Chapter 38: Life Will Kill You
Can you believe people actually read this shitty ass book, like really "My Vampire System" is the top book with MILLIONS of reads and you reading OUR shitty book...THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH THEN!!!! We love all of you Death Heads. We want to thank you for sticking with us throughout this book, y'all are sooo awesome you know! We just wanted to take a time out from the deaths to tell you guys this, thank you. AND WITHOUT FURTHER...ANYTHING, HERE ARE THE DEATHS.
Date: June 29, 2017- Jun 20, 2017
Location: San Francisco, CA
Meet Tasha, she has a wonderful job, house, and a wonderful girlfriend. Tasha is a lesbian, and at the job where she works there is also Mike, whom is a homophobic Christian bitch. Today is the pride parade in San francisco and tasha plans on going, Mike plans to follow in order to "share the word of God" and make the people "Normal". After work Tasha heads to her beautiful apartment by the ocean, she sees her girlfriend and they get ready for the parade, meanwhile Mike sits outside and watches into their apartment with binoculars. The couple exit their house and Mike follows. He heads to the parade and gets out of his car and sees the crowd of rainbow, he starts preaching that this was wrong. Nobody listened to him, after a good 10 minutes he stops and checks out the rest of the parade. He eventually starts to have fun and starts to wave the LGBT flag around and starts saying that they were all awesome, he really was the life of the party. The parade was going strong and Mike was having the time of his life, The parade was over and Mike went home with a different mindset about the non-straight. He goes home and his wife, whom is very homophobic, she asks Mike where he was the whole time. Mike tells her that he went to the LGBT parade, His wife started to grill him on about them and Mike tells her that they are not terrible people. Mike's wife has had enough and insisted that the devil had brain washed him, she starts to throw holy water and bibles at him. She grabs a sharp crucifix and starts running towards Mike, Mike sees this and doges the attack but his wife slipped and stabbed the front of her skull on the sharp crucifix which kills her almost instantly. As his wife lies their Mike sits and prays over dead body, there was a camera watching them so he won't get charged with anything.
Way To Die #628: LG-BBQ-ed
Date: October 21, 1988
Location: Caballito, Buenos Aires
Come one, come all and let me tell you the story of how 4 creatures ended up getting taken off of the census, it all started on a Friday morning...
Cachy (Also listed as "Cachi"), the poodle was the Montoya family's pet. They lived in a 13th-floor apartment in Caballito, Buenos Aires, at the corner of Rivadavia and Morelos streets.
On the morning of October 21, 1988, Cachy was playing on the balcony of the apartment. Somehow he slipped through the railing and fell, twisting in the air for 13 stories. At the same time, seventy-five-year-old Marta Espina was walking around the corner at Rivadavia and Morelos streets. Espina carried her shopping bag and was just passing an Armenian carpet house with a stained glass window. A witness would later say Espina was speaking with another woman and they exchanged spaces on the sidewalk seconds before the incident. Cachy landed on Espina's head, killing both the woman and the dog instantly. A forty-six-year-old woman named Edith Sola witnessed Cachy landing square atop Espina's skull from across Rivadavia street. Without watching traffic, Sola stepped out of a gathering crowd to race across the street. Tires screeched, and vehicles swerved, but a bus driver could not avoid hitting the woman. Edith Sola was killed instantly. An unnamed man had just stepped out of a pharmacy on the same corner to witness the immediate deaths of Espina and Sola. Horrified, the man fell to his knees and then began clutching his chest. By the time the ambulance arrived, he was suffering a full-scale heart attack. The man died before he arrived at the closest hospital. And so my friends a lot can happen at anytime, just watch. your. back...
Way To Die #551: HEADS up you're BUS-ted, you're under CARDIAC ARREST
Date: April 2, 2012
Location: Hutchinson, Kansas
Two dangerous, heavily armed, first-time criminals named Eddie and Tyrone are pulling off their first armored truck heist. They were extremely inexperienced, and when they pounced, they made a few rookie mistakes: 1): the armored car they were robbing was stopped on a busy street and a nearby pedestrian called 911, and 2): they took too long tying up the guards, giving officers plenty of time to respond. A shootout began between police and Eddie and Tyrone. Tyrone opened fire with a semi-automatic assault rifles, while cowardly Eddie decided to hide in the truck, let alone watch all the action. When Eddie stupidly peeks out the back door to watch the action, Tyrone takes a bullet to the chest. The bullet didn't kill Tyrone since he was wearing a Kevlar Bulletproof Vest that was five times stronger than steel, but Eddie wasn't so lucky; when Tyrone took the bullet to the chest, he was sent flying into the door of the truck, breaking Eddie's neck in the process, resulting in his death within a few minutes. When Tyrone took the bullet to the chest, he was incapacitated, at that point, officers then took him into custody, but when they went into the back to pick up Eddie, they find out that he had died. The botched robbery attempt got Tyrone life in prison. His cowardly partner, Eddie, got a stiffer sentence: death.
Way To Die #350: Heavily Harmed
Date: November 13, 2015
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
An angry woman named Nancy goes to a spa run by two Thai women. After enduring her constant complaints, the masseuse and spa owner decide to give her a free bikini wax. One of the waxing strips catches fire and ignites Nancy's pubic hair when it is brought too close. The spa workers put out the fire, but the smoke sets off the sprinkler system and drenches everybody in the room. Nancy then freaked out and panicked and tried to run out the room because she had an extremely rare condition called aquagenic urticaria (a rare, allergic reaction to water) before she can run out. Unable to get out of the room, she then dies of anaphylactic shock. Nancy is an one in a million harpy. She was 1 in 23 million who have extreme reaction to water. When you add it all up, it amounts to one very angry, very melted... witch
Way To Die #915: H2-oh No!
Date: October 18, 2009
Location: Dayton, Florida
Jasper, a teenage vandal and lifelong punk, rides down the street with his girlfriend, leans out the passenger window and hits passing mailboxes with a baseball bat. One night, when Jasper was on a vandalism spree, one mailbox manages to withstand his baseball swing, after some confusion over why it didn't break, Jasper's girlfriend backs up the truck so he can hit it some more. He repeatedly whacks the mailbox with his bat, but the mailbox still didn't break. "No matter how hard he swung, the box wouldn't budge. And then a flying shard from his broken bat landed Jasper on the disabled list... make that the deceased list." Turns out the two vandals already visited this property a month ago, and the homeowner was a retired ironworker named Mr. Rivers. After the first attack, Mr. Rivers used his skills to reinforce his mailbox with a steel casing and stronger body, ensuring that it cannot be broken by a wooden bat. Mr. Rivers has some laughs watching Jasper futilely try to destroy the mailbox, but then, there comes a surprise that none of them expected: the wooden bat breaks, and a big splinter pierces Jasper through the heart, collapsing his lungs. He soon after dies of hypoxia, sending the mailbox-breaking vandal to hell. As his corpse slumps over the car door, his girlfriend is left horrified. Vandalism is a senseless act of destruction. Jasper thought it was funny. But in the end, he wasn't laughing... he was dead!
Way To Die #294: Mail-Doxed
Date: February 9, 2019
Location: Corpus Christi, Texas
Cecilia is selling fake designer clothes to her friend Eva for high prices, but then is thrown out by Eva's strict husband, Roger (who hates Cecilia because his wife keeps spending money on her, and Roger lost most of his money to the current economic downturn). As Cecilia leaves, she falls into the couple's swimming pool, gets tangled in its cover, and drowns, sending her to hell where she belongs. Cecilia was a parasite who sucked money like it was blood. Then one day, she sucked too hard. And wound up... liquidated.
Way To Die #634: Drown And Out
Date: January 2, 2003 (My Birthday)
Location: St. Cloud, Minnesota
Wilbur was an abusive husband and father who bought a snow-blower due to the weather. Wilbur's wife left the basement because she didn't want to listen to him anymore. After that, Wilbur drank a beer, which then started his death clock. In his intoxicated state, along with the snow-blower filling the room with carbon monoxide, and just as he is about to try and oil the spinning blades of the snow-blower, he falls face first into them in which they all slam into his skull and slices his brain off, causing massive bleeding within his skull, killing him within seconds and sending the drunk and selfish husband and father to the hell where he belongs. By the time his wife came in, she was horrified to see his faceless corpse. A drunk Wilbur was preparing with the harsh Minnesota winter... It turned into a face-off. Wilbur lost, and his face... came off.
Way To Die #290: Faced Offed
Date: March 27, 2001
Location: Sleepy Hollow, New York
One night, Patrick and his girlfriend Sarah take a ride on a hay ride. While they enjoy the ride, they hear wolf howls made by the radio of Sarah's ex-boyfriend Morgan. Morgan disguises himself as an ax murderer by wearing a ski mask and carrying the radio and a fake ax to scare Patrick and Sarah. After seeing and hearing Sarah accept Patrick's proposal, Morgan becomes angry and jumps onto the ride and scares them. Luckily, Patrick punches Morgan causing him to fall off of the ride and the vehicle ran over Morgan cutting him in half, killing him instantly, thus sending him to hell. Patrick gets off the ride and takes the ski mask off which reveals the "ax murderer" to be a deceased Morgan himself. Sarah cries on Patrick's shoulder as Patrick hugs her in comfort. Sarah broke Morgan's heart by choosing Patrick to be her man. This drove Morgan into a jealous rage. In the end, he chose a strange way to... spill his guts.
Way To Die #630: Ex'd Ex
Date: August 18, 2011
Location: Denville, New Jersey
Roommates Sandra, Mike, and Jeff have passed time away with contests, from beer-bonging and burping to nitrous-sucking. Sandra, who grew up with her three older brothers, is the most-competitive. However, she always ends up losing to Mike and Jeff lately. One day, a farting contest is announced. Mike and Jeff are out to buy beans and broccoli for the event. Sandra, thinking up a plan to cheat, sticks the tip from an unused whipped cream can, left over from the "whip it" contest, up her colon to blow the compressive gas. However, her plan backfires when the nitrous oxide gas from the can causes quick freezing and immediate necrosis of her intestinal tissue, resulting in swelling and massive hemorrhaging. Holding on to her stomach, Sandra dies on the couch, with her colon spewing blood on her coming-back horrified roommates. Mike is left "COVERED IN ASS BLOOD!" Sandra was a tomboy who tried to go toe-to-toe with the guys. But when it came time to let it rip, she filled it up, and blew out her own... gas-ket.
Way To Die #730: Colon-Gross-Opy
1000 Ways To Die
Season 2 Episode 2
Life WIll Kill You