Lines of Devotion; The past Haunts us (part 2)

/Astra The Ward/

I was terrified about this woman but she still needed parental signatures right. Surely they would do this one thing for me. That was my only thought when I sat in the jail cell waiting. I foolishly had faith in my parent's to speak up and take me home. At some point I know I was a product and this was the time I realized. Product's have expiration dates so I guess I reached mine some time ago. What did I do so wrong, where did I go wrong to be discarded so easily. I saw them and I wanted to scream at them I wanted to hate them I felt it inside of me. That rage when I attacked joy I felt it like a natural primal instinct only worse. I truly hated them and I didn't know how to Express it so I sat in silence swallowing my anger crawling up my throat.

To my surprise I didn't meet that woman yet so i had time to think. But unfortunately I can only think of my anger and hate boiling inside of me. If I sleep will this just be a long nightmare  to the point none of this happened. I just wanted someone to save me like Cait did. How can a stranger who is my age be more of an adult then those who gave birth to me. I awoke the next morning realizing I cried myself to sleep and this was not a nightmare. At some point I was escorted to a room but I felt an uncontrollable amount of coldness and terror as I sat waiting for someone.

Olivia; "Hello again Astra Mercer welcome to my ward."

Oh god no why her of all people what did i do so wrong. My voice caught in my throat I felt paralyzed by fear as I stared at her. She was smiling and behind those eyes i saw horror, someone save me..

Olivia; " Normally I would run through the obvious things and get a reaction. To see how you feel about them to discover why you did what you did....But I know why and I am here to help you give it life. So we are gonna skip to the fun parts of this session."

Someone save me please.

Olivia;" So Astra let's start with how we got here. How did you create such a beautiful monstrosity such as that. How many day's or nights did you leave home to seek the high of adrenalin in The District. Or was it after school you went to get the high."

Oh god no shut up I don't wanna remember.....someone.

Olivia; : it's ok you don't have to speak I can see it all in your face. What was it like to that girl surely you felt your fist touch skin and bone as you punched at her with anger."

No no no stop please shut up.

Olivia; " You can cover your ears but you will still hear me. So did you tune out the noise around you as people screamed. What was it like to have so much rage inside of you Astra, did you enjoy it was it the perfect high for you."

Astra; " Stop please...."

My voice is cracking I feel to many emotions to speak and protest. Why are you doing this to me.

Olivia;" Twll me what was it like to feel so much adrenaline did you even witness the beautiful. Or did you just blurr it out from view. What made you act so beautifully violent Astra tell me how you created such a thing. And why are you chaining it deep inside of you."

Block her out don't listen don't listen Astra just don't.

Olivia;" I hear your brother recieved a punch as well. That must have felt amazing did he deserve it or dis you no longer care who was in your path. Tell me did you enjoy that more.?"

Astra; "Shut Up."

Never has my voice raised so loud before never did I feel so much anger,the rage just climbed through me and bbn I could feel it boiling... oh god Astra please stop stop calm don't let her inside your head.

Olivia;"  We now have progress but alas our time is up for this session....I look forward to our next session Astra."

I left as quickly as my feet would carry me. Back to my room where I curled into myself crying once more hoping and begging for sleep to take me. Why is she doing this I dont wanna remember. Please someone save me help.....

I awoke again and it's not a nightmare that I can wake from and it never happened. I can't do this someone help me. Unfortunately no one ever and I attended those session's every day she repeated and asked questions. It got to the point I became numb to them and was no longer affected. At the closing end of my first month she told me at the last session for the month that next month will produce better results I am sure.

That terrified me because she was serious. Thankfully the first three day's of the new month was peaceful I was able to rebuild and collect myself. But when peace seemed in reach she took it away from me again. The fourth day was our session I just want to go home well anywhere but here.

Olivia; " did you enjoy your recovery from our sessions. I found some new material to use and I'm dying to get progress from you going forward."

Nust stay numb block her voice out don't listen Astra please stay strong.

Olivia; " So what's it like to be the daughter of bussiness parents who work in the marketing side of the world. Or better yet what's it like to be the discarded product of parent's who found a defective product."

Astra; "Shut up you don't know anything."

No no no calm don't react please god help me.

Olivia; " So you agree that you are discarded and defective. Did they ever really love you, is this how you created such a beautiful thing."

Astra; "I am not defective I am not..Shut the hell up."

I can't keep my control god I feel that rage climbing up my throat I can't stop it. Please calm Astra please.

Olivia; " Oh but you are defective a beautifully discarded defective product that join one wants. "

No one want's....yeah no one want's me oh How did I forget about you. Cait I could use your smile right about now. I'm scared and it's really dark here.

Olivia; "Interesting you managed to control your  rage that was at its peak. We are so close to reaching perfection,but alas we arenout of time again."

Once more I quickly retreated to the room to cry myself to sleep. Cait why aren't you here where are you. You would save me I know you would,so why havent you. Another day another session i wasnt ready last time so i just have to adapt and become numb. Don't let her in my head.

Olivia; " So did you ever feel true parental love, my daughter was given true parental love. Did you ever get that or just lust after it."

She's prodding me for a reaction just stay calm.

Olivia; " was your half brother the better product did he receive true parental love."

No don't react astra breath slowly come on keep it together.

Olivia; " parents throwing away a child like they never loved her  must Have been traumatic. Did you go home everyday to an empty house and cold dinner. Was love never available to you."

Small reactions but I think I have control over this. I can block her out o can do this just bare it Astra almost done.

Olivia;"Well you are rather boring lately it seems no progress has been made yet in this month. How unfortunate our time Is up."

After a few more sessions she eventually stopped them for the rest of the month. I had survived another month in this hell, I don't have much strength left I can feel it slipping away. It's been slipping away for so long but that rage keeps coming back every so often. It's so draining to fight back against something inside of me. While mentally defending my self against her. But before I could get lost in my head I had a visitor. They care about me someone remembers me k ows i exist. I rushed off to see who came to save me but I didn't expect this.

Joy;" Astra just listen to me please I just wanna talk please I'm begging you."

Astra;" Joy why are you here...I don't wanna see you."

Joy; " Hate me Astra but please just listen to me I beg you."

I sat down at the table spending what time I did with Olivia has taught me restraint over my anger. So I sat and listened.

Joy;" First I apologize about Cait I did what I did. And I will probably do it again to someone else because I am a product of my mother's raisings. I dated Cait because I was jealous, Astra I was in love with you but she was the one who you noticed more. In fact I think you only ever saw me when we ran track. My one time to finally be seen by you and then she came and it ate me alive to see it. It's not an excuse but I took her because I wanted you but you still didn't look my way."

Astra; " Why did Cait have to be hurt joy,that didn't excuse what you did. You could have told me instead bvb of going after Cait."

Joy;" Yeah but I am a product of my mother and I was afraid of harming you or even worse breaking you like she did my father. "

Astra; " What i don't understand what your talking about."

Joy; " Astra don't let my mother in your head, she wants to cultivate whatever is inside of you. Don't let her get to you no matter what you cannot show her anything."

Astra; " Omg Olivia is your mother Joy,is this some sick twisted payback for what I did"

Joy; " No god no Astra this is who she is trust me...It won't be easy but you have to stay strong don't let her in I beg you."

Astra; " Oh god joy what did she do to you."

She was crying choking out her words, this was her daughter what did she do to her.

Joy; "Funny right my name is joy but inside of me was jealous and envy. God she pulled it out of me and gave it life."

Astra: " Oh Joy I am so sorry....So she found something similar inside of you."

Joy; " Yeah so please don't give in to her. I can't lose you to her delusional ideas Astra please."

Astra; " Joy I am breaking and I can feel my lungs closing. I am not strong enough I'm sorry."

Joy; " No no Astra look at me please you have to survive. Do not let her break you. You have no idea what it's like to be broken by her hands. I can't live if that happens to you Astra please..."

Astra; " I can try but I feel so weak."

Joy; " You are strong I promise find it....And if you need it here."

She handed me a small bag of pills and said they was for relaxing. They would help me stay calm before she left I asked her to stay away from Cait please. Which she agreed to and soon I was left alone again.