CHAPTER NINE

NANDINI'S POV

CHAPTER SONG:- 3:00 AM BY FINDING HOPE

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Everyone has this one point in their life when they think, what's the point in living this life? I don't know when it might have occurred to you but some time, due to some circumstances you must have thought, I should just give up. Sometime in your life you would have thought about suicide. I don't know what reason would have caused it. Maybe bad grades or parents' high expectations or relationship not working or peer pressure and so on.

These are just some of the petty examples that can be thought of by me. There could be a real big reason too. But then you never do it (which is good) because you can see your parents' face in your eyes. Even if you don't have a good relationship with them, you will always think about them before anyone else and it should be like that. So yeah their face comes in front of your eyes and you take a moment to think, is all this really worth it? Or what will happen to my parents when I am not around?

Well, that's about you guys. Even I have thought about ending my life may times after my parents died. People used to blame me for their death and somehow even I felt that I was the reason behind it. Amms tried to tell me otherwise a lot of times but I could never shake the thought out of my head. Initially, I used to cry a lot and just cry until all my tears were over for that day. But then when I grew older and knew things more at that time I started harming myself. I saw in in movies and all that people slit their wrist to feel I don't know what. So once even I thought to try it.

I went to a store and brought blades. Amms was not home at that time, which was good considering that if she would have been home and saw what I was doing, I would have died without the blades.

All have their parents to think about when they think of killing them. But I didn't even have them to think of anyone. In fact, them dying was the reason why I was thinking about dying. I went to the bathroom and took out one of the blades and put it near my wrist. I was about to cut it deep but that's when I saw Amms face in front of my eyes. It stopped me. I thought about my decisions and re-evaluated it. That's when I realized that dying is never an option. I lived for Amms and I am still living for her only.

But that didn't stop me from cutting my wrist because I was just way too frustrated from my life to stop. After cutting it, it hurt for a while but then it was okay. It did brought relief. I was, I don't know maybe 16 when I started all this. Since that day, I have been doing it whenever I feel low or when someone has blamed me for something.

Day before yesterday, I was casually sitting in the balcony. As usual manik was not home. I was scrolling through the phone when one of my maternal uncle called. I was shocked because he never called after everything happened. I ignored it, initially but then he called again so against my will I had to pick up.

"Hi. Is this nandini?"

"Yeah, it's me, uncle. How are you?"

"I am fine bacha. The real question is how are you?"

"I am f-fine."

"Okay good. How's studies going?"

"It's fine I just entered the college."

"Okay."

"If you don't mind me asking, why did you call? Since everything has happened you never called. I wonder, what's the reason now."

"Oh yeah. I knew you must be wondering why I called. You know how I never called you or talked to you after the funeral. It's because I knew you must be going through a lot. I kept everything inside me but I can't now."

"O-okay."

"All of this has happened because of you!!" He shouted but his voice cracked as if he was crying.

I was shocked by the harsh voice and anger in it. Before I could speak anything he continued.

"If you wouldn't have participated in your stupid kathak dance competition they wouldn't have gone. I lost my dear sister because of you. Do you have any idea how it feels? It is only and only because of you. I don't even know why did they agree to come with you. You didn't even dance too well. Anyways just never forget that YOU are the reason they are not here anymore. Don't try to contact me or my family. I don't want any bad influences near me or my family. Bye, disgrace!"

All the uncles are supposed to love their nieces and nephews but then why doesn't my uncle feel the same? He lost his sister but didn't I even loose my mom and dad? How can someone be so emotionless? I am also going through pain and all of them blaming me is only increasing it.

I cried a lot. I knew that I was the reason they died. But why remind me everytime? I came to Mumbai just to have a new start not to listen to all of them once again. It really frustrates me that I can't help but agree to them. So that day I again cut my wrist and Manik saw it today.

"Wait what's this cut on your wrist? How the hell did you get it!?"

This is something I didn't want Manik to know. He already thinks that I am weak and him knowing this will make things worse.

"Nandini, what is this?" He asked once again.

"Umm.. I was walking to my r-room day before yesterday and I was l-looking through the phone s-so I didn't see that the d-door was closed and banged my wrist and head on i-it." I said stuttering and not looking at him. Because I can't lie if I look in the other person's eyes.

"Oh and you don't have any bruise on your head? I know you are lying, dollface. Now care to tell me the real reason."

My eyes widened. I wanted to slap myself because I was so bad at lying. I couldn't even come up with anything to tell him. So I lifted my head to look at him. He was already looking at me with an eyebrow raised. He looked so damn handsome in that look!

He snapped his fingers at me which brought me out of my dream world. I saw that he also had a cut on his forehead, near his left eye. It was about to bleed. So instead of answering his question I said something else.

"Manik, why do you have a cut near your eye? How the hell did you get it?" I questioned him instead of answering him.

His eyes darkened. I knew he was angry.

"That is none of you fucking business." He spit harshly.

"Exactly, just like that me having a cut or a bruise is also none of your f.. freaking business." I also spoke as harshly as he did.

He sighed. "Yeah right. I don't know why did I even ask this question to you. I should have known the answer. You are a very stubborn ass."

"Oh so this is also my fault. Fine if I am a stubborn butt, then why are you sitting here talking to me and cleaning my wounds? Isn't that stupid of you?" I asked, mocking him a little bit.

"I am not labelled stupid if I am cleaning your wounds. Its called generosity and the least you can do is thank me instead of throwing shit at me. Besides, you can't even speak ass or fuck. That's called stupidity." He said.

"I can speak however I want too. I don't want you to tell me that it's stupid or not. And me not using those words doesn't make me stupid. I just don't like to speak all those things. Besides I am not like you." I jabbed my finger in his chest, angrily.

His nostrils flared. I regretted my decision at that instant.

"Good that you're not like me. You should even be. You're way too innocent for that. So yeah Ms. Innocent, not the whole world is like you. People out there are waiting for just a chance to ruin you completely. Whether it's physically, emotionally or mentally. So this act that you always have will not work." I was about to speak but he interrupted me.

"The world is full of cruel, heartless monsters. Just like the man in front of you."

With that he left. He slammed the main door shut to indicate his exit. I was left shocked.

What the heck? What did he mean by that?

--xx--

Hello lovely people,

Here's chapter 19. Hope you had a great time while reading it!

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~Maitri.