Episode 65 - Why Did You Leave?

As quietly as possible, Amari crept down the hallway back to his bedroom. As he reached for the door, he heard a groan, then a confused "A Li?" followed by a more frantic "A Li!" He rushed through the door and stumbled onto the bed, crawling up next to Yangyang. Arms quickly encircled him, squeezing his chest tight.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." He rubbed Yangyang's back softly to comfort him. "I was hoping you wouldn't wake up yet. I knew you'd panic, but my bladder was about to explode."

Yangyang just grunted and fell back down onto the mattress, Amari still in his grasp. They laid together for a few minutes, neither moving, until Amari lightly tapped Yangyang in the side.

"Yang ge, I'd like to stay this way all morning, but... don't you need to call work?"

There was a second grunt, but he didn't move.

"Want me to do it?"

A third grunt in response.

"Where's your phone?"

Yangyang fumbled around in a pocket and pulled it out, unlocking it and setting it into Amari's hand.

"What's it listed under?"

He barely made out a grumbled "Black Rose" and smiled as the phone began to ring.

::So childish.::

"Black Rose Guitars." The voice on the other end was unexpectedly young and feminine, and much too bright for this time of morning.

"Hello? I'm a friend of Li Yangyi. I wanted to let you know he won't be able to come to work today."

"Oh? Is he ill?"

"Yeah, sorry. He's got a pretty bad fever and is in bed, so I told him I'd call."

"Alright. Thanks for letting me know. I hope he feels better soon!"

"Thanks."

The phone beeped as the call disconnected and he reached down to return it to Yangyang's pocket. Instead, with a deep growl, he was pulled closer, forcing him to drop the phone onto the bed. He gave Yangyang a light kiss on the neck and sighed.

"I knew Yang ge was gonna be upset, but I didn't wanna scar him for life."

Yangyang brought his legs up further, and Amari curled in, nestling against the large, warm body. Silence returned to the room for a few minutes, then Yangyang took an uncertain breath.

"Why did you leave?" he asked, softly mumbling the words as if he wished they wouldn't be heard. "Because of Taitai? Because he ran into the street?"

Yangyang's body was tense and Amari did his best to stay calm. One of them had to be, and he had been running through this day in his mind for over a month. And when Yangyang's message came through and his only reaction was a piercing sadness, he knew he no longer feared this. He couldn't stop the fluttering in his stomach, but he was ready.

"Because I let go of his hand, and then I couldn't see to find him again." He shifted to his back, still in Yangyang's embrace, and stared into the blackness of the ceiling. "That's why I ran away. I might be able to be blind, and I might be able to take care of a kid, but I wasn't ready to do both at the same time."

Yangyang placed a large hand on his chest. "But you have me."

With a light sigh, he put his own hand over the back of Yangyang's.

"And that's why I couldn't come back." He felt the fingers under his twitch and he rolled onto his side again, their faces close. "I realized I was completely useless. I'd already been thinking it, but that's when it really sank in."

Yangyang took a breath to speak.

"Wait. Lemme finish." He took the warm hand, still pressed against his chest. "I had no job, no real skills, no money, no future... I literally only had a handful of black clothes, two old, beat up guitars, and a few friends. I didn't even have my sight.

"Instead of freeloading off Ziggy, I started freeloading off you. I'd never accomplished anything in my life. I just drifted around, moving on when it got hard, or when I felt like a burden."

Yangyang kissed him gently on the forehead. "You didn't have to leave us all behind for that. We could have helped you."

"No." He knew it was difficult to understand. He wasn't even sure he fully understood. "I wasn't just a burden to you, I was a burden to myself. I hated myself. If I could become a better person, without anyone's help, then we'd be equal. Then, maybe, I might deserve this."

He felt for Yangyang's face with his fingers, tracing his brow, then the smooth skin down his cheek to his jaw. "I also knew, man or woman, your ma wouldn't accept me as your partner like that."

Yangyang buried his face in the curve of Amari's neck and he sighed, the ever-growing guilt rising as a knot in his chest and throat.

"Jesus... I wish you'd beaten me. How can you love me like this?" His fingertips ran through Yangyang's smooth hair. This wasn't at all what he had expected, or prepared for, and he wasn't sure how to handle it. "It was horrible to just leave you, and you really shouldn't take me back this easily."

"Do you want me to be angry and yell?" asked Yangyang, his voice muffled against Amari's shoulder. Hearing a small, confirming hum, he spit a bitter laugh out in return. "Tough shit. You're going to have to deal with this clingy, traumatized version of me instead. You did this, so this is what you deserve."

Amari kissed the top of his head. "You're right." While this wasn't what he thought he would return home to, he was ready to accept it.

There were a few moments of silence, then Yangyang slid back. The room was still dark with the blackout curtains, but Amari guessed at this point his eyes had adjusted enough to see.

"What?"

"The new piercing, the hair, the chain earring, the rings and bracelets..." His fingertips gently touched all of the new things he saw. "And the t-shirt and parka."

Amari gave him a playful half-grin. "Practice?" It wasn't an appropriate response, but he didn't want to give the long explanation yet. He had prepared for that too, and it couldn't happen here, like this. "Plus, Bobbie told me if I was gonna sing at her open mic night, I had to 'look like a proper human being, and not an emo teen.'"

He attempted to imitate the woman's British accent and Yangyang snorted. Amari had always imagined he was the type of person who couldn't laugh without smiling, so at least he had brightened whatever weary or confused expression he probably wore before.

"Yeah, sorry. My British isn't very good." He played with Yangyang's back, outlining the muscles through his t-shirt, then cleared his throat. "Taitai?" he asked timidly. "Does he hate me?"

"Of course not." Rolling onto his back, Yangyang pulled Amari's head to his shoulder. "I told him you had some things to do and would be back soon. He's six, so he doesn't really understand time."

Yangyang paused, taking a sharp breath through his nose, his grip tightening for a moment. "Ah, yeah... You missed his birthday. And I missed yours."

"Sorry..." Shame was heavy in Amari's voice, the need to suppress those negative feelings no longer controlling him. "To Taitai. I never celebrate my birthday, so I don't usually remember."

"Well, that will have to change." A hand rubbed back and forth over his short mohawk, Yangyang's habit of petting him absentmindedly returning. "He missed you, but I think he was more confused over why I was such a wreck. It's hard to explain your secret, gay relationship troubles to a six-year-old."

They laid in silence for countless minutes, neither sure how to continue after that, until Yangyang finally exhaled out his uncertainties and coolly said, "Alright, I think I'm ready for this perfectly reasonable explanation of why you disappeared for three months."

"Okay." Without hesitation, Amari pushed himself up and scratched at his head. "Lemme just put some clothes on..."

"Yeah? Do you know how many times we've seen you wander around here in just your briefs?"

He frowned and glared at Yangyang. "I'm trying to be an adult, and adults dress themselves."

"Ah. Did you learn that while you were gone?" The tone was mocking, but Amari gave a calm and serious "Yeah" in return and Yangyang laughed. It was deep and genuine, and Amari's frown lifted into a smile.

Going to his closet, he grabbed a pair of jeans and simple black t-shirt, quickly pulling them on. "I forgot I left my suitcase in the entryway, so you get black today."

"Let's take it one change at a time, yeah?"

An arm wrapped around his shoulders and a flood of familiar and comforting emotions washed over him - feelings he had missed more than he could say. He nodded and his cheeks warmed, and Yangyang walked him out, leading him down the hall to the kitchen. Surprisingly, the arm lifted as Ziggy rushed over to hug him. After multiple kisses on both cheeks, he waved his friend away.

"Okay, okay, enough." Taking a seat at the kitchen table, he stretched his arms up above his head and arched his back until it cracked. "Coffee?"

There was a laugh and within moments, a steaming mug was set in front of him. "It's like you never left, hein?"

Amari flashed him a wide, exaggerated grin, teeth exposed, and Ziggy shifted back.

"Ah, well, maybe that's different."

After taking a few sips, exhaling in dramatic satisfaction, he motioned for Yangyang to sit next to him. Instead, he was pulled up by the arm, Yangyang sitting in his chair and moving him onto his lap.

"Uh, Yang ge... I don't know if these chairs can handle both of us."

Arms circled his waist. "I think I told you this is what you get." Yangyang leaned his head down to rest on Amari's shoulder.

"Okay, Yang ge," he said with a quick smile. After another sip of coffee, he looked toward Ziggy, who had taken a seat across from them but stayed quiet. "Aren't you mad, Zig? Seriously. Why's no one angry with me?"

"That one over there was plenty angry, tsé?" Ziggy chuckled playfully. "I'm pretty sure he went through every emotion a person can have."

Yangyang growled under his breath and Amari grabbed at the large forearms around him.

"I was just upset that you only sent Yangyang a goodbye message. Fine, c'est correct, là! Send your lover a sappy message, but don't say anything to your family."

Amari frowned, more out of shame than irritation. He wondered if they could tell the difference. "You're not as insecure as this one, so I didn't think you'd worry."

"Could you stop referring to me as 'this one' and 'that one'?" Yangyang growled again. "I'm right here. And you're making it sound like I completely lost it while you were gone."

There was silence. Amari couldn't see Ziggy's expression, but it was easy to guess the look on his face.

"Alright, maybe I lost it a bit in the middle." After a low huff, blowing hot breath onto Amari's cheek, the large body slouched a little under him. He lifted Yangyang's arm and kissed it with a smile.

"I really missed this Yang ge..." He giggled as Yangyang pulled his arm back and huffed again.

"Enough of that," he grumbled, done with the teasing. "It's time for your explanation."