Forty-Four

"Hyung- Where-" I had to strain my brain just to get a grip of where exactly I was. "Yeojun…" I looked around. I was in my room. Was I not in Yeojun's room? And Jaehyeon… Jaehyeon was sitting on my bed and looking at me.

"Sorry I woke you up."

"Oh." He had brought me here. "Ah…" I rubbed my forehead. I was going to slip back into sleep the moment I shut my eyes again. "Thanks for bringing me back here." I closed my eyes and just as I began drifting off again, I felt a nudge on my arm.

"Move in."

"Huh?" I was awake again. "Ah… Why?"

"Sorry. Move." Jaehyeon nudged my arm again.

Grumbling at having been awoken like that, I moved in closer to the wall regardless. Soon after, I had Jaehyeon climb into bed with me and hug me. "Ah, Hyung! You smell like alcohol." I turned my face away. "What? Why are you doing this?"

"Stop moving. Changmin Sunbae has you anyway. Let me get at least this."

Now I was wide awake. "Why'd you… Why would you say that?"

"Hm? Thatsnotmof…" He mumbled something into my shoulder that I did not hear properly. So, I prodded him again.

"Hyung, you can't just fall asleep now. I'm fully awake. Talk to me. Why did you say that? I'm doing my best to manage my time." I was upset, having heard something like that as soon as I woke up.

"It's not time." He moved a bit to speak clearly. "If you had to choose, you would choose him, won't you?"

"I'm not… Why would I have to choose?" I asked, feeling a heaviness within.

"I'm saying… IF you had to choose. Like, I said that we will go out for dinner and you agree but then Changmin Sunbae comes and says 'let's go eat.' What will you do?"

Oh. I usually would have told Changmin that I already had plans but… I hardly got to see him as it was and given our current relationship…

"See? I told you, didn't I?" Jaehyeon pouted. "Because he's your boyfriend. It's obvious. I'm sad."

What reply was I supposed to give to that? "But I'm always with you, am I not, Hyung? Changmin Hyung only gets phone time with me on a daily basis, if we're not busy."

"I'm losing my role. After 'For Old Times' Sake', there are people shipping you two as well."

"That's…" I knew that but…

"How would they feel if they knew that it was real?"

"Okay, Hyung. That's enough. You're really drunk, aren't you? Go to bed."

"No. I want to sleep with you." He clung to me. When I tried to move him away, he lightly slapped my hand. "Be kind."

"Wha-" Did you just- You slapped my hand away! "You drunk-" I flailed a bit to get away, in jest, and he held on tightly. "You slapped me! Argh! No! You can't sleep with me anymore! Go away!"

"Sorry! Sorry!" He laughed, although not fully.

After messing around for a little, I settled down again, feeling tired, and breathed heavily. Jaehyeon had also gone quiet. I looked down at his black hair, the green streaks barely visible in the dark, and patted his head. "I'm sorry, Hyung." I looked up at the ceiling. "And… thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything…" I smiled and closed my eyes. "Thank you."

"You too." He responded and sighed. "Sleep…"

"Mm. Good night."

We did not speak again after that. Jaehyeon had pretty much fallen asleep instantly. I took some time to sleep again though. I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said.

'If you had to choose, you would choose him, won't you?'

It wasn't about just a dinner. It wasn't about Jaehyeon himself either.

If I had to… IF I had to choose between S.T.A.Y and my relationship with Changmin, what would I do?

It was a scary thought. There was no way I could value one against the other or choose. That just further reinstated how important it was for Changmin and I to hide our relationship.

I looked around the bed and to the bedside table but I could not find my phone. I had gotten into the habit of carrying it with me since Changmin and I started dating. I must have taken it to Yeojun's room earlier…

I sighed and closed my eyes.

Hyung… I want to see you.

-----------------------------

"Jeongwoo Hyung?" I heard someone calling me softly. "Hyung."

Ugh… Heavy…

"Hyung-ah." Someone lightly tapped my shoulder.

Why did it feel like my sleep was getting interrupted way too often? "What…?"

"Ah. You're awake. Hyung, it's morning already."

There wasn't much light in the room but I could tell that it was Yeojun who had come to wake me up. "Already? I don't feel like I slept much though…"

"I doubt that you would have been able to sleep comfortably like that." Yeojun shook his head and motioned to Jaehyeon who was still clinging to me, fast asleep. "Apparently, he was looking for you last night."

"I know." I stroked his back lightly. "He was drunk."

"And needy, I presume." Yeojun nodded understandingly. "Well, you still have one hour to get ready. I'll leave waking him up to you. And this-" He held my phone out to me. "You left this in my room."

"Eo. Thanks." I took it. "Did my alarm disturb you?"

"No. I woke up before the alarm. Don't worry." He said. "Mingyu Hyung's taking care of breakfast. Come fast."

"Okay." I replied and he went off after that. Checking my phone, I saw that I had received a few messages from 'Hyung'- the latest having been just about 10 minutes ago.

I put my phone aside and rubbed the sand out of my eyes, yawned and stretched a bit.

Uff. Jaehyeon was heavy…

"Hyung." I tapped his head. "Wake up."

He seemed to be sleeping really well though.

How come I kept finding myself in this unpleasant situation of having to wake him up every time? He was such a peaceful sleeper…

"Hyung, good morning." I said in English and poked his left cheek. He was lying with his head on my chest and with an arm and a leg over me. It wasn't surprising at all that the conversation I had had with Yeojun earlier had also failed to wake him up. "Wake up. If you don't wake up, I'm pushing you off the bed." I slowly pushed him off of me. That got him to come out of his slumber in a very sour mood.

"Ah! What's with you? This isn't how you wake someone up." He drawled and squinted at me.

"It worked, didn't it?" I laughed on seeing his scrunched up unhappy face. "There's not much time for waking you up nicely. We need to get ready now."

"It's already morning?" He glanced around the room in confusion, then grimaced. "Ooh. My head hurts… How did I end up here?"

Really? "You don't remember anything from last night?"

"No. How sloshed was I? I only remember drinking at the hotel and then… I vaguely remember coming home. When did I crawl into bed with you?"

"You didn't just crawl into bed with me, Yoon Jaehyeon-ssi. I had slept off in Yeojun's and Mingyu's room. You carried me here, woke me up and then crawled into bed with me." I reported dryly.

"No way!" He forced himself to sit up. "I did?"

"You did." I pulled my T-shirt down properly and stretched to relieve my aching body. "Ah! I feel so stiff all over now!"

"You…" He looked guilty. "You should have kicked me out or… woken me up after a while or something. How did you sleep like that?"

"It's okay, Hyung." I pulled myself to sit up using his arm. "Let's just get going. You need to seriously freshen up. You hadn't even changed last night. You can go fir-"

"Jeongwoo." He interjected. "Don't let me do that again."

"Huh?"

"I… don't want to trouble you like that. You can't possibly have slept comfortably. And you generally are the kind who doesn't sleep much. I feel bad…" He looked like a puppy who had been kicked. In fact, he was making me feel bad about having let him sleep with me.

"I told you. It's okay." I ushered him off the bed. "Go now. Use the bathroom first. I'll wait."

"But, Jeongwoo-"

"I don't have any complaints. It felt good in its own way since you came looking for me like that. Happy now? Go." I chuckled and waved him off.

"Mm. Okay." He reluctantly went towards the bathroom. I smiled after him, then picked up my phone to read the messaged that I had received from Changmin, starting from last night.

11:32 pm: 'Break :)'

11:34 pm: '…'

11:41 pm: 'Jeongwoo-ya~'

11:42 pm: 'Asleep?'

'Already?'

01:47 am: 'I'm back at the dorm.'

'Good night.'

05:12 am: 'I'm awake. Call me when you see this.'

I looked at the time. It was just about 05: 35 am. I called him. As I lay back down on my bed, he picked up.

"Good morning."

"Hyung-ah. Good morning~" I drawled in English. "Sorry. I slept off in Yeojun's room last night while talking."

"You slept with Yeojun?" He asked crisply.

Aw, this guy… "No. Actually, yes. Initially. Then, I slept with Jaehyeon Hyung. He came home pretty drunk and did not want to sleep alone."

"That's even worse."

I laughed. "He was feeling lonely… and insecure? I don't know what else to call it. Since we're dating, he feels like he has lost his place, I guess. I am the closest to him here and now I spend more time on the phone with you than with him so…"

"He's the one who's beside you nearly 24x7. It's not fair."

"Yeah. Well, that's pretty much what happened last night." I stifled a yawn. "Oh wow. I'm still so sleepy…"

"What time do you have to leave?"

"In about an hour. Hyung?"

"Twenty minutes. I'm just going to eat breakfast." He sighed. "Just wanted to talk to you since we couldn't talk yesterday and I don't think that we will be running into each other today. Or tomorrow."

"Ah, pity." Or the day after tomorrow, actually. S.T.A.Y had work outside. "You know, Hyung?" I turned on my side and lowered my voice.

"What?" I heard a rather expectant chuckle.

"It's… nothing much. Last night, when I woke up in between after Jaehyeon Hyung came home, I really wanted to see you."

"Jeongwoo… ah." He breathed, as though my having said that had affected him like I had wanted it to. "You could have called."

"Mm. I didn't have my phone. It was in Yeojun's room." I replied, the usual throb building up in my chest. I really wanted to see him. "Besides, it was probably past 01:00 am too. I wouldn't have called."

"I was awake."

"True, but-"

"Please, call me." He said firmly. "The next time… call me."

I would love to but… "I might not."

"Why?" He sounded sad.

"That-" It was a little embarrassing to admit but I decided to say it anyway. "It won't make me feel better."

"As in?"

"I want to see you. In person. Not hear your voice on the phone and pretend I know what face you're making."

"I'll video call you."

"Hyung." That wasn't the point.

"Then what do you want me to do?" He asked, at a complete loss.

"Nothing. Just… listen." I rubbed a hand against my forehead. "There's not much that can be done."

"You miss me that much?" He asked rather tenderly. "So much that over the phone won't do?"

Did you have to ask that aloud? "What do you want me to say to that?"

"'Yes, I miss you, Hyung'." He said suggestively. "Be genuine. Tell me you miss me."

"Mm." I hummed. I had not expected him to respond like that.

"Come on. Give me something to go on today. Say it. You have already said so much and you owe me this for making me feel like I feel now."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Well, you call me first thing in the morning and then tell me that you wanted to see me last night. How do you think I would be feeling?"

"Helpless?"

"A little more than just helpless. So, tell me you miss me. I'd like to know that I'm loved enough to be missed."

"You're…" I closed my eyes against the emotions building up within. This wasn't a pleasant way to start the day. "You're loved enough to be missed, Hyung."

"You too." He responded, then silence fell. I could not say anything because it had somehow become too difficult to say anything. I had told him about last night only because I wanted to and had thought that it would make him happy but in that minute of silence, I could tell that neither of us was happy. "Jeongwoo-ya."

"Yes, Hyung?"

"Sorry. I don't think that that made me feel better."

"I know." I opened my eyes and stared at the wall in front of me. "You see why I might not call you?"

"Yes." He stated.

"It's okay. Let's put that aside for now. We have to get to work." I pushed myself to sit up again. "I'll call you tonight."

"Jeongwoo-ya… don't sleep with anyone else from now on if you can help it, okay?"

I laughed. "I can't promise you that, Hyung. The members are really close to each other. You know how it can be."

"Sleep with me too then."

"Don't make this worse for us." I furrowed my brows. Usually, that might have invoked an embarrassed response from me but it hit differently just then.

"Okay… I'll get going."

"I have to go too." I nodded although he would not have been able to see me. "Have a good day~"

"You too." He hung up.

I sat at the edge of the bed for a while, allowing my body to completely come to terms with the fact that I was awake, and then I got up to charge my phone and get ready for the day.