Episode 67 - So Much To Say

"Sorry." Yangyang's muffled voice sounded sadly apologetic and it wasn't the response Amari wanted, piling onto the guilt that already consumed him.

"Jesus, Yang ge... Please don't say that. I hurt you. Why're you apologizing?"

Yangyang lifted his head and pulled Amari down onto his lap, then wrapped each leg around his waist. "I'm sorry that I'm always scared. I know how you feel, but I can't let myself believe it."

"You're always scared because I'm an insensitive asshole." Amari kissed Yangyang's neck, then slid his hands up to grip his jaw. His fingers spread to the nape of his neck, weaving into the small strands of hair. "The things that frighten you are my fault."

The head in Amari's hold hung a bit lower and Yangyang sighed. "You talk about insecurity and doubt, but I have so much more of that. You hate yourself for that, so how am I supposed to feel?"

Amari kissed his forehead and kept his grasp firm.

"Li Yangyi. You've got anxiety. That's part of who you are. It's no different than my vision, or my blunt speech. But my insecurities and guilt're from years of trauma. It's hard to believe, but I wasn't always like this. That's not part of who I am, but I let it control me. I know the real you, and I love everything. Now I wanna be the real me."

There were a few moments of silence, then it was broken by a breathy laugh out of Yangyang.

"Apparently, the real you is great at giving speeches." His voice was lighter than before, joking with him. "Seriously, A Li. You always have so much to say."

Amari removed his hands and punched him hard in the chest, scowling at the grunt he received in response.

"I'm being serious." He sighed and hung his head over Yangyang's shoulder. "It's because I'm constantly trying to fix my mistakes. If I wasn't such a fuck-up, I'd hardly speak at all."

That got another huffed laugh. "I know that's not true. The hardly speaking part. You're definitely a fuck-up."

He groaned. Yangyang was teasing, but it didn't make what he said any less true. "At least you know and you're still here." An uncontrolled smile spread across his face at the thought. "At least I haven't fucked up enough for you to leave me."

"I can't even imagine that." Yangyang pushed him back until they were face to face and gave him a long, soft kiss. "Come on, chatty. Let's go see what else is in that envelope of yours."

Lifting him as he stood, Yangyang took a few steps, then placed him onto his feet, turning him toward the bedroom door and gently guiding him to the kitchen.

"What was that all about, hein?" Ziggy was still sitting in the same chair. Amari would have guessed he hadn't moved, but when Yangyang pulled him back onto his lap, the mug on the table was full of steaming hot coffee.

"Just confirming I'm still an asshole."

He smiled as he felt Yangyang nod in agreement, his chin resting against his shoulder, as if they had never left the table and the bedroom conversation had never happened.

"Well, I could have told you that, tsé?"

Amari flipped his old roommate off, getting a soft chuckle in return, then reached back into the envelope, tired and ready to be done with this. "Anyway, this's the last of the story, I think." He pulled out a business card, placing it on the table.

"I found a good bar, with an open mic night. I sing a lot with the kids, but it isn't the same. I was used to singing to express myself, so I felt really closed off the first few weeks. The owner Bobbie's gruff, but pretty nice."

He pointed toward the business card. "That guy's a friend of hers. He's a producer at a recording studio in the Financial District. He stopped me at closing one night and said he's always looking for demo singers and session vocalists. So, he calls me sometimes.

"It's pretty good money, to just sing in a studio for a few hours. Who knew?" Scratching at his head, his next words were more careful. "I talked to him about you, Yang ge. He said he's always interested in good session musicians, so I told him I'd mention it."

Yangyang's familiar hum eased any nerves and made him giggle, and he was squeezed tight in revenge.

"You'd make more in a session than you get paid total at some of your part time jobs. I think it's usually a hundred an hour, three hour minimum."

There was no response to that and the room became quiet. His story was finished and the two men were occupied thinking over what he had told them, so Amari ran through everything that had happened the past three months. He hadn't opened up entirely. It wasn't possible to fix every wound or erase every scar, but he was firmly pointed in that direction. He had spent the time trying to build new relationships with strangers, and trying to build a new relationship with himself, and he was better for it.

Still, it felt surreal actually talking about it. There was a time in his life when he was outgoing and able to speak to others without his lungs seizing and his mind screaming in panic, but it was so long ago he barely remembered that person anymore. He never remembered that person smiling or being nice. That was something entirely new, and he still struggled to believe any of this happiness could be real.

Yangyang let out a long sigh, the exhaled breath warming the side of his head, and he was turned in the chair so they were face to face. Reaching out, his fingers found the corner of Yangyang's mouth and it was lifted in a smile.

"Well, I suppose you were productive enough during your break that I can forgive you for abandoning me."

His voice was playful, but Amari frowned, feeling the sorrow and guilt rise to the surface again. Yangyang laughed at his expression and pulled his head into his chest.

"It was difficult for me, and I can't say that I'm completely alright, but I'm really proud of you A Li. Just since June, you've completely changed your life. The big things are great, but the little things are incredible. A suitcase full of different colored clothes, letting people in and making new friends, and you looked so comfortable on that stage..." Yangyang choked a little at that and Amari slid his arms between Yangyang's waist and the back of the chair. "You said you wanted to be an equal, but now I feel like you're so far ahead of me."

"Yeah, right." He giggled at the ridiculousness of the comment. "I've got a part time job I'm not qualified for, and I'm gonna start GED classes. And my social skills're slightly less shitty. It just seems impressive because of how completely fucked up my life was before..." He trailed off, thinking of what a waste most of his existence had been until now. "Anyway, I thought about that too."

"About what? About how you're better than me now?"

Amari smiled, the tone of Yangyang's voice showing he actually felt a bit offended.

"Yeah." Removing his arms, he reached back to the envelope on the table, pulling out another packet of papers. Taking Yangyang's hand, he placed them into his palm. "So, I researched for you too. I don't know anything about music schools, but the college you went to's one of the best in the country. That's amazing. Yang ge, you're fucking amazing. You should go back to school."

Yangyang kissed him on the forehead and returned the papers to the table. "It's a nice thought, but it isn't that easy. What about Taitai? And the cost? And I'm not that young anymore. I only play around for fun, but I'd have to pass an audition again."

"You don't know until you try," Amari pointed out, advice he never used to take, but now could give with ease. "I know you, and you're just making excuses because you're scared. Maybe it's better that you're older. Taitai's older, and he'll go to school full time. Once I finish my GED, my pay and hours'll increase, and Joe's been calling me to the studio more to sing." He wrapped his arms back around Yangyang's waist. "You've still got friends from college, and connections with clubs and musicians across the city. And now you've got family to support you. Not just Yinyi and your ma, but me, and Zig, and Cate."

"And Minwoo," reminded Ziggy, who had gone to the sink to wash dishes while the two spoke. "And the Zhangs."

Amari raised a brow and his head tilted as he stared out past Yangyang's shoulder. "You've been hanging out with Minwoo? And shūshu and āyí?"

"I visit them every Monday." Yangyang chuckled. "Minwoo and Taitai have become best friends. Sometimes Minwoo babysits, or just comes over to hang out. That kid is too social."

"Yeah, he is. But... why? I mean, how?"

"It became a ritual for Ziggy and I. He would visit all your old busking spots in the morning, and I would visit Zhang āyí. Then Zig and I would meet up for lunch, and afterward I would go hang out with Minwoo at the karaoke. Most of the time I brought Taitai with me."

Amari felt his expression sink, everything crushed yet again by the heavy guilt. "You were looking for me."

"Maybe at first." A large hand rubbed his back. "Even though we knew you wouldn't be there or contact anyone. Then it just became a habit."

"I'm so sorry." He laid his head back on Yangyang's shoulder, that heavy weight exhausting him, but Yangyang chuckled. It was an honest, light little laugh.

"It was a good thing. I realized I have a lot of friends, acquaintances really, but everyone in your life is family. Other than jie, who actually is family, I've never had those kinds of relationships." Yangyang gave him a quick hug. "But now, I have many."

"I'm glad," he said, not moving his head but letting a smile return. "So, that means you're gonna seriously think about going back to college?"

Yangyang laughed at the transition, louder and deeper this time. "Well, I have to be able to compete with the great A Li, so I guess I'll give it some thought."

Lifting his head, Amari grinned wide at Yangyang, and a peck landed suddenly on his lips and teeth. He giggled and pulled him back in for a deeper kiss.

"I missed you so much." Leaning his forehead on Yangyang's, the words were soft and quiet, but genuine. "I'm so happy you don't hate me."

"I don't think that's possible." Yangyang's reply was just as soft and just as genuine, then he let out a sharp gasp. "Ah shit. I never called jie."