Chapter 11

Igazi, igazi eliningi kangaka! (Blood, so much blood). I am standing waist deep in the river, trying to wash my hands clean of the blood. The wind is blowing so viciously, that I feel myself swaying, struggling to stand steady in the rapids moving past me. I know better than to be standing in the middle of a river on such a windy day, but my mind seems to only be occupied by the sight of the blood on my hands.

My face is damp from tears, I cannot stop crying.... All I see is blood, and I just keep scrubbing. I suddenly feel someone's arms around me holding me upright. Pulling me out of the water and onto dry land. I am cold and wet but my body feels weightless and I can no longer feel my limbs, my vision gets blurred and I no longer hear the loud rustling of the trees, I cannot feel the cold breeze blowing past me; as I close my eyes in an attempt to regain my bearings, I hear wailing and then darkness...

It's all I can remember from the dream I woke up from this morning. Its bad enough I rarely have dreams but after everything Sindiswa told me, I fear it might not be coincidence. Not to mention the feeling of something like a rock sitting inside my chest, I don't know what it means but these dreams have to mean something. I sigh as I bring my focus back into the present.

Why did I want to become a healer again? I cannot help but wonder as I drink the bitter mixture the Nyanga has given me. It's dawn, and at sundown, I shall begin my final exam. The mixture is made of herbs that Nyanga says will cleanse my body and mind, it should help me focus.

We are at the top of the healers' hill, I hear the rushing waters of the river that separates the hill from the rest of the village, with another healer's hut is down below. Although there is a healers hut in the village, the people who are really sick are cared for far outside the village and the healers hill is where the healers plant the herbs that aren't native to our region, and where healers are initiated. I will be sleeping in a separate hut away from my family until my exam and initiation are completed. My family may visit me but I cannot visit them.

I feel the heat of the morning sun begin to warm the air around me, I try to concentrate on finishing the drink, as not to vomit before I drink it all. The Nyanga is dancing next to me, singing and clapping her hands, her feet move to the beat only she can hear, giving me courage to finish.

The cleansing ritual is the test before the test, it is said that to truly help those who are suffering, we must first look within and heal that which needs healing within. My ability to keep down this vile substance will determine whether I am worthy to continue with the next test...

I hold my breath as the last of the mixture enters my mouth. Ungaphalazi (do not vomit), I repeat to myself, until I can no longer hold my breath and then I gulp the last of the liquid and hold my breathe again. I breathe out slowly through my nose and fall to my knees on the cold, dew covered grass. I put down the calabash and closing my eyes, I begin to feel my body tingling from the effort I just exuded downing th mixture. Slowly I begin to sway to the rhythm of the song the Nyanga is dancing to. I hear her dancing around me as if in a trance, but I dare not open my eyes in fear, of vomiting too soon and although the bitter taste still lingers in my mouth, my stomach is just beginning to settle. This continues for awhile, I continue to take deep breathes in and out listening to voice, echo around us.

While I sway, I actually listen to the song she is singing. It sounds like praise songs to uNkulunkulu(God), giving thanks for the gift of healing and provision of herbs to heal. She repeats it as if it were a prayer and soon I join her, clapping to the rhythm of the song, my shoulders rise and fall in sync and softly sing along with her.

Eventually, I feel her hand on my shoulder as she stills my movements. I open my eyes to find her kneeling in front of me, with one hand on my shoulder and the other carrying a bowl of red clay. She gives it to me to hold and then curls her fingers into the clay, scooping up a handful she says, "vala amehlo" (close your eyes), I do as she instructs me and I soon feel her paint the clay on my face. As she paints my face from top to bottom, she prays for me, asking for strength and guidance and for favour for the coming day. Once she is done, she helps me up and I begin to dance with her, I mirror her movements and soon feel the rhythm of the beat she is dancing to.

A cool breeze begins to blow, I can smell the dampness in the air, the spring rains will soon be upon us. The sun is high in the sky when I stop, the dancing is beginning to make me feel dizzy and even though my body has stopped, my head has not caught up. I feel the familiar urge to throw up. I run to the nearest tree and just in time and vomit.

Thankfully I don't vomit for long and all that's left is the bitter taste in my mouth when I feel the Nyanga's hand on my back, attempting to sooth me. She hands me some water which I gladly take, first rinsing out my mouth and then drinking the rest. I hear her say "Very good", even if I don't feel good, at least I passed the test.

I let her guide me back to my temporary abode, there isn't much inside just my sleeping mat, my clay bowls for mixing herbs and enough food to last me for today and tomorrow. Since today is the 'big day' I have been excused from all chores and duties until my exam is finished. She leaves me instructing me that she would come and get me for my first test in the afternoon and then she leaves. I decide to lie down and rest since I didn't sleep very well last night.

It feels like I just closed my eyes when I'm woken up by what sounds like Sindiswa and my brothers arguing outside the hut. I cannot help but smile, from the lighting I can tell it's almost midday and they know they should not be here.

"Nenzani la?"(What are you doing here?), I ask no one in particular. As soon as I speak up Sindiswa comes in and embraces me in a tight hug, " Sikukumbulile" (We missed you). I hug her back shaking my head, I left well before anyone was awake this morning.

Seemingly they brought me more fruits that they picked this morning. I see a few mangos, guavas and lemons.

I kiss each of them on the forehead, it is rare for my brothers to even remember to share so I feel honoured they brought me anything. I hear singing outside and I give Sindiswa a suspicious look, she shrugs and whispers, "bakulindilie"(they are waiting for you). At this I quickly get up from the mat, and take a fur skin to wrap around my arms. Sindiswa grabs my hand, interlocking our fingers as we walk out, the sun is bright, almost at its peak but the sky isn't clear, more grey clouds than yesterday.

My brothers are already outside, sitting around a camp fire are my parents, grandparents and even Thembisile is in the outer circle.

When I come into view, my mothers start ululating and dancing around me, all of them hug me at once. I am so stunned that I stand still, unable to move. They don't seem to mind though as they hold hands, singing and dancing around me. I smile awkwardly and thank each of them with a slight bow.

My sister's were next hugging me and singing. We stand in a line and perform our customary dance, well they try as best as they can while pregnant and at this I smile and laugh even more and I hug each one. I feel their love and pride in me, I'm overjoyed.

When I finally leave my sisters, I see uBaba noMkhulu (my father and my grandfathers') sitting in under the tree, roasting meat over the fire and putting the finished meat on izithebe (wooden platters). UBaba must have come back today.

As I walk towards them I hear uMkhulu say "Uzokuzonda, unenkani yakho"(She will hate you, she has your stubbornness), I quietly come closer with the intention of greeting them. Baba sighs and then responds, "Uzophila"(she will live), after which they seem to sense my presence and immediately turn towards me.

I am surprised to see my grandparents from my mother's side, they live half a day's walk away. Because they live so far away we rarely get to visit them, uBaba checks on them whenever he leaves the village but it is not the same as seeing them.

The men did not stand to greet me and I did not expect them to. I walked up to them, I kneel down, with my eyes looking in each persons direction and giving a small bow, careful not to look any of them in the eye.

"Sanibonani "(Greetings), "Yebo Ntombi, unjani?" (Yes, girl how are you?), I tell them I am well and they respond in kind.

"Yebo, usukulakho namhlanje"( Yes, today is your big day), my grandfathers' simply looked down at me and then nodded, "Ngiyanibonga ngokuthi nize nizothokoza nami namhlanje" ( I thank you for coming to celebrate this day with me). Baba simply looks at me and gives me a small smile, "ngiyaziqenya ngawe ndodakazi," (I am proud of you my daughter),

I slightly bowed in gratitude and then get up and walk towards uKhulu (Grandmother). I did not trust my voice to speak, my father, was proud of me?! I couldn't believe it, Baba publicly showing acknowledging me and praising me for something I haven't even accomplished yet, I felt a tear of joy slide down my face.

As I apprach my grandmothers, I quickly wipe the tear from my face. Ukhulu (father's mother) did not stand up but opened her arms wide and I stepped forward accepting her embrace. She held me tight and then held me by my shoulders to look at me, "I just want to memorize your face today before you become tainted forever." My mothers laugh and I feel my cheeks begin to heat up, while trying to hide my smile.

"Kodwa yini MaKhoza awuyeke ingane ijabule ngokuthula" (What is wrong with you MaKhoza! Just let the child enjoy today in peace), before I am able to get back up I am pulled into the arms of my other gran, as I fall into her embrace, I am so grateful they were able to make the trip. I hug her back tightly, attempting to convey how much I missed her, "Oh ngane ye nganyeyami (Child of my child), we would never miss such a special occasion."

I smile and laugh at my grandmother's bickering. They too are quite different from each other, but both love us very much.

I step away from my grandmothers and walk as if going behind the hut, into the shadow. There I see Thembisile with Thandeka on her back, wrapped in a fur skin. She has taken a risk following my family up here, she is supposes to be working, but I am glad to see her, I barely greet her before I feel her grabbing my shoulders into an embrace. She quietly chants my clan names as she lets go of me and she places a small cloth in my hands, inside are wild plums and berries that grow close to the cave where she gave birth and satchel woven with beads. She kisses my hands, as she prays a blessing over me, at this I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes begin to burn as tears threaten to fall.

I am speechless. Thembi has been through so much and yet she came to see me today of all days, I look into her eyes, and I see her. She looks tired and thinner, but she is still there, my best friend and I give her a sad smile as the tears fall from my eyes, I thank her and kiss her and Thandeka on their foreheads, "wait here" I tell her.

I quickly leave her gifts in my hut and join my family taking some vegetables and meat from the platters in my hands into a cloth, ensuring no one sees I quickly give them to her. I tell her to take it and enjoy, embracing her one last time and then she turns, slowly making her way back to the village.

I walk back and sit by my sisters, who are eating and laughing. I take a few pieces of meat from isithebe and begin to eat, my sisters continue to laugh as Sindiswa retells an animated version of the time we tried to ride horeses. I look around and feel happy and sad in another place and in another time, Thembi would be sitting right beside me enjoying this gathering as part of my family. It pains me to know that this is how it has to be ... for now.

However, today is the start of a new path for me to follow and make into my own. I am pulled to my feet by uSindiswa, we dance and sing to the rhythm of the our mothers songs while my brothers run back and forth getting meat from the men and serving it to us. My mothers, grandmother and sisters sing and clap along with us, I look at my mother's face and all I see is pride. I am overwhelmed and filled with gratitude, today I feel as though I am truely part of the family.

It is passed midday when Inyanga comes to take me away. It's time.

My family is already packing up, the boys carry all the leftover food down the hill and uMa gives me one final embrace. She holds my face in her hands and kisses my forehead, I embrace her even tighter, vowing not to disappoint her. The others shout their goodbyes on their way back to the village and I smile shouting back.

Before I turn towards Inyanga, I see uBaba look at me. I smile and put my hands together l, bowing in his direction, I really am thankful for today. He smiles back but the smile doesn't reach his eyes.

Before I can read anymore into this, I feel Inyanga take my hand and lead me away from the hut. We walk downstream, and cross the river close to the healers hut. Once out of the river, Inyanga turns back to look at me, staring into my eyes like last time. But this time I don't look away, I am ready.

"Remember what I told you," that's all she says before leading me into the hut, it takes a minute for my eyes to adjust but once I can see, I look at her confused. There's only one patient in here.

I look at Inyanga and her face tells me not to ask, she tells me to go to him and figure out why he is sick. That's my first test.

So I walk towards the man, I kneel next to him and now that I am closer he looks strange, his hair is... straight, both on his head and on his face and his skin is dark like mine but different. His eyes are closed, he is sweating profusely and clearly sick. But all I can think of is how strange he looks.

"Ubani?" (Who is he?) I ask Inyanga, she doesn't even hesitate to answer. "Your future husband."

In an instant, the heaviness returns to my chest, only this time the rock has became a boulder sitting in my chest, weighing me down, making it hard for me to breathe.

I can't breathe!