Chapter 13: Designs on Sarah

April

A few days later, the boys discussed their situation. Excitement arose quickly, but Will started to stress over what would happen if his parents found out. Augustus was nonchalant about anyone noticing the situation.

Will, on the other hand, was thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong.

"Yes, but I'm not trying to amorously persuade your parents, I'm--" Augustus took hold of Will's shoulder and turned him back from his nervous pacing to resume eye contact. "I'm trying to amorously persuade you." He smoothly cooed, with a gentle stroke of his cheek.

Will looked at Augustus, mesmerized by his beautiful green eyes. He was there, he was ready and waiting for his affection. Will wanted to kiss him so much, hold him close...

But his eyes snapped to the door. Where were his parents right now?

"Do you notice how serious they are about plans with Sarah?" He asked.

"Yes, but I don't care." Augustus shrugged. All Will had to do was say nothing about it and go to boring meetings with Sarah. Wasn't that it?

"I'm obligated to them. They're my family. I have to at least go along with what they say, and hope they don't notice this." He sank down onto a nearby couch.

"I'm sure they can't be that serious about her already." Augustus replied, leaning on the couch.

"Actually, they are." Will paused, weighing the consequences of revealing the dreadful schedule he'd discovered weeks ago. It still haunted him.

"All right." He began in a hushed tone. "I found something, a few weeks ago. I found this schedule...they've planned out dates for meetings, an engagement, they want a wedding-"

"They know when they want you to get married?!" Augustus cried, shocked.

"Shh!" Will sharply hissed, nervously glancing at the door.

He leaned into Augustus cautiously. "Yes. Their commitment to this is serious! And now, I have to hide being with you."

Augustus's hand snapping to his hip. "I'm sorry, is my interest in you suddenly a burden?"

"No, but--"

"You know, if you don't want to be with me, just say so." Augustus began to stalk towards the door.

"Wait," Will grabbed his wrist as he started to walk away. "I really do want to be with you; I'm sorry. I'm just...scared."

"Of what?" Augustus came back and sat beside Will.

But he sounded as though he'd already been defeated as he stared at the floor. "Everything, everyone. It all feels like pressure right now. I think judgment is what I'm dreading." He looked over at Augustus. He couldn't let his fear control his life. What kind of a life would that be?

"But I really want to be with you and I think about it; all the time. And to be completely honest, I do think it's worth it. And we can keep it to ourselves alright."

Augustus smiled in response.

"Actually, I don't think you're worth it." Will paused and shook his head, as Augustus looked confused and mildly offended again.

He smiled at him. "I know you're worth it."

"You mean that?" Augustus asked, eyes shining.

"Wouldn't say it if I didn't." Will replied, grinning.

Augustus made no reply. Words would do nothing here. Words weren't enough.

He just kissed him instead.

~*~

Two days later, Sarah looked out her bedroom window, and watched Will & his mother pull up. Lydia had already done her hair & her seamstress had finished adjusting her new dress, another original design. She also noticed James leading Nora up from the pasture.

Why can't you be the boy coming to call, looking to impress me?

She was more attracted to him than ever. Her sultry dream in Italy brought out the depths of her feelings.

They were mostly charged by a physical interest, yes, but now she wanted to connect to his mind, know more about his life, his goals. She knew it might be considered odd or silly to pine after a servant, but that didn't change how she felt.

Besides, she wasn't getting anywhere with Will. She could tell there was some reason Will wasn't interested either. Was there another girl he'd already set his sights on? He seemed a little uncomfortable. He was so nervous and quiet she could barely pretend she liked him.

Even though she was sixteen now she still didn't feel old enough to be engaged to him. Would this marriage sell what was left of her childhood?

Granted, she wanted to be with James. But she certainly wasn't ready to marry him. The choice wasn't hers and the expectations just added more pressure.

As much as she knew her parents loved her, she was pushed into adulthood and this relationship so quickly that both felt forced and unnatural.

But this was a tide she couldn't stop.

In less than ten minutes, another meeting with Will and their mothers was well underway.

"Well, I'm hoping you'll get used to each other and more comfortable with the idea of being together." Natalie cheerfully proposed.

"We can...only hope." Will replied, hiding behind a tepid smile. He absolutely hated the largely pointless conversations he was forced into. He had to pretend he liked a girl. She, and her parents were very nice people, but he still felt on display & under pressure.

"Yes, I'm sorry we've only met a few times thus far--oh, thank you." Natalie said to a servant as he brought over a silver tea set and platter of scones. He carefully placed it on the table between the four of them. He poured them each a cup of tea, nodded in reply and stepped back, returning to his station.

"We just got back from Italy earlier this week. We had a lovely time." Natalie gushed, spooning sugar into her tea.

"Oh really," Margaret replied curiously, taking a scone. "Where in Italy?"

"Naples," Sarah proudly replied, beaming. "Their culture is remarkable!"

"Margaret," Natalie said, after a sip of her tea. "You would not believe the fashions there! Those women are the cutting edge! Puts us Brits to shame, really!" She said with a fluttering chuckle reminiscent of her daughter's. She set down her tea, and nibbled politely on a scone.

Sarah grinned excitedly. "One of my favourite pieces I bought was this amazing silk fabric. It's the most interesting shade of a peach-orange with just a hint of pink. We're taking it to my dressmaker this week. I actually designed how I want this dress to look! I got inspired by all the paintings I saw there. Mrs. Garnett, I thought you might be interested."

She leaned back and picked up a large sketchbook with a black leather cover and thin, cream-coloured pages.

She proudly held her pastel drawings out for the older women. They oohed and aahed as Sarah paged through each design of her collection, occasionally noting which materials and colours she'd use for each piece.

After the women went through it, Will accepted the book and leafed through it, thoroughly impressed with her talent. Page after page was filled with brightly coloured ensembles. Her newest springtime frock had a silken emerald green skirt with gold trim along the edges and flowing layers of off-white petticoats peeking out from beneath. The bodice top was gold & adorned with matching green ribbons, plus a shift with the same cream-coloured hue. Ruffles adorned the neckline and wrists.

"Very nice work." He complimented, handing it back. "I didn't know you drew."

"Mostly fashion designs, really. Probably very boring." She chuckled good-naturally, folding it up with care and placing it in the couch beside her.

"I'm not one for fashion, but I can appreciate the artistry of it. You clearly have talent."

He wondered: did that sound like flirting? Or just a compliment?

"Thank you!" She replied, beaming. "Although I'm nothing compared to the some of the women in Italy! They have such fashion because they're so creative. They make art of all kinds: paintings, frescos, marble sculptures, even architecture. It was almost too much at once, at was everywhere. What was your favourite piece, mother?" She asked, eager to chat with the other women.

The women clucked on, gossiping about art and fashion. Will was terribly bored, but it was better than the alternative of joining their nominal conversation. He hated having to mask his disinterest in her.

But this was just the beginning--more meetings, probably some formal parties and an engagement. Yes, both their parents were expecting then to engage and marry.

Margaret clearly saw this courting as a business deal. Yet, why would she agree to reduce something as multifaceted and emotional as marriage and being in love to a matter of property, legacy and money? Was she cynical about romance?

In a very extreme comparison, this arranged marriage was almost like an acceptable version of prostitution--money for sex. But it was acceptable because the sex was for children, not pleasure.

Taken lightly, it was inconsiderate matchmaking.

The crux of Will's distaste for the whole situation mirrored Sarah's: the choice was not his.

Margaret had set her sights on Sarah for him. His parents assumed he'd be infatuated and have designs on her, which would conveniently result in legacy via grandchildren.

He didn't have that desire, though. Even if he liked girls, he might not have liked her. But his parents didn't care.

Watching his mother be so delighted in this trivial talk, and paying no attention to the interaction between himself and Sarah--how they were feeling about the arrangements thus far, how well they got along, what they had in common, anything--he made a heartbreaking realization: his parents didn't care about his happiness. This was for their money and status.

In what felt like a last-ditch effort, he reviewed Sarah again, just in case he would find a new point of interest. She was pretty, kind, and they shared background & had some similar interests. Like Will, she was well-educated, wealthy and intelligent. She clearly loved new ideas, history and culture. She seemed to be a good person in general. But there was still...nothing.

He wondered: if there were a boy with her exact personality, would he be interested? He was very frustrated with himself.

His lack of attraction to her by virtue of being female was a large issue based on a very simple fact. He tried to force himself to see past it, but as with anyone his age, physical attraction was a necessity for a serious relationship, especially one resulting in marriage.

That kind of feeling was either there, or it wasn't. Marriage naturally meant having children. Having children began with conception. How would he endure that with no attraction? Would he even be able to get her pregnant if he wasn't attracted to her?

Sitting across from her, he also wondered if she had any interest in him. Or did she feel just as put-upon by her parents as he did? He assumed she preferred boys, but what about him specifically? He felt that would make her role in their predicament arguably easier than his own.

Besides, as far as he knew--which wasn't much, due to a severe lack of interest--women, during the process of conception were expected to behave as usual. Let the man take the lead & be perfectly content with anything he offers you. Don't ask for more and always put his wants, needs, and comfort above your own.

In something which was supposed to be natural, there were an absurd amount of rules.

Could he simultaneously respect her but also treat her that way? It made him extremely uncomfortable, even just thinking it over.

Yet after that particular ordeal, he may be able to get through a life as her husband, but he knew he wouldn't really be happy.

He looked past the women and saw the servant standing obediently by the door, awaiting any orders. Would he be expected to live this lavishly too? He was never fond of his mother's materialism and collection of servants. Ever since Augustus had given him perspective, it almost seemed wrong. He looked around and saw things that were nice, but didn't suit him.

Creating a family with Sarah. The task of casually ordering other people around. The rules and etiquette and expectations were all staring him down. And if he didn't want these things, he was ungrateful, or wrong.

But he wasn't ungrateful, he was uncomfortable leading this picturesque life. And his future work life felt equally unappealing.

~*~

To-day I was let down. We've just gotten back from Sarah's and I've spent another hour bored as the women clamour on about things which hold no interest with me. It's not just the fashion talk. It's that this is how I'm supposed to be spending my life, only a yeare or so from now. My mother has diss-appointed me today. She is certain what I 'need' and what is 'best' for me, but she doesn't actually care! Watching her ignore myself and Sarah today, I quick-ly learned that it's all about her ulterior motives. As I've oftene repeated, Sarah is lovely, but she's not for me.

But now it is clear: my mother only cares about her own wants and needs. My true wants and needs are un-important because they fail to fall in line with what she deems is 'best' for me. Why would she betray me like this?! I now officially resent them. They've been all right, but I've abided by them--with the considerable exception of secret-ley being with Augustus, of course. But I'm done being nice. They have deceived me, and I plan on doing so in turn.

~*~

That night, Margaret paced back and forth in the master bedroom.

"Something," She claimed to Francis, "something isn't right. Will had no interest in Sarah. You should've been there today. He barely said two words to her. He's seemed so distracted lately. And according to Marcus, on Wednesday he came back from town an hour and a half later than he said he'd be with..." she halted her pacing as she realised:

"Augustus! Augustus is distracting him! I see the two of them, always together, practically ignoring everyone else. How can Augustus possibly hold more of his interest than Sarah?"

Francis sighed at his wife's worries. He took off his spectacles and set down the book he had been reading.

"He is surely nervous and nothing else. Must you women fret over everything?"

He explained as he picked up his small glass of brandy. "Think of it: our son is starting on two of the biggest endeavors of his life. He is acquiring the two most important things a man is to have: a woman, and his work."

He finished off his nightcap and set the glass aside. He got up and approached his wife to reassure her.

"He only fights it because he does not want to be responsible yet." He continued, arm around his wife's shoulder, leading her to their bed. "He is fighting to stay as a child, and Augustus is a part of that. He needs time to see that." They settled back in bed, he smoothed out their sheets and large blanket.

"Apprehension is natural," he added, now fluffing his pillow. "We have provided him with a perfectly fine future, he simply needs to face it. No more of this fussing, he is fine. Come, let's to bed, shall we?"

Margaret said nothing more on the matter and laid next to her husband. She curled around him, and drifted off to sleep, after he gently stroked her hair to calm her.

But deep in her mind she knew there was something else happening.

She just couldn't see it yet.

~*~

Sarah woke up the next morning still feeling restless and realised if James couldn't join her daily activities, she'd find a way to join his, more then just a chat here or there. She needed more time with him to see if they really were a match.

She pondered it, looking out her window again. James was giving the horses fresh morning hay. It was perfect!

She busied herself with dressing and rushed downstairs.

"Mother." She began as she took her seat at breakfast. "I was wondering--I think I'd like to learn to ride horses."

"That sounds like a good endeavour. We could hire a trainer, if you'd like."

Sarah paused. She hadn't even thought about that. "Before spending that much money maybe...James could teach me? Just to see if I like it first."

"Only so long as it won't interfere with his other duties." She agreed before sipping her tea. "Very well."

"Oh, thank you!" Sarah was excited, but suddenly couldn't help feeling slightly guilty. This was an innocent front for her not-so-innocent pursuit of James.

"Do you think I should have a riding outfit first?" She continued, buttering her bread.

"Well, of course you'd need a proper riding habit. It's a simple design, so we won't need your dressmaker. Lydia should have no trouble making it." She replied with a nod.

After breakfast, Sarah found Lydia. Forty-five minutes later, they had cloth and patterns strewn before them, as Sarah picked out material and chose her desired fit.

"You'll need a sturdy texture that can take a little dust, or won't rip in case you fall." Lydia explained. They decided on a brown wool, and Lydia took her measurements and smoothed out each piece of thick fabric as she laid them together.

For the next three days, she was sewing and measuring, adjusting and re-adjusting until it got the completed look Sarah sought.

~*~

"It's perfect!"

It was the afternoon of the fourth day and Sarah stood, observing her reflection as she turned this way and that in her mirror, hoped James would be impressed.

She smoothed out her hair and gently put on a white lace-trimmed cap to keep it back. She wasn't used to such a simple style with the plain brown wool.

But this was an investment, she reminded herself, buttoning the gold buttons along her jacket. She wasn't used to a skirt that didn't touch the floor, but knew she'd be safer that way.

As she exited the house she paused for a second.

"You can do this." She whispered to herself, suddenly nervous. What if James didn't like her in the same way? What if he didn't want to teach her to ride?!

She pushed the thought aside, stood up straight and confidently strutted up to him.

"James," she brightly chirped.

"Oh hello Miss--Sarah." He corrected, brushing Nora's mane.

"What do you think?" She stood back so he could admire her Equestrian-themed ensemble. The look was completed with her new riding boots. They were dark red, and shone in the early spring sunlight.

His eyes scanned her and he tried to be casual. "Quite lovely, but, what is it for?"

"Well, I've been thinking...can you teach me about horses? I want to learn how to ride."

"Really?" James raised his eyebrows in surprise. "How did this come about?"

She paused, realising she hadn't made up a good alibi. "Oh, well, I just wanted to learn something new." She replied, shrugging. "You like them, so I thought perhaps I'd like them too."

"All right." He agreed, setting his brush aside and stood up. "What do you know about horses so far?"

"Honestly? Nothing. Well, nothing yet." She added, hoping to sound confident.

"How would you like to start?"

And so Sarah and James spent many tepid spring mornings learning about horses. After teaching Sarah about how horses act and the best ways to appeal to and train them, she was ready to ride for the first time.

It was a mid-April morning and Sarah was a bit nervous.

"Do you think I'm ready to ride?" She asked, fidgeting with her buttons.

"Do you feel ready?" James asked, saddle in hand.

"As ready as I think I'll be."

He chuckled. "All right then. This," he began "is your saddle." He carefully buckled the saddle under Nora and adjusted all the straps and buckles until it was secure.

"So, mount it carefully," he explained, helping lift her up and waited for her to adjust her skirts. He made sure her feet settled in the stirrups properly.

"Hang on here," he instructed, guiding her to the pommel, "and make sure she's listening to your signals. How do you feel?"

"Excited...a bit nervous." She said, sitting up straight as she clutched the reins.

"Nora's been doing a lot better." He assured Sarah. "She's more trusting than she had been before. Give the reins a bit of a pull, like we practiced, and she should start. Remember, go slow: begin with a simple walk."

Sarah pulled the reins slightly and Nora began to move. Sarah had only ridden in carriages, never on horseback. The sensation was intriguing. Off she went, side-saddle.

She felt...strong, yet still graceful as Nora took slow, ladylike steps in a circle around the pasture.

"This is the start of her natural gait." James reminded Sarah as he walked along with them. "The next level is a trot, then a canter, and then a gallop, but we can get to all that later. I just want you two to be comfortable with each other before we try anything too complex. She has to get used to you just as much as you have to get used to her. But she has made great strides in trust and you're doing very well so far to help with that."

Sarah beamed, proud and excited.

~*~

"Well, this was quite something!"

It was forty minutes later, and Sarah eased down off on Nora and the three slowly reapproached the stables as they chatted about Nora's progress.

"That's the thing about horses-they're loyal to a fault." James explained, feeding her a fresh apple once they arrived at her stall.

"They follow what their owners want, even if it gives up their comfort or safety."

"A rather unsettling thought." Sarah mused, watching Nora nibble on her treat.

"Well luckily, your parents saved her from that. I had to coax her for weeks. I couldn't even put her in a stall. She was too scared when I tried. So I trained her in the pasture and finally got her in a stall after a few weeks."

"How did you get her to trust you?" Sarah asked.

"I was patient." He immediately replied. "I gave her treats and extra affection when she did a task well, and redirected her when she resisted a task. I never raised my voice, never pulled or pushed her hard. I never hit or whipped her once. I always groomed and fed her. I made sure all her equipment fit properly so she was comfortable, and made new ones if they didn't fit anymore. I would imagine it's much like raising a child."

"That was a lot of work. You really do have a lot to be proud of. I wasn't just trying to flatter you. I meant what I said. You're talented."

~*~

It had been two weeks and Sarah had done well with her daily riding lessons. But after another half hour of daintily rounding the pasture, she looked out beyond their current route.

"Suppose I want to ride out further, not just doing show-riding or dressage. How would I do it?"

"What do you mean?" James asked, looking up at her.

"Let's say I wanted to ride Nora to go somewhere on my own, to travel. Would I need a different saddle to do that? Or do I have to hold the reins a different way?"

"Unm....no," James said awkwardly. "If you want to ride for transport, you have to ride differently. You would have to ride...astride." He said in a slightly quieter tone.

"Astride?" She asked, puzzled.

"With one leg on each side." He explained.

Sarah gasped slightly. "I... I don't know if I would be allowed to do that."

"It could be part of your riding lessons," James reasoned. "it's just not common for women to practice."

"Well, I suppose I could..." She looked down and tried to think how she could arrange her petticoats in the most ladylike way possible while riding a different way.

"It's up to you." James gently replied. "If you want to do it, do it. I don't think we'll get in trouble or anything. It's just us."

"I want to try it." She said. "Would you do it with me?"

"I'd love to do it with you." James quickly agreed.

Carefully, she inched up her skirts and moved around until one leg was on each side of Nora. She settled down and felt a sort of exhilaration with Nora firmly under her, ready to set her free. "I'm ready." She whispered to herself.

James got up behind her on Nora. "I'll help steer you." He said, pulling her closer to him.

"But you're in control. Don't be intimidated. Take the reins." He put his hands over hers as she grasped the thick leather straps. "And just...go when you feel ready."

She did as he suggested and she signaled to change to a trot. She felt the breeze on her face as the house behind them disappeared. They went onto the grass, and began moving faster with James right behind her, his arms circling her waist! She loved sharing this invigorating feeling with him!

They stopped after a good half mile and James dismounted. He helped Sarah down and with all the exhilaration she nearly collapsed into his arms, laughing happily.

"What a rush!" She exclaimed, cheeks pink and heart pounding from sheer euphoria. "That was amazing!"

"You did very well for your first time." He assessed.

As she looked up into his soft grey eyes, she wanted to kiss him. But she didn't know how he'd react. She didn't know if her thumping heart was only from their ride or how much she just wanted to pull him close and kiss him.

Instead, she just smiled. He was gorgeous and charming. He wasn't much younger than her and seemed to enjoy her company. She wanted to be with him, she wanted to at least try.

How could she even begin to woo him?