Chapter 7: Cusp

In late February, Augustus turned sixteen. His birthday was snowy and cold, but it didn't dampen his spirits.

Will's Uncle Amadeus had stopped by to celebrate.

"I've brought you something but it's big, so I couldn't wrap it." Augustus stood, puzzled. But after Uncle Deus walked in--his parents were behind him! He rushed up and flung his arms around them.

"Oh, thank you Mr. Garnett!" he cried happily.

"Please, " he replied with a wave of his hand, "you can call me Uncle Deus. And you're very welcome."

Mary and Augustus each took their parents in hand and they all walked down the Entrance Hall together. After an enjoyable lunch, everyone gathered in the living room, Augustus's presents waiting.

Will asked politely to go first. He was excited about his gift. He had written about it only a few days ago when it arrived:

My gift for Augustus has arrived at last! It's a pineapple, a sweet fruit from abroad. It is a very expensive, rare treat growne only in tropicale places. it's yellow on the inside, green on top and has spines on the out-side. I had no qualms using almost two monthe's pocket-money for a single gift. I hope he likes it...

"All right, this is for you," Will reached back and held out the gift. Augustus gladly took it.

"I've seen these in the city before, people trade them all the time!" he exclaimed. "What is it?" he looked up, glinting, inquisitive eyes adorning his face.

"It's called a pineapple. It's a fruit. It's rare, and tropical--"

"And expensive." Margaret added. "A bit excessive, don't you think?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yes, well, it's a gift." Will turned to his mother, with a confidant stare. "Surely something for a special occasion can be a bit costly. You understand." he held his stare. His mother couldn't deny her own materialism.

"So shall we eat it later?" Augustus suggested, giddy over his present.

"Eat it?! Goodness, no!" Margaret exclaimed before Will had a chance to speak. "It's a symbol of one's wealth. You place it on your mantle for guests to see when they arrive. Anyone who can afford one keeps them on their mantle for weeks!"

"Yes, right up until it rots." Will retorted, rolling his eyes. He had little interest in status symbols.

"Because they can afford another one!" Margaret argued.

Will frowned as his glared hardened on his mother. This was for Augustus, not her! "Well, it's Augustus's gift, we should let him decide what to do with it, shouldn't we?"

Margaret heaved a sigh. "I suppose." she replied, tossing her slim body back on her calico-printed chair, still miffed. How could anyone even contemplate wasting such an expensive delicacy by eating it?

"How about a compromise?" Augustus cheerfully suggested. "We cut it in half. One half we eat, the other half you can put on your mantle and it will fit right up against the wall."

"What a clever solution!" Lily piped up. Mary nodded in agreement and grinned at her brother.

"This is from us girls." she chirped, handing her brother a small wooden tablet, with a handle on one end and paper carefully glued to either side of it.

"Well, now, what is this?" he examined the papers: letters neatly etched onto it in a row, with blank space beneath it. The other side had rhymes carefully written on them in excellent penmanship.

"It's a primer." Lily explained. "We know you started studying to read and write so we thought it might help. Mary asked me to teach her as well. I made this primer for you. It's got your name on here so you can practice it."

"Very thoughtful! Thank you, girls." he cooed, hugging Lily, kissing his sister lightly on the cheek.

"You're welcome." Elizabeth sweetly replied, grinning at Augustus.

He turned to Will, his eyes lit up with excitement: "We'll be putting it to good use, won't we?"

"Of course we will." As their eyes met, Will felt an invigorating rush, a euphoric flash that blurred his mind. He loved having this project with Augustus. It was the perfect excuse to spend plenty of time alone with him. His parents couldn't talk to him about Sarah, or his future, or the business. Unlike his parents, Augustus didn't want him to change. He valued Will for exactly who he was.

The room paused, almost uncomfortable as the boys spent just a second too long staring at each other. Will eventually averted his eyes, blushing.

"All right, who's next?" Augustus snapped back to the present moment. He, too, had singled Will out, despite roughly half a dozen other people in the room.

"Perhaps I shall?" Uncle Dues piped up.

"Surely." Augustus patiently looked at him.

"Well, I have a surprise. Augustus, I am cordially inviting you, Will and Lily to come to London with me and see a play in April! It's a bit easier than reading one."

"That's splendid!" he agreed with a grin. "I've never been to the theater before!"

"Uncle, that sounds wonderful!" Lily exclaimed, clasping her hands in delight.

"Any idea what they're doing?" Will asked, eager.

"Another comedy. You should see Nell Gwyn! Augustus, she's an actress. About your age actually, but very talented. She's become quite famous in only a year or two."

"No thanks to being the King's favourite." Margaret coolly added. She did not approve of the theater or acting. And she certainly wasn't thrilled with the King having a teenage consort with questionable upbringing.

"Oh, I've heard of her." Augustus replied. "She's actually got quite the following among my friends back home."

"Of course she does." Margaret murmured smugly, arms still folded.

Will chose to ignore his mother. He was too content.

~*~

That evening, Will reflected about the joyful day. He started happily, but his thoughts soon became stressful:

22 February 1666

Half Six in the Evening

Augustus is sixteen now, and thus far it has been goode: Uncle Deus brought his parents to visite!! It was lovely to see them again and he was overjoy'd. And he was perfectly content with just a few gifts and I felt so enamored with his goode nature. He would've been just as happy with nothing but company. As I was hoping, he adored my gift. Lily's primer was very thoughtful.

There was this amazing moment when I looked at him and he looked at me and I felt some vigorous rush, just pushing through me. I adore spending time with him. He's amazing, and I do find much about him endearing. He is always social, and seems to en-joy listening to people talk, including me. I am especially keen on this. He likes to listen and I like to talk. A perfect arrangement.

But ever since a few wekes ago when I realised just exactly how I felt about him, I've had all of my happiness over him ruined with guilt.

I know good and well I should not be feeling like this. And to think I was looking forward to meeting Sarah until I realised how I felt! This is so obviously wrong, but I just don't understand: how can it be that someone making me this happy is wrong? What makes it wrong, anyway?

Since I last wrote, I am at a state much more unstable than I previously was. I like him more by the day, and I'll be meeting Sarah in only a few days' time. And their wishes; although they haven't told me themselves, I found out by accident on my own, are for us to court, engage, and later marry. I feel as though what I want and what they want are going to collide, and I dread all the tension of waiting. Waiting and hoping I'll have an interest in her. All I can do is wait.

He sighed heavily in disappointment, letting his chin rest on his hands as he stared out the window. It was gently snowing outside, and he saw the small flakes turn to drops of water on his window, distorting his view. His lone relief was that he had someplace, anyplace, to confess his anxiety without anyone else picking up on it.

He turned from his desk when he heard Augustus bound happily into the room, gifts in hand.

Stress shot through his veins; Augustus couldn't see what he had written! He shuffled a stack of papers around, quickly closing his journal and slid it away from him.

"Good birthday?" he asked, watching as Augustus crossed the room.

"Brilliant!" he marveled as he approached his side of the room. He took off his shift and Will watched the cloth expose his skin for a second before quickly looking away.

Will abruptly stood from his desk and moved to his side of the room.

"So happy Uncle Deus brought my parents!" Augustus continued, pulling on a much longer shift to sleep in, and draped himself on the bed.

"I remember you had that Almanac. Could we look up my birthday?" He looked up at Will expectantly. "Thought it might be fun."

"Surely." he replied, offering him a smile before rummaging through his books to find it.

~*~

The next morning, Will opened his eyes, and realised he'd be meeting Sarah in a few days.

He stretched as he sat up in bed and looked to his left. Augustus was still asleep and Will sighed. Even now he still looked alluring! The cold winter sun cast over his dark hair, strewn over his eyes. He wanted in that moment to just wake him, tell him, kiss him, anything, and then he'd finally feel better. For better or worse, he'd have answers, and relief.

Unable to stop himself, he very slowly brushed a small lock of hair from his eyes, and wished he know how to tell him. But he repressed once again, and knew he had only one way to get it off his mind. He had to focus on something--and someone--else.

Her name is Sarah. Sarah Brighton. Her father Edmund is a prominente business-man with much powere and clout. A marriage between us --tension ran through him, even by writing this-- would be as my parents once called it "a goode alliance". I think that is a terrible reason to marry. Besides, I maintaine no intereste in marrying any-one. I am un-comfortable as I feel this is not normal. Even my six yeare-old sister has batted her eyelashes if she sees a boy she finds agreeable.

I remain dismayed and perpelx'd. What would Uncle Deus think of all this? Being a match-maker, I wonder: what would he say about my aversion to marriage? Or what if I were to tell him-which I shan't about my odd feelings? I am in-secure about this whole situation. If all goes as I hope Sarah will be so charming I'll change how I feel straight away. I can-not think of another possibility at this time.

Last night, we looked up Augustus's birthday in my new Almanac, and it turns out he is on a "cusp" of two signs of Astrology, Aquarius and Pisces.

Uncle Deus explained some common traits and they make so much sense: Pisces are sensitive and imaginative. Aquarians enjoy new ideas and can have a peculiar sense of humor.

Given that Uncle Deus studies the stars and planets, with both Astrology and Astronomy, I wonder if he sees an effect of the stars in love.

Perhaps the current Sun-sign or phases of the moon are affecting my mind's thoughts and heart's desires? I fear the stars make my heart go in directions my mind knows it should not. Still, this does feel quite inherent, thus I am un-sure if the stars have anything to do with this at all. I just need answers, and soon. I am un-comfortable feeling this way. I'm painfully aware of how in-appropriate this is.

I mustn't say a word; he has borne enough burdens this past yeare, and this will just make things worse. We live together; in the same room. I can't tell him! What if I make him so un-comfortable he won't want my friend-ship? Suppose I did tell him, and at first he took kindly at it to be polite, but then he rejected me for it and didn't want to spend time with me? Or tell my parents?! I can't imagine he'd ever do so, but I also can-not imagine him liking me this way. He seems to want to be goode friends, but this would be too much. I cannot spoile what we've had for yeares.

I cannot tell Uncle Deus, for tho he cares for me more than my parents do, it's too much of a risk if they hear of it.

They would have an awful time with it--they've already planned three meetings with Sarah just in the next two weeks! Both my parents (and apparently hers) think my courting her would be the perfect idea.

I have yet to hear about what she wants, or does that matter as little as what I want? I feel badly for girls, as their free will is more oftene ignored than boys. I've seen this with Lily and find it quite un-fair.

Unless Sarah sweeps me off my feet straight-away, courting her won't help at all. Right now, it just feels like more pressure.

Suppose I have to pretend I like her? Feigning affection for one certainly would not help affections for another. What am I to do? I lie awake, staring at him, wanting to be closer to him but knowing I can't.

This is not currently a sensual pursuit; but how long can that possibly last? I've never had romantic longings before this and every-thing is changing so fast! I attempt to repugn my feelings, yet find little comfort in this constant self-denial.

In the hopes this shall pass I shan't tell another; no sense worrying others over thoughts that do not last. How-ever, if this remains true, I am certain something must be done, for I am not goode kepeing emotions from others. If nothing else, this writing has eased my mind. In a personal sense I suppose I have told someone, if only by re-telling it to my-self. ~ W. Garnett

~*~

Two nights later, Will propped his elbows on the desk and closed his eyes, sleepily rubbing them for a moment. When he opened them again, he saw a clear night, cold and dark. The moonlight was strong with the occasional thin cloud drifting to and fro before it. He was meeting Sarah tomorrow. He hoped by this time the next day, he'd feel differently about Augustus.

But maybe he could change the situation. Maybe it would be best to meet his feelings head-on. He set his journal aside and readied for sleep.

He curled up in bed with a book. He could barely focus on what he was reading.

His eyes shifted back and forth from the door. It finally opened, and his heart skipped a beat when Augustus smiled at him.

He tried to refocus, tapping his fingers on the edges of the book, but peeked out over the page when Augustus took his shift off. He averted his eyes from his slim figure before he noticed.

Augustus settled in the bed next to him as usual. Will was scared, excited and could hardly think as energy blazed through his veins.

"I wanted to ask you something." he began, voice shaking. He busied himself with putting his book on the bedside table to stall just one more second.

"Yes?" Augustus asked, head tilted, curious.

They locked eyes, and Will took a deep breath.

Will leaned in and kissed him. His lips were soft and gentle.

Will quickly pulled back, too scared of his reaction. He looked away, unsure if he should be elated or mortified.

Augustus tilted his chin up and they locked eyes. He shocked Will by diving into him, unabashed. They traded sweet, short kisses. Will's heart began to pound when Augustus leaned into him, nuzzling his neck.

"Relax," he whispered, gently pushing him onto his back.

Augustus's warm hands slid up his body, pulling aside his shift, and they were ablaze, carnal energy surging between them.

Augustus crawled over him as their kisses lengthened.

Will wove his fingers through his dark hair as Augustus kissed his neck and slyly moved his hand down to--

Will awoke gasping for air, his entire body mercilessly gripped by desire.

He trembled as he sat up. Blood rushed through every inch of him, making him dizzy and weak. He began to fuss with his shift, to soak up the sweat coating his skin.

His hands shook as he gripped a thick glass of water on his nightstand. He panted, gulping down every last drop.

He nearly dropped his glass on the floor when Augustus gently touched his arm, the sensation burning through him.

Augustus's touch was so innocent, and Will couldn't stand that innocence compared to what he'd just been doing to him in his mind a moment ago.

"Are you all right?" he asked with concern, his beautiful green eyes fixed upon Will as he stared at the floor, anxious and embarrassed.

"Bad--dream." was all Will could mumble. He didn't dare look at Augustus. He couldn't.

"Well, what happened?"

Augustus was kissing his neck, fervidly pushing their bodies together...

Will gripped a handful of sheets and twisted them nervously, still averting his intent gaze. He was certain if he looked into those eyes, those damn perfect eyes, he'd tell Augustus everything.

"Perhaps--it--"

Hot kisses on his neck, Augustus's hands all over his body...

"is..." he sighed.

It was over.

"Is best to be forgotten."

"All right." Augustus agreed with a nod. "Don't worry." he brightly assured him, a hand on his shoulder. "Whatever it is, it'll never happen in real life."

This was a sign. Augustus would never be in love with him. He'd never kiss him, never share these intense thrills. It wasn't even real.

These feelings, in addition to being morally wrong, were also impossible.

"Of course." he nodded, and looked away. Augustus couldn't see how disappointed he felt. He had to brush it off and let it go.

"But if you need anything else...just tell me, all right?"

"Yes; thank you." he replied. They bid each other good night and after Augustus turned over, Will threw himself back onto his pillow with a disappointed thump.

It was a long wait until morning.

~*~

The next morning dawned cool, but light. Preparation for Will and Sarah's first meeting was well underway for both of them.

Sarah awoke with excitement, her home buzzing with activity. Will and his mother were finally visiting!

By early afternoon, her excitement peaked as she got dressed.

"Oooh, this dress will be perfect!" Sarah exclaimed, grasping the pink, silken beauty before her. "Thank you for finishing it on time!"

"Of course, Miss. She'll be in momentarily." one of her attendants replied as she headed for the door.

Sarah hung her dress back up and leaned eagerly onto a small chair next to her full-length mirror as she waited for her stylist. Now that she had her clothes ready, she carefully retrieved a crystal perfume bottle from her vanity and dipped into the sweet-smelling liquid. Carefully, she dabbed her new honeysuckle perfume onto her neck and wrists, and started wondering what their meeting would be like.

How would it feel to have a future husband presented to her when they were only fifteen?

The pale light from her bedroom window reflected the cooled earth. It was late February, and while there was frost and chilly winds, it wasn't snowing. That somehow made it more bearable.

"Are you ready, Miss?" her usual stylist asked, knocking on her door as she slowly opened it.

"Yes. Thank you, Lydia." Sarah replaced the top on her perfume bottle and arose from her chair. She straightened out her light chemise and stood up straight. She held out her arms and closed her eyes for just a second, to focus on the satisfying feeling of a brand-new corset wrapping around her petite body.

The firm bindings forced her to stand up straight. She opened her eyes and decided the posture it enforced made her feel more confident and look quite elegant and distinguished, even though she only stood at five foot five.

She wondered as she dressed: what did Will look like?

When she slid on her fitted pink dress, she knew he would be impressed. The shining fabric had a tight bodice to show off her tiny waist.

She again sat on the small chair, still thinking as she stared in the glass of her boudoir. As she felt Lydia let her brown curls gently cascade along her back, she wondered: was his mother as easygoing as hers?

Sarah felt luxurious as the weight of a sparkling silver chain circled her neck, watching a large, polished amber crystal settle against the neckline of her dress. It laid against white ruffles, as though the gleaming orb was the sun rising above thin clouds.

She knew she was ready for him.

~*~

While Sarah was feeling confident and glamorous, Will felt awkward and tense as he dressed. He sighed, looking at the array of fashion that hung neatly in his wardrobe. He hated dressing up, and wondered why he couldn't wear his usual practical clothing.

The mid-day light from his bedroom window was pale, as the sun itself remained unseen. It was rather chilly out, so he tried to dress for both warmth and style.

He had a lot riding on this meeting, especially after last night's dream. He was uneasy around Augustus, still unable to handle his feelings. So he focused on one thing at a time. Sarah. This was all for impressing Sarah. He hoped she'd be worth it.

He pulled on his fancier Sunday breeches. The heavy dark brown fabric felt thick, so he knew it would shield him from the mediocre weather.

They sported ribbons at the ankle, which he carefully knelt down and tied. The strands had now transformed into wide golden bows.

He was happily surprised when he slid on his good silk shift. He hadn't worn it in quite some time, and had forgotten how comfortable the fabric was. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and felt less apprehensive.

"So far, so good." He mumbled to himself.

He heard a knock at the door. He turned and looked over his shoulder as he spoke:

"Come in," he replied, and turned back, now surveying his over-clothes.

He felt a pang of energy rush through him when Augustus appeared behind him.

"How's everything going?" he asked, casually draping himself on the bed behind Will.

"All right." Will replied, pulling on his good green waistcoat. He grasped the thick gold buttons and buttoned them one at a time.

Augustus's eyes followed Will's preparation as he looked up from the bed.

"That looks good," he encouraged.

Will fumbled, and a gold cufflink slipped from between his fingers and bounced onto the floor. He felt a heated blush rise in his cheeks as he bent down to retrieve the link, grateful he was out of his sight. Augustus couldn't have even a hint of how he really felt! But what would be a normal way to react?

He leaned back up and could see Augustus look at him from his mirror. The attention made him anxious all over again.

His mouth seemed to go dry as he spoke. "Th--thank you." he replied, now fussing with the link.

When he knelt down and shuffled around in the bottom of his wardrobe seeking his new winter boots, he heard Augustus's feet approach him.

After carefully putting them on, he stood back up.

He brushed his hair quickly, tied it back, and looked in the mirror once more.

"Something's missing..." he pondered aloud, tapping his chin as he thought.

He stood up on his tip toes, and selected a black velvet hat with a large cream-coloured feather to complete the look. But he still felt insecure when he observed himself in the mirror again.

"I look ridiculous." he sighed, turning to Augustus.

"No! It's the latest style." he pointed out. "I think you look splendid! You just want to make a good impression."

"So, are you excited?" Augustus asked.

"More nervous, actually." Will admitted, looking into the mirror yet again.

"I'm sure you don't have anything to worry about." he cheerfully said, putting a hand on Will's shoulder as he too, stared at the reflective

surface.

Will paused, using the mirror to look into Augustus's pretty eyes, feeling his hand on his shoulder.

But then he refocused.

Sarah. Everything was supposed to be about Sarah.

He averted his eyes. Augustus removed his hand, and the moment ended.

"Well, have you ever done this before?" Will asked, now fussing with his jacket to make sure the hem laid property. "Have you got any advice?"

"Never seriously courted, but I fancied this girl Claire. When I first met her, I liked her right away and hoped she'd fancy me too."

"What happened?"

"Well, first I decided to just...go for it. I thought, what's the use of not telling her I like her? What if I miss a chance? I'm sure plenty of boys would like her. Why can't it be me?"

"After a few days, she said she liked me too and it was easy: she was pretty, and we always had fun. Nothing really serious happened. We kissed, but that was all. Mostly, anyway." he added with a playful smirk. "We talked and spent time together. But after a few months, we decided to be...just friends."

He paused and grew a bit more serious.

"Maybe romance could be there already, and you just have to take chances to see if it works." Augustus smiled and shook his head, reading the

rather blank expression on Will's face. "That's how it felt with her, anyway."

"Maybe that's how it'll feel for you with Sarah. I know that's not particularly good advice, but..." he shrugged, unsure of his role in this endeavor. "that's all the experience I have to offer."

"No, that was fine." Will assured him, smoothing out his breeches. "Thank you." he turned from the mirror.

He exhaled slowly as he left his bedroom. He was frustrated as he tried to ignore every word he'd just heard. Augustus had fancied a friend before and just...went with it, throwing caution to the wind. He sighed, and held his jaw as tightly as he held his new feelings. He'd never be that brave.

The irony of Augustus's attitude was too much. He pushed the thought aside and tried to appear normal.

"It was good advice." Will assured him as they made their way down the stairs, nodding his head. "I'm just still nervous."

"Don't be; she'll adore you! And just in case she doesn't, I think you're brilliant." he grinned and clapped Will on the shoulder as he turned towards the door.

~*~

Sarah's family didn't live far away; their ride was little more than a half hour, but with all the unnerving anticipation, it felt much longer.

"Are you feeling all right?" Margaret asked as they rode along. She had been growing concerned. Will had spent the last fifteen minutes silently staring out the window and anxiously tapping his fingers against the seat.

"So nervous." he admitted as he looked to his mother, shuffling his feet as the carriage pulled him closer and closer to this new part of his life.

"Don't worry." she fluttered with a reassuring smile. "She'll adore you; who wouldn't?" she grasped his hand for a moment as she sat across from him.

"Thank you, but still..." he sat back and looked out the window, unsure of what to say.

Ever since his wildly inappropriate dream, he'd been distracted, half-aware of his surroundings.

He watched as trees and frost passed by. White and green, green and white mixing over and over.

"Well, we've chosen her carefully. Her father's very successful, her mother's a delight. You do trust me, don't you?" she looked at Will with an arched eyebrow.

Will felt a sudden pang of anxiety. In general, he trusted his mother. But his parents hadn't said a word on just how serious they were about his upcoming relationship with Sarah.

He quickly showed approval: "Of course I do." he nodded, flashing a tepid smile

"Splendid. Oh, look, we're here!" she clasped her hands, eager for this moment to arrive as they approached the front gate.

They pulled up to the house and the horses slowed to a stop.

"This is it." Margaret tittered with a grin, gracefully rising to her feet.

She paused, taking a deep breath and smoothing out her champagne-coloured dress. She squared her shoulders and held her head high as she was helped out of the carriage by their coachman.

"Margaret." Sarah's mother chirped, smiling as she greeted her with a polite handshake.

"Natalie." Margaret cooed demurely, clasping her hands. "How good to see you again."

Will paused, nervous. When he got out of the carriage, a new part of his life would officially begin. He took a deep breath and stood up straight. He carefully placed his boots onto the frosted ground.

Sarah's mother was fair and elegant. Her blonde hair was pinned up and her light blue dress matched her eyes. Her smile felt like a warm sunrise. It gave Will comfort amid all his uneasy feelings.

"And you must be William." she brightly said, turning to Will. "Lovely to meet you."

"Likewise." he replied, shaking her hand, hoping he didn't just smudge her silk glove.

"Oh, do come in." she brightly encouraged, turning towards their large home. It had two stories spread over an acre.

Their front yard had gardens which were divided by a stone walkway that led to the front door. Even though the space was currently covered in frost and ice, Will could imagine that the area would be quite pretty in bloom.

Thick hedges neatly outlined the garden space on either side of the path, which had flower bushes currently sporting frosted branches, unable to bud. A stone fountain on his right served as a centerpiece for that side. A cherub gracefully floated upwards, pushed by a curling burst of clouds. Four streams of water elegantly crossed paths, shooting across the fountain in perfect arcs with the little angel floating above it. The water in the fountain was mostly frozen, and the arcs splashed upon it, unable to break the ice.

Will turned his attention to meeting Sarah when they approached their Grand Foyer. The tiles shone in the steady candle light from a pair of gold sconces on the far wall.

"Sarah should be down momentarily." Natalie informed them, as they waited together for arrive from her room.

"Would you care for a drink?" Natalie politely asked.

"I'm fine, thank you." Will replied. He nervously looked about. He didn't sit, but chose to slowly pace, hands clasped behind his back. The wait to meet Sarah had lifted his anxiety again. He had a lot riding on whether or not he'd be attracted to her. He hoped he would be.

That would make his life much easier. Augustus would be just his friend again. His sensual dream would fade from his memory, and hold no meaning.

Will's nerves had been turning over in his mind so long that he was almost tired of them, but they spiked once more as he heard the click of new shoes and looked up.

There was Sarah, slowly descending their curved mahogany staircase.

She was an absolute vision!

Clear eyes, a bright complexion. The shiny amber orb glinted like a beautiful sunset, crossing Will's view as the sun moving past the sky.

The soft hues of pink and amber mixed pleasantly. Will had a moment--she looked amazing! Maybe he would like her.

He looked up at her. "Pleased to meet you." he said and bowed slightly.

"You as well." she replied, flashing a radiant smile as he took her hand to guide her down the last few steps.

"Well look at that!" Natalie happily exclaimed, clasping her hands as the young pair approached her. "Aren't you just a vision together."

"Ooh," Margaret purred adoringly. "Looking like a couple already." she was genuinely happy her son had finally met Sarah. She wanted good things for him. She wanted him to have a good wife who was kindly and beautiful. Sarah had a lovely demeanour, one she hoped would match Will's.

As they all entered the parlor together, Will actually felt comfortable there. The room had a light pink hue, creating a soothing effect. The silken white tapestries against the pink walls had gold accents. This pretty room gave a pleasant atmosphere.

Sarah was a bit nervous, but calmed her nerves by remembering her objective: she was to be charming and sweet, coy and friendly. The four of them perched on two couches facing one another.

As Will sat next to his mother he also tried to focus. Sarah was now slated to be the object of his affection.

Yet, he hardly recalled a word. There was polite chatter, a few humorous quips. He smiled and nodded, faking his way through forty-something minutes of platitudes and anecdotes.

But he got restless, and an image from his dream last night resurfaced. He panicked.

"Would--would you excuse me for a moment?" he begged the women. "I need air."

"No trouble at all." Natalie said with a smile. Will leapt from his seat and dashed outside.

Cold arcs of water streamed over his face, but the images with Augustus didn't stop.

He wailed when he broke the ice and shoved his bare hands into the freezing cold water. He dunked his face in as thin shards of ice clung to his hair.

He was trying to forget.

~*~

Met Sarah today. While she was pretty, cordial and charming, there were no new affections in my heart or mind.

I will not write of my visite for long. I barely re-call what was said but I do know that I am not overwhelmed with romantic emotions. Alas, this did not happen. Yet. I'm still clinging to hope.

I remember a few things: her family likes to travel and she has been well-educated. They were polite to me and I recall all the conversation going well, but don't really remember what anyone said. I was too distracted; too nervous.

But still, with goode looks and similar life experiences, that should be enough, or at least a start, for people who are basically put together.

But I felt no rush, no immediate spark. Sarah, who I'd just met for the first time in my life, didn't make me feel anything. And yet, the first time I'd seen Augustus after three years, even though I've seen him since we were little, felt intriguing, captivating. I am at a loss.

My dream last night made every-thing worse. I know it's not real and I know it's not right, but it wasn't just what we'd done--it was that he wanted me. Of all the times for my feelings to take over, this was the worst. So much for not being a sensual pursuit.

If my feelings for her are not here and are still for Augustus for another fortnight, I might tell some-one. But I can-not think who. No family members: Lily, as Uncle Deus, is too close to my parents, and they would be so disappointed, or even upset! Though I have friends I doubt they would properly understand.

What am I to do? I don't imagine I'll stop feeling this way anytime soon; which is why I need to ask for help.

Sometimes though, I feel confused about how he feels about me--I already know he cares about me and we have taken to many long hours together. Sometimes we'll read or write, sometimes we'll talk for hours and he never seems to tire of it.

It's so confusing! In one way, I like all his attention. In another way, I'm terrified of being alone with him for so long--what if I say or do something I shouldn't?

Adoring Augustus when I'm supposed to be swooning over Sarah is not easy. I must now do two things I hate: lie, and hide my feelings.

He frowned, disconcerted. He closed his eyes and sighed, locked his journal up and slid it across his desk.

~*~

Sarah was having her own difficulties after their meeting.

Will was very nice. But he didn't exactly sweep her off her feet. She knew that wouldn't happen overnight. He was good-looking, polite and friendly, but it was too soon to envision being happy with him.

Once she admitted that there wasn't an immediate attraction, she faced a brand-new obstacle:

Will had competition.

That first moment she saw James, something within her just...changed. She distinctly remembered his impression, just by his appearance, before they ever spoke: his long hair, his warm grey eyes and his graceful, well-defined figure. Her feelings only got stronger as she got to know him. He was hard-working and always polite. He was occasionally friendly, when it was appropriate. He made sure to keep his place at all times, as it was an essential function of his job.

After noticing him, Sarah honestly had been hoping Will would make a bigger impression on her and simplify this situation. But he didn't.

She wasn't clear how James felt about her. She occasionally noticed he'd look at her, then quickly look away again. And last week, as he was helping her out of her carriage, he held her hand for just a moment too long.

The next morning after she'd met Will, she started to try and take control of this situation. Her first task was to talk with James more to determine how she truly felt about him so far. Maybe he was just good-looking, and they had little in common. That would make it relatively easy to brush him off and focus on Will.

She strode up to him that afternoon as he was settling the horses back in their stables. She had to pick a situation where he was actually doing something other than just talking with her. She couldn't be too obvious; she had to make nonchalant conversation.

"There we are, see?" James sweetly cooed at one of their newer horses, Nora.

"Told ya you were hungry." he held out a fresh carrot for Nora to nibble on and petted her mane and snout while she ate.

"She likes you."

James heard a fluttery voice and turned. There stood Sarah, wrapped in her new winter cloak, a thick layer in a lovely forest-green.

"Hello Miss. Yes, she's been improving, but slowly."

"I noticed she's been a bit skittish." she remarked, approaching then. "My parents wanted to take her in. I believe she was being mistreated where she lived before, poor thing."

"That would explain it, Miss. She's sensitive to handling; wouldn't come near me for weeks. I've finally gotten her in stalls, she was too nervous. Haven't been able to do much work yet. She needs to trust me first."

"Why wouldn't she want to be in the stall?" she asked, face scrunched up in confusion.

"Since she was mistreated before, she wouldn't feel safe being a small area if she doesn't trust us. I'm very glad we've come as far as we have."

"Seems you've done well so far."

"You're too kind, Miss." he replied, shaking his head. Nora finished her carrot, so James tossed the greens into a nearby bucket.

"No, you did well, and I appreciate it. Do you enjoy working with animals?"

"Yes, Miss. I've had a knack for it, actually."

She turned to the horse. "Have you been a good girl, Nora? I'm sure." she confidently stepped forward to pet her mane, but Nora stepped back.

"Oh, have I upset her?" Sarah turned to James, worried.

"Oh, no Miss, she's just not used to you yet. Move slowly."

"Nora," he called patiently. "She won't hurt you," he assured the horse.

"Here," he took Sarah's hand and put it upon his own, as he slowly petted Nora, maintaining eye contact. Then he slipped his hand back slowly so Nora was now only being petted by Sarah, but looking at James.

"It worked!" Sarah exclaimed brightly. She beamed at the sweet creature before her. The grey mare had a lovely white mane and almond brown eyes. She wasn't friendly just yet, but her trust of humans was certainly being re-cultivated.

"You're so clever!" She turned to James. She was impressed.

"Oh, it's nothing, Miss." he admitted, shaking his head.

"Well, keep at it." she encouraged him. "You've got a gift." She smiled and slowly walked off.

James clearly had talent. He had worked so hard to nurture a sweet horse who had been abused. He just gently worked his way up to her. It was remarkable and compassionate. This was wonderful! Perhaps he could make a career out of it; help animals in need.

So then why did she care more about how it felt to touch his hand than his impressive accomplishments?

She had to admit to herself: when he had put their hands together so confidently, she felt something. Something special, and new. They had touched hands before, yes. But that was only for official assistance he was allowed to give her. This was done by choice. She didn't think it would affect her so much. She definitely wasn't used to these kinds of feelings.

She still didn't know if James shared deeper aspects of their personalities, but the invigorating rush she got was a sign that she was definitely attracted to him. She was now on a cusp, caught between Will and James.

Brushing it off was no longer an option.