Ever Illuminated

Without the entertainment of her grandson, Mrs. Stevenson circled back to what she been trying to bother me about while making dinner. It was a slated glance to Kayla that conveyed my telepathic plea to finish dinner as soon as possible.

"College is all about meeting new people!" Mrs. Stevenson gushed, her ramble continuing as she looked to Kayla for support in her argument.

"For example, I bet you have made a lot of new friends, right Kayla?" Something in my stomach twisted sickly, but I clamped my jaw and swallowed it away. Of course she'd make new friends... We're adults, that's what 'adulting' is. My fingers twisted my fork against my thumb, my chest tight. Green-lisped murmurs started humming behind my ears; the most familiar being that I cling to her too much.

"That's true..." Kayla half laughed, caving.

"And what about you Kayla? Have you met anyone that strikes your fancy? I'm sure the men in the big city are so charming," Mrs. Stevenson cooed, batting her hand obnoxiously.

"Well, I've gone on a few dates but nothing has worked out yet." Her hand drew back her hair and tucked it behind her ear, a polite smile showing her pearly teeth. She had taken a nap, but she still looked tired. Almost slumped shoulders, her motions slow. Though it was selfish of me, I found myself relax slightly. As much as I kept telling myself I needed to separate myself from her, it was a different feeling if she chose to stay instead. At least for a little bit longer, it'd be nice to stay as we are; just her and me.

"Ah, but you're such a pretty girl, I'm sure you'll be swooped up soon." For once, I agreed with her. Something in my chest shuffled again, but I shook my head. When that day comes, I'll be happy for her, like a good friend.

"Oh stop, Mrs. Stevenson," Kayla laughed. Yes. Please, stop.

"Ok ok," She huffed. "Would you guys like desert? I made apple pie just for you guys!-" For once, Kayla passed on the desert as a long yawn broke her smile.

"I'd rather have it for breakfast, if you don't mind."

Though Mrs. Stevenson deflated slightly, it was thanks to my agreement that we all decided we could have more fun together after a good rest. At that, we all worked together to clean the dishes and wipe down the dining room table, especially the spot where my nephew sat.

Mrs. Stevenson set her rag on the counter and let out a long sigh. 9:30 PM blinked on the stove condescendingly as I discreetly rubbed my eyes, drained. Just stay awake a little longer....

Kayla excused herself for bed, and I looked at her expectantly.

"Well, let's get you those papers."

The house looked different at night- the green carpet became the ground of a beasts den, the crosses on the wall became ill-omens. Childhood memories of shadow monsters and Eliza's pranks played behind my eyes, and I had to admit I still found the old house to be scary. In a harsh storm, it groaned and creaked, and on a hot day, it held the grounds captive in time.

Once we reached her office doors, she pulled out a filing key and opened up a metal cabinet she kept under her desk. So close- answers, clues- there had to be something that would point me in the right direction. In my mind I was already transferring information to my notebook- making connections, even. I pictured maybe it would include the state I arrived in- had I been injured? Were there any physical signs that could have led me to make assumptions?

She ruffled through multiple drawers before pulling out a file folder and passing it to me.

It felt... Light in my hands.

"Is this all?" My voice shrunk. The file had less than five sheets of paper in it. "Was there anything else that came with it?" A sting pricked behind my eyes, the room felt like it was swallowing me.

"I'm sorry Ty..." I flipped through them once. Twice. Five times: my name, the house I was put into, my name- was there anything else? This can't be it.

The voice from before slithered its way under my tears, and I couldn't hold myself back.

"The nightmares..." My voice wavered deeply. "I thought-" I couldn't hold back the tears as they tipped over the brim of my eyelashes.

"Oh Ty," Mrs. Stevenson rushed forwards and held me as I shook weakly. Did I really have nothing to go on? Absolutely nothing? My stomach clenched tightly, and I covered my mouth with my hand to hold back my whimpers.

"Nightmares? Oh honey." She gently pushed me back in the direction of the kitchen, and I focused on bringing myself back together.

"How about I make you some of that tea I used to make you every night? Remember that?" I nodded silently, but I dug my face into my hands. A breath in, a breath out. I hadn't noticed it, but she had left the room for the tea and came back with a fresh cup.

"I had to grab your special blend from the office. I'll always have it here for you."

I have been such a fool. I hugged her tightly, and let out a deep breath. My thoughts, my feelings- I shouldn't have let them be based without logic.

"Thanks Ma." I took the cup in my hands and took in a deep breath of the lavender tones. It was familiar in the good sort of way, and I took a small sip. With a soft hand on my back, she led me to the stairs and said goodnight.

I went into my room silently and set the tea and folder on my nightstand, fighting against my mind. Wrong- everything is wrong! My body and mind were screaming it at me, and I found myself pacing the room. The voice in my head was now shouting over my thoughts, and I dug my nails into my scalp.

Wrong! She's not who you think she is! She's not your family! Everything is wrong!

"Ty?" I froze in my tracks. I had completely forgotten that Kayla was here. Everything about this made me want to throw up. My insides felt like they were on fire, and I wanted nothing more than all the turmoil in my head to be quiet. The tea- I took the tea and raised it to my mouth. Maybe it would relax me- make everything slow down.

Just holding it in my hand made everything erupt, and my shaking grip tightened.

The glass shattered in my hand, biting into my palm. The pain seemed to slow everything down slightly, and I was outside of my head. Kayla got up from the bed, and we both sat on the ground together picking up pieces.

"What happened?" Her voice was soft, and I felt my stomach coil again.

"More like what didn't happen. There are less than five pages in the file she gave me. There's nothing." The word spat through my teeth and hissed against my skin. Her head bobbed up and down slowly.

"There has to be more than that- there's a lot of paperwork that goes into fostering and adopting children, and what we're looking for goes beyond that. I don't think the media would have gone silent about you, Ty. There's more- we just have to keep looking. There's more, ok?" I nodded weakly before pausing.

"What's this?" We each paused as I raised a small clear plastic-looking piece from among the debris of the broken tea cup. Kayla's brow scrunched before I passed it to her extended palm.

"That's strange... it looks like a pill capsule."

A... pill capsule?

There are a lot of things children don't understand growing up, and looking back, I felt the skin on my back prick devilishly. The things that were supposed to happen out of kindness were done out of fear, or the people who were supposed to protect me, betrayed me. The tea- the dreams. This wasn't something as new as I thought. Perhaps I had always had the dreams, and after years of being drugged to sleep, they were only just now resurfacing.

My finger lightly traced my chapped lips, and a stray eye found my way to Kayla. She had done something similar- has everyone I've ever known worked around me? Would they rather bury my weaknesses with a pill then let me face them? As if it was their choice?

"Hah." I scoffed, my bleeding hand rose to rub my face but I stopped, my eyes trapped on the blood as the thoughts from before suddenly felt more credible. Perhaps the mix of shock and exhaustion was drawing my mind mute, because even though Kayla passed the pill capsule back in my hand, I couldn't seem to form any coherent thoughts.

All that swam behind my eyes were figments of memories which now held completely different and vastly darker connotations.

My body jumped as Kayla placed her hand on my shoulder, and though I wanted to shake everything away, I found my vision blur as my bottled up frustration boiled to the surface. With my mind numb to the world around me, it wasn't until Kayla unzipped a bag that I rubbed my tears away and took a deep breath.

One thing at a time, Typha. Even though I was telling myself that, and even as Kayla bandaged my hand with her traveling first aid kit, I still found that lidded voice rambling with demands and conjectures. She's not your mother, she's lying to you, she's not who you think she is-

"Shut up..."

"What?" I blinked before letting out an embarrassed chuckle. Kayla's concerned look was enough for me to suck in a deep breath and retreat to my bag to grab my pajamas. Digging through my clothes, I paused as I came across my journal before stuffing it further towards the bottom. I wouldn't want a repeat of what happened when I was 16...

Risking a peek to Kayla, she rolled her eyes dramatically before turning around so I could change.

"We've been friends for YEARS now, AND we're room-mates. I don't get why you still get so flustered over stuff like this." Her playful voice was like a golden bell ringing sweetly, and I felt a worn smile work itself onto my face.

"I know." Short, sweet- completely simple and carefree. The voice which was fuming in the back of my mind finally began to settle, and I let myself reminisce about the fun things we've done together. Hikes, disco night- even moving out far away from home. With those memories, my breathing returned to a calm pace as drowsiness locked onto my limbs.

After pulling my loose t-shirt over my head, I turned around and awkwardly gave Kayla a hug.

"Thank you." For staying with me. My voice sounded muffled against her shoulder, and I could feel the vibration of her laugh as she responded with a comforting squeeze which made all my problems feel small.

"Let's get in bed."

Hopping on the far side and pulling the covers over my shoulders, I forced myself to ignore the familiar smell of Mrs. Stevenson's favorite detergent and instead focus on my own breathing.

For once, I didn't mind going back to the dream, if it meant getting away from these horrible feelings. Is that... selfish of me? Closing my eyes, I let go of a long sigh as I buried my face into my pillow. The bed shifted slightly as Kayla leaned over to turn off the lamp before she snuggled up against me.

"Hey Typha?" That golden bell again, but now I was already dangerously close to sleep.

"Mmm?"

In the silent room, I could hear her lips part as she paused, and the static of the silence felt cacophonic against my ears. A warm embrace, soft blankets- and faintly, the smell of Kayla's lemony shampoo. If going to sleep meant this each time, maybe it wouldn't be so bad... It's like entering a horrible room with a beautiful, ornate door.

"I'm sorry."

For a moment, I wasn't sure if I had imagined it or not, but regardless, I pulled her closer and rested my chin on the top of her head.

"It's okay." If it's you, it will always be okay.

It will be okay.