We Can Win

NO.

"NO."

No. She can't give up. She CAN'T. "Sage. Hey, look at me."

She doesn't. I take her face in my hands. All I see in her spectacular blue eyes is grif and -

Emptiness.

When did this happen? Why is she like this? Is it the letter? What did it even SAY?

I feel so scared. I guess she also feels scared. I need to help. I need to -

"Sage, I need you to tell me what's wrong. Tell me, and we'll fix it. We can win whatever it is that's bothering you."

She stays quiet, and I'm about to tell her to talk to me again, but then she opens her mouth. "I can't win." Her voice is so small. So quiet. I can see it hurts her to talk and immediately give her the glass of water I prepared for her. "He wins every time. He won four years ago with that fire. You know he did." she says when I give her the water. I don't know what to say, but I know I have to say SOMETHING.

"He didn't win." I say. "You're still here with me. It's not too late." I am not sure what makes me say that, but it seems that I'm getting to her with it, so I go on. "We CAN win. I know you can, and I know I can help you. You just have to tell me the problem, and then we'll fix it."

"It's not that easy." she says, and there are tears in her eyes.

I look her in the eyes, making sure she sees me and that I am here for her. "But it CAN be. Just tell me the problem, and we'll find a way to fix it."

She looks doubtful, like she really thinks that we wouldn't be able to fix it. Or maybe - "You know I WANT to help, right? I want to help you, and nothing can stop me."

Her face reveals what isn't said. She didn't know that. But why? "Why? Why do you want to help me?" she whispers.

"Because you're my friend." I say. I suddenly realize I have no idea why she thinks this way, what made her thinking do twisted she thinks I need to have a reason to like her, to want to be her friend - and more. What really happened to her that she doesn't trust anyone? Doesn't let me get close enough to help and be a part of her life? Did... did I do something? "Why can't you believe me? Did I ever do anything to insinuate that I wouldn't be?" But then I realized. I never did anything to insinuate that I AM one.

She shrugs, and for some reason I can't understand she looks a little more in control. I dare ask, "Do you feel better now?"

She looks at me closely. Then she smiles - a small smile to show one little fraction of sanity. She's alright again. "Yes." She says, then pauses for a second. "I probably scared you. I'm sorry. I sometimes think about those things. I won't... I'm sorry you saw that."

But I can hear what she isn't saying. She's sorry that she showed me that side of her. And she won't do it again, but it doesn't mean that it wouldn't happen again when I'm not around. I sit down on her bed and slide next to her, my back leaning on the headboard. "Sage, I need you to talk to me. How can I know that you need my help when you don't say anything? I am not a mind reader, and you can't suffer without telling anyone. So tell me, what is going on?"

She shrugs again. "It's nothing, really. I just sometimes think about... finishing with this mess, but never to actually do something... permanent."

"Why don't you think I'd want to be your friend?" Why do you push me away when all I want is to understand you?

She hesitates. "Well, I - I never really think that... that someone would want to be around me." She gives me a light smile.

"Why not?"

"No one else does."

"Why would you think I'm like everyone else?" I ask.

"I don't know. There isn't something really different about our relationship than others, so I just assumed - "

"Let me stop you right there." I turn to her and take her face in my hands, looking deep into her eyes. "Whenever you feel doubtful about anything about me, ask. Whenever you feel like I'm doing something wrong - tell me. Whenever you need me - you know I'll be there. So by all means, when you feel like I'm not your friend - just don't. Don't think that. You are my best friend, and the most special person to me in the world, I would do anything for you, and if you think our relationship isn't good enough, tell me. Talk to me, so we can fix and reagust it. Sage - " I suddenly realized. "Do you feel alone?"

Her eyes widened a little. It gives me my answer.

I sigh. "Then why don't you tell me?"

"It's not my place to demand attention from you..."

WHAT? "What are you talking about? You can ask for anything, I will do anything and give you anything you want. You have to just say it."

She averts her gaze. "You don't have to say those things just to make me feel better now. I'm already - "

"I'm not." Why wouldn't she understand? "Sage, I'm serious. I'll do anything for you. Can't you realize that? That you are the world to me?"

She just looks hopeless. "What?" She sounds so confused.

I turn all my body towards her. "Sage, didn't you ever think about all the things I do? All the small gestures? Didn't you try to guess what they mean?"

She looks at me, so astounded that she didn't make it all up, and for a second, her cluelessness makes me smile softly at her. Sage, don't you realize that I like you?"

Her mouth opens, but no sound comes out. Then - "You like me?"

"Yes." I say and don't turn my gaze away from her.

"But - "

"Are you going to asl why?'' She ducks her head, and I smile and answer anyway. "Because you are an incredible person. You are so kind, and generous, and utterly marvelous. You have such a big heart, and it hurts me to see when you hide it and never show it to anyone." I smile a little more when she looks at me behind her lashes. "Does that answer your question?"

"She looks downward, then back at me. Then she does that again. "I think it's fine for now." she says quietly.

I don't miss her use of 'for now', but I also don't say anything - she's already blushing.

"Do you think that..." she trails. "Never mind."

My smile disappears. "No," I tell her. "That is exactly what I don't want you to do. I want you to talk - NEED you to talk, so we can work this out, okay? And whenever you feel the way you just did moments ago, come to me, and I'll do my best to help you, alright?" I don't breathe until she nods. I smile lightly again. "Good, Now, what was your question?"

She clearly hesitates. "Well, do you think that your... feelings..." - She whispers the word, and it's so cute the way she blushes when she does, that I can't help but smile - "...would stay?"

"Saty? What do you mean?"

She looks down again, and I give her another encouragement by brushing my hand on hers. She pulls back her hand as if startles, and I give her a reassuring smile that makes her put her hand back on the bed, but a little unsurely, and with averting her eyes. "Stay." she repeats. "As if not go away."

I don't think I understand. "Why would they go away?"

She looks frustrated now, like she is doing something hard and I don't seem to help her with not understanding. "Because of many reasons... Like, we could one day fight or something, you know, unlike usually - "

She's trying to joke about it, but I know now what she means. She wants to make sure she doesn't open to me and then I'd give up on her. And she also thinks that maybe what I'm feeling is just something that will go away when I don't feel any interest anymore. But that is not going to happen. "I won't give up on you. And I won't change my mind."

I can see she thinks it's beyond my control, but I don't care, I'll find a way to prove to her.