Episode 98 - A Small Relief

Over the next two weeks, Amari fell back into his habit of sleeping to avoid thinking. Most of the time, he kept himself locked in his room, hidden under a blanket, avoiding everything just as Ziggy had predicted. He really was an asshole, but even being conscious was painful now.

Yangyang came to visit when he was able, and they spent a few nights together, but Amari was distant. He played it off as being groggy or feeling dizzy, maybe still adjusting to the side effects of the medication, but in reality, most of those side effects were gone. He had to change his dose a few times early on, but by the end of the second week, the impact of the drugs on his life was minimal.

At his follow-up, the doctor told him the subsequent seizures he had in the hospital were most likely triggered by the initial attack, similar to an aftershock from an earthquake. Because he'd taken well to the meds and hadn't had another episode, he doubted he would experience issues with any frequency. It was always possible to have another seizure, so he still had to alert the people around him, and there were some things he could no longer do, but these were things he never really did before anyway.

Amari kept Yangyang up to date and answered any questions he asked honestly. He didn't like lying and would feel even worse if he tried. It wasn't exactly a lie that he felt groggy or dizzy either, but the cause wasn't side effects of any medication.

He was amazed how quickly he returned to his old grumpy self, distant and rude, and no longer concerned with watching what he said or forcing a smile or laugh. In fact, he wasn't sure he had smiled once since he left the hospital.

He missed Yangyang and Taitai, and there was a hole in his heart that couldn't be filled with anything else, but a piece of him felt good returning to the old Amari. He felt less constrained and less pressured to please everyone around him. Sometimes it was suffocating, dealing with so many people during a day - watching his language, and being constantly supportive and comforting.

In such a short period of time, he had changed so much, and sometimes he just wanted to breakdown and scream. It didn't make the guilt, remorse, or anger go away, but just like the feeling he had when he was threatening Nicky, it was a small relief - a little weight off his chest. And that tiny bit of lightness made it easier to convince himself it was better to stay this way, at least for now. At least until he could figure things out.

After pulling on some clean boxer-briefs, he scratched at his mohawk as he crawled out of bed. His hair had grown longer and he contemplated shaving it down again, but in the end he was too lazy to bother. He cracked the blackout curtain, something he had become accustomed to when Yangyang stayed over, and let his eyes adjust.

It was early, so the light wasn't bright, but now he wore his sunglasses even in the house. It was rare but possible for sudden bright lights to trigger a seizure, so he couldn't forget the shades anymore.

He opened the door and shuffled into the bathroom, then down the hall to the kitchen. Sitting at the table, a mug of hot, black coffee appeared. He took a sip and exhaled in satisfaction, then turned to the figure in the chair next to him.

"Joe," he greeted, no expression on his face. "You're here yet again. You sure do spend a lot of time here."

Joe shifted in his chair and slowly tapped a finger on the table. "Nope. I really can't get used to this." Ziggy chuckled, handing the man a cup of coffee and sipping his own as he sat.

"This is the original Scotty," Ziggy said sweetly. "You only knew the upgraded, two-point-oh version. What do you think, hein?"

Joe leaned over the table, taking a closer look. Amari frowned and continued drinking. After a moment, he leaned back again and hummed.

"It somehow suits him better? I don't care, as long as he sounds the same when he sings." He took a large gulp of coffee. "But, it's a shame for Yangyang and that adorable child of his. Amari really lit up around them."

Amari groaned and brought his mug to the coffee pot, filling it again and leaning against the counter. "You say that like we broke up."

"You didn't?" Joe calmly asked. "You lay in that dark room all day, every day, and barely talk to him when he's here." He finished his coffee and handed Amari the empty mug. "I can't stand to watch him when he comes to record. It's a miserable sight."

"I'm just trying to decide what to do," Amari shot back, wondering why he needed to explain himself to this man. "It isn't any of your fucking business anyway." With a sigh, not meaning to sound so defensive, he handed over a full mug. "Sorry."

Joe gave his arm a soft pat. "It's fine. We all deal with our shit differently."

"And you're quiet this morning." He turned toward his usually chatty and cheerful friend. "No words of wisdom today?"

Ziggy huffed lightly. "You really are an asshole, hein?" he said, faking a sweet tone. "You're not going to listen to me anyway, so just do what you want."

Amari ignored him and pointed between the two men. "What's this anyway? This thing between you two. What happened to being friends? I mean, after Nicky, you'd think-"

"You deal with your own fucked up relationships and leave me to mine, hein?" Ziggy stood and dropped his empty mug into the sink. "I'm going to take a shower."

He trudged off to the bathroom and Amari took his seat. "What was that about?"

"It isn't like you're very nice to him," Joe pointed out.

Amari shrugged and chugged the rest of the hot liquid. "I've always treated him that way. This's something different."

He paused, then tilted his head to look toward Joe.

"You're staring at me. It's creepy."

Amari nodded slowly. "Yeah, people tell me that." He scratched at his head, but didn't move. "What's going on between you two? Nicky's the most serious relationship Zig ever had, and that was just as a sad fuck-buddy. You though... It seems like you're different."

"Well, that's good to hear, I think." Joe finished his coffee as well and picked up both empty mugs. He didn't seem too offended or too excited - just his normal, calm self. "I don't really know what's going on. He seems like an open book, but he hides everything. Everything real, anyway."

Amari nodded and sighed. "Yeah. You want someone who's really broken..." He pointed toward the bathroom. "That man's the winner, no contest. Might be getting yourself involved in a shit-show."

"I can deal with broken, and I can deal with a shit-show. Right now, I'm just looking for honest." Joe squeezed Amari's shoulder and headed for the door. "I have plenty of time." He grabbed his coat and keys and hesitated, adding, "And if I have plenty of time, you have all the time in the world. Maybe don't be so hasty in your decisions."

Joe left before Amari could say anything back and he just groaned, laying his head on the table and covering it with his arms. He couldn't avoid this forever, but every time he thought he was ready to bring it up, his brain froze and he wasn't able to speak. This constant worry over someone else when you can't even figure yourself out was the worst.

::This is why people don't have serious relationships. Every choice just feels like shit.::

He went back to his room and threw on some pants and a sweater. He had reverted to wearing all black again, not having the energy or desire to determine which shirt was which. He knocked on the bathroom door, shoving his phone into his pocket.

"Zig?" His voice was louder than the sound of the shower, but there was no reply, so he guessed his friend was actually mad at him. "I'm going to see Cate for a while. I've got my phone if you need something."

There was still no reply, so he headed to the door, shoving his keys into a coat pocket and heading out to the coffeehouse.