Chapter 10

"NO!" I sit up abruptly, aiming my gun in front of me. It takes me a minute to realise that I am not in an alley and Connor is not standing in front of me. I'm in my bedroom, pointing my gun at the wall in front of me. Gingerly, I lower my gun, placing it back under my pillow after making sure the safety is off. I'm sweating bullets and I curse as I realise that my hands are shaking. Glancing at the clock beside me, it reads 4.30am. Sighing, I get out of bed feeling parched. The nightmares were there every night but the past few nights have been terrible. What I would give just for one night of uninterrupted sleep. Shrugging on my long cardigan, I quietly open my door and head downstairs to the kitchen. I open the fridge to grab a bottle of water, my eyes falling on the leftover birthday cake from my party. It was hard to imagine that just a few hours ago, I was happy and having the time of my life. Gulping down the cool liquid, I step out into the backyard which had become my personal sanctuary during my stay. I found that coming down here after my nightmares woke me up calmed me. I had always loved the night even as a child. There was something so beautiful about it, hauntingly dangerous. Luciano's mansion was quite a distance from the city so you could actually see the stars and not hear any traffic. Leaning against the pillar, I take a deep breath to clear my head but the images continue playing like a slideshow.

"It's beautiful isn't it?"

I whirl around startled at the sudden intrusion. Standing in the doorway is none other than Luciano Moretti, clad in a pair of sweatpants and T-shirt. Ignoring the way his clothes fit his chiselled body perfectly, I turn back around eyes snapping up to the sky again.

"Why are you up at this hour?"

He silently moves forward, leaning against the pillar opposite me. Fixing his intense grey gaze on me, he says "I would ask you the same thing if it weren't for the fact that you've been coming out here almost every night like clockwork."

I raise an eyebrow at him, "Stalking me, Vincenzo?"

He smirks,"I always know what goes on in my territory, dolchezza."

That was true. The guy was like a freaking ninja, he had eyes and ears all over the place. Hell, all over the country.

We stand there in silence for a while, enjoying the cool night breeze.

"You look tired." He notes, still looking at me.

I wave him off, "that's what coffee is for."

He doesn't fall for it though. "I have a feeling caffeine can't fix this."

I inhale sharply, hating that he was so astute.

It can't. I don't voice it out though, choosing to change the subject.

"Thank you for the surprise party. You didn't have to do anything. I don't usually celebrate my birthday."

He doesn't comment on my evasiveness, choosing to humour me.

"Why?"

"What why?"

"Why don't you celebrate your birthday?"

I send him a dry look, "Who exactly am I gonna go out with, Vincenzo? I don't know if you've noticed but I don't exactly have a social life."

He rolls his eyes at my tone, "Then I'm glad I changed that this year." I shift slightly, causing my pendant to glint in the moonlight.

"You're wearing it." He says in a slightly surprised tone.

"Why wouldn't I?It's beautiful. Thank you again."

"Glad you like it. I wasn't sure if you would accept it."

I look at him incredulously, "of course I would accept it. It's an honour really."

He smirks at me, "of course it's an honour. Not everyone is lucky enough to receive a personal gift from me."

I rolls my eyes at his arrogance. "Tone down that ego big guy."

""You got the big part right."

"Vincenzo!"

He laughs lightly and I can't help but chuckle at him.

We fall back into silence but I don't mind. It isn't awkward.

"I was 16 the first time I killed a man." I turn to Luciano but he keeps his gaze up on to the sky.

"He was one of my father's men who betrayed us for money. He leaked details on a weapons shipment to one of the rival gangs and got one of our guys killed in the shootout. Tony was a good man, a friend to my father and an uncle to me and Emilia. That was the first time I felt that kind of rage and I channeled it all into punishing the mole. When I pulled the trigger, I felt nothing. No guilt, no regret, just this numbness and a sliver of joy. I had avenged Tony, gotten justice for him and his family. A week later, however, everything changed."

"What changed?"

He turns to me, a humorless smile on his face.

"I found out that he had a daughter. A 10 year old."

I nod, understanding completely.

"He betrayed us, he caused Tony's death but all I could think about was the fact that that little girl had lost her father and I was the cause of it. I wasn't myself for days, I couldn't sleep, eat. I had become a zombie."

He turns to me, holding me captive with his gaze.

"One night, my dad came into my room. He sat down on me bed and said,"Son, I've been exactly where you are right now. Trust me, I know how you feel. But, you did what you had to do to protect this family and it won't be the last time. I can only tell you this, when you take a life, make sure it is for the right reasons. Never ever hurt someone just because you can."

"You and I are not saints, cara, but in our world, it it kill or be killed. Many out there wonder how we can live with ourselves doing what we do, how we're able to sleep at night and the truth is, it's not easy. This life, it eats away at you bit by bit and it's easy to lose yourself. My father always said that my mother is his safe harbor, the reason he has something to live for. My family is that reason for me but I long for the day that I find my own safe harbor. That's why I think you're the strongest person I know. You're fighting all these demons within you but you never show it. You do what you have to do to protect others, even if it's at the cost of losing yourself."

I stare at Luciano, my throat closing up at the look on his face. There were no traces of pity or sympathy which I was thankful for, just sincerity and a trace of pain.

I tear my gaze away from his, not wanting him to see my eyes turn glassy.

Closing my eyes briefly, I swallow the slight lump in my throat.

"It's always the same scene,"my voice slightly hoarse. I can feel him looking at me but I don't meet his gaze.

"I'm standing in the alley, Isabelle lying in front of me. Her eyes are blank, unseeing. I look up and Isaac is standing nearby but his eyes are not like his mother's. His are full of hate and anger, all directed at me. You killed her. You're a monster, he screams at me. Then, Connor appears out of nowhere, that stupid sick smirk on his face. I see the gun in his hand and I reach for mine but I'm too late. The shot echoes through the alley and I watch Isaac fall to the ground, next to his mother. I normally wake up at that point but ever since Connor broke into my apartment, it's gotten worse. Instead of Isaac, its-its Frankie standing there and you're on the ground. Sometimes, it's one of the others."

I hear Luciano inhale sharply and I turn to face him, expecting to see pity or disgust on his face Instead, his face is full of anger but it's not directed at me.

"We're gonna get that bastardo and I'm gonna enjoy making him suffer." His voice then loses the anger and turns soft yet firm.

"You cannot blame yourself for what happened to Isabelle, Alessandra."

I shake my head at him, scoffing. "I may not have pulled the trigger but her blood is on my hands. I should have known that Connor-"

"That Connor would what? That he would kidnap an innocent woman and kill her just to get you? That he was this sick and crazy? None of us could have known that, cara. Yes, Connor has always been a piece of shit but this, no one could have seen this coming. That he was capable of this."

I sigh tiredly, a part of me knowing that he was right. A wave of determination washes over me and I look at Luciano.

"I won't let him hurt anyone else this time. He's not going to lay a finger on any one of you."

Luciano nods, agreeing with me. He takes a step closer, the look in his eye matching mine.

"You and I, we're unstoppable dolchezza. He doesn't stand a chance."

I smirk, my mind drifting to all the things I'm gonna do to that fucker.

"You're not a monster." I'm brought back to reality by Luciano's words. His voice is uncharacteristically soft, almost tender and those grey orbs of his are seeing straight through me.

"You're many things Alessandra Morino but a monster is not one of them. If you lose yourself to those demons, then he has won."

I cock my head slightly, looking at him. I mean, really looking at him as if I'm meeting him for the first time and in a way I was. I had met the real Luciano tonight, the one that the world doesn't get to see and I liked it. He didn't look at me in pity or disgust, he was blunt yet tender. He told me not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear and I appreciated that more than he could ever understand. He shifts almost nervously under my piercing gaze and I smirk slightly at how the tables have turned.

"You're a good man, Luciano Moretti. A bit of an asshole but a good man."

He chuckles at my words before turning serious and I can see the honesty in his expression.

"I'm glad I met you, Alessandra Morino." I don't get the chance to reply, but whatever reply I would have said gets caught in my throat when he gently pulls me into a hug. I'm too surprised to respond but he doesn't seem to mind. Instead, he moves his head to my ear, so close that I could smell the mint in his breath.

"Happy birthday, dolchezza."

He pulls away, smiling that same smile that knocked the breath out of me in the car the other night before walking back into the house, leaving me frozen on his back patio.

"And he still does it. I mean, how hard is it to put the toilet seat back down? Every single ti-Alessa, earth to Ms Morino" I flinch backwards, blinking rapidly as Emilia waves her hand in front of me, a questioning look on her face.

I shake my head, snapping out of my thoughts.

"What's up with you? You've been acting weird all morning."

"Sorry, I'm just really tired." I wasn't lying, I had barely gotten any sleep last night but that wasn't what was running through my head.

Emilia sends me a worried look,"You sure? No offense, you look kinda sick."

I attempt a smile, although I'm pretty sure it came out as a grimace.

"I'm good. Actually, I think I'm gonna go lie down for a bit."

She nods at me, "Okay, call me if you need anything."

I smile at her, heading towards the stairs.

"Oh and Emilia,"

She turns back to me and I send her a smirk,"Just threaten to withhold sex from Angelo and I'm sure he'll be putting down the toilet seat in no time."

Her face brightens at my idea and she chuckles evilly.

"You're the best, babe."

I laugh and head to my room. Poor Angelo, although he really should start putting the seat down.

Stepping into my room, I shut my door and sit on the edge of my bed. Staring at the wall in front of me, I attempt to gather my scrambled thoughts.

Stop being a coward and admit it. My subconscious speaks up and I roll my eyes at her.

There's nothing to admit. I'm just tired and it's messing with my head.

He's messing with your head, idiot.

In case you haven't noticed, my subconscious was a joy to listen to. Note the sarcasm.

He's just a guy. I don't let guys get into my head like this.

Clearly, you failed this time round.

Aaargh. I flop onto my pillow and shut my eyes. Let me tell you something about myself. I've never been in a serious relationship, not because no one wanted to date me but because I wanted it that way. I had been on a few dates here and there and they were nice and all, but they were just regular men. Regular men with regular jobs and regular lives. For obvious reasons, I couldn't tell them who I really was and I wasn't going to be in a relationship based on lies. I could always date men who were in my line of work, say someone at CCC but I had a strict policy of not dating coworkers, not that I would anyways.I had been on a date once with another assassin but it was...meh. Long story short, I never met someone who could make me feel like I was just Alessandra. I had always been in control of my emotions..until last night.

I had never told anyone about my dreams, not even Thomas. Opening up about my feelings was foreign to me but there was just something about Luciano that made me want to lower my walls a little and let him in. It was almost as if my subconscious knew that he could be trusted and I hated that. I was fucking terrified. Before I came here, I thought I knew how he was gonna be, the kind of person he was. Now, after being here for almost a month and seeing who he really was, I realised that I was wrong. Well, not completely wrong. He was arrogant, dominant, stubborn and a real dick at times but he was also so much more than that.

I wasn't blind, I admit that he's handsome, sexy as fuck but I was never one to be attracted purely based on looks. Last night seemed to have opened a whole new door to me and it wasn't just because he let his walls down and let me in or because he somehow got me to open up. It was because he hugged me. God, I sound like some teenage girl. I know that technically I had hugged him first during my birthday party but that was different. Last nights hug was..different. I knew I was probably reading too much into this and it was an innocent hug,meant to comfort me a little. But I had felt his warm muscular body pressed against mine, that signature scent of him engulfing me and holding me hostage in his arms. I could still feel his lips against my hair, his voice low in my ear.

Groaning, I bury my face in my pillow. I really needed to get laid. It had been too long and now, I was losing my mind over a hug. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, begging my brain to shut off so I could get some sleep.

You wish, my subconscious says snarkily and I let out another groan. Eventually, I drift off, having some bizarre dream about pancakes. I pass it off as part of my weird dream but I could almost swear I felt someone lightly kiss my forehead. When I wake up a few hours later, I notice that someone had entered my room and placed a blanket over me. That person had also drawn my curtains shut and I tell myself that it was probably Emilia checking up on me.

Right, and she totally kissed your forehead before she left.

I really hate my subconscious sometimes.