chapter 8
Chapter 8
The Hogwarts express pulled into Hogsmeade station, harry and Ron stepped on to the platform and straight into a sea of people. All jostling for space. "newbie, get the fuck over here." Harry heard a familiar voice shout. Harry walked as fast as he could toward the voice, pulling Ron with him. "hey Hagrid." Said harry slightly out of breath. Harry bent double and lay on the floor. Hagrid had had whacked him straight in the plums with the staff he was holding. "fucking hey me you little cunt." Growled Hagrid. Ron started laughing at harry and copped one in the nuts too. Both boys laying on the floor, crying and holding their bollocks. "fucking leave me lying in the street covered in my own piss, earhole full of shit and a rabbit balls deep in my nostril going ten to the fucking dozen. I can still smell that grassy spunk." Said Hagrid and he turned and started to walk away followed by all the newcomers who had to step over harry and Ron. They did get a very good idea which of the girls went commando, which was most of them, under their skirts as they passed over.
Eventually they managed to stagger up to the rest of the group as they were clambering into little boats beside an enormous lake. Hagrid was in the first boat, he was fishing a boy out of the water. "clumsy prick." They heard him say as he threw the boy into another boat. He landed on his head with a horrible crack. Harry and Ron climbed into the last boat just as Hagrid bellowed "FORWARD YA FUCKERS". The boats shot forward with surprising speed, harry flew back into Ron's lap. Nutting him right in his already painful bollocks. The boat ride was incredibly bouncy and wet, people were screaming and holding on for dear life. Hagrid could be heard laughing at the front. They approached the bank but they weren't slowing down. They just stopped and they were catapulted on to the bank. This time it was Ron's turn to land on Harrys knackers. Hagrid was proper belly laughing. "get the fuck up." He said between guffaws. "follow me yer fucking drips." Said Hagrid laughing even harder at his own joke.
Everybody trudged behind Hagrid up to the castle, soaking wet and miserable. Finally they made it. A huge set of oak doors before them. Hagrid hammered on the door with his huge fist. After a few moments, the doors opened. There was no one there. "what the fuck are you waiting for? Move your arses." Roared Hagrid as he pushed a few inside. As harry and Ron got through the doors it seemed to start raining. 'we're indoors' harry thought to himself. As one, it seemed, everyone looked up. It wasn't rain. A few of the girls screamed, a semi-transparent man was floating above them and he was pissing all over the newcomers. Most tried to get out the way of stream except one boy who stood there with his mouth open.
"peeves, will you please bugger off." Came a voice from the top of a set of stone steps. Professor McGonagall was pointing her wand at the floating man. "they're already wet." Was the high cackling reply. "PEEVES" shouted McGonagall. Peeves floated off laughing. She waved her wand and a stream of hot air wafted through the crowd, drying them all off. She started to make a small speech but harry and Ron weren't listening. They were too busy comparing the colour and swelling on their nut sacks. Suddenly the crowd started to follow McGonagall. They put their bollocks away and brought up the rear of the group as they entered the great hall. There was 4 long tables with people sat all around them. Each table had a different coloured banner denoting the house they belonged to. Scarlet and gold for Gryffindor. Green and silver for Slytherin. Blue and bronze for Ravenclaw. Yellow and black for Hufflepuff. There was also a small table tucked in the corner, this was for those who couldn't be housed. A special needs table. "I hope I don't get put with the dribblers." Ron whispered in Harrys ears. At the end of the hall sat the teachers.
"when your name is called you will step forward to be sorted. It works thus. You will step up to the lectern. Lift your skirt or drop your trousers and Professor Brinkley here will strike you once across the buttocks with the sorting paddle. The house you shout is the house you will join." Said McGonagall. Professor Brinkley stood by the side of the lectern holding a large wooden paddle with small metal studs on it. He had a smile on his face which showed that he was gonna enjoy what he was about to do.
One by one McGonagall called out the names. And one by one they dropped trowel and bent over the lectern. Within a second of Professor Brinkley bringing down the paddle across their bare arses a voice that was not their own bellowed the house they were to join. Some, harry included, had to be struck twice. The first time, the voice just shouted "again" as if the paddle couldn't make up its mind. It was a strange, not to mention painful, sensation. Having another voice leaving your mouth but harry eventually shouted "Gryffindor". He went to join his new housemates, sitting rather gingerly. Ron came to sit with him "he went too low. Caught me bollocks." Said Ron wincing as he sat down. They watched the last few get sorted, only one person joined the dribbler table. The lectern was taken away and the sorting paddle was put back in his box.
The wizard in the middle stood up and announced, "eat but I assure you, bad table manners will be punished harshly." Harry was amazed when the entire table filled with food. He and Ron dug in hungrily.