Chapter 95: Alex shares memories and his heart...

He looked down at the floor for a long moment, thinking. "I remembered a lot of things that never happened to me. It's all stuff that happened a long time ago to other people. I guess maybe they were me. I don't know. I remembered a lot of fighting, and dying over and over, and being very lonely and hurt." He shut his mouth, frowning as if to push through too much emotion all at once. He shook his head. "I remember pieces still, but it's mostly fading. But when they gave me that stuff, when Lydia was trying to make me choke on it, I remembered everything like it had all just happened two minutes ago.

"So in the beginning, yeah, I guess I just wanted it all to end. But I didn't want to lose you," Alex shrugged. "I would never want to lose you. I was so afraid of what they would do to you. So once I started sorting out my head again, all I could really think about was finding you."

"Do you feel sorted out now?"

"I think so. It's not so hard to think straight anymore. I don't feel like I'm misremembering everything that happens to me." Alex glanced at the tub. It had filled up enough to get in. Alex stood and continued to undress. Lorelei watched him, studying him quietly as he took off his shirt, his pants, his socks. He could see her doing it, and for the first time he didn't feel the least bit self-conscious. For perhaps the first time, when his boxer-briefs came off in front of her, he wasn't desperately erect. Yet even now, there was the flash of appreciation in her eyes.

Alex knelt down behind her then and helped her get out of her thoroughly trashed nightgown. "Just relax," he told her as she moved to rise. She looked up patiently and received a light kiss upon her neck with a smile. He picked her up in his arms yet again and carried her over into the warm water of the bathtub. It was certainly a bit of effort for him; while he was in decent shape and while she was light, setting her down was a little awkward. He managed, though, and soon she was reclined against one side of the tub.

The water and the contours of the tub were comforting. Despite her bruises and her scars, she found that the tub was far more soothing than she expected. It was entirely likely, though, that this was mainly because of the company. Though the warmth of the tub was so relaxing to her weary body that she could easily have drifted off to sleep, she couldn't take her eyes off of her young lover as he knelt down into the tub before her.

"You are different," Lorelei told him. Her gaze and her voice were thoughtful, but no less adoring than they had ever been. "More sure of yourself. It's in your movements, in your face. In your voice. You're still my Alex, but something seems to have settled for you."

Alex frowned a bit as he searched for words. He reached for a washcloth, pulling it through the water before raising it to Lorelei's face to gently clean away blood and grime. "I kinda feel like my life just makes more sense now. Not all the craziness. Not you, really, no offense," he grinned a bit, "but everything else. Like why I've always felt so lonely, y'know?"

"I believe I understand," Lorelei nodded. "Drew told me that you always seem to expect things to come to a bad end. Perhaps this is some holdover from another life. Or lives." There was a slight shimmer in her eyes as she looked at him. He continued to wash her with his touch as gentle as could be. Once her face was clear of all but her bruises and abrasions, he worked his way down her neck, liberally using soap and his own touch. "You must have done a lot of fighting in your past, too."

"Yeah. I guess so. That's... weird. I remember the parts of it that hurt. I remember a lot of fighting. I don't think I was ever really happy with that. I'm certainly not now. But at the same time, I just... I don't know. It's really scary to say this, but something about that really was... comforting? I don't know how to say it. Maybe I just felt like I was in my element for once. Ever since we first met, I've felt like a fish out of water. Then tonight I had a weapon in my hand, and I just thought, 'Hey, I can play this game. I'm good at this game.'"

"There is a world of difference between the enjoyment of violence and the sense of security and pride one might justly develop in one's skills. There is no shame in the latter. As I said, you seem more confident."

Alex just nodded and continued to tenderly bathe her. She allowed him his silence for some time. "Master," she finally said very softly, "there is such sadness in you."

"I think I've had my heart broken a lot," he told her. "I remember that more than the fighting or the dying. The faces are there, but I can't really describe any of them. It's like I've got one name after another on the tip of my tongue." His eyes fell away from hers. The words came out slowly. "I've been cheated on. A lot. I've been abandoned. Rejected. Betrayed. And I'm pretty sure that whenever it looked like it might actually work out, I've... died. Or she did. Or both of us. But I don't ever remember being happy for very long at all. Just long enough to know that I was really in love, and then it all fell apart." He took a long breath. A tear fell from his eye. "But mainly I just remember being very hurt and very lonely."

"Then perhaps we are not so different after all," Lorelei suggested. "Perhaps we have both longed for shelter for a very long time, and have only found it now." She watched him for a moment more. Her words sank in for him. She could feel it. Lorelei reached up to touch his jaw with her fingertips, turning him to look up to her.

"I love you, master. So much that it becomes part of what defines me for myself. To call you master is to swear my devotion to you, and my love. And while I do not speak for Rachel, I will tell you that no angel would give her heart to a mortal lightly or frivolously or by mistake. She may seem a bit... odd," Lorelei granted with a slight grin, "but I promise you she knows exactly what she does.

"We will both love you for the rest of your days, master. We have no intention of allowing those days to be short. And when those days finally pass... I speak only for myself, but I will find you in your next life, and I will love you then, too."

"You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that," Alex managed to mumble.

Lorelei smiled softly. "Says the man who literally followed me into the Pit and slew a Duke of Hell itself because he would not give me up. Who rejected the charms of a succubus because she had harmed me. I know, Alex," Lorelei said quickly, raising her other hand to his opposite cheek. "I feel your desires, even those that repulse you. You know she taunted you to torment us both, don't you?"

"Yeah," Alex nodded. There was pain in his eyes, and guilt. "I'm sorry, Lorelei. I'm so sorry."

"Do not be. You have no reason to apologize. Master, surely you understand -- none know better than I what one such as Lydia is capable of doing to a man. Had you fallen to her charms, I would have... I would have been hurt by what she had done to you, but you would be blameless. Utterly blameless. Being with me makes you terribly vulnerable to seduction. I have always hoped this would be a happy flaw. You like being pursued. Anyone would. Normally, I would want you to give in and enjoy. I will always be there to protect and guide you. No one can steal you from me, yet you are free to indulge other women in the attempt. But this... master, you have no reason to feel guilt or shame."

"I wanted her," Alex confessed. A new tear came down his cheek, followed by another. "God, she had you tortured and was going to send you to Hell and I wanted to fuck her."

"Your body cried out for relief," Lorelei corrected, "largely because of changes that I have made in you. Master, I swear to you, there was nothing in your desires that I did not understand. My own body was ready to betray me as well. But you did not allow it in yourself."

"I would've," he pressed, the words coming out in something just short of a sob. "If she had kept coming onto me like that, I don't know how much longer I could've held out."

"You held out more than enough," Lorelei told him. "Long enough to free yourself. Long enough to free me. No one is unbreakable, master. But you are made of stronger stuff than anyone might ever guess." She paused, hesitating for a moment before she went on. "Had you wanted to claim Lydia as your own and satisfy any urge, I would have likewise held you blameless and even helped you keep her in line as your slave."

Alex looked up at her in shock, but Lorelei's soft, loving smile remained. "I am a demon, master. You are far more merciful than I. There wasn't a moment's doubt as to what you would choose, but had you gone down a darker path, I would certainly not have judged you poorly for it. Yet you did not. I would not have loved you less... but in the event, I love you all the more."

Gingerly, she moved in on Alex in the tub. Lorelei took up a place in his arms much like that which she had enjoyed all the way up to the room. "Let it go, my love," Lorelei told him. Her head leaned against his neck, her arms coming around his body. "You bear too much sorrow tonight already. Do not compound it by trying to carry it alone. I am here. Let it out."

He sniffed. "I'm not sure I've really got more tears," he said. "Kind of sorry for that. I don't want you to think I wouldn't let them out in front of you. I won't hide anything from you, Lorelei."

"I know, master. I know."

"It's... it's kind of awkward to ask this. Something I'm afraid of, really. How much did you get from Rachel and I being together?"

Lorelei smiled fondly. "I regained my wings." It was an obvious enough thing, but worth pointing out. "You asked before if I enjoyed being with you less than I enjoyed you being with others. Master, you and Rachel... it truly is as if I'm a part of you both. Taylor was wonderful. Onyx was even more moving. But Rachel... I know how you love her, master. Your feelings for her are every bit as beautiful as what you feel for me. I would do anything to keep you together."

"She said about the same thing for you and I. Not the connection part, but about wanting to keep you and I together."

"I am not surprised." Lorelei smiled up at him.

"Lorelei," he said softly, "I don't want to lose this intimacy with you. Ever. That's the one thing that I still really worry about. You're closer to me than anyone. Except that with Rachel, I felt the same way. And it was like I didn't have to say anything at all. I felt like she could read me like a book. The way you do, except differently. You draw it all out of me."

"It sounds like we all find our way," Lorelei suggested.

"But doesn't that cheapen it for us? Or for her and I?" Alex asked. "I don't... I don't want to sound like I'm playing favorites. I don't know if I really could. You're the most important person in my life, except saying that seems unfair to Rachel... but not saying it seems unfair to you."

"I feel your love for me, master, and it feels in no way subordinate to any other. I feel your love for her, and for others. I have no fear of sharing my primacy with Rachel. This will be a challenge for all three of us, but we want it, master. We all want it. The best thing you could do for me and for Rachel is to throw caution to the wind and carry forth with both of us. And with the rest of your relationships," she added encouragingly.

Feeling a bit exasperated, Alex chuckled at himself. He cuddled Lorelei close. "I have no clue how I'm going to handle all of this."