Chapter 6

"I can't do it…," I banged my head in my desk in defeat. No matter how many times I watch videos and redo the problem, I still don't understand how to solve it.

I can't focus in class. I'm so tired, worn out, students gossiping about me doesn't help either. The murmurs turn the teachers words and lesson into white noise, and I get lost in the haziness of my mind.

I lifted my head up at a sudden buzzing. I lazily reached for my phone, grasping it to see the screen.

How wonderful, another alarm reminding me to study. I straightened my sitting position, picking up my pencil again. I examined my problem again.

My pencil dragged around the figure of the problem, making little notes here and there for clarification.

"Then count your units to….," the voice of the man in the video instructed. I followed his lead.

Count the units, count the units, plot your points, connect your lines-,

And I failed. Again.

The translation of the figure was off, by a lot. The figure was either in the wrong spot or the figure itself was imperfect.

I threw my head back is frustration. Who did I go to for help back then?

The that same raven haired boy, the one I was so familiar and friendly with, the one I started pushing away as well, came into mind.

'He hasn't even contacted me, he must be busy with his own things.' I told myself. But deep inside, I had a feeling he had stopped caring. I had no right to be sad, I started pushing him away first…

I subconsciously broke the lead of my mechanical pencil.

"Dammit…" I pushing down on the eraser to push out more led. The led grew as it squeaked.

Squeak

Squeak

Squeak

The annoying noise came to a stop when I was satisfied with the led's length. I started to write again, repeating the steps.

I could tell it was incorrect. I erased it with a worn out pink eraser, leaving faded marks of the original markings on the once clean paper.

I did it again,

And again,

And again.

Writing, erasing, writing, erasing, like an endless loop. Why couldn't I grasp a simple concept?

"Ughhh…," I slumped back. I reached out to my phone for temporary relief, maybe find something that would've been helpful. I scrolled through my contacts.

Asaru…Mom…Racheal…

Rachael! She was pretty good at math! I eagerly texted her, now awaiting a response.

1 hour passed.

2 hours passed.

3 hours passed.

And then I received a message back.

Rachael: Don't text me. Don't text Ryan either, he's busy.

Rachael: I'm gonna block you anyways, if you don't wanna burden us, just don't reach out.

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. I read it again. Still the same result. I rubbed my eyes again, this time more violently.

She abandoned me. Am I really a burden? Did I do something wrong? I quickly typed up a response.

Aspen: What do you mean?

A few minutes passed. No reply. Not even a "read".

Tears started forming in the corners of my eyes, the saltiness lightly stinging them.

Who am I even suppose to turn to now? I lowered my head to rest on my desk, my arms cradling my head. I sobbed lightly.

I thought things were suppose to get better when you've reached your lows, it just keeps getting worse and worse. I can't study right, I don't even have anyone to talk to, what is the point of being here?

If there was a god, they were being exceptionally cruel right now.

What's the point of even sticking around right now? For it to get worse?

I sniffled softly as I raised my head from my arms, taking a deep breath of the cold air in my room. My head throbbed as I huffed.

My eyes grew blurry and heavy. My head slipped back into my folder arms. And my conscience slipped away as the room grew colder.