Pandora's Box

I stood there for a few minutes, with the clouds continuing to cry on me when Jung grabbed me from behind and pulled me towards the building.

"What the hell?" That was all he could say as he stared at my expressionless face.

I didn't know whether to be happy or scared that my brother saw what he saw. Perhaps terrified because I was trying to find an emotion strong enough to pull me through from the windows of the walls that the chemicals of the pill had built around me.

But I couldn't move.

I was feeling like a talking, moving statue probably did.

"Jungkook!"

"Yeah?"

"Why did that guy just hug you?"

"I don't know," and that was the truth.

Even as logical as I was now, I couldn't see the reason why he'd suddenly return and do what he did.

"What do you mean, you don't know?!"

"Something bad must've happened."

"Honestly…" I started but looked away when I saw his worried yet judgmental expression. "Let's just eat. I'm starving."

I was floating on a metallic cloud and I didn't like it. What choice did I really have though?

When we got inside, I simply walked into my room and locked my door.

"Jungkook, aren't you eating?"

"I need to plug my phone real quick…"

"…Okay."

I was pacing around my room while my phone charged. I waited for it to at least startup so I could see if he had called or messaged me.

It took a while so I just ended up watching the rain and the now empty spot where he had embraced me just a few minutes ago, with no thoughts running through my head.

The more I thought I should be feeling something…anything by now, the more I felt.

Which is basically adrenaline without the anxiety.

Somehow, I wanted the anxiety to be strong enough to smash the wall to pieces just so there would be anything but the void. No matter how much adrenaline my nervous system must have fired inside right now, the pill wouldn't let me feel it.

This pill is nothing besides chemical gaslight.

And it kept raining, and the water kept gathering inside the walls. If it kept going like this, I feared that I will start drowning.

As I looked around my normal-dry room I continued to feel as if an invisible wall was blocking everything I was looking at.

The phone beeped again and again.

"Check your pocket," was the only message he had sent me.

So, I did.

While he was hugging me, he slipped some weed into my jacket… I stared at the ball of aluminum foil as a crazy person would.

I should be feeling relieved, but I can't feel anything.

"Jungkook! I warmed up some chicken and potatoes!"

But I can't smoke when I'm on the pill either. I have to resist...I have to…

"Why did you lock the door again?" I heard Jung trying to turn the doorknob.

I threw the aluminum ball into a box that I then locked with a key. I left the key in the pocket of my jacket as I threw it in the closet at light speed before I opened the door.

"What are you hiding?" He wanted to know as I went outside the room his folded arms and raised brows. I closed the door behind me.

"You know I don't feel safe unless I lock the door after… the incident with that burglar."

"Yeah, but that's been so long ago and we have a security system now!"

"I know it makes no sense, but I just can't help it. Locking it makes me feel better."

I'm also very thankful for that thief since now I can use him as an excuse to lock it. Even though I am still scared of any intruders as well, with security and all.

I sat down and started eating as if I was hungry. Well, I kind of was, but the taste did not register as anything. If it was a chicken or a rat, it would probably be the same for me.

"So, what's your relationship with that guy?"

When he asked that question, someone or something from the back of my mind screamed; Pretend that you're angry! I know you don't feel it, but pretend you are. Or at least indifferent, anything!

In reality, I just stood, unblinking, staring at the red sauce dripping from the piece of potato on my fork as if I was high. I wasn't. I was counting the drips as if they were seconds. Time was passing so fast and I wanted it to. I wanted it to drip faster so the effect of the pill would pass.

I can't sleep when I'm like this and I can't drink while he's here and he won't leave when I'm on the pill.

"Well?"

I was looking him straight in the eyes, and started stating the facts, "We're in the same class. We're friends."

He was leaning towards me, looking stiff, but as he heard this, his whole body seemed to release all tension.

"That's great then."

He smiled.

I smiled, a smile I couldn't feel.

Are we friends, though? Are we together? What does that even mean? The thoughts wouldn't stop.

It didn't rain; it poured. And I was getting drowned inside the walls quickly.

"Dad called."

"Huh?"

"Dad. He called."

"Right, what did he say?"

"He asked about you."

I got up and tossed my plate in the sink.

"Call them once in a while. Please?"

"I will."

"You say that, but you never do."

"Thanks for heating the food."

I closed the door of my bedroom and locked it.

I went straight to my phone and the 'no new messages' stared back at me with mocking letters.

I can talk to him tomorrow. Perhaps I should call him and ask what happened. Won't he assume I don't care otherwise?

I started pacing, and then one eye twitched for no reason.

It made me anxious for a second but the feeling was dull. I assumed it was fear since my heart skipped a beat.

What if I say something weird since I can't feel shit? What if he thinks that I'm weird? What if he asks me to come to his place?

I wasn't running, but I wasn't calmly pacing, either.

What if I can't fall asleep again? What do I do then? What if my brother doesn't leave his girlfriend for days? How will I smoke?!

I started exercising in order to get as tired as possible and to distract myself from myself.

The thoughts wouldn't stop. I wasn't breaking any sweat and even though I kept doing pushups and walked nonstop for almost two hours in my room, I wasn't even yawning. So, I did any exercise I could think of with no breaks and I wasn't even gasping.

Am I having a panic attack and I can't feel it? Am I losing my mind? I want to smoke so bad…but if I smoke now then he might smell it and the effect of the pill is not wearing off…

I looked at the closed box as if it was Pandora's Box.

Why?! Why isn't the effect of the pill fading?!

I looked at the clock; it was 6 PM.

"Fucking! Fuck! Fuck this! Fuck!" I screamed into my pillow and was thankful that my brother couldn't possibly hear me yet something inside me wished he would.

"Are you still alive?" I texted Namjoon since I was losing my mind thinking about everything.

I need answers.

"Yes. You?" He texted back.

"Of course." I texted and then waited. I watched a show while walking in place, checking the phone every thirty minutes.

It was now 9 PM and he did not text a single line.

What if he's upset? What if he's in trouble? Why is my heart beating so fast? Am I having a heart attack? I want to sleep. I want to escape these thoughts that I can't even feel!

"Jungkook?!"

"Yeah?!"

"I am going to the store."

I stopped walking the very second his words translated themselves into my consciousness.

"Do you want anything?!" His voice echoed through my head as the veins in my forehead pulsated.

No. Don't go.

"Some chocolate would be nice!"

"Anything else?!"

"No!"

"Ok!"

As soon as the conversation through the locked door come to its natural ending, I darted to my closet and took the key from my jacket. I opened the locked box, took the aluminum ball and everything else I needed to make a joint, and put it in the pocket of my sweater. I covered the box with some clothes and ran to the door and waited.

The sound of the door shutting and then the key in the lock was for me, the equivalent of a starter's pistol going off, used for competitive running races.

I unlocked my door and ran to the bathroom as fast as I could.

Locked the bathroom door and started rolling. I got the tiny chair we kept in it, put it under the small bathroom window, and then opened the window wide. I got myself as close to it as possible and I would get my head through it if it would fit but alas, it did not. So, I just glued it to its entrance. I got the joint between my lips and then realized.

Shit. The lighter.

I unlocked the bathroom door, ran to my bedroom, got it, ran back, and assumed the previous position.

By the time I inhaled the smoke, I felt that my heart was protesting even more than before. I held it in and released it outside. As cleanly and as straight as I could.

I did this several times until I felt like the time was finally slowing down.

The shop isn't far and a lot of time must've passed by now. I barely cared, but I knew sober me would care if he couldn't smoke anymore.

I did not know if it had been ten minutes or thirty, but I couldn't risk it so I ran back to my room, put everything back in the box, and locked it. I took the tiny key with me as I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and sprayed the hell out of the window and everything around it.

I knew that a lot of smoke couldn't have gotten in, but why would I risk it?

I turned on the shower and as soon as I was completely undressed, I thought I heard the front door opening.

I let out a sigh of relief.

He didn't catch me.

Wait.

I feel relief. A bit… I might…

Then my heart felt like it was breaking. That was what I supposed was happening, but then I considered it was my lungs that suddenly started hurting as my heart continued to run its own race.

I got into the bath while I was holding one hand over my chest. I changed from a shower to a bath immediately and sat down in the still-gathering water.

My walls were high and so was the water now. I was drowning, although I wanted to pretend I wasn't. All that the weed was doing now was making it last longer and intensifying the void to a degree that the void itself was falling inside itself. I was grateful for that pain; I was grateful for any emotion, so I sat with it, literally and practically, as the water gathered in the bathtub.

I wanted to cry but the pill wouldn't let me.

I wanted to scream but pride wouldn't allow me.

I wanted help but no one knew how to help me.

Or at least no one that I knew of.

All that I could do was lay there in my pain as time went slower than it should and the void felt deeper than it did before I smoked.

I didn't wash nor did I move.

I concentrated on breathing in and out.

'Cause listening to my thoughts would not help. Imagining anything would not help. Or running from the void would not work. Therefore, I was laying in the water from both realities and within me.

The walls weren't cracking yet, but I was.

It will be better tomorrow. Tomorrow the effect of the pill will dissipate. After I sleep and get high again, I will feel better. It'll be better. I will. I have to be…

I repeated this to myself like a mantra until the water got cold.

My mouth and face were that of a crying human, but no tears could leave my eyes, and the numbness that no emotion could penetrate replaced the emotion that should have gathered in my chest. I knew that some part of me was crying somewhere. I just couldn't feel its feelings. And that made me want to kill myself.

If humans can't feel. Then what is the point of being human? Our bodies are made for feeling. They're not just for eating, sleeping, and reproducing. We should feel something… shouldn't we? Pills makers...you are the sick ones. Not us.

I thought this to myself as I got a towel. I didn't feel better, but not worse either, so that was a plus in my book. Not running from my emotions was the best I could do, so I didn't fall deeper into despair. No. It was the best thing a human could do in this situation. Running made it unbearable.

I was trying to feel the non-feeling which was a new one for me. It helped me function even if it didn't 'cure' me. It at least subsided the hate I had for myself exponentially.

I tried to smell around for any weed, but all I could sense was the air freshener. I remained still in the bathroom for a while to hopefully make even that smell disappear with the help of the tiny window so that my brother wouldn't come in and smell the flowers that were now overpowering the air itself.

I got out and since he wasn't in the kitchen, I went straight to my room. I crawled into my bed and covered myself with the blanket, and waited.

Waited for my body to tire of fighting the weed or the pill. It had to get tired at some point, but it didn't.

I had to dress up and keep walking in place while the weed made everything last forever. Every second of the show I was trying to pay attention to last an eternity. Every step I took made my legs feel like lead. My heart… my heart wanted to give up as much as I did.

But I kept walking in place. I kept waiting for my body to get tired enough or for the pill's walls to crack. So, a little water could escape. My soul jumped out of my body and then it went back in with a minor disturbance to my awareness.

And when the water that is my feelings finally flooded my prison, at four in the morning, I was as happy as I was sad. But I was feeling something. I wasn't even sure what it was, but I let it penetrate every pore and I embraced it like a parent would embrace a child coming home from war. I welcomed it. Even if the positive emotion lasted one second and the rest was hell. It was better than nothing.

I was still somewhat human.

I crawled into my bed with aching legs and closed my eyes. A small, insane smile graced my lips.

As sleep finally embraced me, I knew I had like two, or three hours at most until my alarm would go off or my brother would knock on my door.

But for a bit, I was happy that I could be unconscious even if it was for a little while. This was as close to peace as I could get in this lifetime. I was just as miserable because the anxiety would come back tomorrow. No matter how much weed I'd smoke, the emotion would only subside to a point in which I could bear feeling it.

The pill itself, however, was a surefire way to make myself feel worse the second the effect went away and despair would keep me dry while the effect was still active.

I hate pills. I need to avoid them… I need to, never again…' That was all I thought about until I fell asleep.

Strangely enough, I dreamt I was running in the rain. It was too dark to see, yet I knew I was looking for my mom and she was somewhere up ahead. However, no matter how much I ran, I couldn't find her. The thoughts from inside my dream kept telling me that I would find her pretty soon and that I should keep going, but no matter how much I ran or how tired I got, she wasn't anywhere.

I woke up to the sound of Jung knocking and my alarm ringing.

"I'm up!"

"Hurry! It's already seven-thirty!"

I raised my head from the pillow in a trance. I stood there for a few minutes, even though the alarm was pissing me off.

The dream's presence and the disappointment I felt remained like the smell of a perfume that would stick to your skin even though you sprayed it on your clothes the night before.

I wanted to tell my dream self that I should just stop running and give up, now that I was awake. After all, my mother never wanted kids. She wasn't in that cold pouring rain because she was with dad by a fireplace, drinking wine and claliming she's yet to take a sip.

"Jungkook! Wake up!"

"I'm up!"

"Then turn off the alarm!"

So I did.

I took a long time eating and in the shower, just so he'd leave first so I could smoke.

It worked.

But to my surprise, I couldn't smoke a lot.

I was too scared of feeling too much now.

The aftereffect of the pill remained like a bullet does after you've been shot.

My hands and legs kept shaking without my consent, and everything was blurry and slow. So was I.

The scenery in front of me was a hazy picture that moved like a willow in a soft breeze. I tried to focus on it but I couldn't. My emotions jumped around like children in puddles. I got anxious one second, and could not feel anything the next.

He's here.

That was the one thought I willfully created as I sat down in my chair and felt like the entire class was spinning alongside me.

I am too high, aren't I?

Suddenly, I was aware that I could not speak or do anything but sit and suffer in silence for the next six hours.

I wasn't doing anything that would invite anyone in my direction but the fear got me to lay my head down on the small desk.

I wanted to talk to Namjoon, but I had no courage or energy left.

Truth be told, it surprised me that I'd made it to school. I wanted to reward myself with something sweet but moving was too much of a punishment.

"Good morning."

The entire class got up as the teacher got in. I, however, was trying to send signals to my legs. I looked down and nothing moved. There was an impulse, but it was so small that I gave up halfway.

"Jeon Jungkook."

Crap.

"Would you please stand up as well? It is not about the action as much as it is about respect."

"I apologize," I mumbled and moved with the speed of a sick slug.

My face must've looked horrible because all anger seemed to be gone the moment his eyes made contact with mine.

We all sat down in unison.

Like educated robots.

I resumed my position as the class continued existing all around me.

Words continued to come from all directions. I wished there was a button I could press and everyone would go mute for a long, long while.

I did not take one note. I didn't register one word. I was waiting for the wind to stop blowing through my cracked walls and for my body to stop shivering.

When the classes were over, I waited for everyone to leave.

My world was quiet again. Well, at least on the outside.

I got up on unsure legs and then heard something from behind.

"Hi."

Namjoon was still here.

"Hi."

We walked without uttering another word.

"You don't look so good."

The person who had disappeared for weeks said to me.

"I mean, I had some bad days, but I will get better."

I was telling the truth and a hopeful lie at the same time.

"Sorry for not calling. I couldn't..."

"No problem. I'm glad that you're also alive and thanks for, uh, yesterday."

"My pleasure." He said smiling.

We reached the exit and thought I shouldn't and I was actually considering not doing it again today, yet I heard myself asking, "Do you want to go to the roof for a bit?"

"You want to smoke?"

Not really… I'm not even sure what it is that I want.

"Yeah."

The rooftop was covered by the shadow of a cloud, and the sun was nowhere in sight.

I got my stuff and watched him lean against the wall, looking far away for a bit.

Why are you so distant suddenly? You're the one who asked me out! I'm losing my mind! And you…

He interrupted my thoughts with only two words:

"It fell."

"What fell?"

"Some of your…"

"Ahh…I didn't notice."

"You sure you're going to be fine?" He smirked. I felt embarrassed.

"What about you? I know it's none of my business, but what happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me. I'm just curious…"

"That's understandable."

Really?

"Well, I will tell you."

"Great."

I waited.

"Another time."

"Why?" I asked, biting the inside of my lip as I tried to control my hands from shaking as I lit the most deformed-looking joint.

"You're already not feeling well, and I don't have any good news."

"Trust me. There's nothing that can make me feel worse."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah. So, whatever it is. As long as you're fine, I mean…"

"I don't know if I am."

You do look a bit sad. That was my honest opinion, but as my vision got clearer suddenly, even though I was holding the smoke in for a bit, just for a tiny bit, I realized.

"You lost weight." I thought out loud.

He looked at me with the same depressed smirk.

"You're pale."

"This is not a competition." I frowned as I dabbed the barely smoked blunt on the ground.

"I think we should go."

He turned around so quickly, I felt the need to stop him. I considered the scenario in which he'd push my hand away and decide that I couldn't do a thing about it.

"Tell me. I can help." I tried. He stopped walking and looked at me with no trace of the fake smirk left.

"You can't."

"I can try."

"You can't do anything."

"Why are you so sure?!"

I got mad even though I knew I shouldn't.

"Because I am."

"Oh, you are the only one capable of doing anything. I am sorry."

"That's not what I meant."

"No, you're right. I am useless. Aren't I?"

I hid the joint, got my backpack, and almost walked past him when I heard him saying;

"In this case, you are."

I looked at him as offended as I could.

"And so am I."

I dropped my backpack and shook him as I felt my heartbeat its drums to a rock song.

"Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself and tell me? I am not patient today, okay? I'm trying to help and you're…"

He didn't resist. Actually… his hands didn't even leave the pockets of his jacket at all. He wasn't looking at me at all.

"What the hell? Fine." I mumbled with disappointment when I felt my knees go weak. "Then let's go to the bathroom and get it over with."

"I'm not in the mood."

I heard him sigh as I let go of his jacket, only to reach for my backpack.

"You refused, I offered. You win. Your life is none of my business. Do what the hell you wa…"

"She's dead."

"Who?" I turned around so fast to look at the same face that didn't change its position or expression.

"My grandma."

The wind continued to blow, the surrounding walls broke and the glass that shattered got stuck in my skin.

Blood started flowing, and the cuts were stinging.

Sweet, familiar misery... I am home.

AN: This chapter was edited by jooniekingg.