Ramblings of a sad person

It is 7:52 AM as I start writing this thing. I slept trough the entirety of yesterday as sometimes happens. I have not felt satisfaction in my life for as long as I can remember. I had such hope for the future when I was younger, I saw myself taking on the world of gaming. I idolized people like Pewdiepie and Markiplier when I was younger, recently have not watched them much. Old favorites like Yogscast are still there for me. Dead meat and LGR my current favorite channels and Jesse Cox is such a lovely personality and scary game squad I can consume endlessly, it actually brings me such joy. I sometimes wish I could erase my memories and endlessly watch them for all of eternity. I cannot remember a time when I was truly happy, every single day is filled with existential dread that makes me want to throw my body off a building. Maybe I am writing this as a message to anyone who may read it and take something from it, some kind of understanding for even a second.

I had this idea of writing some thoughts down as they are often all I have. My mind keeps twisting and turning and it makes my head ache. I wish there were some pill to take that would make me mindless and able to handle life. I admire everyone around me for being able to live in this world. People are making something out of themselves and I am happy to see my friends going up in the world.

It is as if there is this dark lump within my chest that keeps absorbing every bit of sadness and tragedy I see online. It keeps festering and slowly releasing that sadness back into me like some messed up pill. The other side is pure hatred, for me and for our society and its stupidity. Open racism and no punishment for it, people harassed for shits and giggles, bad people never getting their due punishment. I do not believe in gods or unicorns, there is no punishment after death, there is no reward after death. These shitty people will murder, rape and torture and they will answer in no way for it. Such is life.

I have felt disconnected from this world for a very long time. I find myself fantasizing what it would be like to be anyone but myself. Perhaps that partly explains why I love immersing myself in video games. I can actually feel a little bit of happiness surfacing when finding a game I enjoy. I have always felt like a separate entity, like bug or glitch with the game world I live in. Something is obviously very wrong with me. As of writing this I am playing modded Minecraft which I could never get tired of but I see it as numbers and progression more than actually finding enjoyment from discovering what I can do.

It has been a year or two, I cannot exactly remember. My memory keeps crumbling apart and even writing a coherent sentence is hard. The moment I write something I feel like I am drifting elsewhere. I have to remind myself of what I wrote by reading back. This is the first time I am writing anything other than homework or a CV on word. One or two years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression. It was changed into Bipolar and major depression a few weeks ago when I visited the psychiatrist again. I felt like everything was just getting worse, so I contacted them again. It somehow irks me how she laughed and chatted with the nurse on the side like it was just another silly day at work. I guess I am more a regular customer than patient here after all, so it makes sense. If they got intensely involved with everyone who came by, they would be depressed as well as an end result, better to maintain some distance for self-preservation. She just wanted to focus on my depression not any of the other things, a quick diagnosis and that is it.

I never talked about the paranoia. As a child I was afraid of the dark, I slept completely under the covers as it felt like what could have been in the shadows would not see me like that. Now that fear is gone, I grew out of it. Nowadays I worry about a lot of things. When going out I must say the things I need to carry with me out loud. Before going to bed I check every room of my apartment or I will not be able to sleep peacefully. My imagination goes on overdrive and conjures up the worst. It happens when someone is late for a meeting too, I immediately get a sinking feeling as if they must have been in a deadly car crash. I have forgotten my keys on the outside lock so many times now. It is a surprise I have not gotten robbed. I have always been glad of electric stoves, if we had gas, I would have burned alive a long time ago.

I hate everything about myself, my laziness, my obese body, about the only thing I like is my beard. I was always really into dwarfs in fantasy like Lord of the rings, so it was a small dream to grow one. I wish that I were able to do something about myself but every time I try exercise, I find it hard to maintain enough focus and keep going at it. Work and studies occupy my mind more than taking care of myself. I wish there were an interface that you could view of your body about all its physical needs. I also have a big problem with trying to jump into conversations where I really do not know anything about the subject matter. I let something slip that sounds really arrogant and ignorant and I will feel like shit for weeks and months about it.

My psychiatrist asked about sexual desire but personally I have never felt the need to be with someone. I have curiosity for sex and do not feel too much weight on any genders. I guess I could be with someone of the opposite sex, but I like being alone and I cannot imagine having to share my time with someone every single second of my life. I like socializing online with friends from across the globe but have no desire to find any friends from nearby, I have a couple old friends who I converse with, but most are from online activities like streams and from playing video games.

I have been put on new medication and it will take some time for it to take its effect, I feel even more disconnected from the world now. Sometimes I wonder if life is a simulation like people sometimes guess, philosophical stuff that means nothing really. If life really is a simulation, then they are doing a really shit job up there. Maybe everything is working and they are pulling off some really twisted experiment with me. I often wonder about the existence of a god, could one really be this cruel? I have wished death upon many people for their awful crimes, but I would never wish this upon anyone.

I cannot watch documentaries of serial killers or courtroom things, if I see someone not repenting for their crimes this burning hatred takes over me. I want to climb trough the screen and make them pay and think of what they have done. I avoid any kind of criminal documentaries because of this reason. I feel it surfacing every now and then but will not act upon it. It still boils my insides and makes me feel nauseous, but I must keep it deep within or something might happen. This is about the only bit of willpower I have left.

Every day I dream of death, I want to die so badly but I cannot act upon that want because it would damage the people around me, my friends and family mean a lot to me. Even if I do not care about the world and myself, I really care about them. I guess that rules out being a psychopath or whatever. I do not like making people sad, I do not like disappointing people. I often wish that I would die in an accident so the stigma of suicide and the self-blame would not overtake my family and friends. If I were to kill myself, they would most likely blame themselves for not noticing or not helping. Some family and friends know of my ailment but not the depth of it

My head aches with all these things swirling around in there, it only barely stops for when I need to get some sleep and I must be really tired to get some. Napping is not a thing for me, even if I do nap, I usually just sleep the entire day because it just feels so good to be in rest. I often think that death would be much like that, a warm feeling of laying down as the sun beams into the room from underneath the curtains. It feels like everything is okay. Then I fully wake up and my brain starts to swirl again.

Thinking of death is more of a comfort thing nowadays, I do not see myself being a part of this world so thinking of exiting it brings me comfort, no matter how fucked up things might get there is always one way out. Holding a knife against the top of my head and running into a wall, a kind of funny one. Pills would get messy and I have read too much about that way failing. I am too scared of the pain of cutting and so the wrists are out. Hanging is one possible way, prefer over drowning at least. Isn't that the popular question? Would you rather die by hanging or drowning? I read somewhere about this one way, you take a CPAP mask and a tank of helium, your body cannot distinguish between helium and oxygen so slowly you lose oxygen and die that way, nice and easy you will never realize it is going on.

I would have to make sure my body is discovered in time so that it will not decompose badly and cause damage to the apartment, maybe doing it in the bathroom would help. I worry about running water in case I fall and block the drain. Hanging somewhere in a forest is an option but I would want to get discovered so that there is no unanswered question of where I am. I would have to make sure that no civilians find me and get trauma from it, alerting officials before doing it might end up with me saved before I die. No matter the thoughts there is one clear thing. I do not want to damage someone else, jumping in front of a train or car is not the way. It is an incredibly selfish and shitty way to go out.

Writing this stuff down I really do not feel like anything, sometimes I stop to think just how fucked up these ideas are, but it does not phase me. I know that if someone close to me would read this they would be shocked; you never know what is inside the head of another human so treat each other with respect. One reason I hate humanity so much, watching people drive over each other for different political beliefs, shooting up clubs, memes about it online. People truly do not give a shit, do they? They joke about how the apocalypse would be a good thing. I do this too of course; I have always been a very hypocritical creature. I greatly enjoy the memes of course; they make tragedy much easier to digest but I would hate to view them if the tragedy was something within my family or friend circle. Another sign of ignorance, I guess.

Had a little panini for a meal, it was quite good. It is nice when the occasional meal tastes good, most food I eat tastes like nothing nowadays. I can order pizza and hamburgers and whatever I could dream of and I feel disgusting midway of eating, just eating half a pizza I want to toss the rest away. I used to love cooking but now I struggle to find the energy to even fry an egg. Ironic to be writing this stupid thing isn't it? I always find the energy for the most pointless things instead of taking control of my life. What is stopping me from being someone? The worst enemy we face is ourselves. I started painting miniatures and have gotten genuine joy from people complimenting my work. Now I am just feeling too tired to be doing it and worry that I will never again get that spark of creativity and joy back. Everything that I seem to enjoy just turns sour after some time. I have quit so many things because of this reason alone.

Other than my self-loathing the main thing that occupies my mind is productivity. I cannot stop thinking about how I must find a job and how I must study. I have put my studies for college on a pause for 3 years now, I think. The idea keeps building up stress like a snowball going down hill to a point that it debilitates me. The only reason I ever studied to be an IT-person is because my counselor in Primary school said. "You use computers so you should study here maybe?" 2015 I graduated before starting my conscript service. I have not worked a day in the field I had trained in and feel like I have forgotten everything I learned. I wish there was a way to travel back so I could beat myself up physically, anything, just anything to put some sense into myself instead of following a road I do not care about.

I need to get a job, I must finish my studies, I need to get a job, I must finish my studies, I need to get a job, I must finish my studies, I need to get a job, I must finish my studies. Plays on an endless loop in my head in the weird soup that stirs within. What point is there to living if I do not have a place in the world? I need to contribute to be of any kind of worth. The more I write this thing the more my head starts to ache, I need to play some YouTube videos on the side to dull my mind.

I always wanted to be a big YouTube personality, 12 years of age I thought about how I would be the youngest Finnish youtuber in history, the train has passed, I kept the dream in the back of my head but never committed to it and now it is too late. Youtube treats their creators like garbage anyways. Dreams are pointless if you cannot muster the effort to try and fulfill them

I was circling around the internet for places to be a part of. Mental health chats. First place was okay, it was a dark red colored chatting site. I talked there for a few days, one of the people was an ambulance driver or something like that. There was this one person who kept quoting bible passages, they were a moderator. I remember them calling someone on the site a faggot and I said that you cannot say stuff like that. I got permanently banned. That was the worst, my heart sank, and I cried. I wanted to kill myself right then and there, this is our reality. I just went to bed and the story continues. I found another place, a discord server. It was kind of nice. I roleplayed as a can of beans, brings a smile to my face thinking about the stupid stuff we did there. Then a hacker came and started messing with the server, posted obscene images and changed the channel names. Some people spammed the moderators for help, some cheered the hacker on. I fucking hate people.

I left the server; they did manage to fix the place after some time. I even joined back but there was a spoiled taste in my mouth from that moment. I left again. Eventually I got a job as a telemarketer, what a cursed line of work. It was somewhat good because it was regular pay not just from getting sales, I trained for the job for a week and got the job over someone else. I hated it immediately, bothering people who got regular calls from telemarketers and trying to squeeze some money out of nice elderly folk who just wanted someone to talk to. After the first proper workday and a weekend. I had a panic attack, I had never felt like that, like I had seen an eldritch god that made me lose my senses. I called a hotline and they guided me to a doctor.

From there I started to receive psychiatric help, anxiety medication and a few weeks of talking to a psychiatrist. I talked to her for some time, it did not feel like much really and I was kind of disappointed. I got some medication and felt good for some time. Then it all crashed, and I started feeling twice as bad. Everything game back so much worse. I do not know how long I can last before something in my head pops and I die from an aneurysm or whatever. The feeling of pressure is too much. I tried going back to study but the moment I got put into a test my head started to swirl with endless feeling of failure and I just handed the paper in and walked out of the classroom with tears welling up. What is so wrong with me that I cannot even attempt a simple math test?

I figured being a doctor would be cool, that is the only reason I went to college, try and build towards that line of work, it would pay well, and it is a thing people would be proud of. Now that idea seems so distant, I cannot even imagine it anymore. I like coffee so I am looking to work in a cafeteria, again I feel disconnection, but I must have a job. It angers me to no end that I was born in a country like this, had I born anywhere else I would have died a long time ago. Why was I given this opportunity over so many others? I hate how I keep wasting my position. I have absolutely zero reason to feel like I do and often feel like I am lying and pretending but my head keeps aching.

I used to love my country endlessly for giving me such great opportunity and tools to survice in life. Now it has finally started to lift its ugly head and show the rot beneath. Politicians slowly becoming known for their Nazi ties and blood money. Why does my country demand sterilization for someone who wants to take surgery to become the kind of person who they want to be? Such an advanced thing, we no longer need to be satisfied with our bodies, we can strive to truly become what we always wanted to be via medical means. What is the point of such a stupid law? Why limit someone who just wants to be happy.

I do not see any point to keeping going, humanity is not eternal, someday everything will come to an end, we say fancy things like the fact that we live on in people's memories, when was the last time you thought about your great great great great grandfather? That is right, you have not until I said to. We will all be forgotten, and our work and deeds will mean nothing when the universe dies after us. Even if we manage to struggle to cling onto hope somewhere in the stars, we are only delaying the inevitable. Perhaps living my life in this belief is what keeps me so down. I just cannot lie to myself about something like that. Ignorance is bliss and I wish I had grown somewhere I could forget about the complexity of life, in an age without technology where I can absorb every little tragedy that happens in our world, was I born in the wrong time?

Out of all this the thing that has given me hope is streaming, my family and my friends. I owe my everything to them. I watched a few people online, and they grew into friends and I felt encouraged to try streaming myself. Maybe this is my own place? Every single time someone on the chat says something, no matter what just a single emote. It lights up the darkness. This however is not a proper career path. I need something with stable money, something visible to matter. Streaming is only a dream for me. I find myself to be a very dull person. I would never watch my streams if I were someone else. I feel very envious of the thousands of imaginative and wonderful people who have managed to pave their way into a streaming or entertainment career.

I do not know what the future will be like, maybe there is no hope and I will shut down eventually. I will keep thinking those dark thoughts and slowly crawling my way forward as I cannot stop. I really hope that people are right and that something good might happen. I cannot see that being a thing, just fantasy for little children who do not know how awful the world is. Whoever is reading this I appreciate that you stopped for my ramblings and apologize if they cause upset. Please do not judge others on their looks, believes and wanting to live their truth. If humanity wants to have any kind of future, we must work together. Eventually all must be forgiven, and everyone must be equal for things to work out. Otherwise, I was right, and we are better off dead.

-Marko