Chapter 5

I stood in the mirror and adjusted my fitted red dress. I stared at my flat stomach expecting to see a little bump although I'm only two months into my pregnancy. I puckered my lips adding a bit more lipstick to darken the red shade. My eyes were finally going down from all the puffiness and I tapped around them to help relieve the pressure.

"Ava, are you sure you're still up for this?" Cat asked coming to stand next to me.

I nodded. I had to go to this party to see if anyone looked familiar. If there was even a slight chance of confronting my stranger than I have to do it.

"Look, you have been through a lot these past two days, I really don't want you to push yourself." I quickly shook my head, turning to face her.

"Cat, I have to. I have to at least try." I whispered.

My voice sounded raspy to my ears. My throat was definitely sore.

"Well, okay, if we leave now we can make it. We can stay there for an hour and we'll head back home." Cat said. I wrapped my arms around her gently.

"I couldn't go through any of this without you." I mumbled. She pecked my forehead and returned my embrace.

"Sure you can. You look great by the way." She said.

"Yea yea" I laughed.

We grabbed our things and made our way out of the house.

"Have you thought about what you'd say if you saw him?" Cat asked.

"I've been reciting different conversations for days. I don't have a clue." I admitted.

"Well, you can start by getting to know him a bit and telling him who you are." She suggested.

I nodded taking her words into consideration. The car was silent after that and it helped me to relax a bit. The past two days were an emotional turmoil for me. I haven't spoken to or heard from Royce since my big reveal. I moved some of my things out of the house and went to stay with Cat. I felt so embarrassed, so stupid and careless, things I never wanted to be. I've cried so much and I don't think I have any tears left. My throat ached, my eyes were sore and I could barely keep anything down. I have to constantly remind myself of the little person growing inside of me. It's hard to take care of myself properly with all of this going on. I want Royce back, I want this baby to be his, I want our life to be back to normal. I wish I could go back in time and never went to that stupid party. One night of fun caused me almost everything I worked so hard to keep.

"We're here." Cat whispered. I jumped at the sound of her voice. I was so engrossed in my thoughts, I hadn't realized we were at the hotel already. I looked at my watch and realized it was only 7:30pm. We slowly got out the car and made our way inside.

"Hold your head up and stand tall. You're okay." Cat whispered.

Taking a deep breath, I did what she said as we approached the front desk. After asking a few questions, we were directed to the Christmas party that was open for the public. I tugged at the sleeve of my red dress nervously as I looked around the ballroom. Cat nudged me gently, signaling me to relax. The ceiling was adorned with sharp elegant ice crystals that glittered beautifully against the marble floors. There were tables with finger foods, ice sculptures and drinks. A huge Christmas tree stood at the top of the stage which was in front of the room. Cat took my hand gently and guided me across the floor. Her white sleeveless dress looked lovely against her skin and her short red hair swayed gently against her neck.

"What do you have in mind?" She asked. I shrugged.

"They all look so stiff." I noted.

"Yea, like they're dancing with rods up their asses." Cat mumbled. I laughed at her words quietly.

"I guess I can try look amongst everyone to see if anyone looks familiar." I said.

"Do you even remember anything else about him?"

"I don't know, I just.....I remembered he had the most darkest set of green eyes, almost like emerald. They were so full. His jaw line was sharp and his lips were so pink. I think there was a hint of red in his hair but I could be wrong. I don't remember anything beyond that." I shrugged. Cat smirked giving me a strange look.

"Don't start." I said.

"I mean that's some pretty detailed descriptions for someone who was drunk." Cat said.

"Are you saying that I'm lying?"

"No, just that you probably remember more then you let on."

"I'm tired of you and my mom implying that I have some feelings towards that stranger. It was a mistake and that's it." I mumbled. She opened her mouth to say something, but looked like she decided against it and I'm glad.

"Well, take a look around the room, see if anyone looks familiar. We can leave in about an hour." She said. I nodded and left her side.

I glided around the room smoothly looking from face to face, hoping I'd catch a glimpse of his face. Nearly two hours later and I haven't seen anyone close to my stranger. No one had his eyes, his lips, his tall frame and it was so frustrating. It was 9pm when Cat and I decided to call it a night since we wanted to be home before midnight.

"Well you know it was a slim chance that he'd be here hun."

Cat said comforting as we drove out of the parking lot.

"I know, but I can't help but feel disappointed in myself. My relationship is probably over, I'm pregnant, have no clue who my child's father is or if I'll ever know and I'm all alone in this."

My voice cracked. "Hey, now you stop it right now." Cat said firmly.

She gripped my hand with her free hand instantly. "There's maybe a lot of things going wrong in your life right now, but you know what's right? Us. Ava and Catherine. Don't you know that you're never alone? You've got me, your mum and so many people who love you Ava." Her words caused the tears what I was holding back to come forward.

"I'm sorry I just...I never thought in a million years that I'd be in this situation."

"I know, but you have to make the best of it. You have a child to live for now. He or she needs their mom to be strong. You may not like how you got pregnant but your baby is still a blessing." I contemplated Cat's words as we drove back to Vancouver.

She was right. I have spent months in a slump and I'm tired of it. My doctor has been urging me to take care of myself because I was a bit under weight. I promised that I would take responsibility for my child and here I am letting myself whither away. I'm strong, I have a great support system at my side and I need to start acting like it. Christmas and New years came and went without a word from Royce. I'm normally hype during the holidays but I was far from the celebratory mood. Catherine and my mom tried their best to keep me occupied, but it wasn't working. Everytime I tried to forget him, my mind went back on him, wondering what he was doing, if he was okay and if he was eating on time. I hated thinking about him not taking care of himself. I had to fight the urge to not reach out to him. I just wish he'd say something before he had to leave.

"Oh my God! Ava I just saw the most adorable outfit for my little niece on Carters." Cat sang out.

She did a little wiggle in glee. I was sitting on the living room couch watching tv and eating chips while Cat was laid out on the floor with her laptop. I rolled my eyes.

"Cat, the baby is no where near close to coming for you to be looking at clothes."

"Are you kidding? It's never too early to shop."

"Well what if it's a boy?" I asked.

She snorted. "I don't care if it's a boy, he is wearing that outfit." She pointed at her screen adding emphasis to her comment.

"You're not going to turn my child into your personal barbie doll like you do to me." I said.

"Don't worry Ava, he'll work it out in therapy later." She waved her hand dismissively.

"Do you remember how we dared Tommy to try on our dresses?" Tommy was an old friend back when we were in high school. The three of us were nearly inseparable, until Tommy had to move to Texas before our senior year.

"Yea I do." I chuckled.

"We made him feel like he was the best in truth or dare when all we wanted was a life size doll."

"He made a great doll didn't he?" I said. I'm pretty sure after a while he caught on to what we were doing since everytime he chose dare we made him wear a dress.

"The best."

"That doesn't mean that you can treat my baby like Tommy." I warned.

"Oh no, your baby is going to be way more fun to dress up and smell so much better." We laughed softly and in that little moment, I knew that me and my little blimp will be okay no matter what. There was a soft knock at the door and Cat jumped up quickly.

"That's probably dad. I've been nagging him to come over to fix the toilet all day." She groaned. I started laughing again.

"Ava, constipation is not funny." She whined.

"It is when it's your torpedo ass."

"Says the girl who spent the entire prom night in a bathroom stall." I gasped, shocked that she brought that up again.

"I had food poisoning." She laughed lightly before pulling the front door open.

"Oh, how can I help you?" Cat's voice went dull.

I peaked over the couch and was shocked to see Royce at the door. I jumped off of the couch, bowl of chips forgotten and made my way to the door slowly. My hands got all clammy as I approached them. Our eyes connected and for the first time in days I felt a small wave of relief. Royce's eyes and nose were puffy red and I knew that he had been crying also. His face was blank, not giving any emotion away.

"Hi." I whispered.

"Hey, can we talk?" He asked.

I nodded immediately and grabbed my coat. I looked towards Cat and she nodded in encouragement. I walked quietly behind him throughout Cat's yard. The sun had already set making the air much colder. The truck was silent for a few moments as Royce drove. It was driving me insane and I don't know how much more of his silence I can take.

"I leave tomorrow." He stated.

"I know." I whispered sadly.

"I've been going over our fight for days in my head, trying to make sense of it all. I just can't wrap my head around it."

"I'm so sorry for ruining the holidays." I said.

"That isn't all you ruined." He pointed out.

My eyes fell to my lap in chagrin. "I know."

"I need to know."

"What do you want to know? I promise I will be completely honest." I looked towards him eager for him to hear me out.

"Oh, now you want to be honest? You've had weeks to be honest with me Ava. You've been lying for weeks." He said.

My lips quivered by the hurt I heard in his voice.

"I know and I'm sorry, but I was so afraid. I didn't know how to tell you all of this over the phone. I didn't want you to find out that way."

"What happened that night?"

The blank expression from earlier came back on his face. I took a deep breath. I was hoping he'd give me time to explain it all, but now that he has, the nervousness came back like a tidal wave.

"Um, Cat and I went to Masquermania and it was supposed to be clean fun. I was only trying to have some fun. I was starting my new job, it was her birthday, almost halloween and I just wanted to feel free. I'm always so uptight and I never let loose so I figured I could've done it then. I was wrong. I drank so many drinks that I lost count. I heard these warning signs going off in my head, but I kept going, I ignored them. There was this guy who kept coming onto me..." I trailed off as Royce's grip on the steering wheel tightened. Finding my voice again I continued. "He was persistent about dancing and he wouldn't take no for an answer. I think.....I think we ended up dancing somehow. I don't know how or when and the rest of the night is just bits and pieces. I remember him taking my hand and leading me somewhere, but the next thing I remember was waking up the next morning in his room. I sneaked out without a word and left." I finished.

"Why didn't Catherine looked for you?" He asked.

"She did. She tried calling my phone but it was dead.She said one minute I was dancing and the next I was gone. She searched for me for hours." I said.

"She should've tried harder, she should've brought you back kicking and screaming." His voice was getting louder.

"Royce, it wouldn't make a difference. It happened and it was a mistake, a stupid mistake. Please, it's over now."

"No it isn't. How can you possibly say that when it's not. You don't know who this guy is, but your carrying his.....his spawn." He said. I flinched at his words.

"This is still my baby Royce. I hate the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy, but I can't make my child pay for my foolish mistake." I said.

"How can I be with you? How can I even look at you knowing what you've done, seeing you pregnant? You have betrayed me in the worse possible way." He said.

Tears left my eyes slowly. I can't expect him to forgive me, it's selfish and not reasonable. He has been there for me through everything and I can't expect him to be here now.

"So, I guess there's no us?" I asked.

"There was no us the minute you slept with someone else." He mumbled. A quiet sob left my lips and I covered my mouth.

"Ava, can you put yourself in my shoes for a bit? Do you honestly think you would've forgiven me had the tables been turned?" I don't think I could've taken it had the situation been reversed.

The thought of it nearly sickened me and I understood more why he couldn't do it.

"I understand Royce. It's selfish of me to think we could work this out. I don't know how I would've taken it if the roles were reversed." I admitted shakily.

"I love you Ava. You have been my world for over four years. I expected your first child to be mine also, a moment to share together. I don't know how I can take this." He said.

I played with my fingers, my eyes in my lap.

"Look, just give me some time. I need to think and I'm having a hard time doing that right now. I have to focus on school and I don't need this. I have to think about us." He said.

"Do you hate me?" I murmured. Royce fixed his eyes straight ahead as he drove, probably thinking over his response.

"If you had asked me that a few days ago I would've said yes." He admitted.

My heart twisted in my chest at his words. "But now, no. I don't hate you. I am hurt, I'm disgusted and angry at you but I don't hate you." I nodded resolved.

"Take all the time you need. I get it." I whispered.

Royce gave me the okay to move back into the house, which gave me hope for his return. He suggested that we take sometime apart to think about what we wanted and I couldn't agree more. Some thinking space is something he needs and I can't rush him. I love him. I drove Royce to the airport the next morning. My heart was kinda heavy thinking about how our holiday went. This was suppose to be a time of love and family and I can't help but feel horrible for ruining it. Royce sighed softly as he hooked his duffel bag on his shoulder. I walked around the car to stand in front of him quietly. There was a still moment as his black eyes stared into mines. He sighed closing his eyes gently and pressed his forehead against mines. I gasped quietly, shocked by his sudden affection. He pulled me into a gentle hug and I sighed softly in relief, burying my nose into his jacket, squeezing him tightly. This may just be the last time I get to do that.

"This is for you." He pulled away before gently pulling out a small wrapped box from his pocket. My eyes watered as I took the gift from his hands gently.

"I don't think I deserve this."

"Well for now, I think you do." He said with a small smile. It hurt to see that his smile didn't reach his eyes. I turned and grabbed his gift from it's spot in the glove box before turning to hand it to him.

"Well here's yours." I shrugged sadly. He took the gift and nodded gently.

"I'll talk to you soon." He said. With a heavy heart I watched as he turned away and headed inside the airport, no smile, no final wave. I stood there for several minutes after he left before jumping in my car and heading back home. I don't know what the future holds for Royce and I, but I hope it's the best for us both.