Poem Critique 3/5

This is a critique of someone else's writing from my class. It starts with all of the poems, which are quite beautiful and emotional. It is clearly indicated where my critique starts. I hope you enjoy this as I certainly did.

lonely love.

you seemed so sweet, so innocent and pure.

you seemed to be the guy i was longing for.

the world saw us as friends, nothing more.

but to my broken heart, you were the only cure.

letters that contained our love for each other,

were thrown away, as if you were never my lover.

words meant for me, became meant for another.

we did things that i wouldn't even tell my mother.

kisses all over my neck and chest,

punches and slaps coming right and left.

never a night of peaceful rest,

yet i convinced myself it was for the best.

when you asked, i gave you ever piece of me.

even when you didn't, i'd just let it be.

there was never a moment where i felt free.

but i loved you so much, i just couldn't see.

then the night came where you decided to leave..

why did you have to leave so abruptly?

you told me it was never going to work out between us.

this is all my fault. it's all my fault…

up to you.

i feel like im always complaining..

and that bad things are usually my fault.

this feeling is burning through me,

raining fire, brimstone, and salt.

my heart is tearing me apart

from all the confusion and sadness.

but to them my heart is just a heart

to fill with all of their madness.

maybe i am too nice,

and maybe i can't say no.

but i guess i chose this life,

i mean, where else can i go?

you're delusional

you had me at hello,

and there was no turning back.

a smile, with such a glow,

i thought it was what i had lacked.

you told me to lighten up,

and maybe laugh a bit.

so i blindly remained stuck,

listening to all of your instructions.

what you wanted me to do,

was seen as terribly wrong.

but i thought i trusted you,

so i silently played along.

the smiling guy i had once knew,

was for sure far gone.

i would no longer dance,

to your twisted, sick song.

every single day,

i was under your control.

but i break free to say,

you're absolutely delusional.

spirit of fear.

clouded mind,

under the sheets.

tears falling down,

as night reaches its peak.

in public, in pain.

or alone in the rain.

my hurt takes a form,

that some call "insane".

i try to conceal

the things that i feel.

by smiling and laughing

i hope i will heal.

but my mind is so blank,

even when i write songs.

where do crazy people,

like me, belong?

i would run away,

but i'm broke and alone.

and this is the only place

i've ever called home.

i'm only okay when i'm by myself,

not caring for my body, my brain, or my health.

knowing i'm nothing, and help no one around,

as much as i scream, no one will hear a sound.

adrift.

i'm no longer in touch with reality.

my mind is adrift, but some would say free.

i'm starting to forget everyone's faces,

eyes and lips have become blank spaces.

i don't know anything or anyone.

and sitting in the dark, alone, becomes fun.

ignorance doesn't bother me anymore,

my mind is cold, and so is my core.

i walk all alone, with my head down low.

still smiling, even though i have no one to show,

still laughing, even though no one's told a joke,

and crying, because my mind is as cloudy as smoke.

honestly?

letting people walk all over me,

and use me to their will.

ill say "no" and "please stop",

but through it all, i'm unheard still.

no one wants to hear me talk

about the good, the bad, and the sad.

they cover their ears, and shut their eyes,

and forget about the pain i've had.

but that's okay, smiles on my face,

oh man, she can really act.

but the scars on my wrists,

and the tears in my eyes,

prove my story as a fact.

so greedy.

i felt like a pretty girl today,

just for a moment though.

thinking someone could actually like me,

there may be more to me than i know.

when compliments come, i reject them,

and shy myself away.

but compliment, after compliment,

the more i hear, i want to stay.

these kind words get to my head,

so when i don't hear them i feel ugly.

i allowed myself to believe such pretty lies,

how could i think anyone could ever love me?

trust.

i've made this mistake way too many times.

i've lost everything that i once called "mine."

my friendships, my boyfriends, my reasons to care.

my happiness has gone completely elsewhere.

my confiding in people has been covered by lies,

but no one would know because i've silenced my cries.

"just hold it in, you're almost to you room".

soon to let my thoughts consume me like fiery fumes.

if i say the rights things, and word it just the right way,

people will think that i'm better. that i'm really okay.

but i'm slowly getting worse, wearing a permanent mask.

and if i ever feel fine, it doesn't last.

It hurts to pretend, yet i do it so much.

I smile and i wink, adding a personal touch.

But as the saying goes, eyes are the window to the soul.

And my eyes show that my heart has a gaping, black hole.

-Start of my critique-

Dear S*******,

Overall, your writing does an amazing job at conveying emotions to the reader. As someone who has gone through similar pains and struggles in the past, I personally felt touched by this. I commend your bravery in putting this type of thing out there for others to see. Bravo. I will now break my evaluations down by poem. One thing, please excuse the improper use of pronouns if it does apply. I did not remember what you specified and I mean no offense by it.

The first poem you wrote was Lonely Love. When I read it, it was as if I could feel the pain that who I presumed was your ex caused you. I also had an ex-boyfriend who was quite neglectful. He never physically abused me but the mental is also bad. The line that really spoke to me was "But I loved you so much, I just couldn't see." Being blinded by love and other strong emotions can really cripple us. I once wrote a piece about fear and it conveys a similar message about being blinded by it. The last thing I have to say regarding this poem was the concluding stanza. The chaos and heartbreak in those four lines really expressed the confusion and pain that people feel when they are abruptly cut off from the one they thought they loved. One thing I believe could have contributed to improving this poem is adding a perspective of how he would approach you. Being able to have the reader see the experience of how he would greet you to add to the facade that blinded you would make for a much more comprehensive visual. However, this was a splendid work nonetheless.

The second poem was Up to You. It was difficult for me to determine what the actual theme or message was in this poem but I feel that I related to it in my own way. Through my depression and ADHD, I have always complained and blamed things that were out of my control. Then on top of that, I had always been a sort of therapist figure for my friends, even though I was too blind to solve my own issues. The part that piqued my interest was the concluding stanza. It really expressed the feeling that you are great for other people to lean on but can't even lean on yourself.

The next poem was You're Delusional. I believe a better name for this poem would have been Sociopath. This term fits the theme much better. The description of the manipulation was masterful and abstract. Sociopaths are those who manipulate others for their own gains without care for other people's well being.

The proceeding poem was Spirit of Fear. I hadn't noticed it previously but I like how you switched up the flow in the poems in terms of rhyming. It made each poem read differently. As I read through this poem in particular, I was able to imagine the sound of torrential rain outside my window. I felt the chills and coldness of loneliness and despair. The facade that conceals your emotions also contributed to the feeling. It almost made me feel as if you were holding an umbrella during a storm while already soaking wet.

The next poem was called Adrift. I read this poem as if the person in question was a desensitized and lost soul, adrift in the void of solitude. The facial features of others dissolving from your memory really pushed forward that idea of being lost and not knowing how to get back on your path. It was a very interesting way to put it.

The next poem was named Honestly? I wasn't entirely sure how to read this poem but I decided that it made the most sense coming from a survivor of sexual violence. Whether it be rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, physical abuse, any of those could be the source of this despair. Victims often don't get the support they need. Many people don't even understand sexual assault in the first place. I was in that position a long time ago. My first sexual experience was me being assaulted and I didn't even know until years later. The line, "Oh man, she can really act," really struck a chord with me. It would seem that putting up a facade is a common theme in your poems and it really provides a window into the pain behind that forced smile. I believe this poem would have been a bit better if the angle that you were coming from when writing this was a bit more clear as I am still unsure as to whether I read it correctly or not.'

The next poem was So Greedy. This poem really hit upon human nature and how it has developed in current times. Today, people crave the approval of others, constantly posting, showing off, and seeking that attention. Even negative attention can often fill that void to make people feel good about themselves. The last line, "How could I think anyone could ever love me?" was an interesting way of lifting the facade to expose the reality that hosts the delusions.

The last poem was Trust. This is a common sentiment that a lot of people who have been hurt by others have. Being unable to trust people yields anxiety and depression. I have felt this way many times. I have become cold and heartless in my pursuit of love, only opening up when I feel that someone is worthy. Unfortunately, even those that are worthy will often rip your heart out and leave an even bigger void than before. A line in the song Without You by The Kid Laroi really sums this up for me. "You ripped out a piece of me and now I bleed internally left here without you…" My one critique for this poem is that there could have been some better verbiage used in specific spots. One example I will give is the line, "My friendships, my boyfriends, my reasons to care." This line could have been ten times better if you used the word "lovers" rather than "boyfriends." This would accomplish a few things. First, it would improve the flow of the line, making it read and sound better. Secondly, it would make it so that anyone could relate to it rather than being turned off by the fact that it is from the perspective of a heartbroken girl. Lastly, having the word "friend" be said twice in the same line just doesn't read that well. The message came across just fine but "lover" would have sounded better. Overall, I really liked the poem and this one spoke to me personally just like the first one.

You did a great job on these poems. The overall critique I would have is to work on your verbiage in some places. Other words would fit better in those places to just read back your stuff and make sure that everything sounds good when you read it aloud. I do sincerely hope I get another chance to read some of your work.

-Alec Newman