5. Hurt

I don't know how it started, but I can make sure I was at an inter-provincial bus terminal where I once took my mom to visit my grandmother. Wait? Doesn't that mean I'm only 10 years old?

Impossible? I saw myself coming back. How could I, now in the physique of a 16 year old high school girl. Then what am I here for? Is this real or is this an overly vivid dream?

And to my bewilderment, I even looked at myself who was 10 years old riding the inter-city bus with my mom. This is weird. And I can clearly hear the voice of the busker who entered shortly after the bus was running.

The faint of a song entered through the voice of the busker ..

Kalau sudah tiada baru terasa, bahwa kehadirannya sungguh berharga

(When you are not there, you will feel that his presence is really valuable)

Sungguh berat aku rasa kehilangan dia

(It's really hard I feel losing him)

Sungguh berat aku rasa hidup tanpa dia

(It's really hard for me to live without him)

Kehilangan (Lost) - Rhoma Irama

And I just realized that I forgot this moment. The moment when my mother cried only because of the sound of a busker singing classic songs in the 80's. This is weird. Mama lost who? Isn't my mother's family still intact?

"My son .." said Mama softly.

And the dream just ended. The sensation of falling asleep that was there was slowly disappearing. A wave of dizziness began to creep up. I know it's time to wake up. However, it turns out that the process of getting up from sleep is not that easy.

The waves of light headedness that were previously only felt were constantly rising and the sensation almost made the head burst. These eyes haven't wanted to open yet. I know there's still a dozen minutes or so before the eyes are really ready to open.

I remembered the previous dream. The dream was too vivid, I even thought it wasn't a dream. Wait! My son? Who is he? Mama has never called someone like that. Mama is also have an only child, that's me. Who did you mean by 'son'?

While waiting for my eyes to really open and wake up, my head continues to bombard with all the things that require me to detail the dream just now. On the other hand I realized, this body is tired. I don't usually wake up tired. There is something strange.

Morning light greets me, I wake up confused. I? Overnight? Reflexively I stood up, the throb in my head made me have to hold on to the table. Then something hit me, Tandrie!

"Egh .." I heard a moaning voice. Tandrie, I hope you are all right. I immediately ran to another room in this student council room. School is quite quiet because I just remembered it was Sunday.

"Tandrie!" I'm at a loss for words. Tandrie's condition is far from fine. All of his clothes are gone. He just cloaked his shirt in the waist area. I'm afraid to imagine what might happen. My tears intensified when I noticed the blood around his groin.

Please don't tell me, Tandrie was brutally raped. His lips are swollen. Red marks almost all over his body. Even his consciousness is now on the verge of limits.

"Hang in there, I'll take you to the hospital." My tears broke. I dare not contact papa yet. The minutes passed very slowly as I waited for the ambulance. Fifteen minutes seemed fifteen hours.

Myself was attacked by a very, very fear. Please save my brother. Please Tandrie don't leave me. All this time I only made you suffer. I only care about my own happiness. I will be very sorry if Tandrie gets damaged because of me.

"Doctor, how..how is my brother?" my throat hurts because I keep crying and there hasn't been any liquid that has entered my throat. I saw the doctor sighed heavily.

"He is still unconscious. His physical injuries are quite severe, I hope you can calm down. There is no permanent physical damage. But what is more worrying is that his soul is shaken, the patient is desperate to live."

I heard mama's cry broke out again. I only dared to call papa-mama after Tandrie was handled in the ER.

"Please motivate patients to wake up." continued the doctor

As soon as the doctor said that sentence, mama fainted.

"Mama!" me and papa shouted spontaneously.

Stupid tandrie! Do not give up. Fight for life! Let me fight now, big bro. I'm sorry I let you fight alone. Let me make up for my mistakes first. Please, get back!

I don't know since when I became a person who counts the days. Details of every time that has passed. Yes, this is the 40th day when Tandrie is still to close his eyes. Our situation? Everything is sad. No one else has been able to smile since then.

Mama, with her eyes getting blackened and trying to be strong, did not lose consciousness of Tandrie's condition. Papa, is by far the most rational, but who knows? Aren't men really good at hiding their emotions.

It's also what Tandrie, the older brother I never wanted, might have experienced. He must have emotional turmoil that is not simple. And just because he was a boy, he learned to solve all problems without any obvious emotional turmoil.

Myself? Believe me wallowing in regret is very painful. If only there wasn't any remaining love from papa and mama, maybe I would have been kicked out of this family. My behavior is unforgivable. I've been too mean to him all this time. Indeed, Tandrie's wound was not solely because of me, but I increasing his wound to the limit that he could bear mentally and physically. So, you already know how bad I am?

Please don't pity me. Let me torment with my regrets. As long as Tandrie was not like all, thoughts of hurting myself kept popping up inside me. What can I make up for all the mistakes I've made?

Mama and papa did not even bring back anything that had happened in the past. That's it! I would prefer them to at least hurt me a little so that this guilt lessens a little.

"Ma .."

"Yes, dear?" Please Mom, why don't you just yell at me?

"How?" I can not continue my sentence. I'm curious but also afraid to hear the answer.

"Your brother still wants to sleep." Mama replied calmly. Mom's tears seem to have run dry or is it just my feeling? I don't know, what I think is that stoic face he tries to put on day by day.

The doctor was not lying, Tandrie was not conscious to this day. My tears are dry. Mama was so shocked that she didn't even want to look me in the eye. I'm hurt actually, but my sadness and guilt is deeper. Only papa can think rational, papa immediately reported to the police and criminalized my senior, Martin the student president.

That night I don't know what happened, but for sure Tandrie gave up everything for me, the little sister who was always mean to him. I didn't think Tandrie would take that risk. Why should you spare such great guilt, Tandrie?

"Honey, I want to show you something." Finally mama looked at me .