Episode 38 - The Reality of Love

After that night in the karaoke, Yangyang spent the next few weeks on edge. Amari couldn't blame him. He had spent years trying to come to terms with his life. While it was a relief to let everything go, dumping all of that on someone who cared for him was a cruel thing to do.

Since it was clear the man was shaken by his past, and by the negative reactions to his attempts at intimacy, Amari spent every moment they had together reassuring him that he was trusted. Instead of Yangyang being overly clingy, he frequently initiated contact. It felt strange, and it wasn't something he had ever done before - or even ever wanted to do - but it was necessary. By the end of January, after a lot of careful effort, Yangyang seemed to be back to his childish self, no longer timid and awkward when they were together.

All of the time spent mending his relationship was less time spent at home or at work, leaving an already lonely Ziggy to become a solitary and dejected one. As always, most of it was his friend creating drama, but that didn't mean he wasn't hurt when Amari was gone. On top of the boy's absence, their long-term guest hadn't been seen in weeks, and this time he had taken many of his personal items with him.

"Rehearsal again, hein?" Ziggy sat on the arm of the couch as Amari collected his things, stuffing them into the pockets of his coat. His friend's normally cheerful tone was sullen, and he sighed, turning to face the man.

"What happened?" he asked, already knowing the answer would have something to do with Nicky.

Ziggy stood and Amari heard him sniff, then whimper. Opening his arms, the lanky body rushed into them, squeezing his waist and pressing his face into the boy's shoulder. Amari rubbed his back and the whimpering turned to tears, then the tears to sobs.

As the man cried, blubbering about Nicky and his many faults, about how much he loved him and how the man only used him, and finally about how wonderful the man was and how he didn't want to lose him again, Amari wondered if this was the reality of love. It was a selfish thing to think when he should be comforting his friend, but this wasn't the first time Ziggy had been in his arms, wet-eyed and snot-covered, complaining about his tragic love story.

Of course Yangyang wasn't Nicky, but in truth, Amari didn't really know who Yangyang was. He had opened up and had very few secrets left, but what had Yangyang really said about himself? How could he feel so attached or get so emotional over a man he barely knew? Could he handle it if this scene was reversed and he was the idiot weeping uncontrollably in Ziggy's arms?

When the sobbing returned to whimpers, Amari pried his friend from his waist and sat him down in the kitchen. Without saying a word, he fixed a cup of tea, placing the warm mug on the table. Ziggy sipped, then exhaled, his crying finished, and the boy pulled out a chair to sit next to him.

"Zig." He was tired of having the same conversation over and over. "You already know how I feel about this, so I'm not gonna say a lot. I know you love that man, or think you do, but he doesn't love you. Someone who really loves you wouldn't treat you like this."

He straightened in his seat and sighed, wishing his friend would snap out of this love-struck stupor and see Nicky for who he really was - a greedy fucking asshole who thought he was entitled to everything he wanted, and using Ziggy's emotional innocence to get it.

"I can't be sympathetic anymore. You're my family and that man's just using you to get what he can't get at home. It's fucking disgusting. As someone who actually loves you, it pisses me off every time he leaves. You know you'll be hurt, but you just take him back anyway."

Ziggy put down his mug and sighed. "Mon chéri, laisse faire, hein? Just let it go. I know what I am doing. I just get emotional sometimes. You are saying what you think is best, but let it go. You don't understand his situation. It is difficult for him too, tsé? Don't get mad, hein?"

Standing from his chair, Amari shook his head. He had tried to convince Ziggy multiple times, but he knew he wouldn't get through to him. This was something the man had to figure out on his own.

"You know me Zig. You can't stop me from saying what's on my mind. As long as he keeps hurting you, I'll keep being angry about it. But, you're a grown man, and I can't stop you." He walked to the door and swung his guitar onto his back. "I'm leaving. I'll be home before you, but I probably won't wait up."

He stepped out into the stairwell, shutting the door hard behind him, then pulled out his phone, calling for a cab to take him to the studio. Crowds of people on a subway car would only irritate him more, and he needed the quiet to calm down and forget about Nicky. He also felt a little sorry, since he was the first person to leave Ziggy, too consumed with his own relationship to care about his friend's.

Not wanting to wait outside in the winter wind, he sat at the bottom of the stairs, taking deep breaths and thinking happy thoughts, all of which seemed to involve Yangyang. He sighed, resting his head on his knees, wondering again if he would end up like Ziggy - not enough to satisfy his partner, but too obsessed to let him go.

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"It's Lili!" Yinyi rushed to the doorway, giving him a large hug, then dragged him into the studio. Amari nodded hello to the other two members and leaned his guitar case against the wall.

"Xiǎo Yang will be a little late today, but he should be here soon."

"That's okay," he said with a small smile. He had released most of his frustrations in the cab and was feeling better. "What're you working on today?"

"Just running through some old songs." Yinyi sat and started tuning her guitar. "We've all been so busy, we don't really have time for gigs. Seems silly, doesn't it? We made that big comeback, played a few shows, and then just disappeared again." She laughed. "Ah, well. We're all just doing it for fun now anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter."

Amari nodded and sat on a chair in the corner, slouching down to relax. This was the third practice he had been to and he felt mostly comfortable with everyone now. He listened when they played their own music, not wanting to be a burden, and afterward they would fool around. Part of him enjoyed it, but he was really just there to spend more time with Yangyang and to keep Yinyi from pestering him.

"Since we can't rehearse without Xiǎo Yang, is there anything you want to play?" A few chords rang out as she tested her tuning.

"I'd like to sing Going with You. Joshua Radin?" Amari grabbed his guitar out of its case, turning the pegs. "I can play, but maybe you could clap and come in later with something on the drums?"

"We can do that. Bowen is great at improv."

The drummer grunted in agreement, and Amari smiled and nodded his thanks, picking a few bars so Yinyi could get the beat.

Yet again, he was singing an upbeat song about being together, washing out the remaining doubt left from his conversation with Ziggy. The two relationships weren't similar at all. There was no need to rush this, and Amari trusted he could go wherever Yangyang needed him. And he was sure if he just kept singing about it, he could actually convince himself that was true.

Yangyang stuck his head through a crack in the door and Amari smiled, watching his shadowy figure move into the room as he sang. The man sat in front of him, leaning back to watch the show.

Despite the many things he didn't know about him, he certainly wasn't Nicky. He didn't need to know his past to know him as a person. It didn't dispel all doubts, but it was strong enough to push them away for now.

When the song finished, the man gave him a hoot and some enthusiastic applause. Amari just rolled his eyes and leaned down to set his guitar on the floor. As soon as he stood, arms grabbed him from behind, squeezing tight, and he tapped them to release so he could turn. Yangyang gave him a soft kiss, the man's arms now around his waist.

"Glad I was late. I got a private performance."

"Yeah, yeah," said Yinyi, waving them apart. "I'm glad you're happy, but we all have places to be after this. Save it for later."

Yangyang groaned but let go, grabbing his guitar, and Amari shuffled back to the corner to listen. A little over an hour later, the man joined him, sweaty and tired.

"I think I like guitar best," he said absentmindedly, the music still ringing in his ears. "You're good at everything, but there's something special when you play like you did tonight."

Yangyang shifted and rested his back against Amari. "Let me sit here for a minute and then we'll go."

The boy nodded and Yangyang stayed still as his bandmates shuffled around, getting ready to leave.

"Sorry, Xiǎo Li." As the others said their goodbyes and headed out, Yinyi paused next to them. "You didn't really get to play tonight."

Amari shook his head and smiled. "I like listening. Who doesn't like a free show?"

She giggled, then kicked her brother. "Wei, qǐlái. Come chat with me for a second."

The response was another groan, but he obeyed, patting Amari on the shoulder before walking out with her. After a minute, raised voices drifted in from the hallway.

::This's a really bad habit,:: he thought, but shifted closer to the door anyway.

"Xiǎo Li loves you," he heard Yinyi say in frustration. "He won't say it first, but you know how serious he is."

"What do you really want to say?" Yangyang was clearly angry and Amari wondered what the start of the conversation had been like.

"When are you going to do something about this?" She was trying not to yell, but Yinyi was just as angry as her brother now. "You need to decide what this is to you, and either commit, or let him go."

"Why does everyone keep saying that to me? Do I not seem committed? Does it seem like I'm just playing around?"

"So he knows then? You've told him everything?" Her tone showed she already knew the answer, the question asked just to make a point. Yangyang didn't respond. "Exactly. This only ends two ways. Make a choice."