chapter 1 - cosmos

lightweight footsteps scurry across the glassy floor of the porcelain tile of the apartment you rented. perhaps you shouldn't have been in a rush, since you never have been for anything for the past few years living in this boring, lifeless city. but tonight was somewhat special, tonight was a night meant for feeling a feeling you hadn't felt since the year prior. no, it wasn't your birthday, since each day is a day closer to death and there's no need for a milestone that dreary. no, no it was the day you left that god awful place. there was wind, you felt it on your face, from your running up the stairs of the stairwell. it would burn your thighs the moment you stopped, but it was worth it because everyone knows that the elevator moves at an inch per minute and you didn't want the day to pass away just yet. if only you had convinced your manager earlier he'd let you off before 10:30 pm. you didn't anticipate the slowness of late night subway trains carrying through the underground to your home above the ground. damn repairs. complaining is your strong suit, but it's not that it mattered anymore you thought to yourself as you breezed past the fourth floor.

no use for that just make it before 12

when you finally got to the fifth floor of this shitty complex, you rushed out the door of the stairwell, dashing to the apartment which said 5-31. you already had your keycard in hand, and swiped it, and rushed inside, slamming your door immediately. loud slams in the span of a few seconds. the cake you got yesterday was sure to be there, kicking off the worn sneakers before stepping further into your home. tossing your scarf, jacket, and bag to the floor you go to your fridge and take the cake out of it to put on your low table. before you open it though, you go to wash your hands (because cleanliness is next to godliness) and you look at the time it's 11:23 pm you still have time- great. you grab a clean fork from the drying rack beside the sink.

thank you God, for letting me escape

you opened the box, looking at the cake. the first year was a cake you made from a box that you found at the supermarket. last year you felt like ice cream was the move, but this year you had the proper funds. you got it at a bakery down the street, a custom-made strawberry shortcake with whipped cream and bunny-shaped chocolate decorations. if you ever felt happiness again, this would be it. food would always be something to look forward to, especially good food. it wasn't like you got the chance to do it often, resorting to shitty frozen dinner. sinking your fork into the soft airy confection, you picked up a big bite: the cake was fluffily yellow and had two layers, the centre filling was sweet strawberry jelly, all encased with the cream frosting. delicious. wonderful. when you had your fill, it was around 11:45pm. you gorged what you enjoyed before boxing up the remains of the cake and returning it to your fridge. you went to prepare for bed, with a brisk shower scented of freshness and vague perfume. you look in the mirror of the sink as you brush your teeth, seeing yourself, tired and with shorter hair than you had when you left [redacted for safety].

it's nice

it's nice to feel Free is this Free

whatever it is i miss that feeling from before

fighting was hard but i miss fighting for being Free

you shake your head as if to shake away this remembrance. you spit out the soapy white foam and rinse your mouth. crisp mint permeates your senses as you head to bed, wearing a loose t-shirt and your underthings. you check your phone you've left charging by the windowsill on the nightstand you have. 11:57pm. makes sense, you've always been quick about moving and having to hide or shield from that person, from [data expunged].

[YOU WERE NEVER MEANT TO LEAVE]

[STUPID CHILD]

[YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT US, WITHOUT THIS FAMILY]

[*SLAPS RESOUND IN THE ROOM YOU WERE IN WITH DATA EXPUNGED* DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY]

[GOOD CHILDREN STAY]

[* YOU LOOK AT DATA EXPUNGED WITH KNOWING TEARS* --- I'M SORRY]

[*ANOTHER SLAP ACROSS THE FACE* JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU STUPID CHILD I'LL DO SOMETHING AWFUL IF YOU STAY IN FRONT OF ME!]

[*YOU SMILE AND NOD*]

[*OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO APOLOGIZE TO SHUT IT*]

[* WALK OUT THE ROOM. GO UP THE STAIRS. * IT IS SO DARK, IT IS SO LONG, THE WAY UP. WILL YOU EVER MAKE IT?]

you shake your head once again, but you know that celebration meant it was a joy or something overcoming all the bad that happened to you in that house, in that family. you open the curtains of the window beside your bed just slightly. the moon and stars shine on through your empty consciousness- did you have a reason to go on living anymore? is spite all that motivates you? where's the spark, where's the fire? it resides in you no longer, unfortunately. you check the time again, 11:59pm. you hold the phone in your hands, looking at the unchanging time before looking skyward again. no time at all passed.

God please allow me to feel again

your phone says 12:00am as you set it down, but it's not like you would have known that. slowly and softly your eyes close, your body closing down as your mind seeks respite. soft sheets, cold fingers. perfect conditions for a good night's rest.

slowly. you descend.

or was it that you were floating?

"Please, open your eyes." You heard a voice, and for whatever reason you felt compelled to obey it, your eyes opening to the white void. You seemed to be suspended in mid-air or floating, but you still had possession over your body. You twisted around and looked up to the endlessness of white that you were surrounded by, and when you looked down, you saw a dark mercury-like substance, swirling, and swishing. Perhaps you were imagining it, but there was darkness emanating from below you in that mercury. That liquid was metal, you recalled, as the substance began to ripple in a circular pattern.

"Please move aside." The voice seemed to be coming all around, but you guess that it's just dream logic. You move your body to the back of wherever you floated as a body of light emerged from the floor. It felt like you were watching some old magic girl transformation sequence on youtube when you were eight or so. This body of light had a radiance that slowly melted away into the body, an exoskeleton that sheds a new body. You never knew God as a woman but you knew it to be true as violet irises trained their gaze onto you. She smiles a wry smile, you notice her irises now look white and unnatural, she reaches with her wooden and smooth hands to hold your cheek. "What is it that you desire, my child?", she asks.

"Please, God, please let me feel alive again- like I used to when I was younger", you earnestly request. Earnestly searching for an answer in her eyes, like empty opulence, you wait for the reply. How much like a child you were, at your age of twenty-three, how much you relied on the decisions another makes for you, how badly you needed it. God's laugh was like twinkling amongst windchimes against the summer breeze and you were mesmerized. God squeezes- pinches your cheek like how [data expunged] would if she were a real mother. You felt so loved.

"Oh darling, whoever told you I was God? I am much more and less than that. I am just something that's inside of you, and everyone. I'm that very feeling, this 'alive' you want to chase. I will give it to you. I will give a blessing to you." Her eyes were just so odd, in her left eye was a purple pupil, in the shape of an 'x' and the other was a yellow pupil, in the shape of a '+' sign. Oh how otherworldly, how ethereal she looked in this strange chasm of a dreamscape.

These words confused you. Who could she be if she was not God? Who would God be? "Then- then what should I call you?"

She laughs again, ringing clear and true. Not-God closes her eyes, and reopens them, face leaning terribly close to yours. She smiles, and taps your forehead, a magical spell to bring you home, you somehow recognize. "You will know the answer when you wake up."

so suddenly you fell.

almost as if your body was made with weighted lead.

it was a departure too soon.

you woke up, feeling warm and fulfilled. a wave of catharsis washes over your body, settling in the pool of acid in your stomach. you'd never felt quite like this, not even in that place. it was a satisfaction only seen on silver screens, a desire multiplied and sated was nothing you had ever felt until this morning. you turn to your side, expecting to see the view of the outside world that your window lent you for these past few years. you did not expect to see someone else by your side. there was a man lying next to you, hair like black tea steeped in luxurious milk. his breathing was soft, you breathlessly gasp and shake the sleeping man next to you.

excuse me excuse me

what was this? was this something that person, being in your dream meant by a blessing? sitting up in place, you turn your body to the man, lying in your yellow and floral patterned comforter. like you were possessed, your hand went to his cheek, caressing the smooth skin. it was like banana ice cream, once you had a taste, you wanted more. it's a good thing you stopped yourself from doing any more creepy actions, and scolded yourself mentally- get a grip! to the task at hand:

"hello who are you"

"please wake up"

his eyelashes flutter like the flapping of a dove's wings. when the birds had departed, you were left with a golden gaze. if eyes could somehow become molten in the deepest darkest parts of the earth, it would be a volcano. now release the eruption from in your bed, you decide, wake the slumbering. your breath returns to you as he wakes up and smiles like a calmness, a quietness you were forbidden from.

"hello"