Chapter 12

February 2014

"Mama!" I wailed.

Papa went to our house earlier to fetch me and take me to the park, but Mama said I was sick that was why he already left.

I was now crying, begging Mama to call Papa back. I didn't have my phone. She took it away from me so I wouldn't be able to talk to Papa.

"Mama, please?" I wailed again when she just ignored me. "Mama!"

"Shut up!" she roared, "Didn't I tell you that you're not allowed to go with your Papa anymore?! Go back to your room! I'm sick of your dramas!"

~

When I entered the kitchen to eat breakfast, I was surprised to see Mama and Toni already there. The clock just probably struck six so it was unusual to see them here when it was still early for them to be up.

If I would need to count the times we had eaten together, I wouldn't need a paper and a pen. I could literally count them with my fingers and toes.

"Sit down", Mama ordered before I could escape. I mindlessly obliged just to save myself the trouble I would face if I didn't.

Toni was too focused on her food to even acknowledge my presence so I just decided to get my fork and spoon. But before I could do so, Mama talked again, "Don't go out this Saturday."

I froze and frowned. "Why?"

"Your father will come home", she announced which made me hunched back against my chair, my appetite ebbing away.

I honesty didn't know what to feel with what she said.

"So what?" I asked indifferently. She looked at me sharply. "Don't you have some respect for your father?"

Did you? I wanted to ask but I said instead, "We have shooting."

Her face wrinkled with disapproval. "You've been shooting for probably months now and you're still not finished? How incompetent can you guys be?" she asked incredulously.

"You don't even know everything we do yet you have the gut to judge? How narrow-minded can you be?" I retorted in my head as I bit my tongue and inhaled a deep breath.

At least she didn't accuse me of just going out. "We've got other things on our hands."

"I don't care. I only want you to be here this Saturday", she said with finality but I was not willing to have it.

"It's not like he'll already be here in the morning", I reasoned.

"We'll need to prepare", she said nonchalantly that I just had to scoff. "What in the world are you talking about?"

I received a dark glare from her but I couldn't care less. I honestly couldn't understand her. Why was she being like this?

"Remember, Tati, that I am still your mother."

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Sure you are."

The clanking sound of her utensils was apparently loud as she placed them down abruptly. I took that as my cue to leave.

"Is that what you learn in school?!" she bawled just as I whirled around to take my leave. "Tati!"

I ignored her. I didn't want to fight with her. I didn't want to be like her.

"If that's the case, I might as well take you out the school!"

I stopped in my tracks, my mood dangerously going down. I turned around to face her with nothing but impassiveness. I looked at her squarely and uttered with the lowest tone I could muster, "I dare you."

•••

As I was rounding the corner, I bumped rashly into someone.

"What's with the rush?"

I looked up and saw James grinning down at me. If I wasn't feeling frigid, the gleam in his eyes could very well melt me on the spot.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him coldly.

A chuckle escaped his mouth. "You're still on your period?" he teased which made me sigh.

"Not now, James", I uttered in a dull monotone and walked past him.

My mind couldn't afford to pay attention to his blabbers. It was currently void of anything. It was dark there.

Having noticed my indifference, he turned me around and peered at me with worry. "You okay?"

I sighed and looked at him helplessly. "James, not now, okay? Just...", I stalled, not knowing what exactly to say, "...just go away."

If he was hurt about what I said, he didn't show. Instead he smiled and held my hand. The sun that was peeking at the horizon behind his back made him look magnificent.

"Let's go", he chirped and gently dragged me towards the direction of the peeking sun. "James, where are we going?! We're gonna be late for school!"

"It's literally just six, Tati. The school's just five minutes away", he answered dryly without looking at me.

"I have things to do", I tried to insist.

"Then do it with me", he said as he looked over his shoulders and winked at me. "Hurry! We're gonna be late for school!" he added while imitating my voice.

I just shook my head as a small smile appeared on my face.

•••

"Have you been here before?" James asked from in front me. We were at a bakery, more like a small cafe, probably ten minutes away from school.

I looked at him wryly. "Of course, I have. I live here, James, if you forgot."

He shrugged and reasoned, "You don't go out that much so how will I know?"

I brushed off his answer and asked, "Why are we even here?" I looked around. There were three farmers at one corner and a married couple at the other one. We were sitting near the entrance, overlooking the road that was beginning to be crowded by jeepneys and tricycles.

I actually hadn't been here. I saw it before in passing when my family and I were visiting Lula, but I had never stepped inside. Though, I had tasted their pandesal, a common Filipino bread shaped as small, oval loaves, a couple of times all because of Ate Stella.

"You haven't eaten yet?" I asked when my eyes regarded him again.

"I have already", I frowned, "but you haven't, right?"

I frowned even more.

Seeming to understand my confusion, he pointed at me and said, "You looked pale."

I scoffed. "You know that's shit, right?" How in the world could someone know if one has eaten or not just by looking at the complexion?

He chuckled with my use of words. "I didn't really know that you can curse."

I looked at him pointedly. "I didn't curse", I defended and added, "But I do know how to curse. I curse more often that you'd think."

"Really?" he said, brows up high. My brain automatically played Really Really by Winner upon processing the word James said. I fought hard not to sing along although my subconscious was already jamming with it, "Neol jeowahae."

Before I could utter a lyric, I asked James playfully, "Do you want to hear it? My mood's quite down for it."

His brows furrowed so I asked, "What?"

"Your mood", he pointed out, "What happened earlier?"

My mood that was starting to lighten went down again. "You just have to ruin it, don't you?" I snarled.

"What? No!" he defended, "I'm just worried."

"I'm fine", I said, looking away. I heard him sigh before uttering, "I'm not gonna force you to tell me but just so you know, I'm always available if you need someone."

I looked at him again. His eyes were glinting with sincerity and passion and beneath those, I could see myself. I could see my vulnerabilities, my pain, my past. But unlike how I would see them in the mirror, in his eyes, they were being coated by his passion.

I suddenly felt light and before I could even stop myself, I blurted out, "My mother and I. We sorta snapped at each other."

He seemed surprised that I actually said it so I added nonchalantly, "It's not that big. It's...normal. I guess."

He studied me for a few seconds and asked cautiously, "Can you tell me why?"

I pursed my lips before saying, "It's petty. She just didn't want me to go out this Saturday because my father's coming home, but we have a shooting so..." I shrugged and acted nonchalantly although my anxiety was slowly creeping in me. What would he say?

"So?"

"So I will not stay in the house! My father will not be home until probably afternoon. I don't really need to be there. My mother's just being pushy", I uttered and added, "I don't even know why she's making such a big deal out of it! The last time my father went home, she even forgot to tell me! So why in the world does she want to prepare for his arrival this time? And why did she want Toni and I to help her? Like what the hell is that?!" I exhaled sharply, "I mean, I just don't understand her. Why is she suddenly acting like that?" I stalled and muttered, "Like a good wife?"

"Because she is a good wife?" James drawled matter-of-factly. I scoffed, "Yeah, right."

"She isn't?"

I pursed my lips. "I don't know", I shrugged and looked at him, "She cheated on my father before so I guess she isn't."

His eyes rounded with surprised and I chuckled lightly, feeling quite good for being able to say that out loud. "You didn't know?"

He gaped at me. "How will I know?!"

I pouted. "Well, I think I've blurted it out to someone on seventh grade but I guess it's just my imagination."

"The hell, Tati! How can you talk so lightly about it?!" he exclaimed, shock still on his face. L

ooking at him now, I didn't think he would get over this soon. He seemed not to be used to such things.

I suddenly felt guilty. I shouldn't have told him that. What in the world was I thinking?

He would probably worry about me, pity me even. I didn't want that.

I cursed myself when a realization hit me. I just literally told James something I never told to anyone. Even to my friends!

I mentally shook my head. This was so bad. This was definitely bad. A hundred percent bad! This should...stop.

I glanced at James who was now looking outside, brows furrowed. I pursed my lips, trying to summon some courage.

The fact that I blurted out something about my family to him like it was a normal thing to do was overwhelming me. Clearly, I was starting to get comfortable around him, way too comfortable than I was comfortable of. He has unknowingly emptied a dark space in me that he was also filling in with his passion, and my broken part was gladly accepting it.

It was not me who had talked to him, cried to him, or even agreed to come here with him, it was the broken part in me. The one who had been yearning for what James was showing—all the attention, the sweet words of passion, and the silent promises of certainty. He gave the broken part in me what no one had given, not even me.

But it was just my broken part. The other parts in me didn't want any of it, I didn't want it.

I only wanted to be free, feel free. I wanted my broken part to be healed, and it was terrifying how James seemed to do just that.

I was afraid that he would be the greed my broken part would always need, and I was more afraid that I would surrender to this greed and choose to be selfish.

I would only want to be with him for the attention and certainty he would give, but not for love and passion.

I didn't want that. James didn't deserve it. I wouldn't be able to open up to him fully and that would ruin the both of us in all possible ways.

I couldn't let that happen.

"Here's your pandesal and coffee", a comely, little boy announced while serving us our food. "Thank you."

He smiled sweetly and left us. "That is one black coffee, Tati", James suddenly chirped, startling me.

I peered at him and he appeared to have regained his playful air. He pulled the cup of coffee to him and leaned down to smell it.

His nose wrinkled with its strong aroma. "How can you drink—"

"—James", I called him seriously. He looked at me and smiled. "Hmm?"

I pursed my lips again. "You're not assuming that I want you to court me or that this is the courtship, right?" I carefully asked, emphasizing the word "this".

He seemed taken aback with my question that he just looked at me with a puzzled expression.

I gulped, afraid that he would not take it lightly or even seriously.

After a few seconds, he finally said with so much nonchalance, "Not really."

I was not quite sure whether or not he was faking it. "You should eat, now", he added while pushing back the coffee to me.

I tried to smile at him but he was suddenly so interested with the pandesal.