Sorry

In the past, I've spent countless nights awake. Wondering why life was called life, if living was akin to an endless loop of the night?

I've never had an answer, nor I think I'd ever have one.

Tonight was different. Staring at the high ceiling with a blank mind. 

It would be better if I had something to think about. But no, I had nothing but this heaviness in my heart. 

Was I upset? Angry? Sad? Disappointed? Which one was it?

But what I know was that I hated the fact that I have this gap in my memory. No matter how I tried to fill that void, I couldn't. There's just this missing piece I couldn't take back.

Do I hate Sam for it? Definitely not. I loved him, so I forgave him even before he comes and apologize. Not that I'm expecting him to apologize, anyway. 

After all, I'm just... Lilou. A peasant he clothed, fed, and granted education. Still, I didn't want to consider that now.