What am I doing?

After saying that he couldn't give a friendship between Laila and Jake his blessing, Noah had left the room and was heading downstairs with the suitcases. He was bringing them to the car, while ignoring the tires underneath the suitcases in his anger, not placing them down even once or even considering pulling the suitcases along behind him as he was marching on. Noah had carried both of the suitcases in his arms, until it was time to place them in the trunk. Once he had placed them down and closed the lid of the trunk, doing so with an angry scowl and a frown on his face, he suddenly stopped moving. He stared at the distance for a moment, as he stood still, and asked himself, "What am I doing?"

Noah let out a deep sigh after asking this question, and calmly made his way back to the room where Laila was probably still waiting for him. As he was walking up the stairs, he was telling himself how he had just said that Jake would be the once causing problems between them, and before there was a friendship to speak of, their first argument because of him had already arisen. When he reached Maria's temporary room, he knocked on the wooden door frame. Laila turned around after wiping away a tear that had streamed down her face. Her eyes were still reddened when she looked at him and stared into his eyes, waiting for him to say something. Noah felt a little jab in his heart from seeing Laila like this. He was realizing that he had hurt Laila enough to make her cry, which had been the last thing he had intended to do. With a bit of lump in his throat Noah said in an apologetic tone, "Can I still come in?".

Laila nodded before she looked away. Noah grabbed the chair behind the small make-up table in the room and placed it right across from where Laila was sitting. He placed his arms on his knees, as his hands were intertwined in one another, forming a triangular shape. He lowered his upper body and looked up at Laila, who was facing down, in order to make eye contact. After letting out another small sigh, he said, "Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. I said some things I shouldn't have, and I apologize. But this is exactly what I was afraid of. That he would cause problems between us, that aren't there when he isn't in the picture. The thing I wanted to avoid, is the thing I allowed to happen. My intention isn't and wasn't to argue with you. I just wanted to spend some time with you, and I was looking forward to having you to myself again for a few days. But then all of this came up and the good mood we could have had, got ruined."

Laila now also looked up and could see the guilt Noah was feeling. It was clear that he wasn't happy about the current situation, probably never would be, but at least they had both realized that things had gotten out of hand, and he had taken the initiative to apologize for his part of the blame. "I blame myself for a lot of that. I let my emotions get the better of me and I shouldn't have. Somehow as soon as Jake and you are mentioned in the same sentence, it hits a nerve with me that brings me right back to how I was feeling back in high school. Where I was invisible to you, and it seemed like he could do no wrong. So, I guess you were right when you said that I was bringing my own insecurities into our argument. Hearing that made me even more defensive in that moment, as I didn't want to admit that, but when I am honest to myself, I do think that that is part of the reason. I don't know why, but I can't help but see him as a threat to my happy life with you. But that isn't the only reason."

Noah grabbed one of Laila's hands and held it gently, as he covered it with his other hand, before he added the remaining part of his reason for not wanting Laila and Jake to be friends. "This whole situation to me screams, 'Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on ME if you fool me twice'. I don't want to be fooled twice honey. I just don't. So, even if you say that he has changed, even if you and I are stronger than ever, even though I am no longer that insecure guy that I was back then, I don't think I can trust Jake enough to be okay with him being a regular presence in our lives. He was downright toxic to you, and he was horrible to me..."