Episode 58 - Things to Say

Shuffling, followed by a faint shutter sound woke Amari, and he groaned as he squinted into the room. A tall figure stood over him, and when he opened his eyes wider, the figure chuckled.

"Did you have a good nap?" it asked, the deep voice soft and playful.

Amari put a finger to his lips, hoping he wouldn't wake Taitai who still slept peacefully, spread out on his chest and stomach. His back was aching from laying in one position for so long, the heavy weight on top of him pushing him into the mattress.

"How long was I asleep?" he asked in a whisper.

"Over an hour." Yangyang carefully lifted the child into his arms and Amari scratched at his head, then sat and stretched his sore muscles.

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were too adorable." Yangyang chuckled again and Amari heard Taitai moan, shifting around in the man's arms. "Are you awake?" There was only a small groan in response. "You're going back to sleep? But I thought you wanted to go to the park today?"

"Huh?" asked Taitai, waking up a little. "You don't hafta work?"

"Nope." Yangyang's voice was sweet and cheerful. "Ba changed his schedule, so now I'm free every Monday."

Taitai gasped, fully awake now. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he replied, setting the child down on the floor. "So let's go wake up and get changed, alright?"

Crying out a short "Ēn," Taitai hurried out of the room and the man walked over to Amari, bending down to give him a quick kiss.

"You too."

Amari shooed him away and rubbed his eyes, stretching some more.

It only took a short time for Taitai to return to a bundle of energy, excited to be going out to play. Amari hesitated in the hallway, watching the blurry figures at the front door and smiling at the normalcy of it.

"Why are you looking at us like that?" Yangyang asked, lifting his son into his arms.

He just shook his head, too timid to say something like that out loud.

"Alright... Well, are you coming?"

Amari scratched his head and yawned. "I'm not a child, and I need a few more minutes to wake up. You go. I'll meet you."

"Alright." The bouncing Taitai in the man's arms stopped him from asking any more questions. "We'll be at the playground. You know where that is, yeah?"

"Yeah." He gave them a little wave. "I'll be out soon."

The figure disappeared through the doorway, the door shutting behind him. After giving them time to get down the stairs, Amari moved into the kitchen. Yangyang's mother was rummaging around, but it didn't seem like she was cooking. He guessed she was just trying to keep herself busy so she didn't have to interact with her son, and he let out a loud sigh to get her attention.

"Oh, Xiao Li," she said, stopping whatever she was doing. "Did you need something?"

"Āyí, can we talk a minute?" He gestured toward the dining table and the two sat down next to each other. After a few seconds of silence, he took a breath. "I shouldn't do this, it isn't my business, but it's bothering me, and I've never been good at keeping my mouth shut."

He pulled out his phone and navigated to a video Ziggy had sent him.

"I had an abusive father." He heard the woman shift uncomfortably beside him, but she didn't say anything. It obviously wasn't the proper way to start a conversation, but he didn't care.

"After my mom died, he had to take a job he hated to support me, and I became just a burden to him. He'd come home drunk and angry almost every night, and take his frustrations out on me."

Amari picked at his thumbnail nervously. "My grandmother tried to take care of me, but he was her son, and she couldn't really stop it. I said before that I had lost him, but actually, when I was fourteen, he threw me across the room into the kitchen counter and I ended up in the hospital." He pointed toward his face. "That's how my eyesight was damaged, and he went to prison."

"This's an extreme example, I know, and Yangyang could never be that kinda parent. I grew up without any love from my father, and he loves Taitai more than anything."

Amari pulled the video up on the screen and set the phone in front of the woman. "But, he'll never be the best father if he's unhappy. He's missing something, and that's not gonna go away. No matter how much he loves his son or wants to please the people in his life."

He tapped the table next to the phone.

"I had a friend record our stage last night, and I hope you'll watch it. Yangyang's already a beautiful person, but he's something else when he makes music. Something incredible. Honestly, listening to him play the guitar's one of the few times I'm genuinely sad I can't see."

Amari shifted his chair back and stood, leaving the phone with her. He hoped she really was oblivious to their relationship. He didn't hide his feelings in that speech, and he was sure the way Yangyang looked at him in that video wasn't subtle, but it was a chance he thought he should take. It frustrated him that this woman could scold her son for having a life she knew nothing about - for doing something she had never even bothered to watch.

"Anyway, I just wanted you to see your son doing what he loves. I don't think you ever have. You can play it or not. I'll leave the phone with you."

He gave the woman a bow and headed to the door. As he put his shoes on, he heard Yangyang's voice behind him and smiled.

'So, before we start, I actually wanted to introduce someone to you. Taitai, do you want to come out here with me?'

He tied his shoelaces and grabbed his coat.

'I've never brought my son to a show before, but someone recently told me that if I was his father, he would want to see me doing what makes me happy. Simple words, but they really hit me.'

Amari sighed as he walked out the door, the voice from the video out of earshot.

::Baby steps,:: he thought, hurrying down the stairs.

The air was still a little chilly, but the sun was warm on his face. A normal spring day in New York. He closed his eyes to adjust to the light and rushed across the road to the park. Opening them again as he hit the sidewalk, he tried to remember which part of the park was in front of Yangyang's house, and from there, how to get to the playground.

He wandered through the open blur until he could make out a tall jumble of objects, then heard children's voices giggling and screaming. Approaching the edge of the area, he let a warm smile spread across his face, standing and listening to the sounds of innocent joy.

"What's that smile for?" Yangyang's arm hung comfortably off his shoulder.

He shrugged. "It's a great sound. Children playing."

"Yeah." There was sorrow in his voice, so Amari reached out and rubbed his back, and the man sighed. "I really don't know what to do. Maybe I should just give in and get a normal job. For Taitai, and for ma."

Amari punched Yangyang hard in the side and he groaned. "What the hell was that for?"

"Stop talking shit." He frowned at the thought of him giving up. "You being miserable isn't good for anyone, especially your son. Your mother doesn't understand now, but that doesn't mean she never will. You just keep having the same arguments over and over. Nothing'll change that way."

"And what does my wise A Li think I should do?"

He shrugged again. "No idea, but I'm gonna be optimistic. We'll figure it out."

Yangyang laughed and removed his arm, patting the boy on the shoulder. "Alright then, you do that. Your solution to everything." He said it jokingly, but Amari knew he was upset at the situation.

"Are you mad?"

"I'm not mad." There was a pause, then a long sigh. "I'm frustrated, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm stuck in one place, and I don't know how to move on without making everything worse."

Amari squeezed the man's arm, the only thing he could do right now to comfort him. "Sorry. I'm not good at this." He couldn't hide the guilt in his voice. This was all new to him and he didn't know what to do either. "I said we'd do it together, but honestly, I've always lived my life one day at a time. My future was getting to tomorrow, and I kinda just... existed. No purpose, no goal. Just drifting around."

Yangyang rested an arm back on his shoulder and he was happy to have the physical contact as he continued.

"Now I know what I want, but I've got no idea how to get it, so all I can do is believe I'll figure it out."

"We'll figure it out." Amari giggled at the correction and punched Yangyang in the side again, but the man only laughed. "A Li, you know... You have so much to say now. So talkative. I guess my first impression of you was right."

"I know... It's fucking annoying. How'd this even happen to me? My image is ruined."

Yangyang laughed some more and Amari smiled, hoping that they really would figure everything out, and that this man next to him would keep laughing like this forever.