One Last Step Into The Unknown

Legs dangling from the bridge while water rushes below. My feet feel like they’re floating, almost as if they’re walking on the breeze. The freeing feeling of being close to something nobody controls. I breath in the air letting it fill my lungs. I was almost arrested on this bridge. I almost jumped off this bridge too. I look down into the water, and it looks back at me. The water is unruly and fierce. It could take anything it wanted with it. Nobody can tell the rushing water what to do, but the currents.

I don’t have a lot of stuff to bring down, but Oliver insisted on helping me anyway. We each take a couple of boxes down the stairs. We chat about my plans or where I might go first. He keeps asking where I put things like my map and money. I laugh at his anxiety and my ability to lose things. It only takes a couple trips, but we get everything down to my car.

I used to think people were either like water or the currents. Calm and flowing, or crazy and intense. I thought that I was a small current in the midst of a raging river. The larger currents pushing over top of me trying desperately to be water when they themselves were the force making them a current. I’m not sure what I am, but I want too not be a current anymore. I want to take control and responsibility for the currents I’ve helped trample over myself. Who knows if I’ll be able to join the water, but I’m going to try.

I walk around the apartment making sure nothing is left. No forgotten bags or memories. To say goodbye to all the ghosts walking around the place. I stop in the doorway of my dad’s office for the last time. I open the door and see nothing, and a little weight unexpectedly lifts off my shoulders. The room is empty. There’s no longer blood on the floor, or papers, or his knocked over and broken things. Nothing but some stains and stale air. I turn to leave and stop before closing the door. I glance back at the room and swing the door open. I walk away leaving the room open to the rest of the apartment. Oliver is waiting for me outside the apartment. He gave me space to look through it alone.

I walk out giving him a smile. He gives me a kiss back, and we walk downstairs together. We get out of the dark lobby that only has three lights working at a time. The sun is bright outside the door. My eyes adjust to the change. I let out a breath and start feeling the nerves of leaving. Oliver squeezes my hand but isn’t looking at me when I glance over to him. He’s staring at my full backseat. I kiss his cheek.

Growing up I’m not sure if I ever actually breathed. Either it was being stolen from me, or I simply couldn’t find the air. There was no room for air when I wouldn’t stop holding my breath. Though, I had no idea that I could breathe. I thought breathing was only for those who were given the gift of breath. I’m under no impression that I’ll start breathing all of sudden. I’m going to move away and change my life. I’ll still be me; I still have to change who I am or decide what’s in place to suffocate me instead of keeping me alive. Maybe I’ll never figure it out, and that’s another possibility I’ve been preparing for. I think it’s better to try though, instead of accepting what I’ve been given. They always say if you practice something long enough then it’ll start to feel natural.

“You can come with me if you want.” It’s the first time I’ve offered. I didn’t ask because I knew it would’ve been us clingy to each other and not our true feelings on the matter. He looks at me finally and for the first time since he knew I was leaving he shows me pain. His eyes show all the hurt he’s been holding back in front of me. I can also see some new hurt, coming from his answer. I smile, knowing that he’s making the right choice for himself. “I was hoping you would say that.” I wrap my arms around him, and he squeezes on to me. “Make sure to tell me what you decide to do. When your big and famous come find me then. Once I leave, don’t pretend, I don’t exist either. I’ll be reaching out to you, reach back. Okay?”

“This is it huh?” He whispers into my neck. I take a minute to absorb the words, knowing that they’re more true than either of us want.

“Maybe, but maybe not. This is it for now, though.” I pull away and so does he. “If you get married before I see you again make sure to invite me.” He laughs and rolls his eyes. “Keep me in the loop.” He nods.

Nobody can save me, and I can’t save anybody else. We simply have to keep flowing and hope that we made the right turns along the way. So, when we reach that big body of water at the end of the river, we’re happy with the path we took.

I glance back as I drive away. Oliver stands straight up watching me leave. Part of my heart breaks thinking about his walk home. He refused to let me take him home first, though. I respected his need to go alone and left. I reach the top of the hill and focus my eyes forward. I never looked back again. Just kept driving and following the plan that Oliver and I put together. Always using that plan as a general route to follow. The ring on my right hand catches the light as I let out all the air, I’d been holding in. We’re all fucked anyway; I’ve just got to keep going till there’s nowhere left to go.

After Note:

Howdy there, this is the author. I'm not sure who's going to see this or is still around for this last chapter. Right before uploading the last two episodes I was gone for a long while, and that's my bad I'm sorry. I'm happy that anyone was interested in reading this story and I thank anybody who came back to read the ending. Thank you for the support and patience.