Chapter 14 -- Nightmare (13)

Athy walked down the quiet hallway, utterly alone.

The clacking of her heels felt like a ghost chasing behind her. Her slow walk became a run as if she was being pushed along by the sound. The skirt of her dress fluttered as she sprinted down the hall.

Suddenly, she felt her ankle give way. A moment later, there was a dull pain emanating from her palms and knees. When she came to her senses, she realized that she had fallen onto the white, marble, floor. She tried to stand, but her legs had no strength. The echo of her heels screeching against the ground rang painfully in her ears.

Her hands were shaking. No, her entire body was trembling. She had been clenching her fists so tightly that her fingernails had left marks on her palm. They hurt.

She could hardly remember how she had exited the banquet or made it down the hall. It was the first time she had felt that way. Never before had she received such cruel and piercing words.

It felt as though she couldn't breathe. Something rose up, out of her stomach and into her throat. What was happening to her?

"...Princess!"

She flinched at the sound of someone calling her. Urgent footsteps approached her. Soon, a voice joined the sound of her heaving breath.

"Princess Athanasia."

The person who acted as though he wasn't afraid of Claude's declaration: that anyone who called her a princess would be executed for treason. Knowing who it was that was calling for her, she turned away.

If I pretend that I can't hear them, will they go away?

She wondered as she felt that person staring down at her. For a moment, she thought her stubbornness had worked. They had moved. Then, she flinched, feeling a delicate touch on her ankle.

"Please excuse me for a moment."

Ezekiel moved carefully. Athy sensed that he was making sure she knew that she could run away if she found his touch unpleasant.

Unconsciously, she turned her head to look at him. Half of his face was illuminated by light while the other half was in shadow. Having dressed for Claude's birthday, Ezekiel looked more grown-up than when she'd seen him during her debutante. His run towards her had ruffled his typically neat hair.

Athy hadn't noticed before, but one of her heels had slipped off her foot when she fell. Ezekiel was holding it now and had, presumably, gotten it when he moved.

Gently, he slipped the heel back onto her foot. Despite what he had seen in the banquet hall, the way he spoke to her and the way he looked at her was so warm. Against her will, her resolve to suppress her emotions wavered.

A drop of liquid hit the marble floor. Ezekiel flinched at the sight of it. He lifted his head, and she could see his expression change. But the princess couldn't stop the tears that had begun to fall down her cheeks. All of it, just because he had treated her with a bit of kindness.

Ironically, Ezekiel's kindness only made her thoughts turn to the person who had hurt her. She knew now, what it was that had been missing in the last few weeks. When she realized it, however, she couldn't help but laugh at herself.

I'm feeling hurt because of Claude? Because he discarded me? Because he was so mean to me? That's why my heart aches? Why I'm crying?

She felt so stupid.

From the beginning, I was tricking him to survive. All of the time I've spent with him, I was living a lie just so that I could survive. What is this? What's become of me?

Without realizing it, she had opened her heart to him. She didn't want to believe that he had forgotten her, and she felt so afraid that he would never remember her. More than the fact that he might kill her, it was the idea that he would never treat her as he had before, which made her the saddest.

In her old life, she had always been alone. The days that she'd had to give something up far outweighed the days she'd gotten anything in return. Up until the day she had died, the idea of a happy life felt so out of reach. Wishing for it was like wanting to pluck the stars from the sky. No matter how desperately she wanted it, she'd told herself not to be greedy, to never reveal her desperation. It was the only thing she'd had to protect herself from the misery of it all.

That meant she could do it again. Athy could go on, even if Claude disappeared from her life. She could pretend that she had never had held him in her heart and that all the feelings she had for him weren't hers.

But the mere thought of him caused stabbing pains in her chest. She had been the closest person to him. But now, she was the most removed. But, being familiar with that sense of loneliness did not mean she was indifferent to it.

That's right.

The princess finally admitted.

From the time I learned that Claude had forgotten me, I have never been all right.

No matter how many times she'd tried to convince herself that she was okay, nothing had been right. She'd been lying to herself.

Athy had let herself drown, drunk on the gentleness and warmth that she was experiencing for the first time in her life. If she had never known that sweetness then, things would have been different now. Now there was no way out. Every day, she'd felt like dying. She couldn't stand the fact that she'd brought this onto herself. The detest Athy had for herself drove her crazy. No. She was not alright.

"Please don't look at me like that."

She had to be indifferent.

"I am not crying right now."

Because otherwise, she could not survive her situation.

"Yes. I did not see anything."

Ezekiel didn't mock her pathetic and worthless stubbornness. He averted his eyes and stayed with her in silence until her tears stopped. The white lights shining in the distance looked foggy, like a watercolor of rain in the night. Everything she saw blurred as if it were a dream. She felt like she was in a fishbowl.

I wish all of this would bubble up and disappear. Like a goldfish without gills, she felt as though she couldn't breathe. Frustrated, Athy closed her eyes.

The night was so long that it felt like it would never end.