Chapter 42

The first thing that I registered was warmth. Not just any warmth, but the kind of warmth you can only get from a naked body. I opened my eyes slowly, slightly disoriented about my surroundings. I was laying on the floor facing the flat screen and the room was dark. The light snores in my ear and the firm grip around my waist from behind was like a dose of cold water. I was instantly alert as every memory from last night jumped to the forefront of my mind. I turned my body gently to see Mason's face. He was fast asleep, his mouth slightly ajar and his head was positioned on my shoulder. We were a tangled mess and I couldn't tell where I ended and where he began. He looked so perfect, so at peace and comfortable in our embrace. There were so many emotions coursing through me, shock, euphoria, confusion, but the strongest one of them all was fear. My fear hit me like a mac truck, stunning, crippling and it was the only thing I could focus on. My heart took off faster than a hummingbird’s wings as the reality of last night set in. How could I be so stupid? How could I allow my twist up emotions to guide me? Not only was I confused about Mason, I was still hurting over Royce. I couldn't bear to face Mason or Royce at this point. I quietly disentangled myself from Mason's hold. I held my breath as I ever so gently moved to my feet. I froze in place as he sighed softly and tossed his arm over his eyes. I released a breath in relief, grabbed my robe and made my way up the stairs. It didn't take me long to get dressed, grab my things and head out of the door. I knew I was wrong for sneaking out the way I did, but at this moment the only thing I cared about was my shame. Tears pooled in my eyes as I realized I had no one to blame but myself, I wasn't drunk last night, completely in my right mind and still slept with him. What is wrong with me? It was nearly 10 am when I made it back to Vancouver. I've got several miscalls from the two people I was trying so desperately to avoid, Mason and Royce. I couldn't go to my mother's house because I knew that would be the first place they'd look. I pulled up in front of Caleb's house, relieved to see Cat's car. I was more than eager to see her as I knocked on the door quickly. Like I expected, Caleb opened the front door wearing red pajama pants and a t-shirt.

"Ava, what are you doing here?"

"What do you mean? I always come to see you." I mumbled.

"Yea but never early in the morning and especially not on Sunday."

I sighed, "I just really wanted to see Cat, if that's okay?" I was staring at the welcome mat, not wanting to meet his eyes.

Although Mason and Caleb are different, they still have some resemblance so looking at him right now won't help my emotions. I felt his gaze on me closely but still refused to look up. "Of course, come in."

"Thanks." I stepped inside.

'"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." I looked behind him and saw Cat coming out of the living room wearing an oversized t-shirt, Caleb's I assume.

"Ava, what are you doing here?" I moved past Caleb quickly and went into her arms.

I've never been more thankful for her taller frame then I did at this moment. I felt safe somehow, a kind of safety only your best friend can offer. "What's wrong hun? Are you okay?" Her voice was full of concern.

"I'm sorry for interrupting you guys, I just needed to get out of there."

"Out of where?" I hesitated as I pulled away from her embrace.

She read my expression before looking at Caleb. "Babe, give us a minute?"

"Ok I'll make you guys some coffee." He said before leaving us.

Cat took my hand and led me to the sofa in the living room. "What's going on?"

"Where do I start?" I laugh humorlessly.

"The beginning?" She suggested.

"Royce....cheated on me."

Cat's eyes widened. "He did? Again?" I nodded as a stray tear slid down my cheek.

"I saw the messages in his phone last night." Cat rubbed my shoulder instantly.

"Oh my God. Oh honey."

"We had this huge argument and I basically told him it was over before leaving." I couldn't control the break in my voice.

"Oh no. Are you okay? Do you want me to kill him cause you know I would." I smiled a little at that because I knew she'd move mountains to help me.

"I'm so stupid."

"Don't say that." She chastised me.

"I am! I constantly make these stupid decisions and I don't know why I do that." I sobbed.

Cat took my hand between hers. "Ava, what do you mean? You can't hold yourself responsible for Royce's actions. He's a pig for doing that to you."

"I slept with Mason last night." I rushed out.

Cat's eyes widened and her mouth went slack. "Girl, you did not."

I nodded before wiping my tears away angrily. I hated having an audience to my bad decisions, but Cat is the one person I knew who would never judge me. "Ava, why did you do that? That wasn't very wise."

"Don't you think I know that? I knew it, I still did it and I don't even know why. I thought you'd be thrilled to hear me say that."

"Normally I would but you obviously still feel conflicted about Royce. Sending Mason mixed signals will do a lot more harm than good."

"What do I do?"

"You have to know what you want Ava. You have to be honest with yourself and you have to talk to him."

"I don't even know what to say."

"I know but you can't avoid him Ava. Talking to him may help you clear things up but you have to stop running." She pleaded.

"I wouldn't even know what to say to him or where to begin Cat. I don't want to see him or talk to him right now" I cried.

"I dare say it's a tad bit late for that."

His voice sent a thrill straight to my heart like it always does. I stood up and turned around quickly to see Mason and Caleb standing in the living room entrance. We stared at each other for a long moment, waiting. I could see by the set of his shoulders and the flare of his nostrils that he was upset, and he had every right to be. My shallow breaths were coming out fast and low as I waited for his next move.

"Um, why don't we leave these two to talk babe?" Caleb suggested gently.

Cat gave my hand a little squeeze, "Talk to him." She whispered before going to Caleb's side.

"We'll be upstairs." He said.

Throughout the entire exchange, Mason did not take his eyes off me. I don't even think he blinked in the last three minutes. His unwavering gaze charged the atmosphere even more and I fiddled with my fingers nervously. What should I say? This is exactly why I was avoiding him. "Well?" He said breaking the silence.

"Well what?" I asked timidly.

"Are you going to explain what happened back there?"

"Explain what?"

"Ava!" He shouted incredulously.

"What do you want me to explain?" I asked, desperately trying to come up with a good explanation.

"I want you to explain why you came to me last night, why you came into my arms only to leave at the break of dawn!" He moved closer until we were only a few feet a part.

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? The hell with your apologies, I want an explanation Ava. This isn't three years ago, I'm not some guy you screwed after a party."

"I know."

"You came to me, remember?"

"Yes of course." I mumbled.

"You didn't go to your mother, or came here or even went to Julia, you drove three hours last night to come to me. You knew what you were looking for, you knew what would've happened!"

"Ma....maybe." I stuttered out. I was completely lost for words.

"Not maybe, you knew, and I want to know why you left. Why would you come to me if you knew you'd leave again? Was last night a mistake?" He sounded hurt, crushed even.

"I don't know, okay! I don't know, I wasn't thinking clearly."

"What, what are you going to say now? Your hot chocolate intoxicated you?!"

"No!"

"Ava," He closed the distance between us quickly and grabbed my hand firmly. He placed my hand against his chest causing the thrill to shoot up my arm. "Do you feel that?" He asked.

"I…I" I was a sobbing mess.

He took his free hand and wiped my tears away before caressing my cheek. "Don't tell me that you don't feel that because I know that you do. Don't tell me you don't feel anything for me. I know that too. There is something between us Ava, something explosive and you can't fight that. Why are you running away from me?"

"I... I don't know. I'm so confused." I cried.

His eyes were filled with anguish. Anguish that I caused and couldn't bear to face. "Ava, do you want to be with me?"

"Please, I can't deal with this now Mason. I don't want to."

Mason dropped his hands instantly, crushed. I couldn't bear to look at the pain in his eyes as he stared at me. I was a complete and total mess. He turned away then, almost as if he was leaving but suddenly turned back to face me. The anguish was replaced with anger, defeat.

He snorted incredulously. "You know you always teased me about how I'm my father's prodigy, how I'm more his twin than I am to my own brother. Now look at you, exactly like your father." His words sobered me up and I instantly felt nauseous.

"What did you just say?" I asked, shocked.

"You heard me. You detest the man so much and you don't even realize that you're just like him."

"I am nothing like him!" I shouted.

"Really?! You may not have ran out on your own kids, but you definitely run out on everyone else!"

"I do not!"

"Oh, cut the crap Ava! You run every chance you get. You don't stick around for anything and act as if you're a coward! Anytime things get too tough you run and bury it hoping you never have to face it."

"That's not true."

"God, you even dated a man for seven years who's just like your father!"

"You don't know anything about Royce! He's a good man, he didn't want any of this!"

"I know that he runs out on you constantly, I know that he leaves you alone wondering where he's gone off to for hours, days even! You love to view him as a victim, but he chose to stay! No one forced him, no one held a gun to his head! He chose to stay with you and still leaves you!"

"Stop it!" Why is he doing this?

"You've been with him all of these years because he's your safety net. You know that he will always come back, just how he believes you would too. All he has to do is remind you of how he stayed, how he forgave you and helped raise our kids. Then, you know what he'll do? He'll cheat every chance he gets and for every time you catch him, all he has to do is remind you again."

A sob broke from lips, harsh and swift. "You don't know him like I do. You don't know what we have."

"Had!" He corrected me. "And from what I can see that was toxic."

"No, it wasn't" I shook my head.

"Really? Then why are you shaking? Why are you scared? Why do you constantly find yourself in my arms?"

I continued to sob and brought my hands up to cover my face. Why is he doing this to me? Was he right? Was I exactly like my father? Mason released a gust of air from his mouth. "You need to decide what you're going to do Ava because as much as I love you, as much as I'd fight for you, I won't settle for being your second choice and I won't let you turn me into someone that says pick me and not him." He whispered.

I didn't look up until I heard the door slam. The sound vibrated through the floors. My eyes landed on Cat who stood a few feet away. Her eyes were filled with sorrow and worry as she whispered, "Ava..."

I sobbed and shook my head silently before quickly running out of the house. This time, I knew exactly where I needed to go. She was only the person that had the answers to all my silent questions, my mother. I pulled up in front of Joey's home, I guess it's my mother's home now too. The house was pretty cliché if you asked me. A beautiful white house with a white picket fence. The front porch was massive, containing two mahogany benches on each end and a small table that looked like it was intended for board games. My mother was in front of the yard tending to her new garden that she planted in front of the house, adding more color to the plain house. She looked startled when I entered the yard.

"Sweetheart, I thought you weren't coming to get the girls until tomorrow."

I shook my head as I approached her. "I am, um...where are they?"

"They're in the house with Joey watching tv. What's the matter?"

"I....I'm.. "

"Ava what's wrong?"

"Am I like him?" I asked suddenly.

It's no use beating around the bush now. She frowned, "Like who?"

"My father, mom. Am I just like my dad, have I always been like him?" Her frown deepened.

"Where is this coming from?"

"Please, I need to know mom." I begged.

The tears were threatening to flow, and I struggled to keep them at bay for now. She stared at me silently for a moment before removing her gardening gloves. "Come over here."

She guided me up the porch and to the bench on the right corner of the porch. "Sit and tell me what happened, what brought this on?"

"I don't think I can go through everything again. I just made a complete mess of things and I'm tired mom."

"What are you tired of?"

"Running. I'm tired of running." I admitted.

"Well it's about time. What are you running from this time?"

"Mason, Royce, my feelings, everything mom."

"Is that why you think you're like your father?" She asked gently.

I nodded. "Dad was always on the go. He never stayed, he was always leaving us, and I can't help but think I'm the same way." Mom sighed and took my hand gently into hers.

"I admit you do have some of your father's qualities. You're more like him than you think but that isn't necessarily a bad thing."

"How is that not bad? He left us mom. I don't want to be like him."

"And you're not, not in that way. Your father ran away from his feelings, his problems and his responsibilities. While you do tend to bury and avoid your feelings along with some of your problems, you always take responsibility for your actions."

"I want to stop mom. I want to stop running but I don't know how."

"You have to first admit what you're running from Ava and you have to admit why you feel the need to run."

I felt the familiar urge to leave, to build a wall and shut everything off. I've spent years evading certain things and it was definitely a talent. But it was a talent that I was done practicing. I wanted to be open and honest. I don't want to be like my father anymore.

"I'm running from how I feel about Mason and Royce." I whispered.

"What do you feel for them?"

The first emotion that I registered was anger, anger towards Royce. "I'm angry at Royce."

"Why sweetie?"

"Because he has been hurting me for years." I cried. "For years he has been holding every mistake and every flaw over my head using it to manipulate me. Even before I had the girls, he constantly did it. He was always leaving me and left me wondering if he'd come back, if we still had a relationship. He's a hypocrite, a cheater and a liar and I always knew it mom. I always brushed it aside and tried to work things out because he said he loved me, but his words never matched his actions."

I was sobbing at this point and my mother's hold on my hand tightened. Her eyes were full of sorrow, understanding and love. "And how do you feel about Mason?" She whispered gently.

"I love him." I sobbed. "I love him mom, I love him so much. From the first moment I met him I felt wanted, I felt worth loving and beautiful. Mason showed me in months what Royce couldn't for years! He's always showing me that he loves me, that I'm important even when he dated Chasity. The girls and I always came first and anything I asked, verbally or not he provided it. He was always a listening ear and constantly teaching me new things and he's so patient mom. He never judges or forces me into anything. He was even willing to love me from afar if I chose to be with Royce and now, I think I messed it up."

"Why didn't you just tell him this Ava? Why didn't you tell them both how you feel? Why run?"

"Because I'm scared momma! I'm so scared."

"What are you afraid of?" I hesitated.

Why was I afraid? Why couldn't I just tell them how I felt and what I wanted? What did I have to lose? I shuttered as the answer finally came to light. "Say it Ava, so you can deal with it once and for all." She urged.

"I'm afraid that he'll leave." I whispered.

"Who?"

"At first, I was afraid Royce would leave. That's why I held onto him for so long but what I feel for Mason is so much stronger and that scares me. What if he leaves me mom? He's too good for me and he'll eventually leave just like daddy did, because I wasn't good enough for him either." I cried.

"Ava?!" My mom said incredulous, her eyes wide. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"Because it's true! I wasn't good enough for dad. I wasn't a good daughter, so he left me, he left us mom."

"Don't say that!"

"He didn't even want me." She released my hands instantly and gripped my face firmly between her hands.

"Ava don't you say that, don't you ever say that again! Do you understand?!" Tears streamed down my cheeks as I stared into her fierce eyes. "Your father was a coward. He never took responsibility for his actions or the people he hurt with them. He was young and dumb and never wanted to be tied down. I wished I knew that earlier, I wished I could've given you a better father but then I wouldn't have you. And you, my love are the best thing that ever happened to me. Being your mother is my greatest joy. You're a wonderful woman and a wonderful mother and that is what Mason's sees, what we all see."

"It's not my fault?" I sobbed.

She shook her head instantly, tears escaping her eyes also. "It's not your fault, it was never your fault. We can't choose who decides to leave us Ava. Some people are only meant for a season and that includes family. We can't control what they do but we can control how we react. You have to stop blaming yourself for other people's actions. If Royce leaves, so what? If Mason decides to leave, then so what? You will be just fine with or without them." She wiped away my tears gently. "Your good enough baby, even your children know that."

I closed my eyes as she pressed her lips to my forehead. Her words were exactly what I needed. Being open and vulnerable are the hardest things I ever had to do. "Thank you." I mumbled as she pulled away.

"Don't thank me yet." She stood too quickly and headed in the house leaving me confused.

It wasn't long until she came back outside and retrieved her seat next to me once again. She placed a cordless phone in my hand. "His number hasn't changed." She answered my unspoken question.

"You think I should?"

She nodded solemnly. "You need to close that chapter of your life Ava. Stop allowing this man to have power over your present and don't give him power over your future."

I sighed, of course she was right, but what was I supposed to say? It took me years to admit how I feel to the one person I trusted more than anyone in the world, how can I do the same for a stranger. Yes, he is my father but he's still a stranger to me. It was crazy that after all these years, I still had his number memorized. I took a deep breath and placed the phone to my ear gently as it started to ring. My heart felt like it was falling to my ass as I waited for him to pick up the phone. There was loud music coming from his end before I heard light shuffling.

"Ahem, Yello." I shut my eyes tightly at the sound of his voice.

My palms became sweaty and I was having trouble holding the phone up. "Helloo?" I took another shaky breath before responding.

"Dad?" Can you hear a heart stutter over the phone, because I swore, I heard his? The music in his background instantly ceased. Maybe he moved to another room.

"Ava?" He gasped out, shocked.

"Hi dad." I whispered.

"My God, um, how...how are you? You good?"

"Yea, yea I'm good."

"Wow, it's been a while huh kiddo? It's been years." He chuckled nervously.

I could hear the unease in his voice like I'm sure he can hear it in mine. "Yea it has."

"Um, so how old are you now? Twenty-One, twenty-two?" My heart sank even further, and I didn't think that was possible.

"I'm twenty-six dad."

"Oh wow, that's, that's surely something."

I didn't respond as I listened to his feet shuffling on the other side. "Yea so I'm good, I'm just hanging out with some of my friends, shooting some pool." His nonchalance angered me by each passing moment.

He hasn't heard from me, his daughter for over a decade and the only thing he's concerned about is deflecting the conversation. It was like he didn't want to acknowledge me or the wrong that he did, a method I knew all too well. His evasiveness sickened me even more because I knew I did the same thing for years.

"Well that's great dad, but I wasn't exactly calling to see how your day was going."

"Oh? So why did you call?"

"I just thought that you'd want to hear your daughter's voice after nearly fifteen years. I don't know, maybe ask me how my day was going, or my life for that matter. I guess I was wrong."

"Ava..."

"I don't want to hear you speak. I don't want you to say another word, I just want you to listen, understand?" I said angrily.

I continued quickly not waiting for him to respond. "I'm tired dad. I'm tired of running, I'm tired of hoping that one day you'd come back for me, I'm tired of blaming myself for your absence and hurting because of it. I'm mad at you." I cried. "I'm so angry with you for what you did to me and my mom. Nothing we ever did was good enough to make you come back, to make you stay. I was holding onto you and what you did for so long that I've allowed it to affect my adulthood and I won't anymore. You have broken me in every way because you are the one man who was never supposed to hurt me. You missed every game, every graduation, every dance, every ceremony, you missed out on me!" My mom covered her mouth silently trying to keep her tears at bay as I vented.

"You were supposed to love me and protect me. You were supposed to teach me how I'm supposed to be treated and the only thing you taught me was how to leave! How to run away and hide my feelings, how to hurt others. You were the first man to break my heart." I wiped my tears away angrily.

"For years, mom always told me that you left her and not me, but you did dad. You left ME. You never ever fought for me and I'm done fighting for you. I'm done being like you and so over waiting for you. So, since you didn't ask how my day is going, let me tell you how my life is going." I stood from the bench almost as if he stood in front of me as I spoke. "I graduated from high school with a full scholarship, graduated from college with honors, I am an editor for one of the best publishing companies in the United States and I have two beautiful, beautiful girls." My tears streamed down my cheeks as I spoke.

"Your granddaughters, and they mean the world to me. I am there for them for everything and I fight for them every day. I am showing them what it means to be loved completely, how young ladies should be treated, showing them that I will never leave their sides even if they can't see me. I am showing them everything my mother taught me, what you should've taught me and so much more."

I heard soft whimpering on the phone when I stopped speaking and waited for his response. "Ava I..wha....what, what should I do?" he whispered in anguish.

"I want you to never forget anything that I just said today. I want you to think about it every day for the rest of your miserable life and I want you to remember that you didn't just walk out on your girlfriend and daughter, you walked out on two amazing women and your granddaughters." I said firmly.

"Oh and 'DAD'?"

"Ye..yes?"

"I forgive you." I said simply before hanging up.

Mom stood instantly with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. She engulfed me into a hug quickly and I sighed deeply as she held me close. "I am so proud of you baby." She cried.

"Thank you mom. Thank you so much, for everything." She pulled away with a smile and nodded.

"Being your mother is my greatest joy."

She placed a kiss on my cheek. I heard the front door eased open before I saw their little faces.

"Mommy?" Lily said hesitantly, probably feeling the serious atmosphere. I smiled brightly before dropping to my knees and opening my arms. Their little faces lit up as they ran into my arms happily.

"Hmm my girls, my beautiful babies. Mommy missed you so so much."

I buried my head into their curls, taking in their sweet scent. I kissed their slightly salty cheeks. They were eating chips.

"We missed you too momma." Peppa grinned.

It's truly amazing how something that bothered you in your childhood could affect your adulthood if it's not dealt with. My father's neglect hurt me more than I thought and letting it go was one of the best decisions because now I can truly love my children and show them that true love without any pain.