The End

Empty. That's what I was now. After being consumed daily by a pain that wouldn't go away no matter what I did, I had finally been destroyed. There was nothing left of me but a wide chasm, dark as a black hole in space and the silence and emptiness within me had simply swallowed all that had once made me, me. I was nothing anymore, and facing this nothingness, after having thought so much of myself, believed myself so untouchable and invincible, was like seeing the final nail being hammered into my despair. Yes, despair, the silent killer that had crept slowly, cautiously into my life without my consent and that had finally pounced on me unexpectedly. It had become, along with pain, my constant companion, adviser and friend. The result? Easy; I was dead inside and not even the deep love I felt for my husband or children could bring me back to life. And so, here I was, about to seek the final solution to my unrelenting darkness.

I knew that what I was about to do was probably the worst decision of my entire life; but the truth was, that I no longer even knew who I was, what my purpose was, or my reason for living and I could not see any other way out. I simply could not keep on living with myself and I could not continue inflicting my depressing presence on those I loved most. After all, what was I doing but dragging them down to hell with me? Wasn't it even more selfish of me if I continued with this farce that was my life? Wouldn't they be better off without this dark cloud that I had become? I thought so and that is why, even though I still had some doubts within me, I had silenced them; I had silenced what was left of my conscience, to take this final step.

The wind created by the roaring water of the dangerously steep, lethally rocky but utterly breathtaking cascade beat against my entire body and the spray from it dampened my already soaking-wet form. I wanted to jump, to cease to exist, to stop this horrible pain that consumed me and that I had tried to keep hidden from the world; but it'd been twenty minutes since I had arrived, and I still had not had the guts to do it. Why? The truth was, I was not sure. When I first made the decision to end my life, my arguments in favor of this action seemed ironclad and irrefutable. I could not live with myself anymore. The pain within me, the darkness, had totally swallowed my very will to live and I could not keep on going. The world, my family, my friends, everyone, would be better off without me, I had told myself. I was nothing more than an empty shell, even if for appearances' sake I had tried to seem like a happy and fulfilled human being. I had been totally convinced of the righteousness of my choice when I left my house, truly believing that I was freeing everyone from me. So why hadn't I been able to jump to death?

And then something buried very deep within me, in an attempt to save me, gave me the answer as to why I was still doubting my next move; my family. A pretty vivid picture of all of them invaded me and I understood that it was the thought of what this would do to them that kept me from ending it right away. I thought of my beloved and loving husband Jamie; the love of my life. I could not deny that I had had the most awesome relationship with him, even if we had faced some pretty difficult circumstances. I loved him with all my being and the thought of leaving him made my heart stutter. But still, even my intense love for him was not enough to fill the void that was pushing me to end this. Then I thought of my beautiful children: Samantha and Brian and my very soul screamed at me, begging me to stop this madness. How could I choose to abandon the very epitome of my love? They would be devastated by this and would possibly hate me for leaving them without an explanation as to why. The thought of that was what was giving me pause. But then, the darkness once again moved over all my memories and swallowed all my feelings and it murmured that even if this hurt them in the beginning, they would get over it because I would be freeing them from my presence.

I knew the world would judge me and hate me for what I was about to do because, in everyone's eyes, this was not justifiable at all. I had had a good life, filled with success, happiness, and love. But no one, not even those closest to me, could ever even begin to comprehend how the void had swallowed my very essence, making me incapable of anything except suffering; even I could not understand it. And so, once again, my resolve returned; I had to do this. I had accomplished all my goals in life and now there was nothing else for me to do. Because, what more was there for me? That was the very depth of my problem; that I could not see any more purpose in my life. There was no anchor for me, nothing else to look forward to. And that is what the world did not understand; that a person without an anchor, without purpose, is like a rose petal thrown to the wind.

My eyes then returned towards the bottom of the steep and high waterfall and something within me called for me to seek the eternal silence of nothingness. After all, I was nothing and I was returning to nothing.

I turned my eyes upwards towards the sky, breathed in the smell of nature and its fury one more time, allowed my heart and lungs to enjoy a few more moments of life and then took the final step. A sudden sense of weightlessness enveloped me, and it felt as if my brain had turned off completely. I could not see, I could not hear, and I could not even feel. I waited, almost impatiently for the sensation that would arise from the impact of my body against the sharpened rocks, the coldness of the wind and the water sprayed over my broken body; but nothing came. It seemed that at long last my worst fear had been realized; there was nothing and I was returning to it. Was this all then that awaited us on the other side of death? Darkness, emptiness, weightlessness, and loneliness? Had I been right all along when I told Father Gregor that last time in his rectory office that we were all alone in this world?

The darkness did not let up, but suddenly, several sensations accosted my body all at once and I was consumed by the shock of them. First, there was pain, a pain so intense that I just wanted to go back to that feeling of nothingness of a few seconds ago. This pain came from two sources: within me and without me. And then it dawned on me, I had lost consciousness for a second when I was falling, but now, I was experiencing the agony of death. My body was wreathed by the pain of the fall, and the kiss of the rocks and frigid water. But I was also experiencing the fear, the terror that I had heard most people face when they encounter death. I could sense an evil, absolutely evil presence around me, seeking to harm me. If I had had to define it, and if I had believed in the supernatural, I would have said that it was the devil. But even if it wasn't, I was sure at that moment that something really evil wished for me to suffer even more.

The second sensation that came over me could only be termed as undiluted guilt as if that tiny speck of hope that had withstood the forces of the darkness had become a living thing inside me. My heart began to race, and everything came at me at once, like a tornado of emotions, sensations, and thoughts that were getting ready to tear whatever the fall had left. My tiny speck felt a little hotter, a little stronger and it began pushing against the stygian darkness around me, and within me, and pushing back against that terrible and terrorizing evil that wished to tear me apart. And at that peak moment when I felt for the first time in my life the true terror of what others have called hell, my soul suddenly cried out: "Please save me!"

As soon as those words left my mouth everything faded away; my emotions, my thoughts, the pain, the fear, all of it went away and before me, I saw as a small flicker of light, almost like a tiny candle, began to shine timidly. What in the world? I wondered. I knew I did not have a body with me, so I guessed this was just my soul that I was becoming aware of. But where in the blazes did my body go? Where was I? And then fear, much worse than any I had ever experienced in my entire life, or process of death, overtook me. This was mortal fear, a fear that compressed me from all sides and it came from the sense that I was absolutely alone. It was that knowledge that froze me.

"Emily", a whisper suddenly resonated around me. "Emily!" the whisper came again, like a choir of soft voices that called me from all around. I wildly tried to seek the source of the sounds, feeling almost desperate in my desire to have at least this tiny contact with someone, anyone, that could be there. I did not want to be alone anymore, but even more, I did not want to face that horrible evil that had initially attempted to take me with it. The little light was still in front of me, and I realized that it had turned a little brighter as if it were responding to the echoing voices. Desirous of keeping this little bit of warmth and light close to me, and wishing to do something more than just remain here incarcerated in this dark place, I brought the light closer to me and said: "Who are you?"

"Come, Emily, come," the voices echoed again.

"Where? What do you want!" I asked, my emotions going into overdrive from the shock, the uncertainty, and the fear that was still inside me.

"Come and see," the voices responded at the same time that I noticed the sparkle growing some more.

I was riddled with doubt, I was riddled with fear, but the desire to get out of this darkness, to feel some warmth and see some light again, overrode any negative answers or any reservations I could have had. I would follow those voices and hold on to my tiny light because they were the only things that were keeping me from sinking into complete despair.

"Okay", was all I said. I did not even question where I was going, or what was happening; all I wanted was to get out of here.