Hello

Hello, I am the narrator of this story, Joeanna Smith, because it's my own. I know what one of your first thoughts may be, the first and last name just doesn't match. Yeah, I think the same thing.

One's long and distinct, while the other is common and short, and it's not necessarily something that roles off the tongue. I had actually never noticed it until the present. In the past I cherished the plain last name because it meant that I was apart of something, and I would always hate my unique, first name because it was different. That meant it could be judged. Just like everything and anything else. Now I also know what you must be thinking now, "Wow that was depressing." Well if you were born into my family you'd think in the exact same way.

The main and most prominent lesson my parents taught me that still sticks in the back of my head even today was: "Be what others want to see." Whether it be someone you don't know at all, or our neighbors, you are to keep your composure. Don't cry, don't laugh too loudly, and most importantly- do not lash out or get angry. Especially in public for people to see. If you have to have a breakdown, do it within your own four, hidden walls because we do not, I repeat, do not need our reputations being tarnished.

As a matter a fact- just try not to show your emotions at all. It'll be easier that way. In the end if you do all of this everything will be just fine.

Now even though they've never said this to my face, I've learned over the years to actually hear and decode what they truly mean. I've learned to dust off all of the sugar on the surface of their words and see the rot further within them. Even when I was younger I always felt that the tone in their voices were bittersweet and contradicting to what they were actually trying to tell me. Always so passive..if I hadn't grown up with it, and it became a part of my daily routine, I would have gone insane. Actually I retract that- I would have had a meltdown.

The constant motto of: "We must keep our perfect, white, picket fence up no matter what. Even if it means that you don't get to be yourself because you will become something even better. You'll become whatever we want you to." That could and would drive anyone mad. Maybe others wouldn't have been such a slow burn just like me, and thankfully so because I would never wish that on anyone.

If you're going to be scorched by fire it would be better for it to happen quickly and all at once. Then at least you would be given some type of mercy. What most don't understand until it's too late, myself included, is that the small burns over time are never noticed. Therefore they are never treated, and the scars build up over time until the cover you completely.

But I did just that. I never thought for myself, and I never dared do what I wanted. If I wish to be apart of my own family I had to do what they wished, and I played the role very well. Trained at such a young age I became what they want and more. But this doesn't mean that things weren't taken from me. My independence and originally were stripped of me, and I became their pretty, little doll that they show off to their friends to make them envious. And it was always mandatory to wear my best smile when they did because the only obligation I had was to look absolutely and unwaveringly perfect.

And to them asking that of me was never deemed as "too much". No, it was only the bare minimum. They would expect much more.

Thinking back now I feel terrible for what my brother must have gone through, but at the time I couldn't find it in myself to pity him. He would truly embody everything they wanted with ease. Even when they piled even more expectations onto his back for being the oldest. Something I can say indefinitely now is that I will be eternally grateful for him being the only one in my biological family to stand by me.

He is one of the few people in my wonderfully peculiar family. The one I got to choose...the one that I was always meant to be with. My true family was made up of the people who genuinely cared for me. The ones who understood and excepted me. My brother who stood beside me in my time of need, my best friend that knows me like no other, my first crush that was oblivious but kind, and last but never least...Her.

Oh she was like a dream. Like something out of a book. Sometimes I can't believe that she's real. Whenever I'm with her I feel like I'm in another world. My very own version of heaven on earth. She was my miracle. She was the one who saw through my masks in a single second, and she was the one who made me want to take them off willingly. In both my highest and lowest moments she held me in her arms with me completely bare. Never have I felt more safe and never so alive. She set me free. To be quite honest, she's the one who saved my life.