Funny

AN: This and the next 4 chapters will be from Namjoon's point of view.

Happy New Year's... Smokers?! (I don't know what else to call you all, but I hope that none of you smoke, at least not for a long time...bad for your health. Free will though. Anyways...) Enjoy:

I was deep asleep with my back against the front door. And the key to the said door was in the right pocket of the jacket. Right in the middle of my fist.

And Mona was trying to widen that very pocket by pulling on the edges of it. One finger touched my hand and despite the fact that I wanted to go back to sleep, I sighed loudly on purpose and looked straight into her eyes, breathing out a raspy, tired:

"Good morning."

"Go back to sleep."

"Hmph." I huffed with a smirk, "You know how much I wish that I could."

I grabbed the back of her head and pushed her lightly. She fell onto her ass and hit the back of her head on the wall. Though my legs were outstretched, parallel to the floor, they'd both gone numb at some point during the night.

Mona seemed just fine since she sprung straight up and walked away mumbling swearwords.

I shut my eyes only for a second before a full bottle of water missed hitting my face by a few centimeters, if not millimeters.

"Aww. How did you know I was thirsty?" I sarcastically asked, mimicking Jungkook's voice, while the bottle rolled away with a new dent.

She faked an amused expression that was followed by a psycho, not amused, and clearly annoyed expression combined with the deepest tone that she was capable of:

"I really don't like the way you've been talking to me, punk."

"Same here."

I reached for the bottle with the only empty hand and despite the protests that I got from my back and waist, I somehow got it without getting up.

She was watching me, looking frustrated. Dark circles around her eyes, elbow on the kitchen counter holding her head up.

"You're lucky there's only one door to this apartment."

"No, Mona. You're the lucky one or else, there'd either be one more person in here or I'd have to tie you to the bed which would be uncomfortable for both of us." I stretched up, the key showing in the palm of my hand.

What was left of the sleepiness was washed away when she took a few steps toward the living room.

'Now I know why Fred had all the walls of the house, besides the ones from the bathrooms and bedrooms taken down. When I told him that everyone can see what you're doing around the house at all times at my place, he seemed even keener on it despite the neighbors' complaints about that very idea. Heh, evil geezer saw the future or something.'

"Aren't you worried about him too?"

"Mm... not really."

"He's been in the hospital, Namjoon. Or doing Devil knows what. The man who's been like a father to you and my only brother is hurt. Probably in danger, and yet here we are, doing nothing!"

"What exactly could you do right now, Mona? Or did you hide your doctor's degree under the flamingo paintings from your bedroom?"

"He's all alone!"

"You don't know that."

"He needs me."

"No. What he needs from you is lack of movement. For you to stay where it's safe. With someone whom he trusts."

She scoffed and puffed, pacing around the room like a cornered animal.

"My parents are dead. Just like yours."

"Really? Do you want my sympathy now? You already have it! I'm here to protect you. In case you can't tell..."

"He told me that you were there when your dad died."

"And?"

"And you're taking that away from me! He's all the family I've got left Namjoon! And I won't even be there in his last moments..."

I cut off the dramatic scene she was putting on.

"You really don't want to see the moment he dies, trust me. Well, if he indeed, does die."

"How can you say that? Do you know what it's like to find out from a phone call that your parents are dead? Do you?!"

"No…But I know what it's like to be right there, watching the light fading from their eyes. And I'd rather die than let anyone else experience that."

The butter knife was revealed as she stepped closer.

"How about we test that theory then?"

I laughed at this, but it died in my throat like the fizz of a fine soda when the intercom started singing beside me.

She dropped the knife, screaming: "Answer it! Maybe it's him!"

"Go to your room, Mona."

"You go home, punk!"

Our eyes met and I did not look away even as I used the wall to stand up. Blood was still yet to flow well through the lower extremities.

"Hello?"

"Hi…?"

"Who's that?" She asked.

"Fuck. Jungkook, is that you?"

I hit my head against the bit of wall that was right next to the device when he answered with a shy:

"…yeah…hi?"

I let him into the building by pressing one button, eyes shut, yet feeling wide awake all of a sudden. I hit my head again as if that would make the last two minutes disappear from my memory.

She smiled as her voice became louder with every word: "Your boyfriend? Why did you call your boyfriend over out of all the people?!"

"I told you that Fred took my phone! I did not call anyone!"

"Then why is he here?!"

"I don't fucking know!"

"Maybe they know who he is! Maybe they're using him to get to me!"

"They're not using him…"

'They won't…I am not their target…right? So, they would not know about him otherwise…wouldn't they?'

In the dense silence combined with a hyperactive internal state, I heard the elevator arriving at this very floor. I glued my ear to the door and heard only one pair of steps.

That person knocked, and I turned my back to Mona for the first time in three days to look at Jungkook through the peephole of Fred's apartment. And exclaimed a clean, honest:

"Fuck!"

And then turned, to see Mona just a few steps behind me.

"Is he alone?"

"Go to your room."

"Is he alone?!"

"He's fucking alone!" I argued without having any proof that someone hadn't arrived during the hours that I'd slept and was waiting by the right or left sides of the door right now.

"How do you know? Maybe they're holding him at gunpoint and you just can't see!"

"Mona, just ...go to your room! You're only leaving this house over my dead body!"

"Maybe they've paid him! Or threatened to get his family if he doesn't…."

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm alone."

Jungkook's feeble voice pulled all of my heartstrings at once.

I knew right then that I couldn't possibly leave him outside this apartment and live with myself.

'If no one's there to cause us harm; if they do decide to come later, then he'll either get hurt or used to get me to open this door, either way...'

I unglued my fingers from the key for the first time in too many hours. My knuckles, fingers, and bones, all ached as I did so.

"I swear." He said a bit more confident than before, as I shut my eyes for just a second before, I looked at Mona dead in the eye to say:

"If you move a finger, I swear that I'll hurt you. Fred told me I could. Fred told me I could do anything to you. Anything, but kill you. So, if I were you, I would not take one more step cause you're not making it to the elevator. You're not making it out of this building. And even if you do, trust me, you are not making it to Fred unharmed. Even if it's me or someone else that makes sure you do not. Someone Will Stop You, Mona."

A quiet, almost scared "Shut up." Followed.

And I was somehow certain that she will sit still even though she had already promised she wouldn't come near the door a few times since I'd been appointed this babysitter mission. Although she's broken that promise every single time.

I turned around and inserted the key in fast. So fast that I felt dizzy when I saw Jungkook and he saw me.

Grabbed him by the arm even faster than I thought I could. He was inside and on the floor in a matter of seconds.

The hallway was empty, but even if it was not, I locked the door too fast for whoever it was to do anything anymore.

The only possible threat was now, Jungkook.

His lips parted, as I stared down at him. Yet, I talked first: "Why are you here?"

"Fred called me."

"What?!" Both Mona and I barked simultaneously.

"Why?" I added with feigning composure, "To do what?"

"He told me that you might be having a hard time by yourself. And also, he wanted me to let you know that everything's going well. That he's out of the woods…or something. That…"

"Jungkook, don't say another word." My hand automatically went to my forehead, and as if on cue, Mona went on her knees, grabbing Jungkook by the collar with desperation.

"What does that mean? Out of the woods? Did someone operate on him already? Who was it?!"

"I don't…"

"What else did he tell you? What else?!"

"I…"

"Mona, go to your room."

She looked up at me with pure malice.

"Now," I emphasized the word and she seemed ready to spit into my face, but to my surprise, she let go of Jungkook and headed toward her room with one last complaint:

"Splendid. I don't care. I've heard enough anyway. He's fine, so if there's anything I need to know, I will be in my room. Where you, punk, are not allowed to enter anymore. If you want to tell me anything from now on, send him!" She pointed a shaky finger at Jungkook and then went on louder: "Alone!"

She slammed the door and the painting right next to it moved from the force she's used.

"What just hap…"

"Don't ask. Please. Just…come here."

He crawled toward me, leaving behind the plastic bag that he brought. I slid towards the floor, sliding the key inside the pocket of my jacket, hopefully, without him noticing.

Caressed his right cheek and then whispered, the warmest: "Hi." I could speak with the new raspy voice I've achieved after yelling far too much.

"Hi." He whispered back while I leaned in to join our lips.

He flinched, and I stared, while he waited for me to close what was left of the distance.

Something was different than the last time we kissed, but I kept kissing him nonetheless.

"Sorry for not telling you anything. I couldn't go home for days…but he took my phone in case it was being tracked, or…"

"Don't worry about it."

"You're not upset?"

"No. I am just glad that…you're fine."

I placed a kiss on his forehead before I wrapped my arms around him.

"I've missed you." He didn't respond. He just let me embrace him. So, I asked the question that I didn't want to know the answer of:

"Are you sure that Fred is the one who contacted you?"

"I am sure that it was his voice…"

"And no one else had followed you? No one else had called you?"

"No, why? What happened…exactly?"

"The less you know, the better. But you have to tell me what he's told you, word for word, but quietly, okay?"

He nodded, rested his chin on my right shoulder after I pulled him closer, and outstretched my legs flat on the floor, making space for him to sit right between my legs. I was looking ahead, right at Mona's closed door while I was listening to him whispering:

"He said that he's out of the woods. The light is blue. And the sheep are surrounded by the wolves. Soon, he's going to bite the...what was that...the apple? He'll contact you in a maximum of two days. If he doesn't…then you should wait some more. Wait until you're close to starving. At most, just order in. At worst…call the worms."

"That's all?"

"I…think so…"

"Think about it. Is that all?"

"Yeah…I think that's all. But what does it all ...mean?"

"It just means that…the three of us can't leave this apartment for the next two days, or until we hear otherwise."

"Whatever he's doing, will he be finished in two days?"

"Mhm."

"You can't tell me anything, can you?"

Shook my head, hoping that I didn't look as tired as I was feeling.

"Can you at least tell me if it's…about drugs?"

I nodded slowly.

"Are you in trouble too? Or just Fred?"

"Just Fred. I'm…in trouble only if they suddenly start feeling like they've got some people to spare …"

"Oh. And why did Mona look so…"

"I really wish you weren't here; you know? Almost as much as I wish you'd never leave." I nodded to myself. "That might not make much sense, but now I can't let you leave because I am scared that the outside is no longer safe for you."

"What is a …worm? What does it…"

I embraced him so tightly that whatever questions he was spitting were muffled by the winter coat. After a while, I noticed the bag that was still on the floor, wishing that I could see through it.

"Listen to me. There is a gun in the trash can. The one under the sink. In case anyone…breaks the door while I'm asleep. Or if Mona threatens you…"

"Mona, threaten me? Why would she…"

"I said, listen. If anyone tries to hurt you, then you shoot. If it's Mona, anywhere but the head or the chest. In fact, stay away from any upper part of her body. If it's anyone else, shoot anywhere you can. Preferably the head."

"Namjoon, why would Mona try to kill... me?"

I pushed him lightly forward, so I could see the entirety of his face. He looked pale, even paler than he usually was.

"This knife." I showed it to him and then took his hand, spread his fingers, placed it inside it, and retracted my own hand. "Put it in your boxers, in your pocket, I don't care. Just make sure you can reach it at all times."

"Namjoon, why would Mona…?"

"What's in the bag?"

He turned to look at it as if he couldn't remember what bag I was talking about.

"Oh. Takeout. Fred was worried that you two didn't have enough food."

"That's nice. But she doesn't feel like eating and I have no appetite."

I caressed his face and hair continuously, but he seemed unable to look me in the eye.

Loud hard rock music started playing from Mona's room.

It was just another loud noise that was meant to frustrate me.

I sighed.

"Namjoon… why can't Mona leave exactly?"

"She might want to go find Fred…in the hospital."

"But it sounded like he was…outside."

I caressed him while smiling this time.

"Why would Mona try to hurt me then?"

"You really don't quit until you get an answer, huh?" He looked up, waiting, and I continued with: "It's a…well, she…you two are not so different after all. You and her."

"In what way?"

I couldn't stop smiling despite not feeling any joy. Kept staring and touching him to make sure that he was real and it was only now, after so many days, that I realized that the days in which I didn't sleep at all were getting to me. So, I hid his mouth with one hand.

"I need you to answer one more question."

He nodded, eyes wide and almost scared as my fingers dug tighter into the side of his head with the other hand.

"Did he give you a choice?"

The confusion that he replied with made me want to scream at the top of my lungs. But it did kill my uncontrollable, fake smile.

"Did he give you a choice between coming and not coming here? I mean…did he just tell you to…Fuck. Answer me already."

He probably wanted to, but I was mortified by the answer. I kept telling him to answer while keeping his mouth fully covered.

But then he nodded, so I placed two fingers into his mouth. For the first time since he arrived, he met my gaze and held it.

"Liar." I accused.

He shook his head and then showed me his phone, while I held his tongue prisoner between two fingers.

"Don't lie to me."

The corners of Jungkook's eyes were now moist. And his hands were slightly shaking as he scrolled through messages and then showed me one out of them all. It read:

"If you want to risk everything, go. If you don't, then lock your door and whoever knocks, don't answer."

I dug two fingers into his throat and he sucked on them. Not knowing how else to prevent them from going down his neck.

One big tear fell from the right eye and then many more followed. Round droplets, alike pearls, ran down and fell on my lap.

"Why would you risk anything? What? You didn't want me to die alone or what? Did you think I'd want to put you in danger? Is that how well you know me?"

He shook his head, more tears falling in the process. And mine were on their way out, so I continued asking questions. Unable to bear hearing an answer to any of them.

"I would've taken you with me from day one if that was the case. Just what were you thinking? How did he convince you? Did he promise you any rewards? Why did you care about everyone else but yourself all of a sudden? What…"

He said something. And those words sent vibrations through my fingers as he choked on his own saliva.

I pulled them out, watched him coughing, and then kissed him as soon as the coughing stopped. His tears made contact with mine, mixing on our faces while I circled his tongue and bit his lip until we were breathless.

And then he hugged me. I couldn't remember the last time he hugged me on his own accord. I decided to think of it as the very first time. And I hoped it wouldn't be the last.

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry…" I caressed the back of his head and held him tight. But the more I did so, the louder he sobbed.

"It's my fault. Don't apologize. It's done now…it's fine. We'll be fine. All you said are good news. It's going fine. It's fine. It'll be fine…It's my fault...I shouldn't have introduced him to you. But it doesn't matter...I'll kill whoever steps foot near this place. So, don't worry. It's fine."

I kept repeating these words, but he kept apologizing and at some point, I started wondering if he was apologizing because he was here or for something else.

"Jungkook?"

"I am sorry."

He pulled back, eyes red, nose running, and lips trembling.

"For what?"

"I…I'm so sorry."

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong. Well, coming here was not a stellar idea, but..."

"I did! I did!"

"What did ...what did you do?"

"I can't tell you."

"Did anyone else talk to you? Did anyone threaten you?" He kept shaking his head. I kept getting angrier: "WHAT? What did you do?"

"It's not about Fred."

I relaxed for exactly 0.5 seconds.

"Then what's it about?"

"I'm really sorry. I was desperate. I was weak. And stupid. I don't know if it's even related, but he said that whatever he knew could've prevented it and I just went to sleep and…"

"Who is he? Prevent what?"

"I am so sorry Namjoon. Just punish me. Please. I deserve it. Just hit me. Please…"

"What the hell…no…"

But he hit himself and then grabbed my hand to use it instead. I grabbed a hold of his arms to hold him still.

"Don't do that. Just tell me. I won't get mad."

"I'm sorry." He started sobbing violently. And the see-through pearls just kept falling.

Mona emerged out of her room unnoticed, and yet, divulged herself when she exclaimed after observing Jungkook's breakdown for who knows how long.

"My god. Fred sent him to support you, but I guess he didn't expect him to be achieving the total opposite."

"Mona…go to your room." I deadpanned.

"Mona, go to your room." She repeated in a childish tone.

"I mean it."

"I don't doubt that. But I need to vomit for a bit and now I'm feeling cold again, so I have to adjust the temperature first."

"I'm sorry," Jungkook mumbled under his breath.

And Mona looked at him with an emotion that wasn't exasperation, hatred, or full-on panic.

"What did he do?"

"I don't know and I don't care."

Jungkook looked up with the widest, wettest eyes.

"Are you sure?" She taunted. "It seems pretty bad."

"Whatever it is, I'll forgive him."

"No, you won't…" He cried out.

"What the hell did you do?!" I snapped. Not caring whether she'll hear anymore.

"I can't…tell…you."

"Then don't. But please…stop crying…it freaking hurts…And never hit yourself again."

"I'm sorry…"

"Please, if you're sorry, then stop crying. I can't stand it."

"Are you sure? Cause you seem to be enjoying it." Mona went on.

"I am fucking not!"

"But that part of you looks like it is." She pointed out.

I looked down and sure enough, it was true.

"I just woke up! It has nothing to do with him crying!" I argued and pulled Jungkook to his feet. He wobbled a bit and I used that to push him straight into Mona's open arms.

"Give him a glass of water, something to eat, and just…fuck."

"Get him to fuck, sure." She took a hold of his shoulders, glanced at the sink, and then it dawned on her, "Wait, you want ME to take care of HIM?!"

"Well, I can't fucking move from this door, can I?!"

"I can't open it without the key, Namjoon. I'm not a wizard."

"If I know how to lock pick, then you know how to lock pick."

"I don't..." She claimed.

"And what if someone comes?"

Whatever composure I had left was getting drained out with every tear that was dripping from his eyes.

And then Mona put a hand over her stomach and darted to the kitchen sink to vomit nothing besides stomach acid.

She started screaming, as the layer of cold sweat that covered her entire body was clearly visible in the light coming from the window.

"What's wrong with her?" Jungkook wanted to know in a lower voice, only to start hiccupping right after.

"Give me your phone," I demanded.

"Don't!" Mona shouted, but before she got to take a step toward us, turned around and vomited almost nothing again.

Jungkook gave it to me without asking anything and then stared down at the phone, guilt-ridden.

"Do you want to tell me what it is that you've done?"

He thought about it for a while and then shook his head.

"Fine. Does that piece of information put you in danger in any way?"

He immediately shook his head.

I sighed from the newfound relief, and almost let myself collapse against the front door.

"Does that put Mona or me in any danger?"

"No…"

"Are you certain?"

"He said it could've prevented something. But whatever it is. It's probably already happened."

"Then you just feel guilty for something that you could've stopped a long time ago, but didn't?"

He nodded, palms turning into fists.

"When you say prevent…" Mona wheezed, collected herself while talking, holding herself up by the counter. Looking almost out of it. "Prevent what? What could it prevent?" The strap of the white tank top was precariously low on her arm right now.

"I don't know! I didn't want to talk about it…"

"Does it have to do with my brother? Or with the guy in the bathtub?" She pointed in the direction of it, carelessly.

"What guy in the bathtub?" Jungkook burst out with newfound worry.

Both Mona and I shook our heads without explaining why we didn't want to go deeper into that story.

"Maybe. I don't know. He only said that Namjoon won't have any weed to give me, like, after the exam ends."

"Huh." Mona let out that sound and then walked toward her room slowly but surely. "He hadn't been home or answering his phone, so whatever you would've learned wouldn't have reached him until after this fucker heard about it firsthand. But if you still feel bad, then get me that key and …"

"Mona." That was all I said.

She shut the door behind her and yet Jungkook kept staring at it.

"You were with him when whatever happened, happened?"

"Well, we were supposed to meet, and by the time I got to him...Fred... it was already…doesn't matter. Who knew anything about this?"

"About what?"

"Jungkook! If I tell you anything then you might be in more danger than you already are! These people would be able to tell if you're lying so I can't tell you anything! You need to help me, help you."

"No." He uttered with stubborn confidence.

"What do you mean, no?!"

"I can't tell you. I just…can't." He shook his head and then closed his eyes. Clearly, accepting his incapability to share more.

"I forgive you." I spat out without thinking.

"Well, I don't forgive myself!"

I hit the back of my head against the door and then stared at the ceiling for a full minute before looking down at him.

"Did you sleep with someone else?"

The way I was staring at him, it mustn't have appeared as calm as I hoped it was since he took a step back before he walked forward and let out, a clear, concise: "No."

I smirked, feeling my hard-on twitching inside the loose pants.

"Then what the fuck did you do?"

"I can't tell you…but I am sorry."

"What kind of a half-aseed apology is this?!"

I looked away, feeling his stare boring into me. And then the sound of him crying hit me straight in the chest.

'I won't have any weed after the exam ends. What would be the purpose of telling someone that…?'

"Did you find yourself another dealer?"

He weakly nodded and I threw the only thing that I had at him. The keys to all the doors in the house.

It wasn't meant to hit him, but it was meant to help me remain glued to the exit. Cause even if Mona walked out, miraculously fine enough to get the keys before Jungkook did, I would still be able to stop her from unlocking it easily.

But I couldn't risk her getting him as a hostage or something.

I sighed.

"Go get them."

"What?"

"The keys."

He walked in the kitchen weakly and despite the music blasting from the closed room, he reacted to every word that I said as if I was right next to him.

"After all that talk about how we're going to allow each other's addictions, I guess what you really wanted to say is that you want me to get you some weed right in that very moment. But you didn't have the guts to say that, did you?"

He got on his knees to grab the keys from after the counter and then pushed himself up with the help of the countertop. The same way Mona had done for days.

"I'm sorry." He quickly glanced at me, eyes looking bloodshot at this point.

"Did you even notice that I was gone? Or did you try the door once, and went: ups, I guess I'll go find myself someone else to exploit."

"No! That's not how it was!"

"Then why don't you tell me how it all went down? Hmm? So, I don't make any wrong assumptions." I demanded as friendly as I could, patting the space next to me.

He was standing still, clutching the keys and crying dirtily in the space between the middle counter and the stove.

"I can't."

"The keys," I demanded, drily.

The penis was now twitching painfully hard as I watched him dragging his feet toward me.

'Morning wood combined with Jungkook being here after so long... not a good combination...'

I couldn't wait, so I just blurted out: "Did you blow him for weed? Is that it? Or did you actually pay the full-body price this time?"

He didn't answer. But he stopped walking.

"Come on. It's a valid question. I'm not judging. I am just curious at this point."

"I told you that I didn't cheat…not exactly…"

A small laugh escaped briefly before rage did: "Not exactly cheating? What does that mean, Jungkook?! Did he only put one finger in? Or what? He saw you naked and jerking off? Or maybe, he fucked you with a joint? That'd be more your style?!"

"You said that you wouldn't get mad…"

"Oh, I'm not mad." I looked away, clenching my jaw, and extending an arm, "The keys? Please."

The tears that fell now were sheer, so they went straight to the floor. The legs shook as he closed the rest of the distance and reached out his hand with the keys dangling from them. I grabbed his wrist instead and pulled him forwards, smashing our bodies together

One hand holding a handful of hair and the other holding his wrist down while I knew that he could feel my morning wood since I could feel his front perfectly, along with his frantic heartbeat.

"What exactly can't you tell me? Cause you already told me what the guy told you, why you met the guy in the first place and that you didn't sleep with him, or not exactly. So, all that's left is for you to tell me who it is."

"No…" He sobbed the word quietly.

"Or what you did with him."

He shook his head, eyes closed, and a few tears slipped out.

"Pick one," I whispered.

"Pick...what?" He looked up through wet eyelashes, puzzled.

"Whether you gave him a hand job or his name. Pick one and I won't get mad. I'll forgive you after you tell me one of them."

"But you'll hurt…"

A small laugh escaped without my consent.

"Pick." I didn't pull on his hair, nor squeezed his wrist. I just held him there, feeling as if I would lose my mind if I let him go.

"Faster," I added while kissing his tear-stained cheek.

"If you promise that you won't hurt…"

"Oh, you can't ask me that now. You already broke your promise. The one that you, yourself have proposed, by the way."

"I know…I'm sorry."

"Five seconds Jungkook, or I have the right to get mad."

"Punish me."

It hurt. The way he shut his eyes and started trembling, waiting for me to do something that'd cause him pain.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Punish me instead. Please."

He shook harder and harder. My heart almost stopped. I didn't know why it was there, the pain, but one thing was as clear as day.

'I don't want to.'

"It's my fault after all. That I went…even though I didn't know…I…It's my fault. So, hurt me."

There was conviction in his words. He braced himself for anything else but a kiss on the forehead.

A voice that wasn't angry at all, replied in my mind: 'But I don't want to hurt you at all.'

"You have five seconds." The breath I used to speak those words caused the hair to move away from his forehead.

"No."

Lips lingered on his forehead since I couldn't move.

'I think this pain will kill me. No. I hope it does.'

"Pick in five, four, three…" I whispered.

"Namjoon…"

"Two, o…"

"Kiss. We kissed. But I thought it'd be just a peck. He said…" A big sob and a crack of his voice happened before he continued straining his voice to continue saying something that made the whole world go dark and only his voice full of colors, colors that caused me insurmountable, excruciating agony. "...it was so he could get the number of two girls, and they did…they came up to us and asked for his number because they were also gay. And that's…what we did. We only talked after. And he said that he won't do anything as long as I am in a relationship. And I don't want to do anything either. I just…I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have gone. But I was…"

I couldn't hear what he was saying even though I was looking directly at him.

My own thoughts were louder.

'What did I do wrong? I gave him space. I helped him study. I let him study alone. I let him sleep when he wanted, eat all that garbage, and didn't even touch him for how long? I listened to him complain for hours, I didn't say anything about the pills he stole from my dead grandma, the pills he bought to avoid me, the times he was drunk and swore that he wasn't, and all that he didn't do. The kisses he never gave me, the embraces, the kind words, the encouragement, the…everything that he never felt the need to do. I did everything I could and yet…yeah, it was because I raped him that one time? Is that it? But did I do anything else wrong? Was that enough? Is that what made him kiss someone else? Search for someone else? Risk our relationship...But I said yes to his request…every request…it's just that I just couldn't stop…touching him when he wanted me to. I just wanted him so much and I still...Maybe that's it, maybe he doesn't want me? Does he want to be just friends? But he kissed a guy back, so he's not straight, is he? Or I shouldn't have touched him, ever? Shouldn't I have kissed him? Ever? But I want to kiss him now. I want to touch him. I want to talk to him about stupid stuff. I want to do stuff together. I want...him.'

"…Namjoon?"

'Do you want to Jungkook? Or do you only want to do these things because I can get you weed? That's what that guy had, wasn't it? That's what you wanted from him. Or was it something else? Did he give you something that I couldn't? And what am I supposed to do now? What did I do wrong…what did I do right…what did I... do? Why did I fall in love with you in the first place? I don't remember... Why do I love you? Why can't I stop? Why do you not love me back? Why…are you here?'

"I am so sorry. I will never again…"

"Jungkook?"

"Yes?"

"Why did you risk everything?"

"What?"

"Why did you risk coming here if you can get weed from someone else?"

He seemed even more confused than I was.

"…I love you. I don't love him…"

I ignored the warmth that was spreading through my chest. I couldn't trust it so without batting an eye, I immediately inquired:

"What's love for you?"

"What?"

"What does that mean for you?"

"Having your best interest at heart?"

I started laughing hysterically, forgetting to hold him still.

"I care about you. I…why are you laughing? I want to see, hear, understand and feel you…Namjoon. Stop laughing! I'm not joking."

"You know what would've been in my best interest?"

He stood still without any input, eyes drying mainly because he was too surprised to be sad anymore. I was smiling widely, feeling my own eyes getting wet.

"You not coming here. You, being safe and sound inside your own home. Not only that. You, telling Fred, to go fuck himself. And telling me to my face that you wanted to smoke. That you wanted that so badly that you were fine with kissing a motherfucker that you probably barely knew."

"Nam…"

"No." I held my hand up, right in front of his face. Picked up the key that fell from his hand and then pointed to Mona's door. "Go, be with her now. I told you that I won't be mad. You picked." I shrugged, continuing with: "I am the one out of the two of us whose words mean a damn thing."

"But..."

"You don't need to worry or apologize ever again. We're fine. I am fine. I simply learned that there is only one way to make you happy and everything else I've been foolishly trying was stupid of me. My bad."

"No, it…"

"It was. Admit it." I leaned back and then forwards, both hands buried in two deep pockets. "Stop telling me half-truths. Don't you get it? I'm here to serve! Ask and you shall receive! But not now. Sorry." I shrugged again, leaning back after spitting in his face. "Today you can't do much besides eat, sleep or keep that crazy bitch company. It's in my best interest if you did that actually. So!"

Rested one hand on each shoulder to turn him around, then to the right, and push him toward her door.

"Go in. Have a chat with Fred's sister, Mona. She's going through heroin withdrawals. I assure you that she's a joy to be around right now. In fact, I bet both of you can bond over your love for drugs that are more important than anything and anyone!"

I kicked the door open and pushed him in. Looked at Mona, who was lying face down on the floor, and told her: "Show him what he's missing. Please. Nah. You don't need to get up. I bet you can do that from the floor, just fine. And also tell him how the dead guy from the bathtub looks and smells like in detail so the neighbors won't hear him screaming when he'll have to take a piss. But please, you don't have to hurry. He won't leave your side until I'll let him out. And you can't leave this room for a while either, since you got out of your room without asking again. Cool? Cool."

Pulled out the many keys and picked the one that went in the bedroom's keyhole smoothly, and before I got to shut the door and lock it, Jungkook looked up with scared eyes and managed to say half my name before the door and the music drowned it out.

I stood in front of that locked door for more than I should've and the only thing that got me moving was the realization that Jungkook's left his phone behind. I started looking through it.

'Of course, he already erased everything besides Fred's message. What the fuck did I expect?'

I threw the phone on the sofa. Opened the fridge, grabbed the wine bottle, and took a few gulps before feeling the need to smash the bottle to the floor. But I stopped myself and left it on the counter instead.

Went right back to the front door and slid down it slowly but surely. I was on the floor, keys in my pocket, with both arms lying limp by my sides.

I felt like crying. I wanted to cry. But couldn't.

It kept hurting like a wound that wouldn't close.

And drinking would only make it worse.

Kissing him would make it worse.

Killing that guy would make it worse.

Anything would only make it worse.

But could the pain actually get worse?

Then I sat with it. It was like sitting down in lava and expecting it to become water.

I shifted inside it. Feeling every part of my body burning. And it wouldn't stop.

My head was buzzing, and the mental pictures that my brain took were popping up: his tears, his voice, and the way his face looked right before I locked the door.

'What else did he lie about? Or was everything a lie?'

I went through his phone again and looked at every single person he had saved in the contact list.

Although I put the phone down a few times, and knew that I should've gone to see what happened when the sound of something breaking was louder than the music, I didn't.

I began calling every single number there was on his phone besides his family.

And then someone who I never thought would've answered did, by saying:

"I'm surprised it took you this long to call. What happened? Was one day of sobriety too much for you? Or two? Jungkook? Why aren't you talking?... Did you hang up?"

So many threats went through my mind in the span of one minute, but instead of saying even one out loud, I hung up. A few images of me actually, slowly torturing V until he begged for death was the only thing keeping me from walking out to see it unfolding in real life.

And then I heard myself laughing. Guttural, uncensored, and genuine laughter.

And when I couldn't keep laughing without suffocating, I broke the phone in half.

There was no anger present in this action. In fact, I started laughing even harder while I was throwing the pieces around the living room. Some even flew as far as the kitchen sink.

And then the music that used to come out of Mona's room was gone. Replaced by deafening silence for a few moments before I filled it with laughter.

"Namjoon?! Namjoon!"

Jungkook screamed from her room.

"She needs to go to a hospital! She's really sick! She…"

But Jungkook ceased speaking one single word when he probably heard me laughing right next to the door. I waited for him to speak again, but when he didn't, I simply wiped the tears away, held onto my empty stomach, and returned to the spot by the front door, still chuckling.

And then whispered quietly, certain that only I could hear myself saying:

"I will make you wish that your father was dead too."