NOT YET

I sniff lightly and look straight ahead, determined not to look at him.

“Go ahead. Congratulate yourself. I messed up. But then you always knew that I would. And now FINALLY Nathaniel Alderidge will be gracing us with his much needed presence because I can never manage anything!

I can never handle a thing.

At least that’s what both of you think.” I say, throwing all my angst and frustration into my voice while still staring ahead.

“Alanna, everyone knows that you can handle full well anything that comes your way.”

“Didn’t feel like that yesterday, did you?”

“I told you to tie the hair becau-“

“Because you thought that some stupid young asshole would be too attracted by it and make a pass at me which I wouldn’t be able to manage.

Little Miss Disaster falls into trouble and you, Mr. Save The Day has to come save her again.

Even Zach thought that I can’t handle one boy for a few minutes and he went on to punch Axel, without any reason. I’m just sick of it.”

I wipe the fresh set of tears that fall while I can sense Nathaniel watching me intently.

“Axel? Cordon?” I don’t answer as I roll my eyes. Out of all that he caught just this? These two boys are going to be the end of me.

“Nate, don’t start-“

“Alanna, Axel is bad news. He doesn’t have that great of a reputation with girls. With anyone, for that matter, you don’t know hi-”

“So does Zach. Are you saying that he’s unsafe too? It’s not the guy Nate, it’s both of your thought processes.

Zach thinks he has the right to boss me because we kissed and he opened up about Brit.

And you think you have it because you’ve always saved me from my fudged up messes!”

Nate goes completely silent and still. A deafening silence screams in my ears and I try to fight with my everything.

“Adalanna, have I ever complained?” He speaks, so soft and hushed that I turn to look at him through my heavily wet eyes.

Water dances in them as I look at him gazing at me.

“Ever – gloated? Denied?” I lose it more and more with every word of his as his look intensifies.

“I’m here, I will be. And I don’t need to take a price for that.”

His words are my undoing and I lunge forward wrapping my arms around his shoulders and bury my face into the crook of his neck.

He gets surprised but relaxes the next moment, holding me gently as I sob uncontrollably.

And in this moment, I realise that they had been right all along. I can’t manage myself. I’m so weak. I hate this.

Look at your very own pathetic and delusional self.

You are such a parasite!

You don’t deserve the position, the authority, because you can’t handle it.

I wish I didn’t know you.

“Nate, why do I have to be so weak? So desperate, helpless? Of course, everyone hates me.” I cry out against his soft skin and he caresses my back rocking my gently.

“You know Alanna, the first day at school, when all that happened, I saw a fire, in your eyes. You had this strength. That said that you’ve been terribly hurt before and you won’t let it happen to you again.

It was unnerving that the students would choose someone they’ve known for one day, over Sofia Richman.

And that’s because they saw it too.Those people are the ones who are inside right now. They believe in you. I believe in you. And I don’t call that helplessness.”

I grip him tighter in response and let out all I had stored within me since that day. This isn’t about last night. This is about the whole of last year.

“Whatever the past is, Alanna, you have to let it go. There’s no past that can’t be forgotten. It’s clouding your confidence. There’s so many people you don’t even know who’d die to be you.

Hell I do, sometimes. Of course not with the hair and the eyes, I’m quite proud of my blue ones-“

He chuckles and I just keep my focus on his voice. It creeps slowly into my system, and nothing had ever been so comforting.

“-the way you care about people. The way something so small as a chocolate smoothie can make you so happy.

The way you hold your beliefs and voice it out fearlessly in psychology class.

The way you risk your own self to help someone else."

I crack up a small smile and sniff his heavenly scent. Nathaniel Alderidge has been right all along, this far. I have to let go.

I move back, loosening the hold slowly and he looks at me concerned, yet with a smile nevertheless.

“Never wish yourself away, Alanna. Never want to be someone else. You’ll never know just how ridiculously wanted you are.”

He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear gently and places a light feather kiss on my forehead.

I close my eyes as my heartbeat accelerates at the small yet moving gesture and I fist his t-shirt.

“I ruined your t-shirt.”

“Yeah, well, you ruin my favourite hoodie. T-shirt. Tell me what’s next?” He flashes his perfect dimpled smile at me and I let out a small laugh.

“You need to do some damage control.”

“I need a bar of chocolate first. Get me one.”

“Oh-kay. Just as soon as you decide you’ve had enough of me and leave my poor t-shirt.” I leave it immediately and hit his chest playfully with a chuckle.

I wipe my face for any remnant reminders of my condition and walk on with a last look at Nate, who doesn’t take his eyes off me for even a second.

*

Murmurings turn into silence once again as I enter and everyone suddenly gets conscious. What have I done! I cough and then speak up.

“I messed up. Too bad. And, I don’t want anyone of you to be scared of me, like please – don’t be scared of me, that’s scary.

Brian, I’ll compile your information into a final list.

Tiffany, that theme is incredible, add a bit of a royal blue and it will be just perfect and Lewis, the torch is in the store by the pool and you can bring it anytime that’s convenient, we have time.

Sofia-“

She looks up at me with an angry face and I feel all the more, worse.

“I’ll have the old gymnasium cleaned up. You can rehearse there. And that routine is – fire!” She lifts her chin up proudly and her face softens somewhat.

“And all of you, this won’t be possible without you. I need everyone. We need everyone. I just- I wasn’t a 100% today, I had some issues and- Everyone screws up. I do it more than anyone else.

But believe me when I say that I’ve always wanted to be your representative, and not your leader.”

Everyone relaxes and I spot a few smiles around. Okay, getting there.

“So, I’m really, really sorry for earlier, and now- Well, how about we give them one hell of a show and have mighty fun along the way?”

I almost dread this failing when I hear Lily starting to scream enthusiastically and all the others joining with loud hoots. I love you, Lil.

I look around the room and I see people, happy, believing in me. I smile, ear to ear and I am happy in this moment.

What would I ever do without you Nate?

*

It’s almost evening by the time we wrap up and we have got so much done today.

“Bye, Alanna.”

“Bye, Tiffany. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She smiles and walks away and I do too only to find my lifesaver leaning gorgeously against the wall, arms crossed, waiting with a soft smile.

He’s just, so… insanely gorgeous.

“I take it the damage has indeed been controlled.”

“It has. Nate, thank-“

“Uh uh. Don’t you offer your thank you’s yet. Come on.” He takes my hand into his and starts walking into the building.

Warm adrenaline purges through me, originating at the contact and I swallow nervously.

“Day’s over. Where are we go-“

“Not yet.”

Author's note:

*sniffs*

Nathaniel Alderidge .

*sniffs again*

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