Not Okay

About two weeks later, I make my way to YouGe' practice room. Time passes fast, and it's almost Christmas.

Which, for everyone, means the beginning of a calmer time one can spend with loved ones.

Well, for everyone else but idols.

For idols, Christmas means the start of award shows, resulting in the group spending twelve hours a day in the practice room. I might work and live with Hajun, and still, I barely see him.

I can feel he's on edge, which makes me feel on edge as well. For the first time since I've known him, Hajun really does seem stressed, and that is relieving and frightening at the same.

Frightening because it puts emphasis on how much impact these award shows have on idols.

Relieving because up to this point, I genuinely believed that Jungkook wasn't capable of feeling insecure like the rest of us humans. Him being stressed contradicts that belief.

"Top of the morning to you, Rose," Minjun greets me while ruffling my hair as I enter their room.

"Minjun-ah, leave that poor girl alone," Hyunwoo, the oldest (and often also the most childish) member of the group, scolds him from across the room. "Your hands are sweaty, don't touch her beautiful hair."

Hyunwoo's protective words over me make me blush – this guy is just so damn charming without even trying-, but I try to move on from that by saying to Minjun: "You're in a cheerful mood today, oppa."

"And you aren't," Minjun retorts while raising his eyebrows at the iced coffee I'm holding in my hand. "What's with all the caffeine? Or did you bring it for Hajun?"

I shake my head. "No, Hajun oppa doesn't even like coffee. He just pretends to like it so that people think of him as an adult." My words make both of us snicker.

"Hey," Hajun, who's been talking to their trainer until now, glares at me. "Careful there, Rose. I heard that."

"Just ignore that little brat.", Minjun merrily says. "What makes you so tired, though? Did you stay up too late working?"

"No." I shake my head, as I've improved my time management lately. Then I lower my voice, as I don't want my boss to overhear my next sentence. "It's just... I haven't been able to sleep very well lately. Strange dreams waking me up."

Truthfully, I've been having nightmares again. Nightmares about the man who killed himself. That whole situation confuses me because the incident with the suicide was two months ago, and I had almost forgotten about it. Why is it suddenly affecting me again?

"Hmm." Minjun offers me a sympathetic smile, his eyes shining brightly as he does so. "We've all been there. Hang on tight, Rose-ah. I'm sure it's just phase that won't last forever."

"Yes," I say quietly. "I hope so too."

...

The same evening, someone knocks on the door of my room. Well, actually, that someone can only be Hajun. It's only the two of us in this spacious apartment.

I've spent the last hour after dinner reading, hoping that it would calm me down enough to fall asleep easily later on.

"Come in," I say.

Then, Hajun enters, and somehow, I can't help but feel a little flustered by his presence in my room. He never comes to mine, and I usually avoid his. Since we're already together all the time, we need some boundaries. Our rooms are like our little islands of privacy where we can hide from the rest of the world. This has always been like an unspoken pact between us.

So why is he here now?

Did I do something wrong?

No. I recognize the look on his face when I've made a mistake, and this is not the look that's on his face now.

"Hey," he says softly. I notice that he's holding something behind his back, but I can't discern what it is exactly.

"Hey," I mumble. "Did something happen? Do you need my help?"

Incredible how I go into assistant mode directly now. Taking care of Hajun has become instinctive for me.

Instead of answering my question, his eyes wander around my room while he steps closer to the bed I'm sitting on. "You decorated."

"Well, yeah." I scratch my head, not sure how to react to that. "This is my home, so I didn't want it to look like a hotel room."

Then, I can't hold my curiosity any longer, and I point to the object he's still hiding behind his back. "What have you got there?"

He smiles slightly at that before handing the object to me. Confused, I look down at it. It's a plushie. A YouGe-Buddy plushie.

Two years ago, since apparently they weren't successful and omnipotent enough, YouGe decided to design their own cartoon characters. They got their own show, evidently becoming the most popular cartoon show in Korea, and starting selling out as plushies, stationary items, clothes, and so much more.

When I mentioned that YouGe dominates Korea, I really meant it. The government might have hard power, but YouGe has soft power. And in democracies where a war (even with North Korea) seems unlikely and politics are more and more gatekept, that might be more relevant.

"Why... why do you carry Tommy around with you?" I ask slowly.

That's this particular character's name, a cute, brown dog, created by YouGe's leader, Jiyoo.

He sits down next to me on the bed, and I silently curse at him for doing that. How am I supposed to think clearly when he's this close to me?

And once again, why does he smell SO good at any time of the day, and even after practicing for 12 hours straight?

Our eyes meet. "It's for you."

"Oh?" I look from him to the plushie before hugging it. Tommy's so soft! And cute. Frankly, I've always wanted to buy one of the Buddy plushies, but I was scared it might make me look unprofessional since my boss helped to design them. "Thank you, oppa, but why?"

"You told me you didn't wish to go the therapist," he explains calmly. "And I respect that choice. More than anyone, I know what it's like when people make decisions for you without your consent. I don't want you to feel belittled, so I'm trying to help some other way.

But you getting startled at everything, crying for nothing, and now the nightmares... you've got to admit there's something wrong here, Rose."

Of course, he overheard what I told Minjun this morning. This guy really has some super-sensitive hearing.

And the thing is Hajun's right. Yes, I never was the bravest person, but it didn't use to be this bad. I didn't use to get scared and nervous at everything, and I never had nightmares. Something is wrong.

As I just stare silently down at Tommy, struggling to face the truth, Hajun carries on: "In the beginning, I was offended, because I suspected you were acting this way because you didn't feel comfortable here, in my home. But then I understood. It's because of the man, right? The man you saw die."

This time, I force myself to look at him. "Yeah," I whisper hoarsely. "Subconsciously, he has affected me much more than I've ever expected."

We're both silent for a while. Then, I ask hesitantly: "You really won't force me to go to the therapist?"

Right away, my boss shakes his head. "Of course not." He chuckles sarcastically. "I think we can both agree I already control enough aspects of your life. This aspect, however, is yours. It's not my choice to make."

I nod, mindlessly continuing to hug Tommy. "You know, I've always wanted a Buddy plushie, but I was afraid you'd judge me."

"Oh, I definitely would have," he scoffs. "But girls like plushies, right? I thought it would be a cute and simple way to cheer you up."

"It is." I smile. "Why didn't you get me your character, though? Sammy?"

"I wanted to," he explains sheepishly. "But Jiyoo hyung said it would come off as self-absorbed. No idea what he meant."

In my head, I can't help but laugh at him. This man, really. He'll never change.

Innocently, I widen my eyes at him, my voice only mixed with a dash of sarcasm. "I've got no idea either."