It's Just Another Day

Why is the most normal reaction to give up? After so long of people not caring you stop trying to convince them to. Not just them either, everyone. If the people who I’m told should love me don’t. Why would anybody else? You grow up learning what’s normal from movies and observation. When you grow up in a setting that’s not “normal” you look for something else. When I grew up, we had a box of movies. It had about thirty movies in it of my parents. When I was looking for answers, I’d grab a movie and watch it. I learned what love was from anything between cheesy romances and survivor stories. Movies have a very mixed thought about romance and love, though. Some say that if you cheat it’s always bad. While others say as long as you both end up happy in the end it’s okay. Some movies say that a lie will take you down and end the relationship. Then some think that if you come clean by the end of the movie you can stay together. That the lie wasn’t that big of a deal anyway.

When my mom was more sober, she loved romance movies. Well, she loved to sit and complain about them. She’d yell at the TV telling the girls that no dick was worth marriage. My dad liked romance movies too, but he actually enjoyed them. He liked meet cutes and the endings where they make a big scene and profess their love. I didn’t understand any of it.

My favorite movies were the thrillers. You take a person, and you put them in a tough spot and see what happens. There are no grand gestures to get your hopes up for what love will be like. There are no monsters trying to kill you other than humans. Thrillers were the closest thing to real life I could find as a kid.

When I got into middle school, I started learning more about what other people were like. I went to a poor school district in elementary, but middle school is when I started going to a rich school. In elementary, most of the kids thought the same way I did. Once I got around kids with money, it was like an entirely different world. They acted and worked completely different. They didn’t have a free lunch system, and they didn’t care that their lunch cost 10-15 dollars. They would talk about their birthdays as if they were inheriting something. Like they were about to win the lottery. I hadn’t had a birthday since I was seven and even then, it was like a cupcake and a balloon.

It annoyed me how much the kids cared about something so stupid. All a birthday is, is the day you were forced into life. What’s so special about that? Why would I want to celebrate ruining my parent’s lives? Also, if my parents don’t remember my birthday than can it really be that important. At first, I used to fight with people when they tried to say how important a birthday is. After a few months I realized if I wanted to make friends, I’d have to ignore their stupidity. So, I started pretending to give a shit about their shallow conversations. I’d avoid telling anybody when I was born and would just make up some crap when they wanted me to be shallow with them.

On the day of my birthday that year, I was invited to another’s party. I told her I couldn’t go. Leo found me walking home that day. He had a little handful of flowers and a small box. When I say handful, I mean handful. The roots were dangling from the ends, and I could tell he grabbed some from a few different houses. “I got you a present. Happy birthday.”

“Why would you get me something?” I reluctantly took the dirty flowers from him.

“It’s your birthday and I’m, like, your best friend.”

“Which is why you should know better than anyone that I don’t celebrate my birthday. It’s just another day, why would I care about it?”

“So other people can celebrate having you in their lives.”

“Nobody wants to celebrate that. Also, why would they? Nothing good comes from people having kids like us.”

“Kids like us?”

“Yeah, poor kids to poor parents in poor neighborhoods. You know what it gets them. Nothing but a bigger food bill. The only people that are actually happy about us being here are the gangs because at least they have new recruits. They’ll keep having us too. Grown-ups are too dumb to learn the first time, so they’ll keep making more of us.”

“Christ girl. Just open your damn present and shut it.”

“You better watch it, or I’ll tell sister Ann.”

“Try it she won’t do anything. She has a million other kids at the orphanage. You think she’s going to care about me swearing? She’s too focused on the older kids doing drugs and trying to figure out who’s throwing eggs at the church.”

“Eggs?”

“Yeah, it’s me.” He cackles like the evil little devil he is. “They make us sit in there for forever on Sunday. It deserves some egging. If you take up my time and I get nothing back. You get eggs.” I shake my head, but with no real emotions. I rip the notebook paper off the little box and make sure to remind him how dumb it is a few times. In the box is a little pin. It’s a little blue butterfly with red spots on it.

“A butterfly?”

“Yeah, the back is broken.” He flips it over, and I see that the part that makes it a pin is gone. “You said your dad liked butterflies, right?” I stop and look up at the little enigma of a person in front of me.

“Why’d you get this?”

“Well, I know that you go and visit your dad today. I know that you have a stick up your ass about your birthday, and honestly, I don’t care. I’m in a similar boat as you, so I’m not going to say you should celebrate it. I wanted to get you something, though. If I got you anything for you, I would expect it to be thrown in my face. So, I got something for your dad. I mean you can keep it if you want, but I thought we could put it on your dads grave.”

“We?”

“Nobody else may want to be here, but I do. I’ve got your back dummy. So, are you going to keep staring at me, or are we going to get going?” I start walking, and he follows next to me. “Why’d you guys put him so far away? I mean I don’t care, but also walking is stupid.”

“How else do you expect to get anywhere?”

“Driving, stupid.”

“You’re 12.”

“Am not, I’m thirteen.”

“Oh, big difference.” I say with as much sarcasm as I can. He lightly punches my arm.

“You’re so rude.”

“Says the person who throws eggs at religious buildings.” He shrugs but doesn’t say anything back. We walk with only the sound of traffic filling the silence. The sun keeps us warm, but the October wind makes our coats necessary.

“Why do you visit your dad on your birthday?” He finally asks.

“He died on my birthday. Visiting him on the day he died makes me feel kind of connected to him.”

“Why doesn’t your mom visit him too then?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t love him or something. I asked her last year and she said, “Why would I visit him? He’s dead. Going and staring at the ground isn’t going to make him or me feel better.” We walk for a little farther. “I don’t think my mom really understands what love is. She watches a lot of romance movies, but she doesn’t act like anybody in the movies. When she cares about people, she just tells them how awful they are. Well, maybe not the people she cares about, but the people she’s supposed to care about.”

“I don’t think the nuns understand love either.” I glance over at him. “I mean they’re like devoted to god and shit, but they’re really mean. They say how much they love all of god’s children, but when they hit us for being bad. They smile.” He grimaces as if he smelled something bad. “Maybe when you grow up, you forget how to love.”

“I don’t think so. My dad was loving. Maybe it’s just bad people. Bad people forget how to love and become bad.” We sit in the thought of losing love as you grow. Two cars drive past us as one honks and passes the other.

“I got stopped on my way home yesterday.”

“Stopped by who?”

“The guys in the cars, who else.” Our teachers in elementary school always warned us about the gangs. They told us they’d stop you when you were minding your own business and get you involved in lots of trouble. They never said gangs, though. They’d always say, “The guys in the cars are dangerous, and they’ll hurt you.”

“What did they say?” I ask suddenly worried.

“Nothing much. They told me that I was pretty big and asked for my age. They told me if I wanted to stop living at the orphanage, they could give me a place to stay for free.”

“They want to get you in trouble Leo.”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I told them no and left.” He kicks some dirt into the ditch. I get the feeling that he’s holding something back.

“What did you want to say to them?” He shoves his hands into the pockets of his dirty jeans. His face has dirt streaks all over it, and his hair is getting longer.

“I wanted to accept of course. A free place to live where you don’t get in trouble for every little thing. No more church, no more punishments, and they’d actually take care of me. I could make money, friends, and have food. Why wouldn’t someone like me want that?”

“Leo, they do illegal things. They hurt people and go to jail. Is that what you want?”

“The cops suspect I’m doing illegal things all the time anyway. I told them no Mona, but I’m considering it. What else is there for me?” I don’t answer and just put my hands in my own pockets. Leo and I have a deal that we don’t bullshit each other. There’s not enough time to figure out what’s true and what’s not. I’m not going to give him some stupid speech about how he could graduate high school and go to college. He wouldn’t, but he could never afford it even if he wanted to. Once he turns 18, he’ll be out of the orphanage. Where would he live? All his extra money would be used for food and school. That would be if he could work and go to school at the same time.

“Don’t do anything without telling me, okay? Or if you’re in serious trouble, tell me.”

“Okay.” I slide my arm into his. It’s childish, but I feel as long as I hold on, I won’t lose him. We finally get to the front gates of the cemetery. We buried my dad in the back of the cemetery in a shitty spot by the water filter system. They have pipes running through the back of the plot, so the graves don’t get flooded when it rains and when it gets warm. We couldn’t afford a tombstone, and mom wouldn’t let anybody else buy one. So, we found a big rock in the park and wrote his name and dates on it. Mom was high and spelt his name wrong, so I had to cross it off and rewrite it. Seeing the grave again I’m glad he’s hidden in the back. It’s embarrassing how shitty of a sendoff we gave him. “He’s got a nice spot.” Leo looks around taking in the environment.

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“What? I’m not. It’s nice.”

“He has a rock instead of a tombstone.”

“Well, yeah that kind of looks like shit, but he’s got a nice spot. He’s away from all the other people, and he’s by this tree. Which is pretty. He also has this nice open field behind him, and he gets a better view of that than any of these other suckers.” I look around for the first time. I was so focused, every other time I came here, that I didn’t notice the area around. The tree is close to him and its big and pretty. The field is starting to die, but I can imagine how pretty it must be during the summer. Filled with flowers and long grass.

I lean my head on Leo’s shoulder as he wraps his arm around me. “Thanks for making me feel better.”

“Course.” I squeeze the pin in my hand. I feel embarrassed to put it on his grave for some reason. I glance over to the other graves and see flowers, memorials, and other decorations. It must be nice to have people that love you enough to visit and bring stuff. I let go of Leo and sit crossed legged in the dirt. Leo walks over and sits by the tree facing away from me. I send a little appreciation his way and face the rock again. I can feel the wet dirt soaking into my uniform.

“Hey dad. I’m here, again. It’s my birthday. Ha, you know that of course.” I stare at the ground as I fiddle with the grass. “Mom started doing meth again. Her old dealer came over a few weeks ago. Then, she disappeared for days. Honestly, it was kind of nice having the house to myself.” I give an empty laugh. “Your mom is sending me to a fancy high school now.” I look over at the field. I consider what to tell him. Should I say how selfish I think it that he sent me there, or should I just pretend that it’s amazing. “Why’d you do that?” I avoid looking down at his stupid rock. “Did you think it was going to make me feel more normal or something? Cause it doesn’t. I feel like a poor freak surrounded by spoiled brats. They all sit around and talk about the stuff their parents didn’t get them. I don’t even have fucking parents. What made you think I was going to fit in with anybody there?” I sniff and quickly wipe my cheeks. I glance down at his name sloppily written on the rock. How do you spell fucking Bill wrong? Jesus christ.

“I don’t want to leave anything unsaid or hide things from you. I know that you probably can’t hear me, and you wouldn’t care, but I don’t forgive you. You died and left me with a drug addict who hates me. You couldn’t have found literally anybody else? There wasn’t one person who was willing to take me and look after me? Did you even look? I can’t figure out if you genuinely cared about me dad. Did you love me, or did you just feel bad because mom hates me so much? Did you even look for another option for me?” I rub my face and tuck it into my knees. I’m getting mad at a dead man. How is this going to help?

“Last year when I fell asleep here and the cops picked me up, I got in so much trouble. It wasn’t mom who called them. Apparently, some lady saw me laying here and thought I was a dead run away. Mom was mad because I brought the cops to her apartment.” I keep my face pressed into my knees. I know nobody is going to be there when I look up, but I can’t look at him.

When I finally lift my head, the sun is staring to go down. I stand up, and Leo comes over. I look at the butterfly in my hand. I’d been squeezing it so hard it stabbed into my palm and left little drops of blood. I lay it down on the flat top of the rock. “No, you’ve gotta burry it.” Leo gets down on his knees and barriers the butterfly into the dirt.

“Why?”

“Well, you don’t want somebody to steal it do you. Also, it’ll get lost if you set it on top. If you burry it, it’s also closer to him. He can touch it easier if it’s buried with him.” We leave and start the long walk back to town. I don’t say anything, and neither does Leo. He tends to be a quiet boy unless he has something specific to say. I like that about him, though. I don’t have to make small talk with him. The sound of life around us is enough small talk for us.

When we finally start seeing buildings with lights and windows I speak. “Do you want to stay at my place tonight? It’s pretty late and I don’t want you running into trouble.”

“Nah, if I don’t come back tonight, I’ll get a good whipping tomorrow. Also, I don’t think your mom would let me in the door. If she did, she would try and buy drugs from me again.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. She thinks anybody large with muscles sells drugs. She used to hang out in front of the gym for the same reason.” He snorts after failing to hold in his laugh.

“Your mom is so crazy.” I agree. After another hour of walking, we finally get to my apartment. The moon is completely out and so is the night life in our neighborhood.

“Don’t let anybody mess with you, and if you see the car run. Okay?”

“Yeah, I got it. Now, stop worrying.” He turns his shoulder to leave. I get the overwhelming feeling that I could lose him. I grab his arm and hug him tightly. “What are you doing Mona?” I feel his cheeks start burning against mine. “Stop being embarrassing.” He complains in a high-pitched tone.

“Don’t disappear on me, Leo.” He stops stirring and slowly wraps his arms around me. “I know you said you would be safe, but I don’t believe you. I want you to do what you want, but I can’t lose you. You and Lil are all I’ve got. Please.” I stop as my throat pinches shut.

“Hey, even if I were to go with them, I’d still be okay. You know why?” I shake my head and try to not get his shoulder wet. “Because of you. No matter what I do or choose I’m going to be safe for you. You don’t really think you can get rid of me that easily, do you? Are you stupid?” He pokes my side causing me to laugh and let go. “You’re my best friend Mona, and you’re also the only family I have. You make me want to wake up every day.” He stares me in my eyes. I see Leo and think he’s a strong, hard guy because of his muscular build. During times like this, though, I remember that he’s soft. He just got blessed with strong genes. He throws a soft punch into my shoulder, “Now, go inside ya baby.” I quickly grab his hand and touch my lips to his.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I turn and go inside. I don’t know why I did it, but it felt right. I might not know what love is, or how normal people love each other. If I had to pick something, though, I’d say this is as close to love as I can get. Love is a connection. We’re real family. We have the kind of love that persists even when others try to make it sour. The weight of the day lifts a little because I know I found a soul mate. Romantic or not we’re connected.

“Happy birthday Mona.” I whisper as I tuck myself into bed with the sound of Terry screaming at me from the kitchen.