That Kind Of Feeling

"I just think some women aren't made to be mothers. And some women aren't made to be daughters."

"You're a mother, Ma. You're also a monster. But so am I, which is why I can't turn away from you."

*

"You know what? I'm so bored." I was staring at my feet as the Dark Spirits curiously studied my face. The presence of the vicious spirit near me made me nauseous. "I'm so tired of people like you." When I raised my head and looked angrily into the face of the rapist spirit, he was nervously away from me.

"I know you," he said, unable to control the trembling of his voice. As he moved further away from me, he mustered up his courage and pointed his index finger at me. "You are their child." I frowned and wanted to shout no. However, I was never their child. They were never my family.

"No..." I said shaking my head. "No…" I started walking backward, but they were there. The only way to escape from them was to destroy this forest with all my power, but I wanted to look at their faces one last time.

I remember everything you gave me. I know the number of days you laughed at my painful cries. Even if I want to forget the day I killed you, I can't. The day I became a murderer for the first time. The day I killed my mom and dad.

*

"I want to try something new, honey." I was trying to breathe when my father grinned and hugged my mother's naked body because the deep cuts on my body were hurting me. "I don't want to delay any longer." I gagged at what I saw when the man I had to call Dad took off his boxer and threw it aside. My eyes were wide, he wouldn't do that to me, would he? He shouldn't have done this to me, should he? A father wouldn't love his daughter like that, would he?

Father? He was not my father. He was just a stranger. I had spent years seeing his face, his body, and his evils, but I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't do this.

I could have sworn I heard the sound of death as the stranger's hideous body began to approach me. I was sure that instead of going through this pain, making people suffer would be lighter. Yes, I should have made them suffer. Right. Otherwise, I would never be me again.

I closed my eyes tightly as I started yelling, tearing my throat out. My scream was so loud that I could hear my parents shaking to the ground and groaning in pain. But still, I did not open my eyes, I continued to shout. I let all the pain that had accumulated in my body drain and I was liberated. I didn't open my eyes, I shouted until my voice was hoarse. I shouted until I had no voice to be heard.

When I opened my eyes hours later, my parents were lying dead on the floor. Every inch of the room was covered in blood, and only the skeletons of my foster parents' bodies remained. All the wounds on my body were completely healed. But each one left a mark.

When I turned my eyes to the tightly closed windows, I thought that maybe if I opened those windows that were covered in layers, the sun could rise as a new beginning, but my body fell to the ground before I could take a few steps. As my eyes closed softly, I stretched both my hands towards the window as if to try to open them, but my mind did not allow any more.

*

"Reverie." said a voice. A woman. A mother. The murderer of my childhood. When I turned my head towards her, all the spirits had moved aside, her body was naked as I had remembered her before, and she had a dirty smile on her face. "I miss you so much." When my eyes shifted to the man next to her, he looked the same, but his smile was like a hungry animal. A man. A father. The killer of my dreams.

"You look so beautiful." The words the stranger said did not want to enter my mind because they sounded disgusting. "Why did you kill us? Didn't we take good care of you? Didn't we put breadcrumbs in your mouth every time you cried? Didn't we make you drink water from the toilet every time you were thirsty? Didn't we leave you in front of the fireplace for hours every time you got cold? Why did you do this to us?"

My mother held out her hands to me after my father was silent, but I just smiled. "It felt good to kill you," I said spitting. They both frowned in shock. The emotional abuse was over. "I killed you in a way befitting you. I left nothing but your bones. I killed you just as you killed me, Mom and Dad. Do you know why I did this to you?" I raised both my hands in the air and turned my face towards the sky. This was not the time to cry and whine. "Because I followed you and became a monster."

No, that wasn't true. I couldn't be a monster. I couldn't accept being like them. I had dreams. I had to run on the roads I had to walk because I didn't have much time left. Now I was crying because I was more regretful and sad than ever before.

What was it to love, to be loved, to live, to breathe, to dream, to smile? What was it like to truly live like a human being? Could someone one day teach me how to live?

While my hands were in the air, I was screaming again when my power, which I could not control, started leaking from all over my body, but this time my problem was different. I didn't hate them, they couldn't make me suffer anymore. If I had to kill the dead and evil again, it wasn't my fault. It was his fault, it was Pars' fault. It was all his fault.

I didn't want this power. I didn't want to hurt anyone, even if I hurt. I didn't want to be like them. When all the Dark Spirits, including my mother and father, were screaming and disappearing, I opened my eyes and silenced my screams, feeling no more evil presence around me. My white power had destroyed the entire dark forest. All the evil beings in the dark forest had vanished, and my white power, the power I didn't know exactly, was spreading throughout the forest, lighting up the night. When I turned my eyes to Pars, who was watching me from afar, I looked at his face as if to say you are right. I could kill without hesitation.

But remember, the green-eyed monster. I can keep some things alive either.

Before the white power re-entered my body, I raised one hand in the air, making the forest grow more beautifully than before. I had never done anything like this before, I didn't even know if I had this power, but I heard a voice. He whispered to me at my most pathetic state. The day I killed my mom and dad.

"Those hands that destroyed you because of the sadness that was placed on your back will one day learn to create with a smile."

I had a nightmare long ago. I was sitting in the dark tiny room. The faces that appeared on the dark walls started to shout at me and I covered my ears with both my hands, but in no way could I suppress the disturbing sound of those screams. I was in a similar situation now, but this time I was going to cut off my ears to not hear the screams.

When the forest grew back and cleared of all that was bad, the white power was drawn into me. When I came out of the forest by walking through the trees, Pars was waiting at the entrance of the forest. A sob escaped my throat at that moment, as he smiled gently as if he knew I needed him and opened his arms to me. I didn't know if he was playing games with me, but I didn't care.

I didn't know what to do, I tried to smile with tears in my eyes as I stood there shaking, my hands and feet trembling, but I couldn't. I didn't even get a chance to lift my head when he took a few big steps and came in front of my body because as he came in front of me, he wrapped both his arms around me and pressed my head against his hard chest. His face was buried in my hair. Under his hard chest, his heart was beating like crazy. My heart was about to stop.

"Is this what it feels like to be loved?" I whispered. He pulled his head back and pulled me away from his chest and looked into my tear-filled eyes. He smiled as if he were smiling at a child.

"No…" he said, his pupils trembling. He was lying. I wanted to believe he was lying because there wouldn't be any universe where his cold arms wouldn't make me feel good even if I hated him. "It's definitely not that kind of feeling."

At that moment, he lied looking me in the eyes because I was sure he believed that being loved was an innocent act. However, I wanted to explore the distorted state of love with him. I wanted to mix the heat and the cold and make the hell out of it. He wanted it too, I knew it. I didn't know what he wanted, but I heard his heart beating like crazy, which never quickened.

I had to find out what that heart was beating for.