Chapter Twenty Seven - Downtime

The ruins of the church seemed ready to envelop me, a great, titanic thing, like the ribcage of a dead whale. Makarov stood at my side, his arms crossed as he stared out at the scene before him. "We need you to fix up the Church. And a number of other sites," he said.

"For one such as I, this is as simple as knowing which direction the rain comes from," was my succinct reply, my hands reaching out towards the church, beginning to force it to rewind in time. The pieces began to shift on the ground, each flying upward into place as time ran backwards to reform the church entirely; in a few minutes' time, it was utterly spotless, as if it had just been cleaned.

Makarov let out an impressed sigh as he saw the work finish itself up. "That time magic of yours is incredibly valuable, Lee. Please, continue to keep an eye on Erza, Natsu, and Gray, for the Guild's sake. They have a tendency to destroy things, and our reputation doesn't need that kind of thing."

"Of course!" I said, with a bow. "Serving the guild is my joy in life."

Makarov let out a long sigh, then a small grin. "Let's move on to the next building." The next building, as it turned out, was a bathhouse - somehow, it had been utterly ruined in the fighting. As I stretched out my arms, ready to get to work, he shifted up next to me, his voice a quiet whisper. "Can you put a hole in the wall, as thin around as a finger?" He even raised his pinky in demonstration.

"I am afraid that is impossible," I said, with a shake of my head. "I simply move the object forward or backwards in time. If you wish for there to be a hole in the wall, you will have to make it yourself."

Makarov began to mumble to himself as I started to fix the bathhouse, the process taking only a couple of minutes as its pieces resumed their previous arrangement. His fingers idly traced the air as he watched the bathhouse form, as if trying to work out lines of sight. I would not interrupt his hard work - I just had no intention in partaking. I certainly enjoyed stealing beautiful women's undergarments, but I had no need to see them naked without their permission. They were two entirely different matters. "The angle's no good," he declared, with a harrumph and a shake of his head.

"What is the next place that I am to put my great and terrible powers to good use in repairing?" I asked, rolling my arms round to stretch and crane my neck.

* * *

The next place, it turned out, was Evergreen's home - it was located in Magnolia, of course, just like Lucy's or Erza's. It had been destroyed in the fighting, and all that lay in its place was ruins. When she saw myself and Master Makarov approach, she raised her chin sharply, almost sneering down at the two of us, adjusting her glasses in a way that may have merely been nervous tic or have been an implicit threat. "How did your damned guild possibly see its way to destroying my home?!" She demanded. "This sort of thing is exactly what Laxus was complaining about! I never set foot in my home from the moment we declared war, nor did any of the other members of the Thunder God Tribe, so why was it destroyed?"

Makarov was neither cowed nor unapologetic, managing to adopt a middle ground of explaining himself while also accepting the action itself was bad. "Natsu believed that Laxus may have been hiding in your home."

That only served to make her even more enraged, her entire body seeming to puff up slightly, her face flushing with color in sheer fury, visible veins protruding on her forehead. "Why?!"

"I can bring him here to explain himself, but given the circumstances, there won't be any punishment," Makarov said.

"Well, see that you do bring him here, then!" Evergreen demanded, quite irate. Makarov simply nodded and departed, headed back to the guild hall. Magnolia herself was perhaps twenty minutes walk from one end to the other, at least of the town's main part, and naturally, Evergreen's home was close to the guild hall, so it was no great matter. She crossed her arms, shooting me a look. "It's because you were distracting me that my home was destroyed, you know."

To make a rational counterargument - perhaps, say, that she had already been thoroughly defeated and any distraction I may have given her was only to her benefit over sitting there with a blindfold and bound wrists - I knew was not what she wanted. She was merely annoyed at what had happened, and wished to express that verbally. To engage was folly. I approached her, making her cheeks begin to glow a faint pinkish tone as I soon pushed her back against a wall. I did not touch her - she merely retreated, as my hand came to rest directly next to her head in a technique known to the Japanese as "kabedon." Her lips faintly trembled as I stared her down, and she intentionally wet them, fully expecting a ferocious kiss.

"I couldn't help myself," I told her, letting a growl of desire enter my voice. My free hand went to her hip, idly squeezing down on it, and she just trembled in response, a soft breath escaping her mouth. "I'm sorry that in my lust, I allowed your home to be destroyed."

"W-well, you should be," she managed to get out. Ordinarily, when one offers an apology to a woman like her, it is rather more grovelling - in this case, it had the fierceness of desire behind it. Rather than apologizing for allowing her home to be destroyed, I was apologizing for finding her so very attractive, which was naturally a far greater compliment and far more the sort of thing she wished to hear.

"Is there any way," I asked, as I drew closer to her, until we were nose to nose, our glasses clacking against each other lightly, "that I can make it up to you?"

She swallowed audibly, glancing down at my lips, then further dipping towards my bare chest, before her gaze went back to the ruins of her home. "You can fix my home," she declared, raising her chin sharply into the air. I allowed her the voracious smile of the wolf seeking to consume a sheep, and turned around to fix her home.

The building was almost completely intact when Natsu arrived, following after Makarov, his arms crossed. "See? Her home's fine now!"

"You! You destroyed my home! No one was even in it! What possibly reason could you have to do that?!" Her voice was rising with each progressive word, her earlier lust replaced entirely with rage.

"Hey, I was looking for Laxus! You're part of his team, maybe he was hiding in your house!"

"You could have just looked inside!" There weren't many thieves in Magnolia, so there wasn't much in the way of home security, thus Natsu's canonical ability to constantly steal into Lucy's home.

"I did!"

"And did you find him?!" Evergreen's voice was almost a screech by this point.

"No! But he could've been hiding really well, so I decided to destroy the house just in case!" I must admit, I had not expected that to be his answer. Natsu truly could think circles around me. "I figured Lee could fix it anyway, and he did!" He was completely unapologetic. "Maybe he shouldn't have been hiding, huh? Did you think of that? Blame him, not me!"

"You're the one who destroyed my house!"

"Yeah, but it got fixed. So what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is it's my house!"

As the argument wore on, I idly toyed with Evergreen's bra in my hands, inspecting its tags, which declared it to be a 60H: larger than Lucy's, but only just. Makarov noticed the bra in my hand, his eyes going wide, and he made a surreptitious signal to let him have it as the pair continued to yell. I simply tossed it his way - aided with a flick of time magic to hide its passage - and he began to inspect it with obvious glee, a grin large enough to make me feel that I had done a good thing, in sharing this momentary, transient joy with him as he put the bra on his head, as he cradled it in both hands, as he inspected it closely to see the tag.

"What the- what are you doing with my bra, you old pervert!" Evergreen snapped, ripping off her glasses as she met the guild master's gaze. Once he was suitably turned to stone, she grabbed her bra and started to yank on it - but it was now held by a stone statue. She raised one head to put on his head as she tried furiously to yank the bra free, yet it still didn't seem to work. I decided to help her, using time magic to revert Master Makarov back to his normal self. He instantly sprouted an enormous nosebleed, due to his direct view of Evergreen's panties - at least, for the half-second before he went careening to the ground and she yanked her bra away, angrily muttering to herself as she headed inside her home.

"Alright!" Natsu declared. "Now that that's done, back to the guild to get some quests. You want to join me, Lee?"

I glanced at Makarov, who simply lay there, overawed by the chance to see up Evergreen's skirt even now. Then back at the home, where Evergreen was no doubt quietly fuming. Given she hadn't given me a second glance as she stormed inside, I imagined that she didn't much want my company at the moment. Further, I was inarguably responsible for what had made her so angry in the first place, so it was best to give her space.

"That sounds like a pleasant time." I would fix up the rest of the buildings later, after Makarov had recovered.

* * *

In my arms was a beautiful guitar, one looking as though it had been carved out of pure marble, though in truth it was mere painted wood. I had paid for lessons, my supernatural talent meaning that I managed in only a few hard days of serious work what other people might have taken months or years to learn. Even my singing voice had been something I had honed, turning into a thing as rapturously beautiful as the dawn itself.

I took a long, deep breath, and began to play. It was a solo production of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, selected solely for the simple fact that it shared a name with a certain beauty that attended the guild and might appreciate the psychadelic imagery of the song. I believe I managed it quite well, given that I only had a single instrument to my name, and had only started picking up the instrument very recently.

There were two targets of the song: Lucy and Gajeel, both of whom were present. Lucy watched with an increasing blush as the song went on, but the shy smile she wore as I sang made it clear she wasn't outraged by my choice of topic, or the particular loose associations that were involved in the song itself. Gajeel's expression was more that of a man experiencing intense jealousy that he was unable to admit to, as I was a natural talent with the guitar, and he played absolutely atrociously.

When my song was complete, the whole guild erupted in applause, the chorus almost deafening. Naturally, I basked in the praise, bowing and enjoying as people said how amazing my playing was. Once they had settled down - it took a painfully short amount of time, but no doubt they were hoping for an encore - I took my guitar and approached Lucy first, settling in next to her with a warm smile, suppressing the urge to steal her bra no matter how strong it got.

There was no hint in her expression of any of the annoyance with my general antics that so often accompanied my approach. Erza had learned to react with stern indifference or bashful lust when I removed her undergarments, depending on the exact circumstances. Lucy still tended to respond by summoning her myriad celetsial spirits to teach me the price of stealing her bras. (She had sadly stopped summoning Virgo for that purpose - the beautiful pink-haired maid had much more cute responses to having her bra stolen than Lucy herself did.) Her feelings were ambivalent, caught between disapproval for my actions and a natural physical attraction that meant that, under certain circumstances, stealing her undergarments would not be considered rude.

"Did you enjoy the song?" I asked her. "I wrote it with you in my mind and my heart."

"I kind of guessed," Lucy said, trying to play it cool, but it was clear that her natural girlishness meant she was incredibly happy to have a hunky man write a song just for her. She had a pink glow to her cheeks as she looked up at me, a nervous swallow in her throat. "How long did it take you?"

"Oh, it was easy for me to write as to remember," I told her, with a bright smile. "Your entrancing beauty has a certain... effect on me, as if I do not even know where I am in the world."

Lucy blushed even brighter but smiled. "Is that why you forget that it's not an appropriate time to steal my underwear?"

"No," I told her, with a firm shake of my head. "Since there is never a time it isn't appropriate to steal the underwear of such an outrageously beautiful woman, if you can." My hand gently cupped her chin, fingers tracing out the shape of her jaw. She had that tiniest tremble, of a woman who was certainly enjoying one's touch. Perhaps she was further along than I thought? "Would you care to come over to my home?" By the way she blinked, she wasn't quite that far along, no, so I easily course-corrected. "I would like to work on writing more songs, and you're an author yourself - perhaps it will help us both, to share our talents?"

"A-ah! Oh, of course," she said, nodding along, clearly more embarrassed with herself for "falsely presuming" I was propositioning her. "That sounds like fun, Lee!"

"I'll look forward to it," I told her, giving her a smile and a chaste peck on the cheek that nevertheless made her blush - though, I will note, not squeal and attack me.

As I rose to my feet, I quietly used my time magic to put my panties back where they belonged.

* * *

"I have done you a grave disservice," I told Gajeel, as I sat down across from him.

"Oh? What's that?" He spoke it with what felt like casual disinterest, his eyes carrying just a hint of lingering annoyance at me for showing him up. He took a bite out of the apple he'd been eating, crunching noisily as if to emphasize that he had no interest in talking to me.

I had stolen from him Levy, who would have become his better half and made him into a better person. Of course, I could hardly say that aloud. "When you were injured in the Battle of Fairy Tail, I was distracted with other matters, and took far longer than was strictly necessary to come to your aid."

"What? Come on. I was unconscious anyway. I don't care if you finished off your meal or whatever before fixing me up."

"Nevertheless. I would like to suggest that the two of us practice our guitar together. I think it may help both of us develop our abilities as musicians." Compared to me, he was a neophyte, but teaching helped oneself to learn, and telling him he was a poor musical player was unnecessary. Either he knew, and it would shame him, or he didn't, and it would enrage him. "What do you say?" I asked, offering a hand.

He looked at it for a long second, perhaps warring internally with himself on accepting a helping hand - then he took it, giving me a grin. "Sure. Let's practice plenty, partner."

* * *

Gajeel's fingers splayed across the wire in frantic motions, producing wild and discordant twangs, each rolling over the other in a grand competition to be the loudest of them. He kind of liked the sound, but gauging by the wince that Lee wore - and Lee had hardly been the only one to criticize his musical stylings - it was not popular with his music partner. The man nevertheless patiently waited his turn, then set to playing himself, a gentle and soft song so sweet it was like a girl's breath tickling his neck.

He couldn't help but inwardly growl at himself. Lee was kicking his ass at music. How the hell was he so good, compared to where Gajeel was? And there was no doubt he was good. Cripes.

"Hey," Gajeel said, as Lee finished up his song. "Teach me how to play that." He couldn't bring himself to say 'teach me how to play,' even though that felt like what he was actually asking.

"That is the purpose of our cooperation, after all," Lee said, with a smile that may have made Gajeel want to punch him. Or maybe that was just being outdone. He didn't punch him, though. He wasn't some violent idiot. "We'll start with just the first few notes, and go from there." Gajeel quietly nodded, watching Lee's fingers closely as he made each individual note.

* * *

"Thanks, man," Gajeel said to me, as we finished off our first session. While my capacity to teach more mundane skills was not nearly so supernaturally perfect, compared to my ability to impart my own powers on others or to pick them up, I could bridge the gaps with my own keen intellect. "Think I might be starting to get the hang of it."

"Remember to keep practicing," I told him. "I have my own practicing I need to do, now," I added, cracking my neck to one side. "Particularly given the chaos of the recent battle, I was forced to take note I'm rather lacking in offensive ability."

Gajeel let out a laugh at that. "I can give you a bit of tutoring in that, if you need it so bad." He cracked his knuckles as if he was ready for us to brawl right then and there.

"I'll keep it in mind, but for the moment, I have a proper teacher. I will see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. See you later."

I went to pick up my teacher, who was also my live-in masturbation maid: Ikaruga. I had chosen not to waste Erza's time teaching me, and not merely because I was quite certain her disciplinarian streak would have left a mark on my hide if I chose to do so.

"We will begin with the rudimentaries, Master," Ikaruga said, still wearing her maid uniform. She had not mentioned changing, and I had not suggested it. "To move at the utmost speed requires the careful application of mana. Every part of the body must sing with a single voice, united in purpose with the voice of the blade. Draw your sword, and focus your entire will upon it." I followed her command as best I could. "Try to strike me. Stab forward as quick as you can. Let your sword carry your mana and body forward." There was a brief pause. "Now!"

I struck forward with a leap, surprising even me with my raw speed. Ikaruga still effortlessly parried my blow, sending me careening to one side, but a quick application of my time magic, and I was back on my feet and whole. "Excellent, Master," she said, sounding genuine. "You have achieved the most basic level of sword magic. Now, try again, but actually hit me, this time." I thought I saw the faintest hint of smugness in her gaze, but I magnanimously decided not to comment, instead leaping forward once more.

* * *

By the end of the day, I had managed to make only a single cut on Ikaruga, and that, largely by her distraction. Even with my enhanced learning speed, she was lightyears ahead of me in battle - and Erza still further beyond her. I had made great progress, though. I could now mix sword magic enhanced thrusts into my normal fighting style, allowing me to close to melee distance in a heartbeat from virtually any distance - my endless mana reserves ensured as much. So long as there was nothing between me and my target, I could simply pump more mana into it, to get closer faster. There was an upper limit to the point at which I could actually hit, of course, but I was making extremely swift progress.

So extreme, in fact, that Ikaruga was getting hot and bothered by it. "Master. Your talents as a swordsman are far beyond any I have ever seen. You have achieved a level of sword magic that took me two months to reach, in merely a few hours. I have little doubt that you will soon surpass me. This lowly worm was truly foolish to ever believe that she could challenge one so mighty as you. Thank you for taking her on as your-" a faint flush, an audible swallow, "-masturbation maid."

When she got effusive like that, it was her way of signalling that she wanted sex. I took her home and obliged her, of course. I wasn't some cruel bastard.

* * *

I quietly read through Lucy's draft. To avoid being too harsh, or to peer in her ever-growing Magnum Opus, I had asked her to bring me some fresh short story to critique. As such, I wasn't too concerned about the broad strokes of the story - a simple mystery - but instead questions like its pacing, the way the sentences flowed, whether foreshadowing was sufficient to feel earned and not blatant. I provided her a from-memory rewriting of They're Made of Meat, adjusted for the fantasy milieu. She certainly seemed genuinely fascinated by it, so I was glad that at least certain ideas transferred over.

"So the... aliens, think that humans are gross, because we're made of meat... huh..." she said, seeming to stare at the text again, twisting it around in her head. "So, basically, the idea is there's these guys from other stars, but they ignore us because we're weird?" Fiore, much like my own world, had people smart enough to realize that the stars are very distant suns, and make consequent assumptions about them.

"Yeah."

"That's crazy. How'd you come up with it?"

"I just adapted it," I demured. "Your work is fairly good. Your sentences are good, variety in length and subject that keeps up flow, except when you mean to do the opposite. I felt the core twist was too obvious, though."

"What? That the thief is actually the victim?"

"Yes. There were no real alternative suspects, and it would have been unsatisfactory if you had simply introduced a third party."

"Oh... I didn't even think about that. Blah. I don't normally write crime stuff."

"It was still an enjoyable read - just add a few more red herrings next time."

"Ah... your thing was really good. I'm gonna be thinking about this all night." She shifted her weight. "Aliens, huh..." She looked into the middle distance as if she was trying to solve a very difficult problem, then just let out a groan. "Man! How am I supposed to outdo something as good as that?"

"Your goal as a writer, as in all things, is not to be the best - merely to be the best you can be," I said. I think Erza had probably said something like that at some point, possibly to Juvia during sex? "In any case, I can hardly just write another They're Made of Meat and expect it to be published, while people can make a great deal of money writing slightly different crime stories."

"Ha, that is true. Wow. You know, you're actually a really smart guy... and you have my bra." She looked at my hand accusingly, wherein I held her bra, which was a quite appealing pink and frilly shape - more risque than chaste and childish, though not overtly so like lingerie. She stared at me for a long few seconds, as if expecting - for some reason - for me to return the bra to her. "Give me back my bra," she finally said, in a steely cold voice. When I instead caressed the cup, she flashed out one of her keys. "Open! Gate of the Lion! Leo!" He materialized before me, his attention on Lucy at first.

"Lucy, you look beautiful today."

"I'd look even more beautiful if my bra hadn't just been stolen!" She pointed accusingly at me.

"Here is her bra, Loke," I said, tossing it to the celestial spirit. He snapped it out of the air, but was far too gentlemanly to caress it overmuch. He simply handed it over to Lucy, then cracked his knuckles threateningly. Lucy began to grin manically, and I prepared myself for battle - or, more accurately, to run away and hide behind Ikaruga.

She was only a hallway away, and I hid behind her as Loke barreled after me. "Protect me, Ikaruga." I did not want to be beaten to teach me a lesson, after all, but I was doubtful I could manage to defeat Loke, a celestial spirit, in a hand-to-hand fight.

"Master, I will be your sword and shield," she said, instantly producing her katana from its sheath, looking somewhat absurd in her maid uniform as she faced off against a celestial spirit.

"Uh... okay, fine," Lucy said, deciding fighting wasn't worth it. "I got my bra back. Stop stealing it, Lee!"

"I cannot," I told her.

"You definitely can! Gah!" She just stomped off to the bathroom to put on her bra. Ikaruga didn't lose her poise of readiness for battle until Loke vanished back into the celestial realm. Lucy emerged once more a minute later. "My pink-haired masochistic maid is also better than yours, by the way," she said, trying to come up with something mean to say.

It was only later that I would consider why she had worn such an appealing bra, and curse myself.