TRAINING PART 16: Leader!

Tyler – Quesiyah will lead the mission.

Me – what? Tyler I’m…

Tyler – You are dismissed. Thank you.

I didn’t understand why he didn’t let me finish my sentence, but like I said previously, no questions asked. The others all came in to hug and congratulate me as if I had won some prize. As the night came, everyone went to sleep.

However, as usual, I couldn’t bring myself to sleep. Instead, I was sitting alone in the cafeteria, thinking. Tyler saw me as he walked by and, god knows why, decided to stop for a visit.

Tyler – What is it?

Me – Leader? Tyler, I’m not ready for this.

Tyler – Is that what you were going to say earlier?

Me – Yes, before you shut me off.

Tyler – Quesiyah, I have seen you fight. You’re better than anyone I have seen in a long time. You can do this, I’m sure of it. I know your reflexes, I know how you fight.

Me - There is a difference between fighting and leading.

Tyler - You did lead your friends safely here. Believe in yourself Ques.

Me – For all our sakes, I hope you’re right.

Tyler, leaving – Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.

I nodded slightly, worried about what would happen. As he went out, Jace saw me inside alone. Maybe he thought he needed to talk to me, I don’t know. He came in, sat by my side, and put his hand on mine.

“You seem worried,” he said. My silence must’ve made him realise just how worried I was, because he didn’t stop there.

Jace – Hey, talk to me.

Me – It’s just, I don’t know if I’m cut out for this.

Jace – What do you mean? You’ve been training so hard for this.

Me – I meant the leadership thing. I don’t know if I can lead everyone to safety. I don’t get why Tyler picked me.

Jace – Maybe he likes you.

I saw his face as he said that. Even though we had talked about it, he was not yet reassured about Tyler and me.

Me – Jace, we talked about this. You’re the man I love.

Jace – I know. I’m just saying independently of how you feel, I think he has feelings for you.

Me – Well it won’t change anything. And plus, being a teacher, I don’t believe he would’ve put me in such a dangerous position out of feelings.

Jace – Look, no matter what his reasons are, one thing is sure, you’re made for this. You are the best one among us, you deserve this.

I looked at him reassured. For a moment, he made me feel confident.

Jace – Common let’s go get some sleep.

He took my hand and led me to the dorms, and I didn’t resist. I went with him calmly knowing I could trust whatever he was saying. The smile on my face I believe communicated the unbreakable faith I had in him, faith I believe I still have.

No matter how far we went from each other, no matter how distant we grew, at the end of the day, he loved me, and I loved him, and that’s what mattered. We went to sleep, although my sleep was being disturbed by strong nightmares. The stress must’ve been getting to me. I was dreaming about death, about losing the fight, failing. The nerves were getting way too strong, and I had to do something to evacuate.

In the middle of the night, I got dressed in my sports suit, put on my shoes, tied up my hair and went to the training room in which I usually train. I put up the punching bag, and started working out, at 3am. I took out everything.

Since my childhood, sports has been my way of evacuating negative emotions, whether it was anger, fear, stress, anxiety, even sadness. I was a girl who suffered a lot from anxiety, so much my physical health started being affected. Sports helped me keep it under control.

And back at the shelter, I used my newly acquired fighting skills to control my emotions once more. At every strike to that punching bag, I thought of my responsibility, of how far I’d come since the war began, of how much we lost, how much Jace had suffered, and little Aayat, her eyes full of tears, her suffocating silence… it made me angry to remember the cruelty we had witnessed.

My eyes filled with tears, and my heart, with anger. I was determined to save those who remained, no matter the sacrifices to be made, no matter the pain to be suffered. I went so deep into my ocean of thoughts that I drowned, and couldn’t notice the time of dawn passing on. It’s only when Tyler came in to fish me up, that I became conscious again, and realised it was time to return to shore, that is, reality.

Tyler – You’re quite early. Having trouble sleeping?

Me – Yeah early. Since 3am actually.

I laughed at my own sarcastic tone.

Tyler – 3am? You spent the night training? Quesiyah, what did we say about getting proper rest?

Me – I know, but my nightmares tortured me too much. I had to get rid of the stress.

Tyler – This whole leadership thing is getting to you isn’t it? I was the same way for my first leadership.

Me – First? I mean, why did you pick me? Wouldn’t one of the instructors be better? You guys have more experience.

Tyler – In my many years of experience Quesiyah, I’ve never seen someone as smart as you, as strong. Your reflexes are amazing, your sense of making plans, fantastic. The choice was pretty clear.

Me – But, Tyler, me…

Tyler – Look the choice is made, and now, you need to be up to it. So listen to what I tell you from now on.

Me – Ok

Tyler – you’ve learnt to fight. You beat me, blindfolded, that’s extreme. But now, it’s more serious. Because now, it’s not me, it’s experienced terrorists who don’t mind killing you to get what they want. So from now on, you need to focus everywhere, all the time. Make sure you’re well prepared. One gun is not enough, you need at least three smalls, and a few big ones on the bus. Your uniform is such that you have space for at least five guns, and three refills each. Make sure you have that much. So minimum is three small guns five refills each, and maximum five small guns three refills each. You may think there is no difference but there is. Changing guns is easier than refilling, and faster. Now, I want you to focus on the civilians, make sure they are safe. Don’t focus on your friends, they can defend themselves, the civilians can’t. You and Jace are in the same bus, so please focus on people not on Jace. He can take care of himself. You only see our goal.

Something sounded not right in Tyler’s voice. He seemed angry speaking of me focusing on Jace. Was it the fact that Jace easily diverted my attention? Or was it something else, and Jace was right? I tried not to focus on the tone of voice. For now, my goal was my ultimate focus, the rest we would see later. That is, if I would be still alive.

Tyler – now, I want you to fight me, not blindfolded, but give me everything you’ve got. When you look at me, I want you to see a terrorist, not a trainer with his trainee.

Me – I don’t know…

And suddenly, he came at me, attacking me like he really wanted to kill me. By reflex I escaped his hit, was about to hit back when he blocked my strike.

Tyler, screaming – FIGHT! Like your life depends on it. Like everyone’s life depends on it, because that’s what’s going to happen in three days. So fight me! Common!

I started seeing how serious he was about the whole fighting thing. He wanted me to fight and win at all costs, and I was going to do it, for the hundreds of people that were depending on me to survive, and to be happy. We trained, we fought all day long. Even when I was too tired to breathe, Tyler wouldn’t let me stop.

He kept telling me that terrorists would be waiting for that one moment when I’m too tired, and weak, to attack me, because I would be vulnerable. So I had to make sure that I would never be vulnerable, never weak, never tired. No matter how much I had to fight, and how long I had to hold, I had to do it, for those people, for my friends, for Jace and Aayat, but most importantly, for myself. I needed this.

The next day would be preparation day, where we would be showed our weapons, try on our uniforms, debriefed about the plan, the route, the timing, the groups and the number of buses. We would be everything we needed to know.

I needed a good night sleep, and this time, no waking up in the middle to workout. I had to sleep and no wondering off. I needed to rest my mind as the next day, I had to focus a lot.

I went in my bed at night, after having dinner and a freezing cold shower. Don’t get me wrong, there was hot water, but I needed a cooling down method, and that was the best I found.

I looked at the ceiling, then around me to notice my friends were already sound asleep. I closed my eyes, saw the many tears that had been shed for this war, and slept with a determination to succeed and lead my team to victory. The next day, I would wake up a leader.