Chapter six

As Ma drags me towards Baba, I want to hope that he will apologise, however I know better. I love Baba, not because he is a lovable man, but because in him I see where I get many of my traits, like my stubbornness.

Soon we are in front of the hut, everyone greets Baba and enters, all except me. I look at my feet, refusing to lift my head, I hear him say, "woza siye emfuleni" (come, let's go to the river). He begins to walk and I walk beside him, we don't talk, just listen to the sounds of the wind blowing through the trees.

When we reach the river, he sits down and I sit down beside him. "You know when your mother was pregnant with you everyone thought you were going to be a boy....her stomach was so big and you were such an active baby, always moving around inside her". The story of my life, the son I never was, I roll my eyes "sorry to disappoint", I mumble. He chuckles begins to throw stones into the water "I was .... disappointed for a moment, when I heard you scream and I thought to myself that is my heir!, then they said you were a girl, my heart fell, but at least you and your mother were alive and healthy." I roll my eyes again, "When I saw you for the first time... you were so big, the first thing your mother said was that you looked just like me. When I held you to my chest, I knew..... you were just like me."

Baba never spoke to me in this manner. I looked at him, and noticed that he looked exhausted. Not knowing how to respond, I kept quiet as he continued. "Thandiwe, I know this will be hard for you to hear but you are not fighting next week. I have decided that you are not going to risk your life to prove a point, you will continue combat training as usual and have your nyanga training as scheduled."

"BABA!!", I cried out to him, hoping and praying he it was not true. "Baba Ngiyakucela!" ( Father! Please!). I get on my hands and knees kneeling before him, begging him not to do this. "Ngiyakucela Baba, don't do this to me. I won't die, I will beat him, I promise, please!"

He turns to look at me, "Thandiwe, you are asking me to sit and watch a man beat my daughter around, I cannot do that", "Baba , I am asking you to let me fight back!", "Thandiwe, ngeke ukwazi ( you won't be able to), your training was never so you could graduate and be a warrior! It was teaching you the basics of how to defend yourself. Your training is years behind what the warriors are doing. By wanting to graduate you are asking to be granted warrior status within the clan and they will not go easy on you just because you are my daughter." "Baba I can do this!" Tears are running down my face and I can think of what have I ever done to him to have him doubt me like this. He has never even seen me train, I don't understand.

"Did you know I could not get out of bed for a week after my fight, I barely won. I had been training with the man I fought against since we were five, it is brutal Thandiwe. There is a reason why we do not allow children and young women to watch the fights."

"Baba, why don't you trust me? Why can't you trust that I can win? Baba I am the daughter of a chief, your daughter! I can do anything and I want to do this! To be a warrior for my clan, to be able to defend myself and others is not a selfish request." At this point I'm shaking, I am so angry at him. He thinks I am weak because I am a girl, can't see how badly I want this. "Baba, please reconsider."

"Thandiwe you have never fought a man in a real fight, your instructor does not count. When a man wants to hurt you he will use all everthing to his advantage, size, speed and strength. You lack in all three areas, you will lose." "Then teach me, you can train me Baba, please, all I need is a chance.

He stands up to leave, "I have made my decision", he says softly and begins to walk away.

I can't take keep it in any longer, I howl out in frustration. I feel more tears slide down my face, I walk into the river and when I'm waist deep, I lie on my back.

As I drift away I feel the water in my ears, I feel the current pulling me away, I feel the tears that won't stop coming out of my eyes. The water cools me, drifting away doesn't seem like such a bad idea right now.

I seem to be floating through my life in anycase, it seems fitting, I have no control over myself and my being...and all because I was born a girl. The current pulls me further down stream, and as I try to stand, I am submerged before standing upright. The water stings my eyes and nose...it burns as I stand up straight and waddle out onto the shore. Self pity is unbecoming of me, it tastes bitter and I refuse to let it win. If Baba won't let me graduate on my own then I will graduate.... with the rest of this years warrior recruits.

I slowly walk back to our hut, I ma soaked from head to toe and I don't even care. The villagers look at me as though I am crazy but they know enough to hide it... perks of being Inkosazana. My village...mud huts in a semi-circle with Baba's cattle pen in the center, its not much but it is ours. Ours to protect and ours to preserved, how does Baba not see that I just want to help protect what is ours!

It is dark by the time I enter our hut. My skin is cold and clammy, I am physically and mentally exhausted. Ma just looks at me, she hands me a fur skin and my food, so I sit down next to the fire and eat. My brothers are playing in the outside and Sindiswa's phangela is missing. We sit in silence as I finish my food, I get up, wash my plate and lay my grass mat on the floor. Sindiswa comes in with the water and doesn't say anything. Soon Ma calls the boys in and everyone is lying on their grass mats.

I feel Sindiswa lie down next to me, " What did he say?", Sindiwa asks softly, "He says I'm not going to graduate to become a warrior", she gasps, I feel her move behind me, then her hand around my waist as she hugs me. She whispers "the warriors graduation is only three moons away..." I smile as I hold her arm tightly, and kiss her hand as I fall asleep.

During the night I am woken by the sound of people speaking inside our hut. In my sleepy state I don't recognise the voices immediately, I hear a soft voice say, "you know what she is like, she will do this with or without you and without you they will kill her", "she needs to learn to listen to reason she is not a child anymore!" I hear sobbing as I fall back to sleep.

"Thandiwe, Thandiwe vuka" (wake up). I'm shaken awake, when I open my eyes I see my father kneeling next to me. "Vuka, thatha izikhali zakho ungilandele ( wake up, go get your weapons and follow me). His words startle me to action, I get my spear and shield and follow him out, it's dawn and the air is so cold I can see every breathe I take.

As we walk further away from the village I notice Baba is carrying his own spear and shield, I start to get worried, "Baba, siyaphi? (Where are we going?). He doesn't reply even though I know heard me, as we continue walking my toes are freezing and I still can't see where we are. As the sun rises more I recognise this as the path to the fight pit, this is where the warriors fight.

Baba stops, "Are you sure you want to do this Thandiwe, after this you HAVE TO respect my decision as final no matter what that decision is!"

I walk past him, into the the fighting pit and jam my spear into the centre of the pit, I stand back waiting for him to enter the pit. The sun has just come up and I feel it's heat of my back...I have just challenged my father to a fight.