Poker (Special)

AN: Surprise! I've finished it sooner, but the next chapter will, hopefully, be done in two or three weeks. Until then, enjoy the chaos:

Jungkook's perspective:

The painting of a sinking boat. The flowery covers. And the mundane view from the wide window. They were driving me insane. That, and the narrow space. The crying baby. And the passive-aggressive snide comments that have been thrown in my face during every single breakfast or dinner.

I was counting down the minutes until my brother would get home. Counting down the minutes until he'd leave. But schedule changes do occur. And this was the day when he caught me on the way out since he made it home early.

Only so he could hear me ask in a high-pitched tone, like a spoiled child: "Excuse me?"

"You're not leaving this house!" Jung shouted, standing in the doorway with his back flat against the wooden surface.

I scoffed and crossed my arms.

"Do I need your permission to go to the bathroom too?"

"I told you that if you want freedom, then you must tell me what happened before you..."

I used my fingers to mimic a mouth yapping and sarcastically went: "Blah, blah, I need to know everything, blah, blah." while he was getting redder in the face. A vein popped out from all the others and pulsated on the right temple.

"This is it! Go to your room!"

"Don't tell me what to do," I said somberly.

"Or what? What can you do? Drop uni? Or disappear?"

I took one step forwards. So close to him that I could feel him breathing. I didn't blink, nor move another muscle besides my mouth because if I've learned anything from the time I've spent behind bars was that what was not showing across one's face was far worse than any other obvious expression.

And whispered: "I don't know if you're aware of it so I'll spell it out for you."

"Mhm. What is that?"

"You have to go to work tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And the day after that too. So, whatever you're trying to pull right now goes out the window when the sun comes up."

"My wife is..."

"Your wife?" I scoffed again and then lowered my voice further: "The second the baby starts crying, I'll know exactly where she'll be."

His body was visibly stiffer, fists on each side and the flush of his cheeks, gone.

Jung's voice matched my own when he asked: "Do you want to have a place to come back to? Cause I can lock you out if that's what I have to do. And you don't have a job, prospects or..."

"We both know you can't do that or our parents will never forgive you."

I shrugged.

He cracked a smile.

"I might convince them that I had no other choice."

"You might...but we both know you'll fail."

"Jungkook."

Jung let the back of his head hit the door as he looked down with his head still up. And went on: "You don't want to tell me until it's too late? Agreed. That's your deal. But you have to tell me where you're going at least."

"No, Jung. I don't have to."

I smiled, triumphantly. Turned around and went right out the back door.

As soon as my feet made it outside, I allowed myself to breathe as panicked as I truly was.

Cause as much as I liked to play my cards as if I wasn't attached to any of them, I still knew that I was bluffing.

I only had one card left and Jung was a King. I couldn't lose him. But I couldn't let him know that either.

The life I'd have to live if he decided to kick me out was something I didn't want to live through.

And if mom and dad were to step in, then it was truly game over.

It'd be too hard to forgive myself if I were to try to fool them. I probably would have to be sneakier but when it came down to it, I'd probably have to get my act together for a long time before I'd get a win.

'But Namjoon isn't letting me win either way.'

No one was selling to me no matter how careless I've been.

Asking junkies and strangers alike. Following cigarette smoke and weird-looking people to the weirdest of places to ask for a number or a name. Even when I'd get one, they still wouldn't sell to me.

It was as if my face was blacklisted.

Not only that, but some would walk the other way when they'd see me coming.

At this point, I wasn't even craving weed that much. I had given up hope, but I had nothing else going for me.

Staying inside drove me crazy. Going outside without a plan in mind was making the depression worse.

And seeing how far Namjoon's influence went was my new high.

Cause it was ridiculous.

I knew Fred was someone who shouldn't be messed with but I never knew that he'd been an omnipotent God. I wasn't certain if Namjoon had managed to get a lot of new people on his dark side or if these were Fred's old people, but it wasn't like I could ask and get an answer.

But their scared reactions were priceless. I found it enraging at first but now, it was funny how they'd go pale as soon as I'd whisper the name Kim Namjoon.

I was also very painfully aware that I didn't need more than one person to slip up. One person who'd sell or who'd call him and tell him where I was.

I just had to find that one weak link or pass the time trying. Cause the alternative was to try and live normally. Whatever that meant. And I wanted that less than I wanted to get high or see Namjoon. Anything but going back to uni was better. Anything but getting a mind-numbing job was better. Anything than pretending to be someone that I wasn't was better. Anything was better.

Walking around in the dead of the night or the dawn of the morning was keeping me busy. Tired. And starving.

But it was something to do.

On a particular hopeless day, I knocked on the door of his house. Nearly expecting him to answer. At the very least, I expected someone to open the damn door. But no one did.

It looked abandoned. So, it might as well be. Yet it still felt like someplace I could hang around.

The stairs from the back of his house were my new favorite place.

No one came there and no one could see it from the street.

I developed a strange kinship with this house that I didn't foresee. It was like a haunted place that no one wanted to touch. And what else was I if not a ghost that was refusing to move on? Playing cards with my safety and sanity on the line.

I'd fall asleep there after walking around aimlessly for hours. And when I'd wake up due to a loud sound or purely because I've slept enough, I'd open my eyes and see him standing in the garden or walking towards me from the edge of the forest.

But Namjoon never actually showed up.

It was just me.

And I wasn't sure if I was missing him. Or if I was missing having someone who could understand why I couldn't face the facts and live as if nothing has ever happened.

Cause Namjoon didn't move on either. But instead of losing game after game, he's won so many that he was the King of the place. And I, its ghost.

What a shame. What a tragedy. What a bore.

'Maybe I should try asking the hobo near the school again...'

I thought to myself, leaning on the back door. Trying to keep my eyes somewhat open despite the sun.

'Hey Namjoon, if you've truly left me behind, then why won't you let me forget you? Forget everything? What are you even doing? Showing my face to every dealer? What's this if not your way of telling me to move on? Forcing me to do what you want, as always. Isn't it? You've always been a control freak, but this is too much. You can't take yourself out and my only way out of this mental prison too. It's not fair. You're being way too... cruel.'

One tear slipped out and then another.

'I was willing to forgive you for leaving and for letting me root behind bars. I was willing to let live and forget. But how am I supposed to do that now? I can't go back to uni and pretend you were never there. That our friends were never there. And just move on...could you? Would you be able to do it? Cause I don't think I can. I'd rather die than try again. It was so painful the first time. I don't think I'd be able to do it a second time, and without you too. It's...why? What the hell are you doing? Are you even still alive?'

I smiled and pushed myself up. Walked around the house and out the gate. Past the market and the closed water lilies. Heading straight to the hobo that I saw selling to a high schooler right before the school bell rang.

'You might've learned from Fred but I've learned from you...'

The old man looked up from inside his dirty coat with one blue eye. He was trying to see me through the cold sunrays of the morning. And I helped him by creating a shadow straight down his face by blocking the sun with my body.

'How to be cruel. I know how to do it. And I can do it to you specifically. Because if you would've stopped caring about me at all then you would gladly watch me smoke my freedom away or get into an early grave by an accidental overdose. No. You'd gladly punish me. But instead...'

I reached inside the pocket of my green jacket and pulled out a yellow box cutter.

"Take me to your boss," I told the confused, sleepy old man.

'…you're still protecting me. Like a moron. But I've already told you that if I were to ever stop using, I'd have no idea what to do with myself. And in the way you've dealt your cards and took mine away, I got nothing left to lose but the damn King. And I've already lost him once so...'

"Before I bleed out."

'I have to play him to get you, the Ace. And the only way to get the Ace is to be as cruel to you as you've been to me. So here you go. This cut is for you.'

I pressed the blade across my wrist and pushed down as hard as I could. Blood oozed out instantly as if it was waiting to be released from its meat prison.

But I couldn't stop there even when the man's eyes went wide as he looked right and left. As if he was waiting for someone to burst out of the bushes.

The other wrist was harder to cut but its blood felt warmer.

'Not enough?'

The man sprung up as if he's never been incapacitated in any way, although I've seen him moving as slowly as a snail before.

'Fine. It's fine. I got nothing anyway…'

The blade was slippery in my hand, but I managed to grip it tightly enough to cut across my neck smiling.

"Your boss. Kim Namjoon...take me...to...I need to...see..."

It might've been the lack of food. The never-ending poor quality of sleep. Or the blood loss.

Either way, as the view I had of the man and the familiar vegetation went upside down, I kept thinking: 'I'll either faint or die. Either way...I'll feel better. It's fine. Everything will be fine. If only...he'll stop being so...'

...

…..

….

…

...

..

.

"You're so naive."

I knew that voice. And it sent my mind into chaos the second the association with its owner was registered by my brain.

'Astrid.'

"How did you manage to get to this age? It's outstanding to me. Truly."

'That makes two of us.'

I forced my eyes open only to see his orange torso.

The beeps of the medical machines, the constant chatter, and the relentless phone rings were enough to let me know that we were in a hospital.

"Where is..." I started only to get cut off.

"I've called Jung and Jung promised to call your parents."

'…what?'

"They'll take you to a nice place where you can heal and..."

"STOP SCREWING AROUND!"

"I don't know what you're entai…"

"GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!"

I sounded so much like Namjoon that it frightened not only the nurses and patients in the hallways but also me.

Astrid however, only knew the definition of the word scared.

He grinned. Perhaps because he thought he should. For a reason that only he was conscious of.

"Give you what, Jungkook?" He asked, calmly. Happily.

"Namjoon."

He feigned idiocy and blurted out an easy:

"Who?"

"I want to see Namjoon." I declared, pushing myself up.

"He's out of town."

"Call him, you fucking..." I spat between closed teeth.

"He doesn't want to see you."

"Why not?!"

"Why would he?"

"..."

"Anything else?"

"Get me some weed. I don't want anything that'll kill me. If he doesn't want me then at least let me..."

"I am afraid I can't do that either. Anything else?"

"What can you do?!"

"Make sure you're here when your parents arrive."

It was right after these words have left his mouth that it dawned on me: I was tied to the hospital bed. Arms and legs. Immobilized.

Astrid was insane if he thought I could escape by myself but either way, I tried and tried.

"You're a danger to yourself, Jungkook."

"Call Namjoon! Now!" I screamed, twisting my body in all positions A fruitless effort.

"He already knows what you've done. And he agreed that your parents are..."

"Let me talk to him. Get him on the phone and..."

"I am afraid I can't do..."

I bit my own tongue and stood still.

"Yes, you can! Or I swear Astrid, I will find a knife and when I do, I'll write your name in my blood and Namjoon will slice you like a thanksgiving turkey after I'll die."

He seemed to ponder my threat for a bit. Hence, the swift tilt of his head to the left and then to the right.

A few blinks and then a hand slipped inside the pockets of his light blue jeans.

Only to take it out, saying: "Just kidding."

I grunted and pushed against the ties, bucking my hips and arching my back.

When I was too exhausted and disheartened to try again, I succumbed to the only thing left to try: begging.

"Please, Astrid. Please! It'll only take five minutes. And after that, I swear, I'll be good. I'll do whatever you want. Whatever my parents want. Please...just call him for me. Please..."

"..."

"Please?"

"Hmm…how about...no?"

His smile reminded me of Taehyung's. The two uncaring eyes reminded me of everything I ever hated in this world.

'Lack of empathy. This psycho only listens to reason. He doesn't care if I were to burst into flames right now. So, what do I do? What now?'

'Tick-tock.'

'Think, god damn it.'

'There has to be a way out.'

'Maybe I will be able to convince my parents to leave me be.'

'I've just shown them I can't be trusted by slicing my wrists!

'Tick-tock.'

'There's no way they'll listen to me over a professional now.'

'Tick-tock.'

'Or I could run away.'

'And go where?'

It was brief. A millisecond in which I could swear that the small, white clock was above Astrid's head. Stuck inside the wall.

But this time, it was counting down.

'They'll just catch me again.'

'And then what?'

'I should just die.'

'No. Not yet.'

'I don't even want to smoke. I don't think it'll erase it all. I don't think it's strong enough to...'

The numbers were changing, but so was the color of the numbers themselves.

'Shut up.'

'What will I even say to him?'

'Tick-tock.'

'What's the point?'

'If I were to give up, then...what?'

'What comes after this?'

'What do I do?'

'Who am I?'

'What's left of...'

'Tick-tock.'

"Astrid."

"Yes, Jungkook."

"Did he order you not to let me speak to him?"

"No, why?"

"Then why won't you call him?"

He seemed taken aback by that question for one whole second.

"He's never ordered me to let you speak to him either."

"Then you two have never consulted about this situation? Have you?"

"Correct."

"Ask him."

"About this situation?"

"Yes. What should you do if I were to ask to speak to him? Ask him that."

"Oki Doki."

He got up at once and walked into the hallway to do just that.

Leaving me to wonder on the edge of a heart attack while he was pacing back and forth.

My mind was blank. My wishing bank was empty. The deck was in Astrid's hands.

But for a minute, while I was trying to catch one word he was saying to Namjoon, I almost wanted to cry.

I imagined that's the reaction one would have when they're about to talk to some long-lost parent.

But this wasn't my father. This was Namjoon. Namjoon's who has done things to my body I could never forget. Namjoon, the one who has yelled and put me down more than once. Manhandled me since day one. And yet, he felt safer than the rest of the world right now. Someone who'd hold me when it got too bad. Someone who'd listen to me and try to help. Someone who cared whether I lived or died. Someone who knew me. Who I was. Who I should become. Maybe who I've always been.

Regardless, I could still see Astrid hanging up as clear as day.

Which meant: 'I am finally all alone now.'

That's what I thought until he reached down and freed my arms.

Saying: "Get up. And walk as if you are allowed to."

"What did he say?"

"No time for questions."

Despite the reasonable paranoia, no one's stopped us. Maybe because they were busy with the screaming children. With the old people complaining. Or busy in general.

But I did spot her, my mom. Right after we passed the corner of the longest corridor.

I only caught her face for a moment but I could tell she's been crying. I could tell that I've hurt her in ways I'll probably never comprehend.

But I was also hurt in ways she couldn't understand either.

'I am sorry. I really am. I never meant to hurt anyone. I don't even know why I am doing this. But I don't know what else to do...I don't know how to do anything...All I know is...'

Astrid pushed a see-through door by the metal bar and held it open for me while I hesitantly walked out.

"Get in the car."

A beep indicated which one.

And that was it.

I was on my way to see Namjoon.

Or so I thought at the time.

But Astrid didn't lie unless he was told to. And just like he said, there were no rules around this situation. So, I ended up spending the next four days stuck in a hotel room with him as the bodyguard or as the jail keeper. I wasn't sure which and I didn't want to find out.

I kept myself busy by watching movie after movie. Munching on chocolate and drinking from the smallest bottles of whiskey.

Having bubble baths and awkward conversations with a manic during breakfast.

I was forcing myself to eat out of fear of Namjoon seeing the body I didn't take care of. Although I wasn't so dumb as to believe I could gain a lot of weight during the span of a few days.

The wish in itself was the weirdest thing. The irrational fear of having done something that I knew he wouldn't agree with. And getting caught red-handed by choice.

I was like a trained puppy in that way but I still couldn't shake the feeling. It was irrational which meant I had no control over it.

When the fifth day rose its ugly head from the horizon while I was struggling to chew on a hard protein bar, I found myself ridiculous.

'Screw him. Screw it. This is all his fault. If he didn't leave...if Taehyung wouldn't have...if I didn't leave uni...then. What then? No. Don't go into what ifs again. There's no point. Just go back to sleep. And wait until he...'

"Good morning."

Astrid sounded more chipper saying that today than in any of the previous mornings so I was a bit hesitant to one: pull the bar out of my teeth, and two, react to it any differently in case it'll set something off in his busted brain.

"Morning."

I turned my back to him and continued to stare out the window and straight into the cloud-hidden sun.

"Get dressed. We're leaving."

"Where?"

"To see Namjoon. Isn't that what you wanted?"

A piece of the bar got stuck in my throat. I tried to cough it in or out but it scratched everything around it nonetheless.

"...what?" I quietly asked, in disbelief. Stomach turning.

It all felt different all of a sudden.

I could feel my extremities again. Aware of every single limb like I haven't in more than a year and a half.

"He's waiting. Chop. Chop."

Despite the newfound sensation, I did get up and sprinted for the shower. But not before asking a passing: "Where?"

It was as I was closing the door to the bathroom that I heard the word: "Office." And felt my heartbeat picking up.

'Stupid. So stupid.'

That's what I kept telling myself while scrubbing every inch of the skin clean as if I'd had mud on it previously.

'What the hell am I doing? It's not like he'll...'

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Feeling the scratch burn.

My right ear started ringing as well.

'What am I imagining? What am I...no, no... he wouldn't. I won't! We'll only be talking about...'

"I will wait for you in the parking lot!" Astrid shouted through the door.

"Alright!" I shouted back.

'What will we be talking about? My right to exist how I see fit? The past year and a half? The reason why he left? The reason why I left? The reason why he decided Taehyung should die?! What?!'

I was reluctant to leave the safety of the warm water. Reluctant to step out of the shower and into the new clothes that Astrid has bought for me.

'What can I tell Namjoon? The one who's ordering the shooting of policemen near his house?! I don't know that guy...'

But I had to. So, I turned off the tap. Closed my eyes and jumped out. Brushed my teeth and combed my hair.

'...maybe he's changed for the better?'

'Tick-tock.'

'...but would someone who's better allow the shooting of policemen near his house?!'

I swallowed another lump. It stung.

The room was spinning.

'No. No. What am I doing? This is bad. I should be staying away from him. I should just...get him to let me buy. That's it. That's all. And then...go back home? Pff. I almost forgot my family thinks I tried to kill myself."

I was shrugging while I was dressing up.

'Won't they be calling the police? I did leave after they tied me to the bed. Will I be on the news as a missing person? Maybe I should've watched the news instead of cartoons!'

I face palmed myself on the way out of the room.

It was like I was floating down the hallway.

Disturbingly aware of where every limb started and ended. But my head was filled with thoughts and yet the background felt empty.

'Ace. I need an Ace. I need a win. I need...freedom. Some kind of freedom.'

I walked out the front door of the hotel room, forgetting that the parking lot was behind the hotel.

I went back inside and out the back door like I should have the first time, under the judgmental supervision of an employee.

And found that Astrid wasn't kidding when he said he wanted me to hurry.

The car was right in from the door.

And some employees were yelling at him for it.

I hopped in through all the shouting and watched with indifference as their outraged faces got smaller and smaller as the car got further and further away.

"What did he say?"

"I was not allowed to park there and I told them that I wasn't going to stay put. I was merely waiting for someone but they didn't care. They kept..."

"Not them. Namjoon. What did he say?"

"To bring you."

"And?"

"That's it."

'That's it?' I thought, watching the pavement roll under us like a conveyor belt from atop the couch edge of the back seat.

"Why did he agree? To you know, see me."

"I didn't ask."

"You simply told him I wanted to and he replied: Astrid, bring him to me."

"Yes and no."

"What does that mean?"

For no apparent reason, Astrid went quiet for the rest of the ride. And for the first time since I had the displeasure of resting my eyes on him, I wished he'd talk.

'Tick-tock. Tick-tock.'

The road took so long that if I ever dreamed to remember the way, I acknowledged that possibility as a dream.

And yet, when the car halted, I almost didn't want to get out of it.

The sight of the tall building didn't ease my nerves.

No matter how much I've been insulting myself and him mentally, I still couldn't stop my palms from sweating. Or my chest from breaking in half.

One fancy door after the other was leading me to their owner.

The guy who didn't want to sleep in the one bedroom of his one-bedroom house because his grandma had died in there.

I felt myself shrinking after each hallway.

And when two doors opened at once and revealed a tired Namjoon, holding his chin up in a muscled arm adorned with a watch, I almost walked back from where I came from.

Astrid closed the doors after me.

Namjoon and I were alone after more than a year and a half.

And neither was saying a word.

The only acknowledgment of my presence was him leaning back in his leather chair, crossing his hands on his lap. Arching an eyebrow at me.

Irking me to say something.

So, I did: "Mistake number...wait…I…it's…I lost count."

Another eyebrow rise.

"Hi."

I whispered.

"What do you want?" He asked, strong. Determined. Unshaken.

A true Ace.

"If I were to be a card, which one do you think I'd be?"

"Jungkook, I don't have time to play games with you."

He let me know and emphasized that by rubbing his temples.

"Of course, you don't." I mumbled, and went on, forcing myself to speak up: "But you have time to pass my picture around for all the dealers to see."

"Get to the point."

"Let me buy. Oh, and fire Astrid as my bodyguard."

"Are you done?"

"Also, leave me alone."

He smirked.

I felt myself shrinking further.

"It seems being incarcerated didn't do much for you."

He noted, pouring himself a drink from what appeared to be a crystal bottle.

"I won't be selling anymore," I promised.

"Then where will you get the money you'd need?"

I parted my lips but nothing came out.

"I thought you'd hate me for getting you locked up. But you don't seem to be that mad about it."

He took a sip while I felt all the blood getting drained from my brain. And the little color that was around us, drained out of existence.

"What?"

"You didn't know?"

"No...I..."

I shook my head as soon as he started smirking.

'That doesn't make any difference.'

"You motherfucking…"

Kim Namjoon burst into laughter at my swear word between sips.

And my ear rang to the sound of its laughter.

"But it soiled your tongue quite nicely, I see."

"Why did you do it?" I wanted to know.

"You were bound to get caught sooner or later. I thought sooner was better." He admitted innocently even.

"Why would I get caught?!"

"You were quite obvious and naive."

The times Astrid had called me naive were swimming through my head like burning cars on the highway.

'Ever since day one. I've always been in the palm of your hand. Haven't I?'

"I gotta say, I am surprised you had the guts to cut yourself like that. A thoughtless move, but a move indeed."

'I thought you didn't have time to play with me?'

"Are you enjoying it? Fred's inheritance?"

A rise of the brow. A smaller smirk. The glass was put down.

Namjoon looked up at the ceiling. Pulled on the immaculate sleeves unconsciously for the second time since I came in. Almost like a nervous tick.

'Nervous. Gotta make him...'

"No. Not really."

That was not the answer I wanted.

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. But his question had the eyebrow down:

"Do you enjoy leeching off your family only to repay them with a suicide manifesto?"

I scoffed, taking a step back.

"That wasn't..."

"That wasn't another suicide attempt? Just a way to get my attention?"

I slowly but surely nodded.

He smiled wider and leaned back in the rotating chair.

"You got my attention now. So, tell me again. What is it you want?"

"Stay out of my business. That's it."

"That's it?"

"Yes."

"And why would I do what you want? As far as I am concerned, you are in no position to...'

It was my turn to interrupt him but my voice went up so loudly, so abruptly that it cracked.

Mainly because the more he talked the more I felt like this wasn't the same Namjoon I knew.

There were a couple of times in the past when I felt that he was cold to me. But now, it was as if we were in different worlds, although we were in the same room this time.

It was as if he could barely see me and at the same time, I did have all of his attention.

But his attention was not fixated directly on me. It was scattered.

Kim Namjoon kept checking my ears, and then my mouth. A glance up and down. A quick look at my hands. A passing meeting of our eyes that ended with indifference.

It was as if he was taking pictures of me with his eyes. And for one whole second, I thought that meant he still liked me enough to listen to me.

But then I heard the thick of the clock that was embracing his wrist.

And it hit me like the coldest shower in winter:

'He's doing this because this is the last time he's ever planning to see me. He never intended to change his mind...he might've wanted some sort of...closure. And that might be it. I've already…lost?'

"...if you would've at least tried to do something else then maybe I would've considered it. As it stands, you are nothing but a junkie with a high-placed connection right now begging for scraps."

I shook my head but not to what was being said. I was refusing to listen to my thoughts and instead asked:

"Why did you leave?"

"Leave what?"

"You were gone for weeks. No phone call. No nothing. And now you're preaching about what? Do you want to lay the cards on the table? Sure. You're a glorified drug dealer dangling candy in front of an addict."

"I didn't leave, I..."

"I don't want to know." I lied, putting my hand up. "It doesn't matter. You can keep your candy. I don't want it anymore."

The grin on his face was as blinding as the morning sun. But so was the disbelief.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. But I'd like to know why you killed Tae and all of those officers but not his dad. Why do you care whether I use it or not? Why you're...here. Tell me."

"I am not obliged to tell you anything Jungkook."

"Of course not." I sarcastically spit out with a smile. "But you're free to pull the strings like I am your puppet or something. I get it. You like to play from behind the curtain. But what will you do if I do get my act together? Huh? Will you be happy with your choices? Cause I see you've taken up drinking as a hobby and..."

He got up.

I swallowed.

And all the attacks I had left have all died on my tongue at once.

He grew even taller.

Fuller.

Despite the weakness in his eyes.

His body, hidden by expensive clothing seemed to have been well taken care of.

While I stood, frail and small. He stepped sideways from the mahogany desk and stopped only two steps away from me.

Towering over me.

Hands in his pockets.

Scrunching his nose.

Not smiling. But almost appearing disgusted.

And then all of a sudden, what came out of him was a tone that I recognized: "I was happy once. But you weren't. And now, you have a shot. Well, you had it. Not you're looking at a year or two in a mental institute but after that, you might get another shot." He thought out loud and then inquired, curiously: "What are you going to do with it?"

"Happiness?" I blurted out the word as if it was foreign.

"Normalcy. Why won't you accept it still? That's what I'd like to know."

I thought about it. Finding it hard to hear my thoughts with him standing so close.

Maybe I was afraid of him. Maybe I was still in love with him in the strangest way.

Both assumptions have always felt the same to me.

But like clockwork, I needed him to know more than me because I was truly lost.

"Why didn't you do it then? What's your reason?" I asked.

"This is my normal."

"...don't.... lie to me." I heard myself whisper.

"Maybe. But you have a shot. You're still young."

"And you're not?"

In a split second, his fingers wrapped around my chin harshly. Forcing it upwards.

"You came here demanding freedom and drugs. Why are you pretending to care about me now?" Eyes squinted and lips dry, he went on: "Is it fun for you? Is this your idea of fun? Or are you trying to appear nice?"

It was something familiar about it. And something entirely brand new about his touch.

The way his eyes bore into mine.

I felt tears gathering but I wished they wouldn't fall.

'Help me.'

When he didn't get an answer, the fingers released my chin.

And when he turned around, I was able to breathe again.

"Go home, Jungkook. And stop pretending. It never ends well."

He almost made it back to his chair and I instinctively knew, as if this was a dream where information was downloaded into my consciousness via an invisible force, that as soon as he'd be sat down, I'll be forced to leave.

"That's the thing, I don't think I am pretending. I am... asking you the same questions I am asking myself because you're like me in a way. Not entirely but ...in some ways."

He halted. Hands joined at his back.

I went on, feeling myself welling up with every word: "It's not like I never cared what happened to you or that I didn't wish you happiness or...normalcy either. I just...never had any to give away. I never had anything to give to you so I could only ever think of myself. Even now." I confessed, with a sad, low, minute chuckle, "You have everything and I have nothing but a second chance. What the...hell is that?"

Silence.

"And why'd you think I'd ever want it?" I asked. Being as genuinely curious as he was before.

Namjoon didn't move but after I took a step in his direction, I regretted it since it made him walk again.

'Stay still.'

I had to keep talking:

"I wanted to keep going with you. Maybe not the same way we've been doing things...I knew it was bad and selfish. But I couldn't stop because what else was there to do?"

A shift happened after I asked that question. There was something that was being released in the air. I thought it was all in my head. Then as soon as he turned to look at me as if he'd seen a ghost, I knew I hit something I didn't even know was there.

'Maybe we are more similar than I thought.'

"Namjoon, I didn't know anything else. Even now...I don't know what else to do. I never had anything else. Never lived in any other way. And if I did, I've forgotten all about it."

Spreading my arms on each side amid my confession, I smiled and then let the arms fall in defeat.

"And you Namjoon were part of the things I knew. The person I got so used to. The person who was mine...And then you just left me on my own only to get me incarcerated so I could start over? What the hell is that? Did you never consider, ever, that I ...never thought I had another choice? Using and being with you was not a choice. It happened to me and then nothing else did."

His eyes went from wide to halfway closed. But the hands remained joined behind his back and his body was still as straight and tall as a tree.

"So, please...I don't know what I want but it's not this. Like this. I can't do this...whatever you're trying to do. I don't know how to..."

There has been an error in my words, I knew it, the second he cut me off to say: "I am giving you another choice. I am forcing something else to happen to you. So, you'll learn something new and change."

I shook my head, throwing the tears in the process and smiling a painful smile. Asking: "Into what?"

His dry lips parted and then closed. The dark circles around his eyes made me sadder than the bulb above them. Making the irises look even darker in contrast to his pale face.

"I don't know yet, Jungkook. But anything is better than this. Isn't it?"

He sat down.

Pressed something from his desk that beeped.

And watched me straight in the eyes while I was getting dragged out by Astrid.

I had the time to try to make him change his mind. To at least, let me stay a bit more. Cause Namjoon looked worse and worse the more I looked at him. Like he's aged more than he should've. Almost asleep, half drunk, half sick, and filled with some sort of pain I couldn't phantom.

I could see it though; he was a ghost just like me now. This was not a choice. This was all he had and there was no second option.

I knew it. I recognized it. Yet, I could not find the words.

I tried to resist Astrid.

But I couldn't convince Namjoon of anything.

After all, I couldn't convince myself to move on.

How could I convince anyone else?

As the doors were closing right in front of me, I shouted the first thing that came to mind. No. The only thing that came to mind was:

"Let's change together!"

The words echoed in my head.

But I didn't mean it.

Cause it was clear that neither knew what that meant. So how could we possibly do something that neither of us knew how to do together?

All that I was sure of at that moment was that together felt better than doing it alone.

It felt nearly doable.

Namjoon's doors, however, remained closed.

Namjoon's perspective:

Fred used to have a saying: "You'll know who you'll have to kill."

It was as simple as that. Sometimes, you didn't have time to wait for your boss to pick up the phone.

It was your call. And also, your fault entirely if you were to make the wrong choice.

At first, that saying was transformed in my mind to: 'Is it necessary? And how long until it will be?'

Because there couldn't be loose ends. Not one.

But sometimes, you can get away with it by sheer luck. And the one option that you used to have seemed to be more of a wish, rather than a necessity.

Tooth for tooth.

Those became a 'must have' too.

How entitled does one become after a few souls have left their bodies in one's presence?

I could see the fault in the rule but I didn't make it.

Those types of rules were made for me and Fred.

A few others too.

One of them was standing before me.

But this was a most peculiar case.

So, the saying turned into: 'How long until they'll try to use him against me?'

Jeon Jungkook was no longer an option.

Regardless of my wishes.

Regardless of his.

Bringing him here was a mistake. A selfish one.

Albeit, the wish of a dying man.

"Sir?"

"Yes, Arthur."

"How do you wish we proceed?"

"Regarding?"

"The...boy."

"Did he make a move yet?"

"Not yet."

"Then stay put."

"Understood."

It was silly. Hiding in this office and drinking scotch.

Rolling back and forth using the chair with my feet up on the desk.

As if I was unaffected. Cause I should've been.

Ultimately, no one was safe enough for vulnerability. Not even Arthur.

Now, more than ever, I understood how hard must've been for Fred to take me in. To show me where he's sleeping. To have a meal with me.

To be honest or to lie.

I understood everything now. And from all the people I've ever killed, I missed him most.

Because I found myself envying Arthur and everyone else walking on this damned planet.

Maybe Fred felt the same. Perhaps he didn't.

It isn't like I could ask.

Using the excuse of having to make a phone call, I was finally alone.

And despite my presumptions, someone picked up:

"Hi?"

"It's still daytime, Bambi."

"...congratulations?"

"What would you do say if I'd tell you to drop everything you're doing and come have a meal with me? I'll pay."

"I'd say that the last cell of your gray matter has died."

I smirked. Lightly. Unconsciously.

"You know I wouldn't ask unless I truly needed to."

"Oh, really?"

"Really. So, a car will pick you up in about fifteen minutes. Is that enough time for you to throw something clean on?"

A sigh. And a rumble.

"It's plenty."

I nodded to no one and went on, undisturbed: "Are you in the mood for expensive or cheap?"

"...in the middle."

"What's that cuisine called?"

"Homemade local food? I don't know."

"Barbeque and drinks?"

"Barbeque and drinks." He repeated with another sigh.

I hung up and changed clothes immediately.

The old hoodie and medical mask have never failed me.

On the way outside, I expected to see Jungkook still standing there.

I could almost manifest him using my imagination.

But even in the confines of my mind, he didn't seem happy.

Park Jimin however, wasn't at risk. And he'll never be.

Another thing I've learned from Fred.

A lover is a red flag waiting to burst, but a friend with a normal, low-paying job was not a concern.

This is why I was calmly driving the most normal, uninteresting car one has ever laid eyes upon. One that I parked at the back of the restaurant.

Jimin was already sitting down at one of the booths. Scanning a menu with the attention of an avid novel reader.

Head low and hands in my pockets, I sat down on the other couch and leaned back.

No change in facial expression, he asked: "Can I spend until you'll go broke, or are we saving for rainy days?"

'This is a rainy day.' I wanted to say.

But instead, went with: "You said you wanted expensive and homemade local cuisine, right? So, be expensive."

"Right." He agreed, smiling.

Park Jimin raised his hand as if he was a student willing to answer the teacher's question.

The waitress hurried over with a nervous smile.

"Yes?"

"We'd like the best beef you've got. And keep it coming. And a beer, your pick. And oh, what are you drinking?"

When he turned to look at me it almost didn't register.

Hence why it took me an embarrassingly amount of time to blurt out: "The same."

"Two beers then. Thank you."

She took the menus and scurried away without another word.

"So," Jimin announced, resting his chin in the upper part of his joined hands. "Talk."

"About?"

"I don't know. You're the one who wanted to eat."

Hands went down, so the right could move a napkin from the top of the table.

"I am just tired."

I admitted in one breath, leaning to the right. Not exposing my hands at all.

"You'll take the mask off when we'll start eating, won't you?"

"It was just that one time. Forget it, already." I complained and whined at the same time.

"Just making sure." He assured me, leaning back. Only to mumble: "But once is enough."

"I told you there was someone around that shouldn't have seen me."

"Yes, yes. The excuse of the year."

"Can we change the subject?" I abruptly straightened my back and removed the mask. Looking at the extended cord between my fingers as I held it stretched above the table.

"And the hood?"

"It stays."

Another sigh.

The beers made it first.

And I was glad that they did.

The waitress got the grill ready and let us know that she'll bring the meat in a minute.

"A toast for...something." Bambi declared, lifting the beer.

I bumped the cold, amber bottle with his and downed half of it right after they clicked.

"It's one of those days? Huh."

He mumbled, beer on the table and eyebrow arched.

"I was thirsty."

"Right. I should have said to keep the beers coming too, shouldn't I?"

"You know me so well."

He told the waitress to bring us water as she put down the meat and wished us a good meal.

I haven't said a word to this woman.

Which I assumed was why she was eyeing me weirdly.

'Maybe it's all in my head.'

"Are we talking about it now, or later?"

A year ago, I might've played the innocent card. Or the confused one.

At this point in our relationship, I simply shook my head and looked down at the table.

"Later it is." He concluded.

"How's work?"

"Boring and crowded."

"That's an odd combination."

"You tell me. This guy was fired for stealing office supplies for a year. They let him steal for a year!"

I smiled at the ridiculousness of it all.

He pushed the meat around. Turning it and patting it with the tongs.

"They knew about it for a whole year?"

"It seems that way because they told him something like: We waited to see if you'd stop. But when we didn't, we decided it was time to take action or something along those lines. I can't recall exactly."

"What did the guy say?"

"What would anyone say in that situation?"

"If you would've paid me more maybe I wouldn't have to do it?" I suggested, bursting into a small laugh.

He shook his head in rejection of that idea and picked up a plate.

And after arranging two pieces of nearly raw meat on my plate, he put them before me. Wondering: "How's the world domination going?"

I shrugged, sticking the crown of my head into the cushion.

"As always. You win some, you lose some."

"So you've won some money, lost some people?"

"You know me too well."

Another shrug and another piece of thin meat made it on my plate.

"Start eating or it will get cold."

"I wish it would get done as well."

"It is done!" He argued. Insulted, holding the tongs above the grill as a statement.

"Then why aren't you eating?"

"Oh. Because I am waiting for you to start grilling the meat."

"You have to leave the meat alone for at least five minutes!" I reminded him, taking the tongs away and placing the meat he got out back onto the hot surface.

"If you say so."

By the time we started eating, I finished two beers. He had one.

The first course went down easily. The second, not so much. But I kept drinking, and for some unknown reason, so did he.

Jungkook came into my mind like a passing thought, but it was enough to spring me back to reality.

It was like I had been asleep until the moment he was breathing in my office.

We were laughing at something Jimin's said a second ago, but I couldn't remember what the story was about.

The edges of my vision got blurrier and blurrier. And slowly but surely, the room was shrouded in a thick cloud of invisible black mist.

Jimin's laughter seemed to get louder by the minute. The sound of the beers hitting the table, a bell ringing continuously.

"Dwayne's girlfriend is so pretty, I am ashamed to stand next to her." He let me know with a grin and a swing of his fork.

"I've never seen her."

"She's gorgeous and so in love."

"That's great for him. But also… how did they meet?"

"Who cares?! She planted his phone in a flower pot and then watered it for three days straight."

"I already like her."

We burst out laughing. Holding onto our bellies.

Taking another sip.

Feeling a shadow behind me. Trying to pull me in with its tentacles.

I was in two places. Staring at it with an open eye from the back of my head.

And with Jimin. Enjoying whatever unimportant information was thrown at me like it mattered more than life and death.

My consciousness must've split into someone who was enjoying themselves and a scared, wide-eyed sitting duck waiting to be choked to death.

"But you have to tell me something. Yeah, yeah, I remembered!" Bambi shouted, leaning back, right hand still holding onto the nearly empty green beer bottle.

I waited for him to keep going but his face turned sour.

"What?" I mumbled. Crossing my arms.

"I saw...on the news."

"Jimin." I threatened, tilting my head to the left and throwing one leg over the other.

"Just tell me. I mean, not what you can't. But something. Just tell me. Tell me."

He kept repeating, not daring to look up. "Please?" He asked, making a high-pitched noise that was like a sad melody to my ears.

I uncrossed my arms and reached for the table. One hand on it, the other by my side.

Eyes fixated on a dent in the wood.

"He's done it. He's caught the culprit. He's happy now. He's moving on."

"Who was it?"

I looked up. He didn't.

"A guy named ...I forgot his name."

"Really?" He burst out laughing.

I did too. Because it truly was hilarious.

I didn't know how Fred did it but I couldn't keep track of the lies anymore. Not the tiny details. Especially the ones I've only heard once.

"Larry!" I exclaimed, pointing at Jimin's face.

"Larry?"

"I think." I retracted my finger with doubt.

But Jimin wasn't laughing. He put the beer down and looked up with fear. Disappointed.

"The guy who has killed Tae was named Larry?" He asked, eyes wide. One corner of the mouth pointing down. Full lips remained parted as he waited for me to speak.

"Y... yeah." I breathed out, joining my hands between my legs.

"He would've hated that," Jimin said to himself, shaking his head. Blinking multiple times in a row. Hands laying limp by the sides of his body.

'Come on Jimin, blink.'

"...I know," I whispered in a low voice.

Yet another one of his sighs happened. And the silence was suffocating. The tentacles were blocking the view now.

Suddenly, it all went dark. Jimin, the floor, and the table. Because there wasn't any furniture anymore. But I knew that it should've been some right there. In front of me. Anything should be there since my eyes were open.

'Did I faint?'

Jimin just kept on talking as if nothing was wrong.

"Are you sleepy? Cause I had like four hours of sleep. And I had just found out Tae's murderer was named Larry."

"Yeah..."

"Did they find out his reason?"

"No. They're still questioning him." I let him know, nodding.

"That's good."

"Hey, don't fall asleep."

"I am not. Why?... aren't my eyes open?"

"No, Namjoon. They're not."

"Huh."

Blacking out was an understatement. It was more like a dreamless sleep.

No reminiscing of the happiest or saddest moments of my life. No dying wishes. Existential monologue. Acceptance or condemnation of my choices.

Nothing but the black, empty, unmerciful void.

Never-ending nothingness.

And then Jimin and the coldest wet towel I've ever felt in my life was all I knew.

"Wake up...no, don't call anyone! He's only tired! I've already called a cab. Lady? Lady!"

"..."

"Come on, Namjoon."

"Bambi?" I somehow got out through a clogged windpipe.

"You're awake?"

"Did you slap me?"

"Damn right, I did." He should've sounded mad or at least proud of himself. Instead, it was a toneless affirmation in a petrified body.

"I am fine."

"Then open your eyes." He requested innocently.

I complied, sitting up on the couch.

I had a clear view of the night and its starless sky. Of the empty, bug-infested streetlamps and colorful, yet dusty cars.

"What are you feeling?" A clumsy question.

A sigh of my own.

"Tired."

"Did you sleep last night?"

"Not enough apparently."

"Namjoon...if you want to talk..."

The yellow car was at first so small that I haven't noticed it, slowly crept near the see-through window until it was as big as a parked one.

"Come to my place." I blurted out.

"No... we should go to a hospital."

"Drunk?" I asked with a smile that died a second later, "Not a good idea."

"Namjoon..."

"I am not going."

"Why are you so stubborn?"

"I am fine now."

"You fainted."

"I fell asleep."

"Oh, bull..."

"Let's go."

I straightened my clothes. Left some bills on the table and walked past Jimin.

Looked behind me only after two steps. He was shaking his head but picking up his black coat.

The towel remained behind, abandoned.

With every step I was taking, I felt like gravity was trying to pull me down.

A magnet, calling me to the ground with its unrelentless power.

Hands in the pockets and head down.

'Fuck. I forgot the mask.'

When I got to plummet into the backseat, I was surprised with myself for making it to the car.

"Where will it be?" Asked the old man.

And the address that I knew by heart, which wasn't my own but of a somewhat narrow building that was close to the hotel, escaped past my lips naturally.

It was funny that even in this state, I couldn't risk passing out my temporary address to drivers.

"Old habits don't change. Do they?" I mumbled on Jimin's shoulder. Cheek, hurting because of his bony shoulder.

Eyes shut.

"They do if you want them to."

"What if it doesn't matter?"

"What are we talking about?" Jimin asked, puzzled.

"Nothing."

A brief sigh.

"Alright."

I somehow gained enough strength to keep myself standing and walking for a few streets.

Bambi was furiously following close behind.

"Why didn't you give him the right address?"

"Because I forgot it."

"What about the one you knew? Who's living there?"

"I don't know."

He argued and blamed, but kept walking. And I kept walking, somehow. The world was tilting to the right and the left. Lights reflected in the pools of water like balls of light. The tar-like pavement and its mirror-like qualities. Its small deformities shone like tiny, uniform white jewels.

'Almost there.' I kept reassuring myself.

Looking up only every so often.

I made it to the lift without any real problems. The doors were closing and I was still standing. But before the two doors touched, I touched the walls of the elevator with my back and slid down. Ending up sitting on the ground the entire way up. Jimin glared at me from the left with his hands crossed.

"Are you okay?"

"Peachy."

"You need to shower."

"I know."

"Drink some water but it must be room temperature."

"Yeah."

"And then go to sleep."

I let my head hang.

And then heard the doors opening.

Jimin pulled me up by the arm.

And I stubbornly walked in first. As if it was nothing.

Faltering the closer I got to the door.

Punched in a code and slipped in like a thief in the night.

It was messy. But Jimin didn't seem bothered by it.

"Where's the bedroom?" Was the only thing he wanted to know.

"Right."

I headed to the bathroom from the left and turned the water on. Hanging onto the edge's tub with my head down.

No thoughts running through my head.

'Ah, peace.'

It was perfect until the view went dark once again.

I tried blinking it away.

But it was only feeding the beast.

I could see glimpses of Jimin taking off my clothes and helping me get inside the tub.

Glimpses of his shadow playing on the wall from behind the shower curtain.

Snippets of him. Distorted ones with him helping me up and forcing the sleeves of a white robe on my arms.

Then we walked and walked for an eternity.

Only so I could get tucked into bed like a sick kid.

A glass of water was already on the nightstand.

After I refused to drink it, Jimin left and returned with an embarrassing tiny blue straw.

He forced me to drink with it.

After two sips, I was full.

I shut my eyes.

He took the message. Closed the rest of the lights and the door.

He slipped under the blankets and turned towards the wall.

"Don't die on me." He told me.

I smiled.

"Never."

"Good."

And I thought that would be the end of it. But he had to retort some more: "Cause you're being careless with your health. And you can't keep living like this. I can't keep living like this, Namjoon."

"…"

"Get a day off or take it slow. What is so hard about that? Hm?"

I could feel the blanket shifting as he turned to look behind. At me.

I turned towards him as well. Shifting my whole weight to the side.

Reached out and caressed the right side of his face and then ended at the chin, only to take my hand back.

And said as clear as day, or at least it sounded like that to me: "I saw Jungkook for the last time today."

"You… did what?"

"Last time. Today. Jungkook."

"And what did you do?"

"Nothing. We talked and nothing came of it."

"What should've been the result?"

"What has already happened."

"And you're happy with it?"

It was a pure question, thrown over his shoulder with two worried eyes.

I broke into a smile, then a grin. Only to be attacked by laughter as it made my abdomen spasm on its way out. A laugh that was being let out in coughs.

"Do I look happy?"

I wanted to know.

Jimin's eyes answered it without his mouth having to say it.

He returned to his previous position, resting his head on the pillow this time.

I scooted closer and wrapped my arms around his covered abdomen.

He didn't say a word until I was breathing above the right side of his neck.

"Namjoon. Go to sleep."

"I fucked up, Jimin."

"You did your best." He argued in an angry tone. Pulling at my hard fist.

All I had to do was plant a peck on his right cheek and he sprung up. Pointing at me with a straight finger and angry eyes.

"We're not doing this. You don't like me and you're drunk."

"That's it?" I joked from the pillow with a smile. "I'll admit I was only testing you but still...that's it?"

"If you can't have Jungkook then just be alone. Can't you do that?"

"I can."

"Then do it."

"I would ...but Roxy..." I whined.

"Will you just break it off already!"

"I will..."

"You say it but then you don't do it!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, clenching his fists in a stance.

"She might do something stupid if I do..." I explained slowly.

"That wouldn't be your fault. And it has nothing to do with it!" He argued with exhaustion. „Your relationship and her reaction to it ending, these are two different things."

"Different things..."

"What are you mumbling there?"

"And by the way, I could kiss your cheek without it having to mean anything."

"I know!"

"Then what the fuck?"

He shrugged.

"You really don't like me, do you?"

I blurted out. Realizing it as I was saying it and not before it. But I was amazed by it. Pleased even.

"I do." He stomped his feet, whining exactly like a little child by elongating every word, "But not like that. And you don't either."

"You never know, maybe one day, I could."

"No. You don't and you won't. What's the point anyway? You want me to tell you what you're not seeing? The difference that counts?"

"I have a feeling you will tell me anyway," I mumbled.

"The one that I want is dead and the one you want is still alive. That's the difference and you're wasting that...wasting what could...."

"It just can't happen. Jimin. Give it up." I shut him down calmly, turning on my back so I could stare at the black ceiling.

"Now be honest. You believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that it cannot happen under any circumstances or you're just not wanting it to happen?"

I shifted my eyes from his shadow, back to the white, spotless center.

Joined my hands on my stomach and pondered.

Mumbling: "I am not sure."

"Cause if you're the only one who is against it then it is a choice and not an impossibility. Don't you agree?"

"Maybe."

"And if you are. If you agree that it's a choice then it means you can always change your mind."

"Your point?"

"Stop wasting my time and just be happy he's still alive!" He shouted, stomping his feet again.

I blinked exactly twice and said: "Fine."

"Fine?" He asked with hope in his voice.

"Fine."

'But what you don't know is that loving Jungkook right now is staying away from him. As far away as possible.'

"Can we sleep now?"

"Yes. We can."

And we did. When I awoke, he was long gone. But breakfast had been made. Coffee had been brewed. Water had been poured.

I appreciated him right then and there. So much so that I started being afraid for him too.

'Loving Jimin as a friend is staying away from him as well.'

With a sigh, I drank the whole cup of plain yet necessary liquid and held it in.

All the sorrow.

I looked up at my reflection, staring back from the fridge's gray material.

I wanted to punch myself.

'Whether I'll quit or not, I'd only keep the enemies I've made so far. But if I took them out before I got out...'

I tilted my head to the left, not seeing a thing around me.

Pitch black.

My eyes opened wide but all I could see were the faces that I needed to make one with the darkness.

'Who do I have to kill?'

That was today's question.

And the first name that came up was:

'Astrid.'