Chapter 20: Double Standards

A few days later, Will feared he was losing an important ally. He and Lily were unexpectedly arguing about his relationship with Augustus, after finishing more accounting work together in the Drawing room.

"I just haven't decided how I feel about it yet." she insisted, smoothing out the paper they'd just finished.

"What is there to decide?" he asked, replacing the top on his inkwell. He looked at her, nervous.

"It seems unnatural so...I don't know yet." she shrugged. Why was he asking this much of her? Yes, he was family. She admired her brother. They had always been friends.

But sex and morality were much more complicated than that, and it almost seemed like he wanted her to just brush off such a brazen deviance.

Frustrated, Will slammed a book on the desk shut. He looked up at his sister, scowling in annoyance. "You would be called that too."

"Excuse me?" she bit as she abruptly stood from her seat on the couch, clearly aggravated as she glared at Will. She wasn't used to fighting with him, but this was serious. "I have never done anything like th--"

"Many people would consider your logical abilities to be 'unnatural.'" he leaped up from his seat.

"That is the exact term they'd use. You're a woman. As far as they're concerned, your only 'natural' interests should be cooking, sewing, and marrying a complete stranger as fast as possible. After being prepared to be the perfect wife, you'll get married by the time you're my age. From then on, you should be 'naturally' inclined and happy to have lots of children and spend your life raising them, adhering to the latest fashions and managing your servants. But," he glared at her with a hand on his hip, "none of that sounds like you, now does it?"

"I--I..." she faltered, shrugging again. "...suppose not."

"But me marrying Sarah, 'taking the business', having lots of children myself, spending my entire life living exactly like Mother and Father, that doesn't sound like me either, now does it?"

"This is completely different!" she protested.

"How?" he cried, throwing up his hands in fury. "Explain to me how it's different." he continued to glare at her, folding his arms in front of him.

"I have an ability that I'm supposed to waste to fit their mold. I'm good at something and they won't allow me to do it. Mine is unfair. Yours is about morality."

Her jaw dropped when he looked offended. "Will, for God's sake! You--you were...you and he--"

"I know!" he yelled, slamming a fist on the desk. "I know, all right?! You don't think I feel badly enough about this yet?" he yelled, stalking closer to her.

"Do you know how miserable it makes me to feel this guilty all the time? Do you know how scared I am of them finding out? I have no idea what they would do to me!"

She couldn't think of anything to say. She awkwardly shrugged, uncertain how to respond.

"And how would they treat Augustus, hmm? We don't know what they would do to him, either. Let alone what his parents might have to say about it. And you honestly think this is easier than your predicament?"

Her eyes widened. "You don't expect me to accept this right away, do you?!"

What?

This was Lily.

Lily, who had said to not apologise.

Lily, who had always been his friend.

Lily, who said it was all right...

"So you're going back on your word now?" he accused bitterly. "You said to not apologise, that it was all right."

"I didn't want to upset you." she retorted, glaring back, her voice steadily rising. "Will, I don't hate you! I am just feeling conflicted about something very serious you've done, and you can't blame me for that!" she stomped angrily, the heel of her new shoes clicking loudly against the floor.

"Shhhh!!" he hissed. "Anyone could hear you!"

Will wouldn't risk having this conversation go any further.

"You know what? Forget it. Judge me all you want, see if I care." he snatched the sheet off the desk and stomped to the door.

He grabbed the doorknob and flung it open, where he was greeted with Augustus innocently standing there, face scrunched up, clearly uneasy. He was there to see if Will was done yet, but had paused nervously when he'd heard them fighting.

"Will, wait I--" she dashed after him. "Please!"

He turned back, glaring again. "No."

As he stalked off, Augustus stood there awkwardly, staring at Lily. She swiftly grabbed her book and left, bustling past him to retreat to her room.

And there was nothing he could do.

~*~

But that night, Lily proved to her brother that whether or not she agreed with their relationship, she would still defend him.

They weren't being particularly pleasant to each other at supper. Will had little to say to her, and she didn't know how to express her misgivings about his current situation. Besides, they obviously couldn't discuss it there anyway. So the tension between them was bad enough, and his parents weren't helping either.

Because once again, Francis was insisting more work onto him after he'd given him the set they'd finished that afternoon.

"Surely this didn't take you four days." He said, shaking his head in disbelief. He was dismayed at the slow pace of Will's progress.

"Seven, actually. And five of them were spent utterly failing without help. The next two were spent trying to explain it to me in every way possible, with minimal results. You know Lily must've helped me."

"Lily isn't capable. You are capable. This is your place. You can't admit that you know how to do this?"

"Oh father, honestly, don't make a liar out of me." he coolly snipped, leaning back in his chair. His fight with Lily left him feeling more aggressive than usual. And he was getting more and more annoyed at his father's willingness to remain ignorant.

"That's it!" Francis snarled, slamming his fourth glass of ale on the table. Brown splashed onto white and

Margaret sighed, watching as cotton soaked up the thin liquid. The imported tablecloth she had bought just yesterday was stained already.

This was due to her husband's increasingly common overreactions to Will's disinterest. He shot up from his place at the head of the table and carelessly tossed his matching napkin aside.

"Get up." he commanded in a deep voice. His face had reddened, making his squat nose and heavy eyes even less pleasant than usual.

"You're serious?" Will exclaimed. Augustus put a hand on Will's arm, trying to stop him. He was getting concerned about Francis's reaction, and Will's tone was bordering on rude.

"Yes, I am serious. Now get up!" His eyes flashed with a dangerous blaze.

"Oh really?" he stood, but not to obey his father. He rose in aggression. This wasn't a punishment. It was now a challenge.

"I have had enough of you undermining me and disrespecting me at every turn." Francis declared.

"Yes, well that feeling is mutual." Will retorted, folding his arms across his chest. "You never listen to me or care about what I want. Your only concerns are for yourself. Am I supposed to be proud of you for thinking like that? I assume you'd prefer me to emulate your greed." he said with a condescending sneer.

Augustus's eyes widened as he stared at Will and his father, very concerned over the direction this argument was heading towards. He wasn't used to this stress, and anxiously twisted his napkin as he watched this scene unfold. The tension was clear: Will had had enough, and so had his father.

"How dare you!" he bellowed. He rampaged over to Will's place at the table, ready to strike him. He needed punishment. How else could he be taught to obey?

Just in time, Lily sprang up from seemingly nowhere, rushing between the two.

"Hit me!" she yelled in her father's face.

The entire room came to a screeching halt.

What was Lily doing?

"Hit me like you'd hit him." she dared, gritting her teeth.

"Hit me because there's no difference. Hit me because whether you strike at me or at him you are still raising a tyrannical hand to your own children."

Her eyes mirrored his as they blazed with defiance.

"So go on. Hit me."

This miraculously slowed Francis. At this tense interlude, his wife inched closer and stood next to him, pale and anxious.

"Francis, you promised you wouldn't hit the girls." Augustus raised his eyebrows and began to realise Will's father was prone to rage before this outburst.

Francis looked from his nervous wife to his furious daughter and sighed. He then turned his attention to Will.

"You are just lucky your little sister was here to save you, but believe you me." he lifted his face, retaining his superiority. "The next time you disturb and insult me in this way, I will strike at you as necessary."

Augustus burned with silent rage, so hard his hands were shaking. He personally vowed if this ever happened again, he would take Lily's place, every single time. No promises of leniency existed to protect him. Yet it was a sacrifice he would gladly make.

This moment was awful. Elizabeth was clearly upset, whimpering and looking away. Mary Beth fought back her own fear as she comforted the youngest child.

"It's all right," she stroked the hair of the youngest girl, trying to soothe both their nerves. "They're all right. They," she took a shuddering breath, rattled by the open hostility. "¹ju--just had a little misunderstanding."

"I'm done." Francis stiffly growled. He left the table.

The oldest boys and all the women were left disturbed by the abusive tension now out in the open.

Margaret felt sorry for Will. As much as she got annoyed with him from time to time, she preferred guilt trips to to bodily harm.

She went up to him. "Will." she softly started. "I--" she paused, trying to find her footing in uncharted waters of relating to her son.

She broke into a nervous smile. "I--I'm sure your father didn't mean it." she stroked his hair gently. They locked eyes. Margaret tried to shake off old demons as she stared at her son's worried expression. Things were getting too intense, so she chose to end the moment.

"Just," she concluded as she stood back, her tenderness now retracting. "Try to be more careful with your words next time." she held her head high again, and left the table to keep close tabs on her husband.

~*~

But later on that evening, Margaret approach Will alone. She had been debating what she should say to him.

She came up to him as he sat in the living room, staring out the window. The sun had set a half hour ago, leaving the sky dark; the moon having yet to show itself beyond the thick clouds. Tension hovered over the room as thunder slowly rumbled in the distance. A gentle rain pattered against the window, a fitting juxtaposition to the nearby crackling fire.

"I'm going to tell you something, and I'd like you to hear me out."

He turned from the window and saw his mother timidly standing there, pale and hunched over. He knew this wasn't a lecture or a reminder of her 'expectations'. Her hair was frizzy and there were bags under her eyes.

She was vulnerable.

"Alright." he replied with a nod.

"My father was not a kind man." she explained, sitting beside him. "And I'm trying very hard to stop your father from going down that path. But we all have to do our part to prevent that."

"So what am I to do?" he looked at her, hopeless. "Obey his every whim? Pacify him? Please, you've got to believe me, Lily could do it very well. I have absolutely no idea how to do the--"

"I know Lily can do it." she whispered, averting his eyes.

"You're serious?" his jaw dropped.

She replied with a confident stare: "Yes. I know she can."

His eyes widened. They'd been arguing over this for months, and she waited until now to say this?

"Then why not persuade father? You see how miserable we are with the current arrangement."

"I can't." she insisted, breaking eye contact again.

"You can." Will corrected in annoyance. "But you won't! Why not?!"

"He doesn't listen to me about the business. It's not my," she shrugged, "place as a woman."

"And you just give in? You have the ability to improve this, but you refuse to." he folded his arms, staring impatiently.

"What am I to do? We love each other, and this keeps him content. It's just easier this way." she claimed, looking at her son.

"Easier for you. But not for me. Or Lily. And if he won't listen to you, what kind of love is that?"

She stared out the window again, watching the heavy rain pattering against the window.

"I doubt you'd understand." she said with a wistful drawl.

"I understand perfectly." he replied. agitated. "You have the power to make this better, but refuse to because you're scared. How noble."

"How dare you!" she snapped as she sprang to her feet. "I was trying to be honest and here you are, just pouring salt right into my open wound! We all have our burdens. You know that." she growled.

"You need to do this, because if you refuse and he won't let Lily, our lives all fall apart. We can't do all the work ourselves forever. The hope for our family is for you to take over & she needs to marry well. Or we'll have nothing left, nowhere to go."

"And you can't stand the thought of being poor." he bitterly surmised.

"Again." she interjected sharply.

"What?"

"I grew up with very little and it was awful. Now I can have what I want, live conveniently, no fretting over how we'll pay the bills. I can finally relax and enjoy what we've earned. We do work very hard, and whether or not you believe it, we do a lot of it for you three."

"Which I appreciate. But when the time comes to defend us, or when I try to tell you what I want, we're enemies all over again. Why is that, you suppose?" he looked at his mother expectantly.

"You don't understand the pressure I'm under." she walked past him and approached the mantle place.

Will gave a hollow, bitter laugh. "Yes, because I'm under no pressure of any kind!"

But she seemed to not hear him. From the mantle, she picked up a crystalline glass globe with a bird figurine in the center. Its blue wings were spread wide, but it looked frozen in place, seemingly unable to take flight. The body was slim, and its eyes were open wide.

"My mother gave this to me before she died. We got on well, but my father and I seemed to always be at odds. I tried to be good but, well, we were both so stubborn, and..." she sniffled.

"What?" Will softly asked as he approached her.

She was quiet for a moment. She couldn't bear to explain any more. "Please just be good. Then we'll be happy with the lives we've made."

"Creature comfortable are not actual happiness." Will paused, and looked to his mother, sympathetically. He took the globe from her. He replaced in on the mantle and faced her directly.

"I--I am sorry you went through all that; you didn't deserve it, no one does. But how did it not teach you that you can make a change on your own, not just wait for someone else to do so, rely on a man, only follow his word, not your own ideas?"

Margaret was shook up by the accuracy of Will's assessment. Refusing to contemplate his truth further, she shook her head and deflected his comments rhetorically. "We all have our shortcomings, don't we?"

She paused and put her hand on his shoulder. He put his hand over hers. She stayed there for a moment, as they tried to comfort each other. Internally, she was struggling with the truths her son had pointed out--and how impractical they felt for her life.

She lightly kissed the top of his head, and walked away.

~*~

Another unlikely pairing came together that evening.

"Um, Lily?"

"Yes, I told you I'd--" she turned, surprised her brother wasn't the visitor in her doorway.

"Augustus...yes?"

"I wanted to come and thank you, actually. For tonight, of course."

"Oh, well, there's no need for--"

"There is," he interrupted her, but did so in a gentle tone. "You sacrificed yourself for him. Tried to, anyway.

And thanks are in order." he paused. "I'm a bit disappointed I didn't try so myself. I'm guessing I don't need to tell you how important he is to me."

"I know." she added with a gentle nod.

If he had a chance to smooth things over for Will and Lily, he'd take it.

"And I'm...I'm sorry if we've...offended you." he added quietly, looking away.

"I'm--I'm sorry too. Maybe I was too harsh on him before. I tried to tell him I'm feeling conflicted, but it came out all wrong and I've been feeling guilty about it all day." she confessed, rising from her small table.

"I'm still trying to understand this." she paused and thought.

"Maybe I should get to know you better. Find out what he sees in you." she smiled, and the two of them shared a peaceful moment.

"Thank you for trying, instead of just turning us away." he said, sitting across from her.

"Well, Will and I have always been best friends and he seemed happier once you came here, but still nervous a lot of the time. I think he's reluctant to talk to me about it. I think he's scared I'll judge him or something."

"So your opinion really matters to him."

"Of course. We're such good friends because we're not exactly alike, we challenge each other. Opposites attracting and all that."

"Sort of like that with us too," Augustus realized. "As in," he hurriedly added "opposites attracting. He's shy, and I'm not. He thinks things over a hundred times, I do something and sometimes don't think about it at all."

Lily giggled and smiled at Augustus.

~*~

As Lily and Augustus bonded, Will sat in his room, trying to make sense of the bewildering, troublesome evening.

To-day has been more confusing than ever. I know what Lily & I have been told to do, and how little it fits our true selves. Oh, my sweet Lily-pad! She was so brave. Girls are thought weak, but it protects them from strain or physi-cal harm. But their minds are to be kept just as docile. I haven't got to keep my mind restrained, but re-directed. Not words, numbers. Not boys, girls.

My mother did surprise me--she's had a troubl'd past, and I do feel badly for her. But why didn't it make her stronger? Why didn't it teach her to feel confident in her own opinions, that her feelings are valid? She attaches to one's 'place' so firmly. She traps herself with this belief, and it forces her to ig-nore all Lily has to offer--because she can't be honest with her husband, whom she says she loves? And that he loves her? I can believe they do, yet how do you love someone but not re-spect their mind? Everyone has their preferences, but a love without respect is nothing I'll ever want.

Each day reminds me of this, my 'place'. I hate to re-peat myself, but I have the same conventions facing me each day, so I think all the same thoughts over again.

I shall endeavor to change.

My mind has been made up--after months of the same worry, I shall en-list my Uncle's help. The time, my time, has come at last: I refuse to go with-out help any longer!

~*~

Moments later Augustus returned from his visit with Lily. He found Will changing for the evening. He laid on the bed, not bothering with changing yet.

"I made a decision." Will announced, laying next to him. "Next time we see Uncle Deus, I'm asking him to help us. Do you mind if I tell him?"

"Well, he's your Uncle so it's your choice. Are you nervous? Do you think he'll be upset?"

"I am a bit nervous, but it feels worth it. I'm tired of trying to be strong and stable. I'm tired of pretending I know how to get what I want and they want. Wa--wasn't being with Claire just...easier for you?" he asked, looking over at Augustus.

"Maybe it was," he replied with a casual shrug, "but I didn't feel pressured to be with Claire, and I'm not really worried about being with you. I fancied her, and I went with it. I realised I fancied you, and I went

with it. I don't see a difference, and I don't feel a difference. I guess I'm...fine either way."

Augustus paused. He hated that he even wanted to ask. But he had to.

"Do...do you want to be with Sarah?"

"Want to? Not particularly. Not like that, anyway." he admitted, shrugging again. 'She's a good person, but it doesn't feel romantic. Friendly, perhaps, but no real...attraction." he explained. He arose from his bed and started to change.

"I was just curious anyway." Will added, taking off his shift. "If the experience with her is any different than being with me, that's all."

"Being with Claire?"

"Yes."

"Well, you have very similar personalities, but the experience was different because I was back in the city. I had my other friends around, my parents were right there. It was easier 'cause it's expected I'd go with a girl. Telling my parents we were together was easy, my friends liked her. And sure, there was some romance..." he trailed off for a second, smirking, possibly at some memory of their flirty canoodling.

"But...this feels different. I can't begin to think about how I'd tell them about us. But...it wasn't really serious with her. I liked it, but after a while, being only friends made sense. No particular rhyme or reason to it. Just how it ended up."

Will nodded in reply. "Well, I'm glad you're with me now."

"Me too."

Will paused. "I'm sorry my parents are so awful."

"Not your fault. They have their way of doing things and it just...doesn't seem to suit you."

"Or Lily. She's so talented. I find arithmetic so...dull. But she loves it."

"I wish I knew how to get what I want and they want."

"I won't be any help obeying them," Augustus admitted, "but I'd rather you be happy then trying so hard to please them. I say, focus on what you want."