Chapter 8

It has been two days since Baba and I fought, yesterday I slept the whole day, and I am glad Ma let me. Today she insisted I get up and my body hurt so bad, I started to tear up. However, she did not show me mercy, instead she said, 'this is the price of being stubborn' and left me to feed myself. I guess I love pain since I got up slowly to go bathe in the river. The cool water did soothe my body a bit and helped numb some of the pain. I slowly walked back to the hut feeling a little better, and I lay down to sleep for the rest of the day.

I was woken up by the sound of howling, it sounded like it was a pack of wild dogs, whatever it was the border fires would keep them away. I move to sit up straight up, and I painfully cease the movement, groaning, I decide to move in turns and slowly as not to wake everyone up with my painful groans. It takes a while but eventually I am on my feet and thankfully the moon is still high in the sky, the moonlight is just enough so I can clearly see in the dark and slowly tip toe out of the hut. There is no breeze tonight, just the sound of the crickets and the river flowing. I sit right outside the hut just in case Ma wakes up. As I breathe in and out, tears start to run down my face again. I let them out, I feel humiliated and ashamed, although no one except Ma and Baba were supposed to know about the fight, I felt the looks and heard the villagers whispering. No doubt news got out; however, I doubt anything they are saying is accurate.

I guess the only thing that really matters is that Baba beat me, the stubborn daughter. I smile, some of the villagers particularly the older men and women do not like me as much as my siblings. Many have openly voiced their distaste and displeasure at my 'brazen disregard for some of our customs', not to mention the fact that I am approaching my twenty first year and still unmarried has them on edge. My smile widens, I will admit I have tested Baba on more than one occasion he deserves it though, most of my sisters are submissive and never questioned Baba's words and instructions. I wipe away my tears and slowly stand up to walk to the river.

I may be difficult, but I refuse to be a pushover, if Baba gives me his hand, I will take his entire arm. I feel a small ache in my head, suddenly, I hear someone behind me, I can hear their heels crunch from the sand beneath out feet. I turn around to find none other than Thembisile, with her baby on her back. " Nkosazana", she says, I do not reply immediately. It has been a while since I have seen her, she is thinner than I remember. I contemplate ignoring her presence, as I turn around, she speaks, "I do not want to get you into any trouble... I just wanted to say ngiyabonga (thank you) for everything." With that I hear her turn around and begin to walk away, I do not turn but I cannot stop myself from asking,"ninjani? (How are you doing?). I hear her stop,"Siyaphila (we are alive), she is turning two in a few months' time and getting heavier by the day." I breathe a sigh of relief, I sit down on the ground, facing the riverbank, I am forbidden from associating with her. If anyone even saw me talking to her and informed my father, I would be punished severely but cutting off my best friend is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I hear her struggle and then eventually sit down as well.

"Wena unjani? (And how are you?) I heard about your fight with uBabawakho (your father), I guess some things never change". "No and I never will", is my response as we sit in silence for a while, it reminds me of all times we used to sneak outside and watch the stars together. Before she fell in love, before we grew apart, before one mistake ruined everything. "What did you name her?", I was honestly curious, we did not have much of an opportunity to talk after she gave birth. "Igamalakhe (her name is) uThandeka", I smile at the name, it was her mother's name, "that is a beautiful and strong name, I just know she will be just as strong as her mother and her names sake."

We sit silently again, listening to the sound of the river flowing and wind gently blowing through the trees. " Every day I look at her, I realize how close I came to losing her, you saved me, after everything I said and did, you still came to my aid when I needed you most, ngiyaxolisa (I am sorry)", I could hear her sniffling and my own eyes were beginning to water. " You said many hurtful things and I was angry at you, but what they did to you and what you suffered was beyond cruel, uthando (love) is not worth it, I am just glad you are both alive today."

With that I slowly got up and walked away, I came out here to unwind but instead I found the past waiting for me in the dead of night. I would be lying if I did not admit that I missed Thembi, she and I were inseparable or so I thought. As I reach the riverbank, I cannot stop the bitterness that wraps itself around my chest. The year she found out she was pregnant was one of the worst years of my life. I thought I knew our customs and traditions; however, I was not ready for the harsh reality that unfolded that year:

I cannot even recall a childhood memory without her, we did everything together, she was the only child around my age that was not afraid of me. She is about a year older than me, regardless I have always been taller than her making everyone think we were the same age. Since we basically grew up together, we had always had similar interests, and ideas, we had different views on a few things but never enough to fracture or even break our bond. I will admit to being the more cynical one of us both and she has always been the optimistic one. I love her like a sister, always have and always will.

I started noticing a change in her behavior early that spring, she is always more sensitive around that time of year since that is around the time her father left and never came back. She was happier, I just thought she had finally gotten over him abandoning her, however it soon became clear that it was because of Mandla. Mandla has always been charming, to me he seemed about as charming as a snake, but to Thembi, he was...romantic? Almost overnight my best friend became distracted and less interested in spending time with me. Truthfully, I did not take it easy on her once I found out she was courting Mandla... unofficially of course. He had a ... reputation, and I knew she was bound to get hurt and I told her as much.

Sure, I could have been more careful in how I phrased my words, but I did not have time to waste. The morning of our biggest argument we were going to meet by the mielie fields since we had to help grind the mielies. We met as planned and ground almost half of the mielies, it felt like we were getting somewhere. Around midday she said she was going to collect some water and she never came back; I became worried and went looking for her. Eventually I found her, giggling under Mandla.

I was so angry I pulled him off her, I was began yelling "Hayibo! Hayibo! " She dragged me away and said it wasn't what it looked like. She looked ashamed for a moment then tried to explain,"Uthe uyangithanda" (he said he loves me), she was smiling from ear to ear. I rolled my eyes and said, "he is just using you, ufuna ucansi (he just wants sex), how can you not see that?". I was tired of trying to put it nicely, clearly, she did not understand it when I tried to imply this in our previous discussions.

As soon as the words left my mouth her face changed, she looked hurt, then frustrated "Ungenaphi vele! (How does any of this concern you again?), are you incapable of being happy for me?" I was speechless," Unomona ngoba awukazebe nendoda?! (are you jealous because you have never had a man?)", she continued, "abakusheli ngoba awuthandeki! (they do not flirt with you because they think you are incapable of love)". I cannot even try to describe how I felt when she said those words, instead of screaming and yelling at her I simply stood up straight and said, "for your sake, I hope I am wrong about him" and I walked away. We never spoke much after that, two moons later, and we still hadn't spoken to each other, but I had heard she got kicked out of home. When I asked Ma where she was staying Ma sighed and shrugged, I went looking for her since no one else seemed to care and I found her a couple of days later in a cave we used to visit when we were younger.

She had a blanket and a basket of food. When I saw her, I was so relieved, I could not stop the tears from flowing neither could she. I ran inside and held onto her,"ngikhulelwe (I am pregnant)", "ngiyazi (I know)", " uMandla ungiphikile (Mandla denied impregnating me)", when she said this, I was silent, she knew, and I knew I told her this would happen. "Ngiyaxolisa" (I am sorry), "Nami ngiyaxolisa" (I am also sorry". I held her tighter and then let her go, we sat in silence for a while and then I asked, "uzoyaphi? (where are you going to go?)", I asked her. "Angazi (I do not know), I was going to stay here until uMkhulu calms down then I can beg them to take me back." She looked defeated and exhausted, all could say is "nginawe"(I am with you) and then I told her to rest, that I would stay till sundown. By the time she woke up I had come up with a plan, I would come by every week with fresh food and clothes for her.... I also had a bone to pick with the 'love of her life'. I left her that evening and went back home.

I knew Mandla and the other warriors went hunting on specific days, so the next time they went hunting I ambushed him with my father's breaded whip. After he was bloodied and begging for mercy, I had a talk with him, after which he too went to see visit Thembi every week... in the cave. I guess seeing her like that tugged at his non-existent heart strings because he eventually began to build her a mud hut on a small piece of land, he bought for her and by the time she was in her last trimester, it was ready for her to live in. However, nearing the end of winter before we could move her in Mandla came to me running one cold evening and out of breath and looking scared. Thembi's water broke, and the baby was coming. I sent him to collect some items I would need, and I ran back to our hut to get some dried herbs. Before that evening I had only helped deliver babies but had never delivered myself.

From there Mandla and I ran all the way to the cave and only to find the sweating and pained sight of Thembi in labor. It was the beginning of a very long night.

Thembi lost a lot of blood.... I still do not know how they both survived but a little after midnight I held a little baby girl in my arms. Thembi had fainted, I am still not sure from whether it was from the blood loss or complete and utter exhaustion but, I became weary when her breathing became shallow. The sun had not even begun to rise when I told Mandla we were going back to the village, he would carry Thembi, and I would carry the baby. By the time we reached the village the sun had begun to rise, and he took her straight to the Nyanga's hut and I went to home with a new-born in my arms. Ma knew where I was going every time I left the village and had decided to turn a blind eye to it, however, Baba did not have a clue.

He had spent the night in our hut and was furious when he saw me walking into the hut with the baby. I did not even care, as soon as I sat down with the baby I started crying, she was so small, I could not believe she was alive. Ma tried to take her from me, but I would not let her, I was tired, but I refused to allow anyone else to hold her until Thembi woke up. Eventually, I did give Ma the baby when I could not keep my eyes open anymore, I made her promise not to let anyone touch her not even the Thembi's grandparents.

Thembi slept for six days before waking up, Inyanga said she was not as healthy as she should have been, so giving birth had taken more out of her. I had been visiting everyday with the little one, helping her nurse from her mother every couple of hours. When Thembi woke up, we were there, and I gave the baby to her, I left them there together and never looked back.

I begged Ma to allow Thembi to at least, work in the village and have the protection of being part of the village, I still do not know how she did it, but Baba obliged. It was not without a price though, I am forbidden to socialize with her, having had a baby out of wedlock she is seen to be a 'bad influence' and therefore, to be an outcast .... forever.

"Uthando (love)", I huff, what is it anyways. All I know is that in the name of love my friend and I got into the worst argument of our lives, I tried to make her see reason and instead ended up pushing her even further into his arms. I hate the helpless feeling I had when she became the talk of the village. I hate that my friend was exiled and disowned by her family, all because isithandwasakhe (her love) denied her. The only reason I even tolerate him now is because when she went into labor, he came to get me.

" Thandeka" as I say the name out loud, I remember holding her in my hands as she took her first breathe. I wipe a stray tear from my cheek, and breathe out, as I stop, I suddenly realize that I have been walking around aimlessly and I now find myself in front of our hut. I walk back inside, I wrap my arms around myself feeling numb and cold, as I lay down on my mat, I pray and drift into a dreamless slumber.