Desperation
"Do you know why I've brought you here today?"
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"...Uh... no."
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Lorian scowled in her too-small, uncomfortable plastic chair, shifting around in discomfort before crossing her legs and arms, her fingers jittering in a restrained, manic energy. The administrator in front of her, a slender looking with glasses, disregarded Lorian's distress, although his forehead still wrinkled at the disrespectful attitude the huge girl gave him.
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"Sorry." He apologized. "You should have been informed."
"Am I in trouble?" Lorian asked with hostility, as if she were in an interrogation.
"No, but-"
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"Then I'm leaving!" She huffed, uncrossing her legs and leaning forward.
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"You're not in trouble NOW." The administrator said hastily, letting out an exasperated sigh as Lorian sat back into her chair, all of a sudden less jittery then before. "But you might be, if you don't listen, okay?"
"...What is it?" Lorian mumbled.
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"You've actually received an offer." The white-haired man explained, sliding over a document, the edges crisp and neat. "This is actually quite a rare thing, especially for a university in such a small town-"
"What does this have to do with me being in trouble?" Lorian blurted out.
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The administrator raised his hand, signaling for Lorian to be patient, which she did, with difficulty, grumbling as she leaned back into her chair.
"You should really work on that bad habit." He muttered. "Your professors have complained about it too. It makes it all the more miraculous that you've received this invitation."
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Lorian sighed as she took the paper and slumped down, her eyes poring over the document with a bit of difficulty, her eyes squinting and brows furrowing at certain words. It was clearly some official letter from somewhere fancy, which meant, of course, that the wording was terribly difficult, especially for-
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"This is a great opportunity for you." The admin continued. "You're being offered a full ride. If I were you, I would accept without hesitation."
"Can I take anyone with me?" Lorian mumbled, face still furrowed with concentration.
"No."
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"Then I decline."
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The administrator pursed his lips and leaned back in his chair, staring at Lorian with an apprehensive look.
"You know, your citizenship was based off your entry test to this university." He said quietly. "You scored very high, that's why we made an exemption for you. We had to petition the magistrate and handle your documents."
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"Yeah, I remember." Lorian said slowly, eying the white haired man suspiciously. "So?"
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The admin sighed becoming more exasperated. "That means, it would look very suspicious if you were to decline this offer. A powerful, powerful mage, with the literature scores of a ten-year old, comes from an unregistered warzone town, and enrolls into a university to get papers? Are you aware of-"
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"Are you accusing me of-"
"I am not accusing you of anything!" The administrator snapped, his voice stern, but even. "I am just telling you, that if the magistrate decides to investigate, that's how it's going to look!"
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"...That's of no concern to me." Lorian mumbled.
"I have no doubt that if you wished, you could burn this entire town to the ground." The administrator said in a pleading tone, his hands outstretched and open in front of him. "Or hell, maybe you could even fight Judge Vayne, but we cannot. If you were to disappear, the school would undergo investigation. Your friends would too."
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Suddenly, Lorian's face grew guilty, and the jittering in her fingers returned, although this time, she was paying full attention to what the administrator was saying. Her mind instantly raced to her beloved - but even beyond her, Fen, maybe could handle the scrutiny, but Akasha...
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"Then what?" Lorian grimaced, frustrated. "I have to take this offer? That's all there is?"
"I'm not saying those are your only options." The administrator sighed, his own body language calming as he adjusted his glasses. "I'm just asking you to consider the information that is laid out in front of you. I have been watching your progress closely these four cycles - you are a smart woman, Lorian. You can figure something out."
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"But..."
"Just one thing..." He sighed. "Please choose a better last name in the future."
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Aisha felt more miserable than she had in her entire life.
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It wasn't even because she was separated with mistress. It wasn't like she had even spent that much time with her in the first place - the time before her felt like an eternity, but still...
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It was nothing compared to having to sit there... and watch. Helpless, while someone she loved, anguished in front of her. At least, if it were herself, she could break something, scream, but she knew that if she did so, it would only make her mistress anguish even harder.
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Watching the tall girl grimace and shake her head in frustration was like torture. Watching her take handfuls of her own head, as her breaths grew more harsh-
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"...Aisha..." Lorian mumbled, the harshness in her breath going away as Aisha sat down next to her, wrapping her small arms around her waist.
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Even the short girl's presence was enough to dispel her sour mood. Just that little touch, that little body, sent soothing waves through her tired, frustrated chest. It was amazing, almost like a drug... and the effect was intensified a hundred-fold, since they...
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"I'm sorry." Aisha whispered. "I couldn't... I couldn't help myself. I know you-"
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"No." Lorian croaked, wrapping Aisha up into her arms, squeezing her with enough force to bend metal. as she buried her face into Aisha's head. "Just let me... just let me enjoy you. I don't want another thing..."
"What's wrong?" Aisha whispered, her ears drooping. "I... is it my faul-"
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"Nothing is your fault!" Lorian snapped.
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Aisha recoiled, the phrase ringing a familiar note.
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(Nothing can ever be your fault, can it, huh!?) A sarcastic, scathing voice echoed.
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"I..."
"Aisha, do you like this place?" Lorian asked.
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"...The house? I would-"
"Not just the house." Lorian struggled out. "The town. The people. Fen and Kasha - our... your life. Right now. Do you like it?"
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"Of course." Aisha whispered, her own voice starting to struggle out, as a result of Lorian's grip on her ribcage. "I like... I like you. I love... you. Everything is nice, but... urk... lemme go. lemme go plxggghhlllrkkk"
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Lorian, panicked, released Aisha in an instant, the girl falling out of her lap and sputtering for air.
"I-I'm sorry!" Lorian shrieked. "I- I hurt you, I-"
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"It's fine." Aisha gasped out, although her words were barely audible. "I'm fi- kuh!"
"No, no, no..." Lorian whispered. "Oh... I... why am I like this, I can't even... I hurt you... It's all my fault, Aisha, all of it..."
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"Mistress..." Aisha whispered back, struggling to her knees. "No, don't say that."
"But it is all my fault!" Lorian snarled, frustrated. "I... I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have attracted so much attention, and now, and now-"
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"Mistress?"
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Lorian's face grew depressed again, and Aisha felt her heart crack. The thing Lorian was upset about was definitely about her. Even regarding her friends, Lorian had never anguished so much.
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She had always been so carefree, so aloof. Her attention only placed on Aisha. Always smiling, always giggling, happy...
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But now, her face looked sullen and stressed. Not just because of her facial expression, but also her body - Lorian was visibly thinner, slightly paler. The weight she had gained over the past few months was completely gone, and now, she looked thinner than when Aisha had first met her.
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It was her.
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It was her fault.
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"Mistress?" Aisha whispered again, her voice cracking slightly.
"...Sorry." Lorian muttered, reaching out a hand hesitantly. Their palms touched, sending that familiar, lovey sensation shooting between them, but it seemed like Lorian's hand lost strength, flopping into her own lap uselessly.
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Lorian had explained why she wanted to put a bit of distance between themselves. And Aisha kind of understood - of course, mistress wanted a bit of personal space, even though Aisha wanted nothing more than to spend every single second together.
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It was natural, right? To... to... want space. They still sat together, held hands... even slept together, still, but there was no longer any playful kissing, any soft chest-to-chest cuddles, any moments of passion.
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"I don't understand what's wrong." Aisha asked pitifully. "I... am I annoying you?"
"Oh Aisha..." Lorian sighed, her eyes softening. But Aisha did not catch the way her body relaxed.
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In that moment, Aisha's heart accelerated, and a wrenching, sinking feeling sat in her stomach, twisting, ripping.
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Did mistress not love her anymore? Did she get bored of her?
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"Mistr-"
"Let's... Let's move to the wastes."
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It was like a bubble had popped. All of a sudden, Aisha's expression turned stressed, looking at her mistress in a concerned manner.
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"...Mistress?" She whispered.
"...We can't stay here any more." Lorian mumbled.
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"What?"
"We're out of time." Lorian muttered cryptically, although a bitterness crept up into her words.
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"Mistress... What's happening?"
"Do you remember when I told you about why I came here?"
"You came because your sisters wanted you to live well."
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"Well..." Lorian looked apprehensive.
"The magistrates have let me live here under the assumption that I am here to study magic." She continued. "But soon... my time at the university will be done. I graduate in just a few days..."
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Lorian pulled out a letter.
"There's... another thing." She said quietly. "I have received a letter to a higher university. I don't think I'm going to take it, but I thought you might want to know."
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"Why not go?"
"Because... I can't take you with me. And regardless, I can't stay here."
"..."
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"I think you should go."
"No! I'm not... I'm not going to leave you."
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Aisha's mouth felt dry.
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"I think you should. I'm not worth-"
"Don't you dare! Don't you-... Don't you dare say that you aren't worth it! I love you!"
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"Do you?"
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That was what Aisha wanted to ask. Give her mistress an opportunity to reaffirm her affection, her love.
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But she was terrified of the other outcome.
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"I... I love you too." Aisha whispered, her voice wavering. "But... for me? You should..."
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"I don't want to! And that's final. I don't car-"
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Lorian exploded into a coughing fit, holding a hand to her chest as Aisha went to hold her in a panic.
"Mistress!"
"It's fine." Lorian said dismissively, trying to push Aisha off her, but she was too weak even for that.
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"It's not fine! You've been coughing for the last week!"
"It's fine. I just haven't eaten in a while."
"What's wrong? Why haven't we slept or cuddled!?"
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"It's for you!" Lorian insisted.
"How could it be for me!?" Aisha demanded, her own temper starting to flare. "I only have you! I can only - Without you, what can I do!? I don't want to do anything else!"
"Then why did you spend all that time making me worry about your life!?"
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Lorian didn't mean for her words to come out as aggressive as they did. And she instantly regret it, seeing the way Aisha's eyes widened.
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And a bit of that dead expression started to creep back into her eyes.
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"I... I'm sorry." She whispered sadly, bitterly, and Lorian instantly knew that she had done something terrible.
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"NO!" Lorian screamed, reaching out for Aisha's hand, but far too fast.
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Aisha flinched.
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A few hours later, Aisha found herself tasting blood in her mouth, watching her mistress rest in her distressed state, hair messy, back splayed over the too-small couch.
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Mistress had... cleared up the misunderstanding, of course, but...
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Her words sounded so genuine. But there was that nagging voice in Aisha's head, that... doubt.
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(She's lying to you.) It whispered.
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(Space? What a joke. It's just an excuse to get away from you.)
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(She doesn't love you anymore.)
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(No! She... she wouldn't lie about that. Maybe she doesn't... as much... but she still-)
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(Even if she does love you, she's going to stop.) The voice snarled. (She's already growing tired. Look at her. Just interacting with you has turned her into that.)
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(It's your fault she looks like that. It's your fault. She doesn't have the heart to leave you, even though she doesn't love you anymore. Because she's too kind.)
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(You're the one taking advantage of her.)
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(There's... one option.)
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She thought back to those months where Lorian had stayed up, losing sleep, for her. She felt so guilty. All the problems in Lorian's life... were caused by her.
She couldn't go to her university, because she wanted to stay with Aisha.
She lost sleep, because Aisha had to train.
She was dying, because she wanted to give Aisha space.
She had to bloody her hands, to protect Aisha.
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She thought for so long, but she realized that there was only one way to help her mistress.
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It was midnight when she exited the bedroom, dressed in nothing but her uniform. It wouldn't be right to take anything else.
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Everything else wasn't hers. It was her mistress's home, not hers.
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The thought of what she was going to do made her want to throw up. Just the thought... it was like her body was rejecting even the premise. That the idea was so antithetical to who she was, that it triggered an averse reaction.
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She tried desperately to not look at her mistress as she walked through the living room, her steps dragging. But it was impossible, she loved her too much.
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Why was she so beautiful? Why did she have to... why did she have to love Aisha? If she didn't, then... she could have avoided this whole... this whole mess. Could have been with someone she would have... not put her through such anguish. Done something, anything different.
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"I love you..." She whispered, and her breath hitched when her mistress stirred.
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She had to go, now. She had to go, because if her mistress asked her to stay, she would not be able to resist.
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She walked over to the counter to take Xelos's book, but aside from the tattered pages of the journal, her fingers felt something soft - on further inspection, illuminated by moonlight, it was a scarf. And a note.
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[Please come back, someday.]
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Tears stained the little brown paper, and Aisha felt the strength leave her body. She wanted so desperately to sink to her knees and bawl her eyes out, until she woke mistress up, letting her coo and hug and pamper her. She wanted to, so bad, but for better or for worse - that accursed training, the lessons that man had taught her - it taught her how to steel her emotions.
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(This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.)
She repeated to herself, over and over again, but no matter how hard she tried to drown her head in thoughts, she couldn't stop the overwhelming grief that filled her heart.
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(This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.)
(This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.)
(This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.)
(This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.)
(This is for the best. This is for the best. This is for the best.)
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Aisha sat down on a rock, staring at the reflective surface of the lake, the sunrise reflecting off the tranquil waters. Dark circles sat underneath her eyes, and even though her eyes were open, Aisha didn't see a thing.
Without Lorian, there was nothing to live for. She thought about just sitting there, until she died of dehydration.
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(Promise me you won't die.)
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If she reached out, she could... she could almost feel it. Her touch, her warmth.
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That was right... she had... made a promise. She... wouldn't die. That was the least she could do. And maybe... maybe one day, she would come back. Maybe... after Lorian had found someone new.
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Just the thought of someone else touching her mistress made Aisha's face contort into rage - NO, DAMMIT! SHE-
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(Why get mad, huh?) Her inner voice taunted. (Parasites have no right to get mad at the host for discarding them. What happened to wanting her to be happy?)
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She started to cry again.
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Dammit! Dammit! What even WAS the point of training with that fucking asshole? If she couldn't even be with her mistress, if all it did was help her LEAVE, then why!?
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So mistress could be happy with someone better?
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(But I want to be with her!) A small voice cracked in the back of her mind. (I want to hug her again! I want to live with her, and be able to buy her gifts, and protect her from danger!)
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(But you can't. But there's nothing you can do.)
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For another hour she sat there, eyes out of tears, before a gust of wind flipped over the pages of Xelos's book. She looked at the thing with disdain.
(I wish you were a better teacher.) She thought bitterly. (I wish my training with you could have changed anything!)
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(It's your fault.) She thought bitterly (It's the world's fault. If I was born a strong warrior, with a soul, then I could... then I could be a great partner to her-)
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Xelos's voice echoed in her mind. No... rather, it was her own.
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(You don't have another chance.)
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(To wallow in self-pity is the mindset of a loser. You get to cry when there is actually nothing you can do.)
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(You don't deserve another chance.)
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(There are people less lucky than you. People who are suffering more than you.)
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(Why are you giving up so easily? What's wrong with you?)
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(If you despise reality... then what are you doing, waiting for it to give you a chance?)
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Aisha stood up, a different bitterness welling up inside.
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The large, wooden doors to the empty hall slowly creaked open, as sunlight streamed into the lonely building, illuminating the dusty, long-forgotten tables inside.
There were only two people inside. A hooded, grizzled looking man, drinking a mug of beer in a corner, and a young blonde girl, looking over papers behind a wooden counter. Both occupants stopped what they were doing as Aisha entered the guild hall, bootfalls echoing in the empty building as she walked up to the counter.
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"I want to become an adventurer."