Turmoil in the Mind

Nickson B. Park

...….

"What is your plan, sir?" Chung-hee leans his head near mine and whispers to me his question. His frigid breath tickles my nape as he talks to me.

I freeze on the spot, unsure of what answer I should give him. My mind turns blank, and I have little idea of what to do with this situation.

I want to run away and never return to this place, thinking that none of this ever happens. In the back of my head, I also yearn to converse with my older brother. He seems to act lost, wandering over to the adjacent street.

My feet slowly move in my brother's direction, wanting to end this suffering once and for all. However, something comes up inside my mind that hinders me from proceeding.

The poignant memories with him surface before me as if reminding the hatred I have long buried. Within a minute, all those events flash through my eyes and almost last forever.

"Master Seo-jun, wake up." It is Chung-hee who awakens me from my hellish nightmare, with a light tap on my shoulders. His sincere smile softly breaks my angst as I revert to my usual persona.

"Welcome back to reality, kid." Wilson teases me with his words and shifts the gentle tapping into more of a slap which jerks my body backwards. The old man laughs at my reaction and helps me stand.

Suddenly, a heavy downpour appears from above, wetting everything surrounding me. My butler, always prepared, opens an umbrella and shields us from the rain. On his side is a spare umbrella, knocking my thighs.

"It is not the time to feel blank. You need to make a move right now," Chung-hee marks my brother together with a random stranger walking down the road.

"You have four options to choose from: meet with your brother directly and give him this umbrella, send me to him and I will give him this bumbershoot, leave him be in this pouring rain. What do you want to do?" Wilson's voice echoes through my ear, with the rain affecting my sense of direction.

"What is the fourth one? You have never mentioned that to me!" I raise my eyebrow to Wilson, who seems amused about the situation.

Chung-hee then heaves out a sigh, tired of seeing my quaint expression.

"Or, you can hire that guy and give him the umbrella. That idea could work too, sir Nickson." Wilson confesses and hands out the spare umbrella in my hand. He gives me a wink, as if he already knows what I plan to do with the umbrella in my hands.

I instinctively give him a nod, knowing that the latter is the ideal thing that I could do! Besides, there is no reason to meet my older brother since he despises me with his heart. Even if we meet right now, there is a slimmer of chance things would patch up with a single talk.

Wilson closes his eyes as if he already expected the outcome. With the umbrella grip on my hands, I secretly travel the road and approach the young man.

I bribe the wandering bloke and tell him everything that I want. I even give him a tip since I will offer my brother a job that he might take an interest in the restaurant and the offered salary. I own a restaurant from downtown, right across a busy street after passing by our school. It is not a famous diner, but a cheap business that I have to test out my products before making them in my company.

Thankfully, the stranger agrees to my offer and accepts my fifty thousand Yen as a prize for him to give the umbrella and showcase the restaurant, with my fake business card.

The random person talks with my brother and gives him the umbrella. At first, my brother gets pissed off and attempts to hurl the umbrella away. I already gave the stranger a heads up, so now he proceeds at the back-up plan, Plan B.

The stranger hands him over the extra ten thousand cash to my older brother as a token of appreciation. Seeing the lump of Yen, my brother quickly takes it away from him, together with the umbrella. I can even see his eyes narrowing down, feeling someone is pulling the string behind.

Because of the immediacy of his needs, my brother expresses his appreciation to the guy and stores the money. To conclude their talk, the random person offers him a job, with the fake advertisement in his hands.

My brother, taking advantage of the situation, accepts the suggestion and waves him goodbye.

The stranger afterwards waves his hands in return and bows, thanking me for the sum of money in his hands.

"You are one dirty CEO, Seo-jun," Wilson expresses his thoughts to me and moves back to the car with a snicker on his face. He feels refreshed now that I have seen my long-lost brother right now, but in a divergent circumstance.

Based on his clothes a while ago, he looks like he does not have enough money to purchase his needs. My brother's hair is all rising skywards as if someone casts him as a mad-scientist for a play. He even wets his lips every time he speaks, making me think he is thirsty and needs a drink.

My brother looks like a homeless man, trying to live his life through the streets.

"Wilson!" I turn around and call out for my butler, who is on his phone, calling someone familiar.

"I already got you, sir. You don't have to worry about anything." My butler motions his fingers for me to get in the car. I follow his command and sit right next to the driver's seat with my seatbelt strapped around my shoulder, down to my waist.

Wilson and I hire someone to monitor the whereabouts of my brother. After an hour of arriving inside my house, we got a call from the informant, telling us that my older brother is currently living inside an abandoned car with his valuables inside. The car belongs to him when he is still the CEO of his company. Right now, he uses this automobile as his shelter for the rain and the scorching sun. Fortunately, the site he lives in is around the abandoned hotel. The guards roaming around the vicinity let him slide off the hook, considering his state. According to my informer, they have given my brother a month's worth before relocating to a different site.

Having the business card in his hands, with the extra money, helps him swim in the heavy rain.

However, seeing my brother in that condition never gives me happiness. I could feel guilty for his circumstances, given that I am a part of his family.

"If only I were there with him, then my brother would have never suffered in the streets." An unseen force blares through my mind as I recall the elated times with my brother.

But at some point, our paths diverged, leading to many struggles in life. Now we are paying the price for our actions, and I change and let go of my personality. The fragile Nickson turns out to be a ferocious boss who spares nobody inside his company.

I am a devil that everyone dislikes but respects during work hours.

Fortunately, every time that my mind goes rogue, Wilson, my butler, shakes me back to reality and shapes me as a person.

I want to become a human that can empathise with the people surrounding me.

I feel my heart gradually changing because of those times. However, that is not enough to carve my labyrinth of expressions deep inside my heart.

Some nights make me cry, while others leave me broken. I do not know why, but I feel responsible for the change of my family, especially with my brother.

Everything feels complicated when the topic is about money. It is the root of our evil, but our source of achievement.

Upon pondering, I gaze at the night sky, beautifully designed by the enormous glass. It is the only light that paves away my darkness inside my heart since the time that I live here in Japan.

"The only reason I am here is because of you, Sung-ho." My reflection stares back at me, scrutinising even my soul. The luminance from the background highlights my face, allowing me to focus on my eyes.

I slowly reach out for my temples and take off my glasses, revealing another self inside of me. Upon looking at the frame once again, the lights coming from the other side vanish, leaving me with a dull reflection of myself, like a mirror.

There are no lights that amplify my body or even designs that boost my confidence. All I can see is a mask behind the CEO called "Seo-jun".

"This is not me." I take a step closer to my window and feel the smooth texture of the glass. My image mimics my every movement. But somehow, I can feel a sluggish sleight of ideas that splits us apart.

"If only I did not change, then I could have helped him until now." The words ring into my head as if an alarm clock is ready to explode.