Thirsty

AN: Hi, Smokers. Close your doors. Don't eat while reading this chapter (or do...your choice), and enjoy:

I couldn't pinpoint when or why. But perhaps it was after mom promised to call more often and then didn't. Or maybe it was after Namjoon turned off both phones for the entirety of the days he had spent hammered. The only one that was still turned on being the one he's bought me for Christmas. A phone number that everyone but Fred knew about.

Maybe after the exam, when Kwan's accused us both of being bad friends for letting her wait in front of Namjoon's house or what she thought it was his house for one hour. And neither picked up our phones during that Saturday when Namjoon was busy with Mona and I was busy erasing myself.

But what I now thought was his substance addiction, had lifted up its ugly head and joined hands with mine.

And I didn't mind it much since, despite the fact that we've been teasing each other constantly and some mysterious bruises, I've felt more like his friend than I ever have. While I was enjoying the laced weed and its magical powers.

However, now, on New Year's we weren't allowed to touch each other at all since Bora, Kwan, Sony, and Yeong Cheol were all dancing to the same song, on the same dance floor. We were just a few steps apart and I was starting to think about what I must've done for him not to kiss me before we left the house. And in spite of the newfound emotional pain, every muscle was aching, coated in a weird cold sweat, and knees gave in to gravity with every passing hour, yet, I kept moving.

Bora and Sony were dancing together without hiding that they took their relationship to some sort of a new level. Kwan was dancing with Namjoon or more like, Kwan was dancing around him. And I was left with a chatty Yeong Cheol, pointing out girls while I was faking interest, trying not to freak out because I couldn't remember a thing he's said after he walked away to get a drink.

When the clock struck twelve in the dark club, all we could do while other people kissed around us was to stare straight into each other's eyes through blurry visions.

The music kept going so we kept dancing. They kept drinking so Namjoon kept drinking even though he avoided mentioning to everyone that he's been drinking since noon. How he hadn't vomited until today was throwing all my understanding of the human body out the window. How he appeared and talked like he was more or less sober made my stoner act seem like an amateur-level acting attempt in comparison.

I finished a bottle of water I paid too much for and couldn't get down a whole glass of beer. I didn't participate in most conversations since I was too busy finding an excuse to hide behind trees, near the bushes so I could smoke away whatever ailment took hold of me and wouldn't let go.

The world was slower than it was for the rest. The music was probably much louder as well and some girl's perfume that smelled like cotton candy was slowly killing me with its sweetness.

At some point, we naturally ended up dancing with each other since the girls went to the bathroom, and the two guys went out to get some air.

We wanted to dance. We kept saying that.

But the truth was that neither wanted to stand still.

Neither wanted to admit that we had no idea how the decision of the university that we've picked was going to affect our future.

The level of the university. being just high enough to make me doubt my acceptance letter. And just low enough for everyone to suspect that Namjoon only choose it because I was also accepted somehow.

But no matter what deals I tried to strike in order to convince him to get the education that he deserved, it all ended with: "Losing you isn't worth a lousy diploma."

And I cried the guiltiest cry of my life that night, muffled by the shower.

We were only dragging our feet and sometimes raised our hands, but didn't touch each other until another guy bumped into him. And the alcohol finally came through since he almost fell over. But I caught him.

He didn't back away, but leaned into me further. Head buried in the crook of my shoulder and breath hitting against the already burning skin.

"Happy New Year." He told me.

"Happy New Year." I told him.

We didn't kiss. We moved in the same place, clothes touching. Way too close for two friends. Not close enough to appear like lovers. But just close enough to look strange, which is why Kwan's brows went up when she spotted us on the way to the bar.

"Jungkook, let's go home." He whispered in my ear. Sounding needy. Lonely. Manly.

"I don't want to go home yet."

"But I can't touch you here." He complained.

"One more hour."

A sigh followed by a "Fine." went through one ear and then out through the other.

One hour was an eternity for me, but long enough to not arouse suspicions, like we were in fact going home together after dancing unnaturally close.

Since he was always drinking lately, whether he got drunk or not, I couldn't really tell until the last hours of the day when he either fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow or wanted to do one activity after another. Something that I thought was akin to mania. Assumption that I kept my mouth shut about and did whatever he wanted instead.

All I knew for sure was that I got high every time. I hit the roof and didn't want to come down. Whatever magical concoction Fred had given me as a Christmas present was burning gray matter at this point.

But Namjoon didn't judge me for not answering the simplest questions or for taking a bit longer than usual to complete the most basic of tasks. And I didn't judge him for…weird outbursts that ended as quickly as they started.

We were drifting around each other like two malfunctioning ships.

"You stole my dance partner," Kwan whined, trying to sound cute from behind Namjoon.

I wondered if I was thinking about smiling or if I was actually smiling.

"Come on Namjoon. I like this song. Yeong Cheol will come and hold Jungkook up in a minute."

"Good. Dance with him then."

"But I want to dance with you!" She stomped her leg like a child, but Namjoon couldn't see that since his back remained turned.

"And I want to dance with Jungkook." He went on.

'Wrong answer.' Is the slow thought I had when Kwan left, looking hurt.

"Hey! Who'd rather dance with a guy, instead of a girl? You genius." I lightly pushed him on the shoulder, but that only made him lean back for one second before falling back into me.

"Blah. I don't care anymore. We're not going to see each other for years anyway. So, who cares?"

"I do. My brother might find out and tell our parents."

"They'll be saving you half the introduction. They'll even have time to ruminate on all the little gay signs they've ignored over the years and will be somewhere around acceptance by the time you'll go home for the holidays. After they'll pass through the five stages of grief for the straight version of you, without you having to see it." He wasn't slurring his words, but too much of his weight was on me. And what he had just said made my head hurt.

Which is why, I told myself, I was barely moving. Preoccupied with keeping us standing. Something that Kwan thought he was doing for me which I couldn't argue since I looked drunker than he was.

'I shouldn't have smoked two hours ago. I should've held on…'

Acutely aware of how abnormal it was for two guys to be this close, I lightly pushed him away again. This time, with more conviction.

"Go dance with Kwan." I blurted out.

"Don't wanna." He whined just like her.

"Go." I demanded.

He stood straight up. And there it was. The anger that kept popping up and disappearing like a wild animal in the night.

"She's pissing me off." He let out through a clenched jaw.

"She wants to spend time with you since she likes you," I argued.

"But I like you."

A brief pause filled by the ear-splitting bass.

"She likes you as a friend Namjoon. You don't have to see her as a potential lover to spend time with her. Or do you?"

"But what if she does want to be my lover? What are you going to do?" He stepped up to me, looking mischievous.

"Aa…trust you?"

"Hmph. But I have a kiss. You know, eye for an eye. You've kissed someone else, so I get to kiss someone else too."

All I could do was blink rapidly. Trying to understand what he wanted to gain with this statement.

"Did I talk too fast?" He asked half-mockingly, half-serious.

"Go kiss her then." I pointed in her direction with my chin.

"You won't be jealous?"

"No."

"Fine!"

"Fine."

I repeated, but didn't sound nearly as angry as him., before he left me to get swallowed by dancing bodies.

And took all the air from my lungs with him.

'Maybe I should've pretended to be jealous. But there's no way Kwan likes him like that. And why would he even bring that kiss up now?'

The lights were too strong for my weakened eyes. And without his weight on me, I still felt heavy. Heavier.

Like I was about to collapse if I took one more step.

'When was the last time I ate?'

I shut both eyes and the song, voices and lights went through me. They vibrated, and I vibrated with them. It made me dizzy. Made me one with them. Made me warm and cold at the same time. Pain flowers blossomed all over my body and I let them wither by letting them be. By paying attention to the external. By breathing through their roots. And then I heard:

"Hey, Jungkook."

"Hey, Sony."

I forced my eyes to open, yet he didn't look less blurry than Namjoon did.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Dancing."

"I'm sorry to break it to you, but no, you're not."

"I'm not?"

The flat tone. The expressionless face. I wanted to control it. But I couldn't find the energy or the proper adjustments. It's like I was targeting the wrong facial muscles.

'How does Namjoon do it? Or is it because I smoked weed and he didn't…Yeah, that must be it.'

"No. You're just standing."

"Good." I tried to reassure him with an amused: "That's good enough for me."

"Are you okay? Or did you have one too many drinks again?"

"Maybe."

"Didn't learn your lesson last time, I see. Come, let's catch some fresh wind. Just you and I."

On the way out, Bora and Yeong Cheol smiled at us. But Kwan and Namjoon were nowhere to be seen.

When we stepped out, the lack of music was disturbing. It amplified the fact that the world was real and not a figment of my imagination, or a different dimension. And it slapped me in the face at the same time with the night breeze. My thoughts were there to be listened to as they screamed. The cold had me shaking and the desire to smoke was there, but the one watching me like a hawk was none other than Sony.

"Better?"

"Yeah." I lied.

Some people were smoking plain cigarettes a few steps away.

Others had drinks in their hands. I had to assume that no one had to guts to smoke weed in front of the main entrance.

'Am I coming down with something? I'm breaking into a cold sweat every few hours...'

"Where's Namjoon?" I wondered aloud, squatting down to make sure that I didn't fall over.

"I think he wanted to talk something with Kwan."

"Where?"

Shoulders went up and down, as he buried his hands in the pockets of the brown jacket.

"I didn't ask where they were going…"

"Great." I sarcastically told him and the people behind him a bit too loudly.

I was looking around, but there was no sign of either of them.

"Did you and Namjoon fight?"

"No."

"Did you and Kwan…"

"I'm going back inside."

"Ok. I'll stay here for a few more minutes then. By myself."

"Let Namjoon know I'm looking for him." I told him hastily.

And made my way in. Pushing bodies against other bodies. Tried my best not to seem disrespectful. But I was in a hurry so I got a few ugly looks sent my way.

'Where are they?'

Paranoid scenarios popped up one after another.

But after I walked from one corner of the club to the other, I couldn't find them.

And it seemed to me like at least one hour passed if not more.

'No. It's only been a few minutes. You always think it's been forever, but it's always been only a few minutes. Worst case scenario, it's been half an hour.'

"Jungkook?!"

Kwan was calling me from the main entrance with her black overcoat on, waving energetically. Namjoon had an arm around her shoulders. Whispering something in her ear with a smile. She chuckled.

My stomach turned.

'Is it from the beer or am I hungry?'

"We're going home. Can you tell the others?" Kwan happily asked me.

'He convinced her?! So fast?! Or slow…Ah, I need to ask someone what time it is.'

I was ready to say something I knew I'd regret when Namjoon informed me:

"She's coming to my place. Want to come with?"

She nudged him in the stomach. But somehow, that hurt me.

The people around us seemed to go up in smoke. There was no music. There was only this sickening feeling that wouldn't let me take in a full breath.

"Want to come with, Jungkook-ah?" Namjoon repeated, and his reverberating voice was all I could hear.

"Yes." I heard myself saying from somewhere far away.

"Perfect."

"Cool, cool…then let me tell the others that we're all leaving."

She ran away and I was stuck with this man who looked like Namjoon, talked like him but smiled like the devil incarnate.

I curtly asked as soon as she left, a bit too angry and a bit too bitter:

"Why is she coming over to your place?"

"You'll see."

"I don't want to see. I want you to tell me right now."

"Wow. You can talk so fast on weed if you put your mind to it. Impressive."

"What the hell did you tell her?"

Kwan lightly bumped into Namjoon's chest right then. And asked him, looking up from his stomach with a smirk:

"Done. Do you want me to call a cab?"

And the ground should've swallowed me whole right then and there.

But instead, I kept following the two out of the club. Like the third wheel rolling on moving sand.

People passed us by, and a whiff of weed did too.

'The guy with pink hair who looks out of it. He's high too.'

"Jungkook? Why did you stop?"

"Looking for a bathroom."

"Now? Wait until we get to my place."

'Let me see how you'll explain that my stuff is at your place, high IQ asshole.'

It didn't dawn on me that Kwan might be tipsy until she was laughing continuously after having a perfectly normal conversation with the cab driver.

'Maybe it's perfectly normal and I'm only high. Or shit, maybe I can't tell what's normal anymore?'

He rubbed her arm briefly and I choked on air.

But no one cared to ask if I was alright.

We were walking toward a house that was more familiar than my own at the moment. And the other houses and their gardens seemed unreal. The fact that people lived in the tall buildings seemed like a made-up story right now.

The only one I knew and thought was real was Namjoon's, the one that Kwan was seeing for the first time.

"You gave me the wrong address, you, meanie." She nudged him again.

"The address that I gave you is a few houses down that street." He pointed at it and went on, "I would've come to get you after you would've arrived though."

"Why not give me the right one from the start?"

"Because he doesn't trust taxi drivers, delivery people, or the mailman." I let her know, walking right by her.

"Trust issues much?" She squeakily asked him.

"Understatement of the century." I mumbled.

'Namjoon…I think I might faint again…' I thought quietly.

"I wouldn't have trust issues if people were trustworthy, to begin with." He argued loudly, like a child. And it was directed at me for sure.

"Still…you have to leave your house to get your pizza? And who gets all your mail?" She asked.

"The guy living at the address that I gave you." She was laughing as I let them through the gate.

Her laughter was the only sound filling up the otherwise silent streets.

The cold air was making me worry about the sweat that I concluded had nothing to do with the temperature.

'We've been teasing each other for five days. Wait, no… six days? Who thought that means that he'll cheat on me if he doesn't get anything until the seventh?'

"I wish I could live in a house with a garden. Living in an apartment has its pros, but so many cons."

I was searching for the keys to the front door when Namjoon pushed me aside softly to open his own door.

'God, damn it.'

"Jungkook, how much did you have to drink?" She was laughing again. But I was certain that Namjoon had more fun watching that than she could ever imagine.

'Not as much as you had, apparently.' I thought with spite.

Kwan was taking off her white shoes slowly, while I was already sitting down on the floor and Namjoon was locking the door with the accuracy of the drunk that he now was.

"Water?" He asked us.

Kwan nodded, but he didn't see her since he was staring straight at me.

I nodded as well, just so Kwan wouldn't notice.

He walked away.

"Such a homey house."

"You mean old, dirty, and stuffy?"

"No. It's nice. You should see my house. There's…my god, Namjoon, how much beer did you drink?"

"Oh, that. I wanted to see how many I can drink in a month."

"You mean in three days?" I tried to pass it off as a joke.

But only he knew that the number of empty bottles that he's gathered under the window of the open hallway was no joke unless one was aiming for liver failure.

"Sit down." He told her, pointing to the spot. And she obliged by sitting right next to me, in front of the low table. Knees closed, back straight, and eyes swimming with something.

"Have you been here before, Jungkook?"

"Yes."

"Often?"

"A few...times…"

"You two have studied together without me." She slapped me playfully.

'Ah, I didn't get to react. And now …it's too late.'

He handed both of us a glass of water and himself, yet another beer.

This made Kwan laugh.

And me, highly anxious.

"Want some?" He offered.

"Some of yours?"

"Nah. I got plenty in the fridge."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you have a problem." She joked.

'He does have a fucking problem!' I thought with desperation.

"Jungkook, can you help me find the bottle opener? I think we should have some wine instead."

I squinted my eyes at him, telling myself that I had to keep pretending for Kwan's sake.

'Oh, I'm going to manhandle you as soon as she leaves. Just you wait, Kim Namjoon.'

"Sure. Where is it?"

"My room? I think."

'And that's code for?' I asked him in my head.

In reality, I bit the bait and walked right into the bedroom. I didn't bother to look around, knowing that he usually left the bottle opener in the fridge like a sociopath. But when I turned around, he was in front of the already shut door. Whispering: "Smoke some. I'll drink some. Get comfortable."

"What are you playing at? I'm really not…."

He cut me off.

"You'll see."

He closed the distance between us and kissed me on the lips. And I pushed him away, panicked. Certain that Kwan could walk in without thinking she might be walking in on anything.

"You keep playing hard to get lately."

He pulled on my lower lip with his teeth and walked out, yelling: "Found it." Before shutting the door while showing her the opener that he got from the back pocket of his jeans.

It was stupid. Smoking with her in the next room. But whatever followed couldn't be good so any numbing agent was a shield that I wasn't strong enough to refuse.

I could hear her laughing. I could hear him talking. I could hear everything because it was perfectly quiet in this room. The loudest, however, was not my inhaling and exhaling at the high-placed window, but the lighter every time I lit up the joint.

When I finally got up, I could barely see the door that I was supposed to open.

When I did, however, Kwan was surprised to see me. She even asked Namjoon a cheeky: "Didn't you say he went to sleep?"

"Apparently not." He faked being bothered too.

'Ahh. My head hurts so much, Namjoon. And I'm hungry.'

So, I went straight to the bathroom and shut the door. Brushed my teeth with Namjoon's toothbrush instead of mine.

"Ha-ha! You're so funny, Namjoon!"

'I deserve this. Don't I? Do I deserve this? Yeah. A bit. Maybe…But still.'

I looked down and there was blood in the sink.

'Did I brush too hard? Or is it from my nose? What the… Ah, shit!'

"That was the best, I tell you he…'

'Stop laughing! Shut up already! And get out! Both of you!'

I thought, but said nothing. Washed my face, flushed the water of the toilet without doing anything, and walked out into the wild again.

And there he was, right in front of my two red eyes, slightly concealed by the darkness of the room. Hence, I avoided the only light that was the lamp by the entrance like the plague.

She was leaning against him, way too close, sipping wine and pointing at something from her phone. He was wearing a sleazy grin on his face.

"Come. You'll like it."

"Ha?"

He got up, grabbed me by the shoulders, and pushed me to the table. I was forced to sit down next to Kwan in less than five seconds.

She tried to put distance between us, but Namjoon sat next to me, right into me. Pushing me further into her.

"Show him. Show him." He urged her.

She listened to him and played a video of Bora chasing after some guy on the school's rooftop. She ran and ran until she fell.

They laughed; I forced a chuckle.

"That's Andy from our class. He always plays pranks on the girls. He says it's an American thing." She shrugged. "Anyways, during lunch break, he stole all of her stuff and hid it on the roof. But it was like, behind, all around the back. But…"

I turned to look at Namjoon continuing the story just as invested:

"But he's told her that he hid it right by the roof's door and when they got there, he lied to her, claiming that it was stolen by someone else. She was really angry at first and then she got sad when she remembered that she had some of her lucky charms in her backpack. That's when he told her the truth. Then she started chasing him and Kwan pressed record."

"Aha."

I nodded as if it was a story about how Bora's homework flew out the window. This is when Kwan's smile faltered, but Namjoon's only got bigger.

"Jungkook, are you okay?" She inquired, resting her manicured hand over my right shoulder.

"Yeah. Why? Don't I look fine?"

"You look like you're sick. You've lost some weight and…"

"Kwan, are you a virgin?" Namjoon blurted out. Kwan's hand disappeared.

"What?" The voice was almost mousy-like.

'No…'

She continued with a hand up: "Why are you asking me this?"

"Because Jungkook's a virgin. And he thought that this year for sure, he'd lose it. But it didn't go the way he wanted so now…as you can see, he's gotten kind of depressed about it."

'He's not going to…'

"You two have known each other for a long time. Haven't you?"

"Yes, but…"

He interrupted her.

"Would you do him this one favor?" His hands in a praying position made me want to laugh and cry at the same time, "I mean, I bet it'll feel good for you too. He's not inexperienced…in other areas. You see. But when it comes to…" He thrust his finger in a circle made of two fingers with a sad face.

"Namjoon!" She breathed out, appalled, standing up at once, "Jungkook's cute and all. But I have my eyes set…" she looked at the floor and then back up at him when she continued in a lower tone: "…on someone else."

"Oh. Do you want me to join you two?" He put one hand on his chest, honestly saying: "It'd be my pleasure."

"I…" She was shocked to hear that.

"It'll be fun… We can use my room and if there's anything you're not uncomfortable with, just let us know. But first, it'd be better to let me know what you've done with the last partners you've had because…"

And my brain pressed mute. As if it always had a remote hidden somewhere. I watched them moving two steps before me, facing each other. One smiling, the other one was close to tears. Whatever he was saying, couldn't be good since her arms were getting more and more animated.

I thought I should keep hugging my knees tightly and wait for it to start or be over. Either way, I was too weak to care about anything.

Too high to find the perfect words that'll stop them.

Swimming in some kind of twisted relief, knowing that he never meant to kiss her.

"What kind of girl do you think I AM?!" The high-pitched scream had me looking up.

"You came to a guy's house on New Year's at two in the morning. What kind of girl does that?"

And Namjoon received the first slap across the face of this year.

"Drop dead." She deadpanned.

And I burst out laughing.

And they both glared to their right, noticing that I was still there at the same time.

She was fuming. He was smirking.

He apologized as if the creature named sanity returned and merged with his spirit after that slap. Called her a cab. Gave her an aspirin while she was waiting for it. But then he continued to feign feeling apologetic towards my 'virgin depression'.

I was staring at the ceiling, laying down, on the narrow space between the table and the wall for the entire time. Didn't bother to move a muscle until I heard her asking: "Jungkook, don't you have to go home too?"

My lips parted, but no coherent explanation arrived.

"He's sleeping over."

She stared at Namjoon and then at me. I couldn't bear it so I averted my gaze without saying a thing.

The silence that followed was like a well that I was slowly being submerged into. The water was lukewarm, the sky was pitch black and the wind stood still to listen while the door was getting locked.

'You might as well tell her everything now.' I thought, frowning.

He talked only after looking around in case she forgot anything. Admitting with feigned exhaustion:

"Well, I tried."

He shrugged and continued with genuine serenity all over his face: "What are you doing there? Come here. I'm in the mood."

"Can't you at least wait until she takes five full steps away from the door? You prick."

"Mad?" He tilted his head, suppressing a smile.

"I was. But then you got slapped. And it was truly better than losing my virginity."

"Mm, in the real terms of virginity, I believe you've lost yours more than any straight guy ever has."

"Go to sleep." I grunted and shut my eyes.

"I can't. I've waited long enough for you to come to me. Now come or I'll come."

"You're drunk. Go away."

"You're high. Come to me."

I prompted myself up on the elbows and watched him gesture at me to come closer with one hand while leaning against the wall with the other.

"I'm really curious. What did you think was going to happen?" I asked calmly.

"You'd either get to fuck a girl and a girl would get to watch me fuck you. Or what has already happened which was less than ideal." He shrugged with a sigh this time, clearly amused regardless.

"You're lucky that she didn't storm out the second you asked her to sleep with me because I am sad."

"Didn't you hear her confessing to me? Shouldn't you be jealous right about now?"

"You got her here for me to fuck and now you want me to be jealous too? Man, you're quite the complicated package, Kim Namjoon." I leaned back, his smile, rubbing off on me.

"She's a lousy friend, that one. Not considering your feelings at all. Wanting me all to herself…"

"She and I are friends. And she thought that you and I were friends too. But I might start telling her that from today onwards, we're enemies."

"That so?" He crossed his arms.

"Yeah. Got a problem?"

He took a few steps, only a few before he fell to his knees and crawled toward me.

Maybe because he was as drunk as I was high. Or maybe it was something else.

That fall momentarily destabilized something in my brain.

I didn't know how to react when he crawled between my legs with messy hair that fell over half his face.

"Tell her whatever you want. I only joined that useless club because you were in it."

"Showing all your true colors now, aren't you?"

"Am I not colorful enough for you?"

I didn't get to answer. I only got to part my lips before a tongue went in and a bigger body covered mine after parting my legs, making one knee hit the edge of the table and the other the wall.

There was no space for me to escape.

"Sto…"

He wasn't kissing. He was devouring me.

Hands weren't caressing, but grabbing at everything and anything.

Trying to rip or pull the clothes down. It didn't seem to matter as long as he got them off.

I could feel his hard-on through my pants, the long hoodie, and his pants. All three materials couldn't conceal it.

He kept getting closer to get a better angle at my lips, neck, or collarbone. He licked and bit. Rubbing his knee on my clothed soft cock with no care if it hurt or felt good.

I kept trying to shove his hands away. Moving my lips and head away. Sliding up with the help of my legs.

"Sit still."

"I'm not rewarding you for what the hell you just did…shit...mhm..no..ah..." He held me still by the waist and then went under the blouse, pinching a nipple while licking my collarbone, "I'll never, ah, be able to, ah, fuck, look her ...be...able ...in the ahye, eyes…ev... God damn it. Nam…joon!"

I was moaning because of the way his knee caused friction to my penis and I hated hearing myself doing it.

I hated how my nipple got hard as soon as he grazed it. How his biting turned me on the deeper it was. How slippery his tongue was compared to mine and that it was almost too big to fit into my mouth. How I got hard thinking that he was hard. As if that automatically meant that I should get turned on.

Somewhere along the line, I've learned that if he was turned on, I had to be turned on too.

Cause the alternative was far too much to handle.

I could only stare at the ceiling while he literally violated my body with his drunk touching.

"Then don't." That was his simple solution.

Since I managed to scoot up, head closer to the wall behind me, he let his knee fall through the space I just created and glued his front to mine, in order to rub his clothed erection against mine. The continuous friction through the fabric was making the skin burn. The way he kept pushing my head back down every time I tried to get it up left me light-headed and disoriented.

"You reek-ah. Ah! It hurts. You ass!" I pulled on his hair to no avail while he spoke as if his mouth wasn't busy.

"We'll go somewhere else, meet new people." He breathed out through licks and bites of my now, exposed nipple, "Look them in the eye. And never look at hers ever again."

"Mhah…" I wanted to argue, but it was hard to think.

I liked it better when I didn't have to talk, and I felt like I didn't really have to since my pants were being pulled down while he stared at me through half-lidded eyes, breathing on my lips.

"So, stop fighting back and let me fuck you."

A long moan got out as soon as his fingers made contact with my cock. I thought it was pitiful how I wasn't remotely hard a minute ago.

His lips smashed against mine, so hard that my teeth rattled. I grabbed his hair again but didn't have the strength to pull the head back. , so, I only got my fingers tangled in his hair.

And all the control I thought I had over him and I in the past few days was slipping out of me with every up and down movement of his hand.

He sucked on my tongue for a bit and then started fucking my mouth with it. I just laid there while he kept jerking me off.

"Face down on the table."

For a second, what he said made no sense and then his pants started coming off and I was only watching an impressive-looking erection emerging from under layers of clothing that did little to constrain it.

"Didn't you hear me?!"

I got up with whatever strength I had left and surrendered immediately. The aggressiveness from his voice had me, obeying in a heartbeat.

'Face down on the table… Dad would be so fucking proud.'

"Not like that." He complained.

He grabbed my hand and made me walk to the other side of the round table so there was space all around us.

Not only my face but half my body was on it. The only thing outside of it was my ass and legs.

I was bracing myself for the pain that was about to follow when a long-wet finger went in to tickle my prostate and nothing else.

He probably enjoyed watching me squirm. High enough to react, but not sober enough to continue fighting back.

'That took all the energy I had left…my heart is beating so fast too…''

Two minutes later, four fingers were in. All hitting my prostate while my cock was aching, rubbing against the wooden table. The bones that were sticking out hurt too.

The forest facing his house was the spectator that I didn't want to see so I kept my cheek glued to the table and eyes closed.

And as my pucker hole started pulsating and the walls started grabbing onto his fingers greedily. Namjoon knew that my body wanted him, and all that was left to conquer was my mind.

"Beg." He demanded.

"No-ah."

The longer fingers went in deeper and deeper, spreading them had them bumping the skin around around in the process.

"Beg!"

"I said no!"

"Fine. Then I'll make it hurt."

All fingers were out. And I was empty.

And disturbed by it only until he slipped his hand underneath to grab my cock like it was an arm. He could just pull it wherever he desired it to go.

"No." That was all I got to breathe out unconsciously before he pulled me by the cock towards him, asshole landing right into his erection.

I wasn't sure what hurt more.

But I relaxed into the pain. Welcomed it.

Since the tenser I was, the more it would hurt.

'I just have to be patient.' I told myself.

But for whatever reason, he was really keen on making me beg tonight.

Which is why he shoved it straight in and as deep as he could all in one go.

"Don't move…ah…don't..." My legs trembled.

And braced myself by breathing deeply just in time to get strangled.

"Beg."

But I was unable to.

He was pounding me into the table without any spit.

I saw black and then the back door window, again and again. Until I was sure that I might die from asphyxiation.

But I was loosening up. He was hitting exactly where my body wished he would the most. Yet I couldn't breathe, so I gripped the edge of the table with an outstretched hand and kept trying to pull myself away from him.

All I got was that my cock, elbows, stomach, and hip bones kept hitting against the table with every thrust now.

When his chest was on my back and all he did was go in and out while I was one with the tabletop, the sperm came flowing out of me. A lot of it, ending up dripping down my thighs.

I lost consciousness for a moment. It felt so good that I didn't mind if I would've died.

But alas, I woke up on my back, free to see part of the ceiling and a hair that somehow ended up hovering above the right eye.

He was still screwing me relentlessly, holding my legs up from the knees. Keeping me spread out on the table like a frog.

I didn't know how long it had been since we've changed positions, but I was still high.

The cold sweat was mixing with his. Sweat that I knew had nothing to do with the fact that he kept ramming into me without a break, but had all to do with the alcohol that his body was trying to get rid of.

The table that was slightly moving in tandem with his thrusts had me feeling nauseous. Our constant movement made me aware of how feverish I was. The pain and the pleasure were twisting inside one single belly. His dick was now hitting what I assumed could only be an organ that started above my pubis. And his nails were digging into my knees.

"Nam…"

"Awake? Good."

I wondered if he's noticed that I passed out, but then I realized why his head was so close to my chest.

'He's been listening to my heart beating?'

He straightened up as soon as he heard me speak.

But his worry seemed to be over. As if he hadn't enjoyed the time he's spent in silence since he started going faster and faster until I was sure that the table might break under us. Or that something from inside my throat will snap from the screaming.

"Wet...It's not…ahh…!"

"Spit." He showed me the palm of his hand.

But weed had stolen every bit of moisture that I had.

He smirked with irony, asking: "Nothing?"

I shook my head desperately.

Namjoon grabbed the back of the neck to share some of his saliva with me by transferring it through his long tongue hanging idly inside my mouth and shoving it in at the same time when his dick rammed into my dry, yet tearing open asshole.

It was brief, but it was distracting me from the fact that he was definitely hitting an organ.

Lifting me up in his arms.

I hung onto him like a codependent child. Asking:

"Where are we going?"

"Bathroom."

I was glad to hear that. Until he pushed me, head down in the bathtub, with the rest of my body outside it, all of a sudden confessing: "Gotta pee." While still fucking me.

"Ah! No-ah! Nam…! No…No!"

"Do you even know what you're saying no to?" He inquired, sounding amused.

'Don't pee inside me.' This plea died somewhere inside my buzzing, spinning thoughts.

Only to hear him, demanding again:

"Beg."

His nails went in from my neck to my ass, leaving a red trail in their wake. They weren't sharp, but the message stung clearly.

It made me mad, even though I knew that's what he wanted. Some reaction. Any reaction.

"No." I heard myself moaning out although I didn't even know why I was being stubborn anymore. The lower part of the abdomen hurt from the friction of the edge of the tub against it. My ribs were piercing through the skin. And I couldn't feel much else but his ridiculous hard dick going in and out, like an old clock ticking after every passing second.

'He would've watched me fuck Kwan. And this is…as much power as I've got,' I reminded myself.

But all I could think was that for some reason, I might've almost died not too long ago. But the smile that I saw reflected back through the bathroom tiles let me know that he was enjoying me putting up a fight more than he was getting off on me begging.

"No. Wait! I changed my…"

It was warm. And hitting so deep that I wondered if I hadn't been bleeding without realizing it until now.

While he kept spraying all over my walls, the liquid traveled down, spilling onto the bathroom floor.

My waist was fully on the edge of the bathtub now, head buried in its width while the knees were barely scraping the wet floor. I huffed and puffed, not wanting to believe that the dripping sound I was hearing was made by his piss coming out of my ass since it was overflowing.

"You're wet now."

And I could feel that wetness when he started thrusting. Wondering how it was possible to piss and stay erect at the same time. But the piss kept coming out and yet his dick felt so much better now that it was wet.

No matter where he hit, it felt good. No matter how much my walls wanted to close like an open wound, his cock was preventing it, causing them to contract and protest, sending mixed signs to my brain. I couldn't think, see or breathe. It was filling me up to the stomach.

I was unwillingly hearing myself moan like I was being exorcised.

My own penis started hurting from between my legs. But I was afraid to draw his attention to it.

"You like it a bit too much…" This observation had him pulling my hair toward him. His dick tore something inside and yet it all molded itself to his shape a moment later, without having a choice. I found that I was moaning when he dragged his dick out too, not only when he slammed it in.

"If Kwan would've heard you moaning like this, she would've tried harder to take me away from you."

I knew that he was joking, but this made me blush from the cheeks all the way to the tip of the ears.

The dick that was being shoved into me didn't twitch, not once. And that meant that he was not close to cumming at all. Not caring very much where it hit, but when it hit my prostate, it kept hitting there for a while before it missed. There was not a doubt in my mind that he missed on purpose. I was trying to keep my balance on the narrow edge, but my numb feet kept slipping on the warm piss. I bit the inside of my cheeks.

"What? Getting shy on me now?"

He pulled out all of a sudden and my head was pulled back with so much force that I couldn't swallow what little saliva my mouth managed to produce. Until my belly was touching the side of the tub. Ankle and calf were one with the wet floor, arms hanging limply on each side. My back was arched backward, belly forwards, eyes seeing his toes while he shoved his erection into my throat with the accuracy of an archer.

It fit perfectly like that. It went straight into my neck. A slushing sound came out of my throat, saliva came out of nowhere the more his cock head hit the back of my throat, and yet the place he was hitting was hurting. The sides of my lips cracked and stung. My penis, however, didn't agree. Twitching and begging for me to touch it.

I remained calm, thinking that I will seriously choke if I even as much as breathed in. But then it dawned on me that his piss-soaked dick was on my tongue.

Involuntary tears slipped out from the constant struggle. I suddenly wished his balls didn't make it to my eyes, I realized they were too far to do so after only a few more thrusts.

He couldn't do it for long, but it was enough to have me coughing on my knees, head down, thighs hiding the erection, and body shaking like I was being electrocuted.

He got the shower running, adjusted the water before grabbing my chin harshly, and spraying the water in my mouth to drink. And then all over my body.

He was getting me clean, but I still felt dirty after he turned it off.

"Cold?"

I shook my head without looking up.

'I think I've got a fever…'

"What do you need?"

I didn't know why he suddenly cared for my state. But I couldn't spare that question.

I slipped a hand between my legs and started jerking myself off. He simply stared. Not caring that he licked his lips because it hurt too much. I was too hard and too out of it to be shy about it.

I kept masturbating on my knees, a mere two steps away from a standing Namjoon. Looking down while I looked up at between his legs. Close to tears from the numerous places that were hurting and yet giving the only place that I could make it better my entire attention.

So, when he grabbed my hair to shove his cock back into my mouth, I kept jerking myself off.

The sides of my lips hurt so much that I was sure they were splitting open even more than before. The back of my throat was getting worse too, and I was certain that he had pulled out some hairs.

Tears kept falling because of his violent thrusting.

But my dick kept getting harder and harder with no sign of release.

My tongue had no space. My hand and cock were getting drier by the minute.

"Mnhinr"

"What?"

"Mhmahs."

"Wait."

And he pulled out a few thrusts later. Like he needed the few thrusts to do so.

"Say what?"

"Can't cum."

The knowing grin that emerged on his face was making my legs feel like sticks during a storm.

"Welcome to my side of hell."

I coughed the words out, holding onto my neck and cock at the same time as I lazily milked it with a tired hand:

"I mean it. It hurts so much, but I just can't…"

He looked at my hand going up and down, seemed to think of something but choose only to tilt his head, inquiring:

"And want do you want me to do?"

I looked up at his naked self, and in spite of it all, responded with:

"Kiss me." A whisper that was heard perfectly in the quiet bathroom.

"You're kidding…right?"

"No…"

He got down on his knees without another word and danced with my tongue slowly. Stroking his and my cock with one hand. He then grabbed my hand to jerk the lower part of his penis myself.

They were rubbing against each other for the first time and the difference in size kept me too ashamed and too afraid of him going back inside the gaping pucker hole.

His tongue was filling my mouth. One hand went from the back of my head to my ass where it grabbed before a finger went inside it after a while as if he couldn't help himself. And I was right in that assumption.

"Come on. Come faster." He complained, rubbing only my penis with a few fingers while I was using both hands to stroke his.

"I told you that I can't…"

He shoved two more fingers in, hitting my prostate and keeping the walls from closing up at the same time.

"Turn around."

"No…Keep…ah…kissing me…"

He did it and didn't seem pleased with doing just that.

"How about I fuck and kiss you at the same time?"

I nodded, at last, feeling like my genitals were going to explode if I didn't orgasm soon.

I refused to think of what my face was touching when it made contact with the floor, but the fact that he was half-standing to go in was a surefire way for no kissing.

"Just a bit…"

That's what he mumbled, but about half an hour later he was still fucking me from the same position. Foot by my head, one finger on each side of my pucker hole trying to force it to open up more as the long, thick dick went in until the balls touched mine and all the way out until all that kept my asshole open were the two fingers.

Sweat was dripping down my back. While mine had gathered mostly on the forehead.

My cock was getting swollen because of the continuous friction I was providing.

"On your side."

"Wha?"

He pushed me down with his foot lightly as soon as he pulled out. Got on the cold tiles behind me, as if he was spooning me on a warm bed. Forced my head to turn toward him with his hand. Holding the back of it still, that way we could kiss while he jammed into my ass at the same time.

I didn't realize he was slapping my hand away and not my penis until he grabbed it and started stroking it himself.

Way harder than I was. Way faster. Way harsher.

I hated the fact that I was enjoying the pain mixed with nothing short of euphoria.

Every hole was getting filled.

Every stroke was squeezing harder than the last.

"Please…more…please..."

I begged in his mouth.

And he didn't need to be told twice since he jammed it in with short thrusts, but enough strength to almost push me away from him on the wet floor.

"Please…fuck me…please…Nam…"

If he was surprised by my shameless begging, it didn't show. But he kept thrusting forward with such zeal that I was finding it hard to keep myself still. Sucking on his tongue, begging without thinking at all: "…Please…fuck me…fuck…please…"

He was everywhere and everything. Nothing else existed. The pain and the smells. The pleasure and the sound of his meat beating my meat. It was swallowing me whole and spitting me back out. Nausea and the desire for his tongue to make me cough, his dick to shoot inside me, and I too was finally free of this tight, excruciating feeling that started from my belly and ended above my knees.

"Please…please…"

And that's when I felt my ass getting warm again. This time, I was certain that he wasn't pissing, but that he was ejaculating without ceasing the kissing, the thrusting, or the hand job. He kept doing all three.

My cock twitched deliciously when he started moaning into my mouth.

I orgasmed too, mostly out of surprise at the unfamiliar sound and because of the warmth that spread from my chest to the rest of my body at the thought that he was feeling enough pleasure that he had to moan.

A moan that I had never heard before.

A moan that I caused.

But I didn't moan, I screamed.

My balls were hurting while the insides of my ass squeezed his cock until the last drop of sperm was out.

He was biting my bottom lip hard.

And the blood was sweet.

I couldn't see the ceiling, but I knew that I must be looking at it.

It took him more than four whole minutes to get out of my ass and one innocent kiss on the cheek for me to realize the guttural, animalistic sound that had come out of me.

"You've ruined me." I accused him while he was washing his hands and I was still laying on my back, on the floor, hands outstretched on each side, with his cum dripping out of me. And the memory of the sound of my fresh pleading, desperate moans, painted my cheeks in various shades of red.

"What did I do this time?" The aloof question and the way he didn't even turn around to look at me, bothered me.

"Ruined me." I repeated.

"It was good for me too. But you're welcome."

"How am I supposed to ever have normal sex after this?! How am I supposed to ever be normal after…"

"You're telling me you want to have sex with someone else after I've fucked you until I ruined you?"

I took it back after one eyebrow went up.

"If I ever do! In this lifetime. What the hell do I do?!"

"Tell them to screw you as if they're trying to get out through your belly?" He joked and approached me with a towel.

"I'm serious. What the hell was that? Why are you …like that?"

"You're telling me that you didn't enjoy it? After being resurrected twice? Once on mute, the second…"

"Shut up!" I slapped his chest, but he kept cleaning me up.

"You had your eyes, seeing the inside of your head. You should shut up."

"Ah…don't touch…"

"Your cock? But it has stuff on it. Look. I don't know if you've noticed, but we're on the floor."

A sigh was all it took from the spot he's hit deep in my throat to make itself known. He continued: "You never stop complaining, even after I finish in record time. What am I going to do with you? That's the better question."

'My knees are killing me…'

"Why don't we take a shower?" I suggested.

"Good idea. You hop in. I'm going to get a beer."

"No! No more drinking."

"Relax. I'll use the toilet next time. Maybe."

"No. We need to…"

But he left while I was hugging my knees on the bathroom floor.

'What have I become? This is not normal…is it?'

"Do you want some water?!"

"I'm so hungry."

"Huh? Speak louder."

He came in with his long limbs, broad back, and no meat on his stomach, ribs showing for the first time. The fullest part of his body was now his thighs. His face was looking sunken too.

Probably just like mine.

"Namjoon…did you put something in my drink tonight?"

He pretended he didn't hear me and just went over to the bathtub.

'He's been picking the questions he answers lately too…'

"When was the last time you ate?"

"Mm…yesterday? You?" A casual reply.

"Yesterday when?"

"No clue. Why?"

"I'm hungry. Aren't you?"

"I could eat."

"No. I mean like starving." I put a hand over my belly to emphasize it to the man who was adjusting the temperature of the water.

"Wash quick. Then we'll eat."

"I don't think I can move."

"Sure you can." He uttered that with confidence, but him coming to pick me up right after meant that he was only spatting encouragement that he didn't really believe in.

"How much did we sleep in total? The past few days?"

"Jungkook…I know that weed is fucking your time perception big time, but being drunk doesn't exactly help with that either. I can act like I am sober and I can think…somewhat better than you. But that doesn't mean that I'm actually sober."

As if his subconscious wanted to prove what he had just said, he came to a stop the moment we both went in. He was holding me bridal style with the water washing nothing but his feet.

It took a moment before he's realized that and put me down. And he did it with so much care that I almost didn't feel the pain that started right under the chest, all the way down to my thighs.

He picked up the shower and held it above my head. I washed fast. Wishing to get it over with.

And then he had to say: "Get on your knees and spread your legs."

"No. We're not having round two. We finished at the same time for once! Let's enjoy this small victory. See?" I pointed at the small window from above our heads. "It's not even that dark anymore. I haven't eaten in…I don't know how long, but I am so tired. And I'm suddenly warm. And cold too… And it hurts. My body hurts, all of it, and I don't know why…" My voice cracked the more I talked, and the despair I felt made me want to cry. But I was too tired to even do that.

"…to get everything out of your ass, Jungkook. Not for a second round. I got it. Today was a nightmare."

"It wasn't…"

"Yeah, yeah. You moan and orgasm away and then complain it's my fault that you come like three times in a row. You get to keep being the good guy, don't worry. I will be the bad guy if that's what you want. Now, on your knees."

I was looking at the hairs that were hanging messily around his face, the scratches that I'd left on his upper body, and the dark circles under his eyes.

'You're just in as much pain as I am, aren't you? And yet you can't stop?' But the question's never left the safety of my mind.

When he caressed my cheek after I didn't comply, "Are you hungry or not?!" He hit where it hurt most.

I turned around and spread wide, eyes shut. Expecting the spray, but what I got was the hose of the shower without the shower head going inside and filling me up until the water was spilling out.

"Aa…it feels so weird."

But the way he was looking at me was weirder.

It was so loving that I felt guilty about everything I've just said.

We washed each other clumsily. Shampoo got in our eyes, hands rubbed where it stung and nails dug into the scalp.

But we were clean. After a few days of doing nothing, but smoking and drinking. Watching movies, laughing, screaming, and teasing each other. We were fucked out and clean.

And I felt dirtier than ever.

"What's in the fridge?"

"Molded tomatoes. Expired chicken breast...just like last time. It's like no one comes over to clean that damn fridge." He shut it hard. As if he truly believed it was the fridge's fault.

"We need to go shopping." I suggested for what might've been the twentieth time.

"You think? Oh, wait. Frozen pizza!"

"Where?! How?!" I ran up to him, not believing what I had just heard.

"It was behind the expired frozen prunes! I don't know how I feel about not finding the pizzas sooner. Or did we buy them a few days ago? Fuck it. Can't remember… You go turn on the tv. I'll heat it up."

"Don't you want me to bring you some clothes first?"

He turned, stark naked, two pizzas in hand, to inquire with no expression or inflection to his voice whatsoever:

"Why? Am I turning you on?"

"No…"

I was wearing only a big dark blue sweater of his that reached the thighs since I couldn't bear the feeling of pants rubbing against the lower regions. But it was definitely colder now than it was before.

Very aware that he could hear me smoking from the kitchen, Tv volume up or not, I head a bottle cap flying somewhere near the open bathroom door.

Twenty minutes later. We were eating the two pizzas like animals would, after unsuccessfully hunting for days, and then finally, they've discovered gold by a trash can.

"This is the best pizza I've ever had."

"That's only because you're high."

He took a bite and then a sip.

"How are you not nauseous?" I wondered with jealousy.

"I am a medical mystery. Don't you watch the news?"

"Well. excuse me…"

"There's marinara sauce on your thigh."

"Oh, I didn't…feel…it."

He leaned down until he was on his belly. Tongue out. He cleaned it up with his mouth.

I didn't dare move. He kept licking despite the fact that the drop of sauce was gone after the second lick.

He was so close to my genitals that my thighs tingled strangely.

"Namjoon…what are you doing?" I asked after I felt myself getting hard after he's parted my legs wider, swishing his tongue in lines and circles all over the most sensitive parts of the thighs.

"Eating."

"You just ate. We just…"

Two fingers pushed me down on my back. He got the hoodie rolled up to the navel and the cold air hit my growing erection, but his mouth never made it up to there.

He lifted my legs and ass up to his face so he could lick my pucker hole better. His tongue kept trying to get in.

It felt good. It felt bad. It felt dirty. But I didn't want him to stop. Though I was kind of hoping he wouldn't get hard too. I started pumping myself shyly when the tip of his tongue did get a bit in after fingers were stretching it out and going in at the same time.

He took his fingers out and held me up by the ass cheeks, fingers digging in them while his mouth kept sucking on my pucker hole.

"You taste so good." He breathed out.

I could feel my face burning.

His tongue rimmed me with the patience of a saint. As if it was indeed tasty. He seemed to get bored of that so he started licking the perineum too, while he kept teasing my balls with one hand. Shoving fingers in with the other.

I felt more powerful with him between my legs. And yet, I was still at the mercy of whatever he wanted to do to me.

But whatever monster possessed me previously, it was gone. Cause after less than ten minutes of his tongue and teeth, tasting me, I came all over his blue large hoodie, fingers tangled in his hair.

He didn't stop after I came. He didn't stop even after I'd drifted to sleep.

I didn't know if he had fucked me for a long time or just went inside me and fell asleep right after. But when I woke up, he was soft but still inside. One pizza slice was attached to one of my calves. And the alcohol-stained breath was hitting the crook of my neck.

Arms secured around my waist.

I was hesitant to move and wake him up, but then I realized that I didn't wake up on my own accord.

"Namjoon…Someone's at the door…Some…Ah…" I pulled myself out. Covered the painful morning wood with the first pants I saw. Closed the door of the bedroom and hurried to look through the peephole with wobbly, pained legs.

"Hi…Fred?"

He looked me up and down exactly once before walking in without me inviting him in.

Taking in the messy surroundings with a disgusted or disapproving expression. I couldn't tell which.

"The brat?"

"He's asleep."

"It's five PM."

"We've been watching movies until late." I forced the words out through the Sahara that was my throat.

'It's like it's something there…it burns…ah…I don't want to talk. Namjoon…wake up…'

But that was the least of my worries when Fred went straight to the door that I had just closed and peeked in.

Pizza boxes, dirty clothes, dirty towels, and beer cans were scattered all around the room and a naked, visibly thinner, snoring Namjoon was spread in the starfish position amongst them all.

He shut the door slowly and then sat down by the table right after looking disapprovingly at the beer and water bottles, audibly smelling around.

"Did something happen?" I shyly inquired.

"That's what I'm here to find out."

"What…What do you mean?"

"Did any of you check your phones since Christmas?"

"I did, yesterday in fact…"

'What am I saying? I've used the phone Namjoon's bought me.'

"Are you sure? Cause I've been calling and calling. And both are turned off. Regardless of the hour."

"…might be out of battery."

"Huh. And yet neither of you thought anyone would be calling and bothered to charge them? You know that I am not expecting to be high on your guy's priority list, but shouldn't you at least wish your parents a happy new year?"

"Yeah…I …forgot. Happy new year to you too, by the way…." I stuttered and rubbed a sore arm.

"Jungkook. What's going on?"

'Shit. I grabbed Namjoon's pants. And they're falling down...'

I sat down in the middle of the hallway. Tugging on the sweater to keep myself fully covered. My head felt way better now that I was sitting down, but my backside was protesting.

"Nothing. We just got carried away with celebrating…That's all."

He smirked, only by lips.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Nothing…ahem…going on." I coughed.

"You find it hard to talk, don't you? I wonder why."

He propped his head up by a fist and looked me up and down just like he did before.

"I…"

"Did you smoke all the weed that I gave you?"

"Almost…"

I fixated my stare on the ground, a bit ashamed.

"Did he drink two salaries yet?"

"I don't know…"

My voice was getting smaller after every answer.

"We were just celebrating." I insisted, weakly.

"I know Namjoon better than you do, Jungkook. And I know how he celebrates."

I nodded.

Hoping he didn't. But he answered the question I didn't ask without batting an eye.

"There's cum on your hoodie Jungkook."

I looked down and there it was. Plain as day.

"Sorry."

I covered my face. As if it'd disappear if I did that.

"You have nothing to apologize for."

"No…I have to. It's bad. It's…dirty and…"

"Jungkook. Sex is healthy. Sex is normal. Sex is beautiful. When you do it once…and then you stop for at least half a day."

"We haven't done it in five days!" I exclaimed.

"Congratulations. Enlighten me, how did you keep Namjoon off you for five full days?"

Fred was being sarcastic as much as he was curious, but my brain was stuck thinking of the time and day.

"Or maybe six? Four? No, five."

"Haha…." The laugh was ironic, and then ended with a dead serious: "What did you take?"

"Me? Nothing. Just the usual..."

"What did he take?" He asked, tone lower than before.

"I think just…alcohol."

He started laughing again, so I started looking around, waiting for the joke to sink in for me too. But my mind was quiet. I was just reacting to what was in front of me. To the words. To his mood.

The weed was still swimming all around my system and didn't let me think of anything else to say but the truth. Adrenaline surged forwards and making everything more impactful to my nervous system. I was in alert mode. And whatever I was saying…I didn't think about it at all. It just came out. Like gum that you chewed on for too long.

Only because my anxiety made me believe that I had to say something. Since my mouth was open so it had to say something, yet sometimes nothing came out at all. And being quiet was more embarrassing than speaking the truth to my mind somehow.

"Did you look in the mirror during these five to six days of celebrating?"

"Aa…maybe."

"Then you did not. Go look in the mirror now. I'll wait."

Before I got up hesitantly and headed towards the bathroom, he added: "And if you have a smaller mirror, I encourage you to use that too. If you need help, let me know."

"No…it's fine."

"Don't hurry back."

I shut the door. Inhaled and exhaled deeply. Wondering why I was feeling like I was at the top of a roller coaster, waiting for the cart to drop.

'It's because I didn't smoke yet.' Was my best guess.

I looked up and saw myself from a distance.

But it was just enough to see the raw red skin of my neck. The sunken, lightless eyes. The dry, chapped, slightly bloody, cracked lips.

The hair that only a madman could have. Similar to a bird's nest.

The clothes hung off me like a hanger.

I hesitantly took the top off. And managed to see the many mosquito bites that went from my neck all the way down to the one nipple Namjoon loved to suck on like it was a whole boob.

The pants fell a minute after not holding them up.

I turned to look at my back and it was redder than the front. Felt the spine sticking out which wasn't anything new but coupled with the scratches from his nails yesterday and bruises around my waist…the bruises and nail marks on the sides of the knees were the worst looking.

The hand prints around the waist and hips, fresh red skin on the inside of my thighs. I didn't dare try to see my own ass.

I took one step towards the sink, thinking: 'It's not that bad…' but the pain that shoot up from my ass, up to my stomach, and down to my knees was no joke. I didn't want to take another step. And the thought that it hurt this much after doing it twice seemed a bit ridiculous now.

'Allowing his addiction…. did he…did he fuck me while I was asleep since Christmas?…No…He wouldn't.'

I covered myself up, unable to blink. Holding onto my clothes like they were protective layers. But when I sat back down in front of Fred, wincing from the pain that came with sitting down, I felt like he could see through them.

Alas, he couldn't.

"Want to show me too?"

"Wha….at?"

"Your chest. If you're shy about it. Your upper back. And legs."

"No, I …"

"Your wrists?"

He approached me with determination, pulled up the sleeves, and then as if that wasn't enough, pulled up the top. A bit from the bottom of the hoodie, a peak from the top. Some quick peeks on the sides. Never took it all off, but pretty much lifted and pinched until he saw everything but my genitals. Everything happening so fast that by the time I was turned around, he was squatting down behind me, looking at my calves. So, I looked at them too, wondering if he had tied me up and I didn't remember it right this moment.

I felt like I'd been running for an hour after the quick yet throughout body inspection.

He finished by standing up and staring straight into my dry eyes.

"I don't care how much you smoke. The worst that can happen is that you eat too much, fall asleep or have a brief but very solvable breakdown. But he…he needs to stop drinking. And fast or your body might break soon. Or his mind. Which is the worst of the two."

I bit my lip which, hurt too much considering the weak pressure.

"Do you know why he's started?" He continued.

"…not sure…"

"Think then. When did it start?"

"We went to your house and then to my parent's. He started drinking at your place and a bit at my parents' house and then…."

"Then it's my fault."

"I didn't say that."

"I know. I'm just keeping myself on the list. He only goes on drinking sprees when there's something that he thinks he can't control." He smiled bitterly. "Did something happen when you were at your parents? Did you come out of the closet after all?"

I felt the pants wanting to go down and an upcoming headache agreeing with it, so I slowly slid to the floor and Fred held me by the arm as I did so. As if he was afraid that I might collapse.

"I wanted to but then …my brother told them something that upset them. So, I didn't want to upset them too."

"You're not going to tell me what?"

I swallowed.

"Jungkook…" He had an offended smile on. "Don't hide stuff from me. That won't do you any good."

I felt small under his stare for the first time. As if it'd be really bad if I didn't confess. As if there were consequences. Unspoken, dangerous consequences. I rubbed onto my painful knees. Then pulled on the hoodie to stretch it out and make it cover as much of me as possible.

He started pacing around. And after one glance at the closed bedroom door, I whispered: "My brother's girlfriend got pregnant. They didn't plan it."

"Congrats. Did they throw him out?"

"No. They fought so he left. They made up on the phone and then he came back in the morning with Tam…the pregnant girlfriend. They ate, talked, went shopping for baby stuff or whatever. But we…we stayed behind."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to go."

I shut my eyes at the memory that appeared before me like a picture.

"Because?"

"I started drinking from the moment I've opened my eyes because I didn't have any weed with me. He didn't let me take it with me …there."

"You couldn't hold off for a few hours?" That question made me a bit mad. And ashamed.

"I was…stressed out because of my own problem…. So, I've used what I had lots of."

He sighed, mostly through his nose.

He squatted down. A few centimeters away from me.

"Alright. What did you two do alone at your place?"

"We…. fought. Kinda. Not really."

"What's a 'not really' fight exactly?"

He was massaging his temples.

"I accused him of mandandeling…manhanding me, yeah, that's the word."

He shook his head as if that wasn't it at all.

"Anything else?"

'He…was ashamed. Wasn't he?' I thought back at his lowered head.

"My brother told my parents that they were hard on him and easy on me even though I haven't been home at all. That I've been staying with him."

"Interesting. And how did that go down?"

"My parents thanked him. They were grateful and apologetic. Namjoon didn't look them in the eye after that."

"That would've only made him want to treat you better Jungkook. Think harder! That's something he can control…well, he could control it a bit better a few days ago but still…."

"But that's all that's happened after we've left your place and after he got drunk from your wine."

"I poured him a few. Knowing his tolerance has always been high. He kept pouring it for himself after that. What was I supposed to do?"

"You should've known something was up if he's done this before!"

"I didn't say that he's done this before Jungkook."

He shot up straight, stepping back. It confused me.

'Didn't you?'

"Well…did he?"

I got up as well. Holding the pants with one hand and making a fist with the other.

He rubbed my right arm and then said, with a voice that I could only think of as far too sincere for what it was communicating: "He really loves you, Jungkook."

"Why are you saying this?"

"You look…so much better than her."

I shook my head right and left, confused and feverish. He continued with the same low voice:

"He clearly cares about you. He…really, really loves you Jungkook."

"What the hell did he do to her Fred?"

He took his hand back and glanced around the dirty kitchen.

"Does it matter? All that matters is that we get him to sober up. And you know how you're going to do that?"

"Me?"

"Yes. You. You got to figure out what's wrong and help him fix it. And fast. Until there's only pizza in that room."

"But…he doesn't answer the questions that he doesn't want to lately."

His eyes went wide and after he seemed to be checking the quality of my hair with his fingers, said:

"Make him mad then."

"Nah-ah. That's a bad idea."

"That's the only way to get him talking!" He shout-whispered.

"And how do I make him mad?"

"I don't know. It seems you haven't been doing much of that, so you really have no idea how to, do you?"

'What the…'

"Whatever happens. Just listen to me carefully." He took one more glance at the kitchen, but before I could follow his stare, he closed the space between us and said: "Trust me and don't drink any water that he brings you. Not even bottled water. Actually, it's better if you don't drink anything at all."

Time stopped without the help of any external force. Something big got stuck in my throat and I couldn't swallow it for the life of me.

"No tea either. Just…go to the store and buy liquids for yourself, by yourself if you can."

'All the times he's asked me if I wanted water…and the time he's asked Kwan…the water…it was... in the…'

Fred was still talking, but my eyes could only see Namjoon handing me water in various containers. Over and over again.

"It's better if you tell him that you drank it, but don't do it. Just toss it. Spill it by mistake...do you understand, Jungkook?"

"He's been drugging me?" I whispered while beginning to hyperventilate.

"Not necessarily."

"What the fuck do you mean, not necess…!"

I covered my own mouth, afraid Namjoon might've heard me.

"Calm down. And just answer me this: What do you remember from the past couple of days? Parts of the day that weed wouldn't have erased?"

"I don't know." I hit the sides of my body from sheer panic, "It's all been a blur. I haven't smoked in a long time and then I smoked a lot and…"

"But you said that you only had intercourse once. Are all these bruises from doing it just that one time?" The furrowed brows and the doubting tone. I really wanted to ignore it and believe Namjoon instead.

"I don't know. I haven't looked in the mirror from the last…last time we did it. I don't know what happened… I don't know…I've been really tired lately…I don't remember much…we slept a lot…but I…."

The more I talked the less air I had. The faster my heart was beating.

"Shh…Jungkook. Breathe in fully. Let the breath reach your belly. Good. Now exhale out slowly. Do this nine times."

"But it hurts." I cried out softly.

"What hurts?"

"My abdomen…"

"Don't breathe in so deeply now then, but let it get in your belly. This will calm you down. I promise. Good. One. Two…"

He was holding my hands in his. While I was calming down by the magic of steady breathing, the room looked clearer. The lines of his face were smoother. The sound of Namjoon's snoring, a comforting melody.

"Do you feel better?"

"Surprisingly, yes. What did that do?"

"Stabilizes the nervous system. Now. I'm not saying that he's drugged you every single day. I might be wrong. I am not saying anything, but just don't drink the water. Alright?"

I nodded.

Let him rub my arms, which I assumed was his way to comfort me. And then escorted him out.

"Find out what got him going and if there's anything I can do, text or call me. Whichever you want."

I nodded again. Waiting until he was out of sight.

And then locked the door.

Stood in the same spot he did and searched the kitchen looking for whatever he might've seen. But all that was out of the ordinary were the empty cups lined up by the sink.

Let the pants drop in the exact place I've found them with tears still fresh in my eyes. I snuggled myself at his chest just like I was before.

He hugged me in his sleep a few minutes later as he was waking up. My body was hurting and my head was buzzing.

Regardless, I keep staring, wide-eyed at the wall. Waiting patiently.

"Good morning." He whispered sleepily. Kissing my cheek multiple times.

"Morning."

"Did you sleep well?"

"Aha…"

He pulled me closer by the waist and asked:

"I'm going to the kitchen; do you want something?"

And I replied:

"Water."