Episode 3: Messy Thoughts

Remembering where we were I pulled back from him and said "Bokuto- someone might see us," I looked around and saw no one in the halls but knew someone could easily come around the corner at any moment. I wasn't ashamed of being gay but I still knew that being out would make my life more a million times more complicated. I looked up into his eyes by his look of shock and I could tell he hadn't planned that happening.

"Y-yeah you're right," he said, seeming to just realize where we were. "Um, so… what just happened."

"Y-you kissed me," I responded, and this time I didn't try to conceal the blush that was spreading over my entire face and ears. I felt the heat rising off my skin, but this time I wasn't embarrassed by it.

"O-oh yeah, look Akaashi I-I'm sorry you're my best friend and I don't want this to mess anything up. I really don't know why I did that." He blushed in return, the redness of his cheeks contrasting his gray hair. Scratching the back of his head he looked down at the ground trying to hide it but failing.

"Bokuto, you didn't ruin anything," I answered, placing my hand against his chin and lifting his head up so that his eyes looked into mine. I took his hand and placed it over my beating heart so that he could feel it racing. "You're my best friend, but you're so much more."

"Akaashi, I-I'm so confused right now, am… am I gay?"

"Well, I mean did you like it? There are other things besides gay and straight too."

"I- I need time to think, I'm just so confused right now," he took my hand off his cheek and turned around, walking faster than usual back to class. I couldn't believe that he had just kissed me, the one thing I had wanted to happen since forever, and now he was ashamed and hiding from me.

It had already been too long of a day so I grabbed my backpack and headed back home. Walking home I thought how happy I had been at the start of the day, ready to see Bokuto and begin volleyball tryouts. Now here I was, walking home after being slammed against the wall and shaken down for lunch money, only to get saved by Bokuto, then abandoned by him when I needed him the most.

I got home and laid down on my bed. Rolling over on my side I pulled out my phone and clicked open social media. Immediately I saw videos of Bokuto punching the guy who attacked me in the nose. I felt a pang of sadness as I thought of Bokuto, and how I wish I could talk to him about the events of the day. My social circle basically consisted of Bokuto, and without him, I just felt lost. I couldn't believe that he actually kissed me. It felt special, not that I had ever kissed anyone before to compare it too. It was all I had been wanting, and now that it had actually happened, I just felt confused. I mean, had Bokuto been gay this whole time? He had had so many girlfriends so maybe he was bisexual or something. He had seemed shocked when I pulled back and looked at him, but the kiss felt purposeful. I mean, he did seem like he wasn't preparing for it to happen, it just did, so maybe he felt just as shocked as me.

Deciding that dwelling on Bokuto's dating life wouldn't be the most productive activity, I walked over to the bathroom mirror to check the extensiveness of the bruises I had received. I lifted my shirt to reveal several large purple marks all over my skin where he had shoved me, including a massive black eye. There was also a growing lump on the back of my head from where I had been slammed into the locker. Grabbing an ice pack from the kitchen, I sat back down on my bed. I wasn't sure what to do. I had never not gone to school besides when I got sick. I pulled out the homework I got assigned earlier in the day and started to work on it. It was pretty easy so I finished it in less than half an hour, and once again pondered about what I should do. I picked up my phone and texted Bokuto. I didn't expect a response because he was still in school but he texted back almost immediately.

hey Bokuto

hey

im sorry if I weirded you out by kissing you

um… I kissed you first remember

yeah but still the second one seemed like it freaked you out

i mean it did freak me out but it wasn't that I DIDNT like it, its that i did

now its pretty obvious but um… bokuto im gay

Really? im glad you could tell me that but right now im confused. I know thats not what you wanted to hear so im sorry

No no thats ok you dont have to apologize for anything, but we can still hang out and stuff right? I mean i couldn't make it this year without you

Yeah definitely, lets stay friends

We chatted for the rest of the day about school and homework and Bokuto's dog and if I was feeling better. I mean I wasn't, but I lied to him to make him feel better anyway. He asked if I wanted to come over later since volleyball had been canceled because the coach was sick, and decided since the ice pack had already made the swelling decrease rapidly, I said yes. I checked the time and saw that Bokuto only had a few minutes left in school, so I tied my shoes and threw on a sweatshirt, and walked over to his house so I could be waiting for him outside when he got home. I checked my reflection with my phone and saw that the black eye had turned an even uglier shade of purple than before. Hearing voices behind me I ducked my head. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw two students from Fukurodani walk past me. A second later I heard another, more familiar voice.

"Hey, Akaashi" Bokuto called out to me, tentatively, like he was afraid of scaring me away.

"Hey, Bokuto" I responded, looking down at my feet so he wouldn't notice the black eye.

"So… you must really like that sweatshirt," he laughed as I continued to stare at the ground. It was just then that I realized that the sweatshirt I had put on was Bokuto's.

"Oh sorry, I didn't even realize I guess," I pulled the sweatshirt over my head, inadvertently lifting my shirt in the process.

"Woah, did he do that to you?" Bokuto said, leaning in to inspect the bruises.

'Oh… I guess," I mumbled, pulling the shirt down quickly to hide the bruises on my chest.

I started handing him the sweatshirt until he took a step back and said "You know what, just keep it, I have a million like them."

"Oh thanks," I finally looked up at him and saw his eyes widen when he took in my face. "Thanks..."

"I-I'm sorry it's just- are you ok?" the look immediately vanished from his face, replaced by one filled with concern.

"Y-yeah I'm fine, it's whatever," I replied, once again looking back down at the ground, this time so I didn't have to see the look in Bokuto's eyes.

"Ok… well let's go inside," he said and I could tell by his voice he didn't believe me at all.

We headed inside and I was once again shocked by the inside of his home. It looked the exact same as last time, filled with expensive-looking furniture and paintings by artists whose name I didn't know.

We once again walked down into the basement as an awkward silence fell into place. We sat on the couch, apart from each other, both of us staring at our shoes.

"So, how was the rest of your day?" I asked shyly.

"Pretty boring, I mean I got sent to the admin office for fighting but it's fine."

"What?" I half-shouted, turning to him, "but you were just helping me, that's not fair!"

"I mean like I said it's fine my parents won't care"

"That doesn't matter, that's total bullshit."

"I guess…"

It blew my mind that it was just last night when I had fallen asleep in his arms. So much had happened since then and I was still processing it. It followed me around everywhere in my thoughts. Here we were again, in the same room on the same couch that we were on just the night before, but this time nothing felt the same. Not knowing what to say, the awkwardness between us continued until finally, Bokuto spoke up once again.

"So um… how's your face feeling," he asked shyly, a tone I rarely had heard him talk in.

"I mean it's pretty sore obviously, but I guess it'll start feeling better soon."

"Do you, um, want an ice pack? We have some upstairs."

"Oh… yeah that'd be great, thanks."

Bokuto stood up from the couch and headed upstairs, leaving me by myself in his basement. All at once, the realization of what had happened today hit me, heavy cries racking my body as I gasped for air. It was like the adrenaline had finally worn off and I was experiencing the shock of it all over again. I buried my head into my hands, curling up into a little ball on the couch like a kid, my body shaking from my sobs. I stayed there like that until I heard Bokuto's loud footsteps coming down the stairs. Instantly I unfurled and sat up straight like I had been and wiped my face off. I hoped that the puffiness of my eyes wouldn't give me away, but as I turned to look at Bokuto I saw his eyes widen in concern.

"Akaashi what happened?" he said, sitting down next to me, his body turned so that it was facing mine. I looked again into his eyes, startled to see a look of worry coming from them.

"N-nothing, I'm fine," I looked at Bokuto, disbelief apparent in his face. Sighing, I continued, "it's just… I fucking can't anymore, like, why me? Why am I always the victim that you have to swoop in and save? I mean, every. Single. Time." I looked down again, not expecting Bokuto to understand. People respected him, they knew he was, nobody would do to Bokuto what they did to me today.

Startling me awake from my thoughts, I heard Bokuto begin to speak. "I- I'm sorry, I never meant to make you feel like I thought you couldn't handle stuff on your own. I just… hate to see you getting hurt y'know? I just want you to be safe from the assholes at Fukurodani but I can give you some more space if that's what you need."

I pulled my legs up onto the couch, thinking about what he had just said. I looked over at him, thinking. He ran his fingers through his hair. The dye had faded a little, which meant that soon enough he would enlist me to help him re-dye his hair.

"N-no, I don't think more space will do any of us any good. I think we just have to figure this out as we go."

"Yeah, I think so too."

We fell back into silence, both of us lost in our thoughts. This time it wasn't awkward, instead, we both comforted each other by simply our presence. We stayed like that, me pressing the ice pack against my head and Bokuto leaning back, feet kicked up on the table in front of us.

We stayed like that until Bokuto spoke up. "Well, we should do something, like watch a movie. But this time you could, y'know, stay awake."

Chuckling I agreed with him. "Deal, but only if I get to pick this time." Standing up, I walked over to the tv. I bent over, my back to Bokuto, rifling through the cabinets to find a DVD I recognized. I ended up choosing a comedy I had seen a million times before, but still, I thought it was hilarious. I turned around and headed over to the couch, strategically taking a seat next to Bokuto that was close enough to feel the heat coming off his body, but not close enough that he would think anything of it. The movie started, and I could hear Bokuto laughing at all the jokes. I wondered if he laughed because he thought they were funny or just to humor me. My eyes were fixed on the screen but my thoughts were focused on him. I could hear his laughter, smell the green apples scent that I had associated with him, feel how his body moved the couch every time he adjusted his stance. Slowly I felt my eyes begin to droop yet again. I felt my body begin to fall but didn't have enough energy to stop. My eyes shut and I was pulled into a dreamless sleep.

Almost as soon as it started, it ended. I felt Bokuto's hands shaking me awake again. I felt something hard pressing into my cheek. Forgetting where I was momentarily, I put my hand down to see what was poking my face. I felt something large and round, a little smaller around than a soda can and about twice as long. I heard a grunt come from Bokuto and immediately realized where I was. I withdrew my hand immediately, sitting up as fast as I could. I pressed my hand against my cheek, feeling the indent that Bokuto's manhood had left on me. I stood up and walked away, acutely aware of something pressing against the inside of my pants. I pulled my shirt down covering it and turned to face Bokuto.

"I am s-so so so sorry, I totally forgot where I was," I stammered out as fast as I could in an effort to get my words in before Bokuto inevitably yelled at me. I couldn't believe this was happening, especially right after we kissed. At the same time, Bokuto's size had shocked me, he was massive. Blushing, I looked down at the ground. Bokuto didn't say anything so I glanced up at him and saw him staring down at the bulge in his lap, seemingly in shock. Finally, he looked at me, mouth still agape.

"I-it's ok," he finally managed to say, still wearing a look of shock.

"I should go," I responded, picking up my backpack from where I had dropped it, next to where he was sitting. I turned and felt his hand grabbing mine, pulling me back. I turned around and looked into his eyes. This time, I couldn't tell what he was thinking. He pulled me closer again, this time so close that our feet were next to each other, me staring down at him on the couch. He let go of my hands and trailed my fingers down my sides, releasing a shudder of pleasure from me. He stopped on my waist, pulling me onto his lap gently, gentle enough that I could break away if I wanted to. But I didn't. I sat down on the couch, straddling him so that my back faced towards the movie that was still playing, but all sounds besides our breath were drowned out. I leaned in, pressing my lips against his, once again igniting fire throughout my nerves. Everything burned but I wanted more, needed more. I pressed against his mouth harder. I was shocked when I realized he was pressing back. He was kissing me too. I was running out of breath but I couldn't break away. At my limit I pulled back gasping for air, whimpering as Bokuto caught my bottom lip in his teeth and tugged on it. I went back in, this time put my hands under his shirt, feeling his muscular skin. Soft moans of pleasure escaped my mouth as we continued this way, my hands inching ever higher. Bokuto let out a deep moan, unlike any of the noises I had been making. I began to feel aware of Bokuto's member beginning to rise again, pressing in between where I sat on his lap. I continued to kiss him, enjoying everything as much as I could. I felt him put his tongue inside my mouth and I did the same, wanting to be all over him as much as possible. I put my hands in his hair, leaning in to kiss him even more.

At the very edge of my brain, I processed footsteps coming down the stairs. Hurriedly, I rolled over onto the couch, trying to catch my breath, hearing Bokuto do the same. I couldn't believe that had just happened. Did we actually do that?

"Hey Akaashi, long time no see" I heard a woman's cheerful voice, my brain still processing the events that had just transpired barely recognizing it as Bokuto's mom.

"O-oh hey Mrs. Bokuto," it felt weird saying that, even though it was his last name I had always just called him Bokuto.

We made small chat about life and school and my parents for a few minutes, the whole time wondering if she realized what had just happened. Just as I had thought it, realization dawned on her face that she was interrupting an intimate moment.

"Well, I'll leave you two to go back to whatever you were doing," she said, heading back up the stairs.

Turning back to Bokuto, I could tell he was still thinking about what we had just done. Putting my hand on his shoulder, I looked at him.

"Are you ok Bokuto," I asked him out.

Slowly he turned his head towards me. "Am I ok? Akaashi…. I-I'm…," he paused, then broke out into hysterical laughter. "I think I'm great Akaashi. I mean, for the first time in forever, I'm actually great."