John Smith

Technology induced memory loss-- a term I've never heard before, but somehow sounds familiar. But why would the doctor bring that up now? My eyes shift away from his face, feeling slightly uncomfortable about this whole situation. Hoping that it was not true, I spoke.

"It's related to me, isn't it?" My voice is small, but it carries across the room.

"You are a smart one, aren't you?"

There's a smile on the doctor's face, but why do I feel as if there is a deeper story behind it, a really sad one? The doctor's words themselves neither confirm or deny my speculation, yet, despite that I already knew the answer. Now, the only question in my head is why?

"Speak," I said.

"Technology induced memory loss, as the name suggests is technology that erases memories. Up until now, it was impossible to erase memories without physically damaging the brain itself. In order words, blunt force trauma-- something that is not recommended nor ethical. Even more so, erasing specific memories without affecting other memories is something unimaginable."

"Yet, you managed to do it, didn't you?"

Dr. Marden looks at me dead straight in the eyes; the glare from his glasses momentarily blind me.

"A while ago, a man decided to visit me in the middle of the night, asking for my research. At the time, I had kept the details of my research under strict surveillance. Including me, there were a total of five people who knew what I was doing. How that man found out about my research, to this day I still don't know."

"And you gave it to him?"

Dr. Marden faces towards the window, looking into the distance, his eyes forlorn, and his face weary.

"Perhaps, it might be a decision that I would someday come to regret."

Dr. Marden raises his hand, resting it on the window's glass. He was internally reaching for something that was not there, and the window served as an invisible barrier, blocking him from whatever he was attempting to reach. Able to visualize it, but not able to grasp it-- that was the emotions that Dr. Marden felt at that moment. It was a silent struggle with himself.

"Why'd you do it?"

"I could tell you it was because I had no choice, but that would make me sound pathetic. Even at the cost of my life, I still had a choice, and there were numerous times during the process where I could have stopped it all. Maybe it was wrong of me to have indulged the man and I shouldn't have gone through with the whole affair," the old man sighed as he reflected. "In the end, I am a doctor. We doctors are a bit sensitive to pain. That night, if you could just see the look in his eyes... he was in agony. He was suffering, and I just couldn't overlook it. I'd like to think that I did the right thing."

"Did you erase the man's memories?"

Bowing his head, the doctor remained silent.

"Is that man me?"

The doctor picks up the remote off the table and points it at the projector. Dust particles float in the bright light illuminating the projector screen.

"I'd like to show you something," says the doctor.

The screen lights up and an image of a man's face pops up from the projector. The man on the screen could be anywhere in his late twenties or early thirties. His face was not young, but it wasn't old either. Luscious black, curly hair, spilling all over his head adorned his crown. The curls rolled down his head like the great waves of the sea, tightly coiled and bouncy, it suggested African descent. However, one could never be sure. He had the tall and prominent nose of a European, not as aquiline as the Romans, but straight-edged and sharp. His eyes further confused the onlooker. His eyes were a dark chasm of destruction, an abyss where if not careful, one could eternally lose oneself. Despite the chaos swirling in his eyes, beautifully shaped like a willow leaf, his eyes were captivating. Although he had a double lid, his eyes had the distinguishable look of one with Asian descent. His skin was blessed by the sun, the color of mountains, and the richness of the earth. It had a vibrancy that illuminated its olive undertones, and a healthy glow like the color of the sands of the desert. He looked like a person who would be easily mistaken as Hawaiian, Native American, Alaskan, Middle Eastern, or even South American. Those with discerning eyes may even acknowledge him as a mixed race child. But, from what races? That is a question that could not be answered.

Staring at his blown up face on the projector screen, it didn't evoke any emotion in me. At the very least, he looked like an attractive decent man. But that was it. Yet, somehow, this man had a connection to me. He was the missing link to the memory loss research, and it all came back circling to me.

Dr. Marden presses the play button, and a melodious voice crackles from the cheap plastic speakers. A voice that is neither low or high, but is distinctly male. The voice was pleasant sounding, the type that could put one to sleep.

"Hello Future Me. If you are watching this, that means the experiment was a success. I know that you must be really confused right now, and you want answers, but I can only tell you this. Don't go searching for answers, accept this as your new reality.

I came to Dr. Marden, asking him to erase my memories. I know this doesn't make any sense, but hear me out. Don't go trying to get your memories back. That'll ruin the whole purpose of me erasing it in the first place. I-- I mean you, me -- we came from a very painful past. The kind of past where you'd wonder how a person went through it all without either killing themself or becoming a monster... Hah, maybe I did become a monster... It doesn't matter anyways. The past is gone. Erased. Just like your memories. It's not worth it-- remembering all those stuff, it's not worth it. You don't have any loved ones, and no one's going to look for you if you disappear. Some people might actually celebrate if you someday disappeared off the face of the earth. Heck, they might even throw a party.

Anyways, what I'm trying to tell you is, don't go looking for the past. It won't help you. Instead, take this opportunity to create your own identity. Find yourself, and do whatever you want to do. You wanna go to school? Go for it. Get a job? Sure, why not. Travel the world? Anything that floats your boat, the world is yours. I won't even complain if you spent your whole life living on a couch watching movies all day. Just don't... just don't break any laws, alright?

I gave Dr. Marden a lot of money. He's in charge of taking care of your needs now. He'll give you a place to stay and help you adjust to your new life. Getting a job, applying to school, moving to a different state or whatever you want-- he'll help you out with that.

Don't be so hung up on the past. You have a new identity now. You are John Smith. It's up to you to create your new life."