I Sold Lies for a Living

I sold lies for a living; good ones, terrible ones, all sorts, trapped in little glass bottles. How I got into the business, I couldn't tell you. It happened nonetheless.

It started with Ray, a middle aged man. He needed a lie. I sold him one to mask the son he'd had. It really is a shame. I liked Ray.

I do believe I forgot to mention where the lies I sold came from. It's quite simple; they come from the Devil Himself. See, when a lie is bought, the customer is given terms and conditions, along with a privacy policy they must agree to by signing their name. You wouldn't believe how many customers sign the pages without reading them.

When the paper is signed, the lie has been bought and the customer's soul has been sold to the Devil. Sorry, did I not mention that before? It is ever so important to read the terms and conditions of buying a lie, for lies are not bought simply with cash. The cash goes to me, the seller, and the customer's soul goes to the boss.

Now, I know what you're thinking. How could you take someone's soul just for wanting to cover up something so nothing bad happens? Well, you can free your soul from the Devil by sacrificing another in place of yours. The Devil is very hungry, you wouldn't want to deny him what is legally his. Why else do you think people commit murders?

Anyway, back to Ray. Ray sold his soul and never paid it back. He's in a horrible place now.

Another customer I had was named Shelly. She was real nice, but also a pain in the rear. She read the terms and conditions, signed the paper, and promptly used the lie to cover up the murder. Her motives allude me to this day, but nonetheless I got a story out of it.

Had a child, too. Little Ali. Ah, I still remember the scribble she put for her signature. Ali was the sweetest little thing you'd ever meet, but she had accidentally broken her mother's favorite homemade vase. She didn't want to own up, so she somehow found my website at the age of three. She's still out there. I think some of you know her as the Babyface Killer. She must've bought more lies at some point.

Well anyway, I hope you've enjoyed my little epitaph. Oh, right I forgot to mention, my soul belongs to the Devil.