Naruto x Sekirei - Part 12

Miya was for a change not too irritated with Kazehana, as her visit was timed most fortuitously.

Usually, the Wind Sekirei annoyed her quite a bit with her constant drinking, immodest mode of dress and generally indecent behavior.

She sympathised with the wind user, she really did. Kazehana had not been fortunate in life, first because she had been one of those unlucky enough to be speed grown so that she could aid in the defense of Kamikura island so many years ago and then because her reaction had been rejected. The fact that she had reacted to a piece of slime like Minaka was irrelevant, the rejected reaction had damaged her either way. Though in that particular situation there had been no way for her to come out of it unscathed and being rejected had perhaps been the lesser of two evils.

Keeping all this in mind, Miya was pleased to see that Kazehana had somewhat shockingly reduced her drinking to levels that were actually tolerable. She was still dressed as immodestly as ever and seemed to take some kind of perverse delight over teasing poor Minato and even Homura with her gigantic chest, but she was willing to overlook that as long as it was kept within limits.

For a while anyway, then she would bring out the Hannya to restore order.

It had been instantly obvious that something had happened to get Kazehana in such a good mood and the Wind Sekirei had certainly not been shy about revealing it.

Apparently the very infuriating Uzumaki Naruto had gotten to her as well. How he managed to convince the extraordinarily romantic Kazehana that blocking her winging was a good thing and bedding her without engendering any resentment was a mystery to her. She well remembered how Kazehana had nearly killed the one other man she had slept with in a fit of fury, humiliation, confusion and half a dozen other feelings even if she herself was at least partly to blame for getting black out drunk in such a seedy area.

Kazehana's timing was fortuitous because Miya wanted to know more about the people she would be hosting in the near future.

Aside from knowing that Uzumaki was a shameless pervert, she knew only little. She knew that he was very powerful, highly perceptive and dangerously cunning. Miya was chagrined and rather disappointed with herself for not figuring out the last two of those sooner. Every single time that she received news of him, it had been accompanied by tales of how perverted he was and sometimes even a message from him that was clearly designed to provoke her.

And it had worked. She had been so busy being angry at him and plotting all the ways that she could get back at him during their inevitable meeting that she hadn't even properly considered that it might be exactly what he wanted. It had only been Homura's account of the horned man's sudden and extremely suspicious respectful attitude that had clued her in on the fact that he was playing games with her. She would be well on her guard when they met.

It disturbed her to think that this too might be exactly what he wanted.

Miya had found herself uncommonly impatient to speak to the Wind Sekirei in private. It had sorely tried her patience to simply wait and smile while her tenants were their usual lively selves and occupied Kazehana's time. It was an amusing sight, with Uzume ribbing the more mature Sekirei over the fact that she'd slept with Uzumaki, Musubi being her usual explosion of innocently curious enthusiasm, Matsu adding her own perversions into the mix and Homura's slight sulky demeanor because he hadn't gotten to kill Minaka.

Things finally calmed down after the evening meal as everyone slowly drifted off to their own rooms.

"What can you tell me about Uzumaki-san and his wife Kazehana?" Miya asked once they were alone.

"I can tell you that their relationship is very romantic, truly one of the greatest love stories I've ever heard!" The Wind Sekirei said enthusiastically.

"Yes, but what can you tell me about them as people?" Miya pressed, brushing aside the other woman's talk of romance with practiced ease.

"Well, he's a phenomenal lover that's for sure." Kazehana said indolently, accompanied with a sly smirk. "I think he might have ruined me for anyone else, but I can hardly complain since he warned me about it."

"I am not interested in your illicit relations with a married man, but what he is like as a person." Miya said pleasantly, but with a Hannya mask floating over her shoulder and glaring at the now disturbed Wind Sekirei.

"Okay, okay! I'll tell you, just put that thing away!" Kazehana said urgently.

"Ara? What thing are you talking about?" Miya asked quizzically with a slight tilt of her head.

Sighing at Miya's incredibly fake innocent act, Kazehana decided to just get to the point. "I probably can't tell you anything that you haven't heard already. He claims to be a god and that's a good a description as any, rarely misses an opportunity to be a pervert but still treats women well, if a touch bluntly. His stated goal is to create an empire under his rule in which the Sekirei will be able to live without being hunted."

"And has he told you how he intends to establish this empire?" Miya asked, somewhat suspicious. It sounded far too similar to what every government on this world wanted them for.

"I didn't ask." Kazehana said sheepishly.

It was Miya who sighed this time. Honestly, she knew that it had been a long time since Kazehana had done anything serious, but that really seemed like something that should be asked.

"But I don't think it's anything sinister if that's what you're worried about." The Wind Sekirei added quickly. "I was a bit suspicious too at first, but you just have to look at the cute way that he treats little Kuu-chan to see that he's not planning anything nefarious."

Miya knew of the child Sekirei, one of two that were currently out there. That she was being treated as a child should be treated was reassuring and spoke well for the horned menace, though she was leery of the idea of a child living with a known pervert.

"I doubt there's any use in trying to anticipate what he might get up too Miya, he tends to be a bit...unpredictable." Kazehana warned, breaking Miya out of her thoughts.

"We'll see." Was the only response. She fully expected that their meeting was going to be...difficult.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Naruto made his way to the door upon hearing the impatient banging on it. He didn't even need to be a god to know that there was only one person that this could possibly be. He could practically hear the irritation in the knocking.

"Takami-chan, what brings you here?" He asked the de-aged woman and gestured for her to enter.

She marched in without answering, only giving him a nasty glare. She was about to let him know exactly how much fun it had been to skulk around the MBI building in her panties and an improvised bra when another voice intruded.

"Mom's here?" The excited voice of Yukari came from another room, clearly having heard Naruto's greeting.

She ran into the room and was about to greet her mother, but then she caught sight of her and screeched to a halt. For a long few seconds, Yukari just stared at the familiar-but-unfamiliar woman without comprehension. Eventually, the sense of familiarity allowed her to place the features of her mother's face over the now much younger face. It helped that Takami had retained much of her good looks and body fitness as she'd aged, so it was not hugely difficult.

"Mom?! What the fuck?!"

"Watch your mouth young lady!" Takami snapped at her daughter.

"YOUNG LADY?! What the hell are you then?" Yukari screeched with just a touch of hysteria.

"Blame this idiot, he thought it'd be funny to make me eighteen again." Takami responded, gesturing at the grinning Naruto.

"Well...you're not wrong." He admitted.

"You made my mother the same age as me?" Yukari asked in disbelief, staring at the horned man.

"She wouldn't sleep with me." Naruto said petulantly, lips twitching as he struggled to push down a grin. Making bad impressions was so much fun.

"And you retaliated by making her young again?" Was the follow up question from Yukari, who was much confused by the logic.

"That's what you're bothered about? You're not even upset or surprised that this pervert tried to seduce your mother?" Takami interjected disbelievingly, coming to the conclusion that Yukari had definitely been spending too much time around Naruto.

"He pretty much admitted that he was intending to seduce you when we met." Yukari explained, still staring at her mother and noting how similar they were. It would be almost like looking into a mirror if not for Takami's sharper features.

"And how else has he been corrupting you?" Takami asked dryly.

Naruto snorted at this. "As if the little pervert needed any corrupting. I wasn't kidding when I said that she groped me almost as soon as we met. Didn't know me for even five minutes and was already diving into my pants."

Takami took a deep breath to calm herself down. She had honestly thought that Naruto was exagerrating when he'd said that, but Yukari's burning red face said otherwise. "We will be having a talk later Yukari, but first I need to have a private conversation with Naruto."

Yukari nodded, dreading what that conversation was going to be about but also glad to see her mother again. Even if they were physically the same age now, Takami was no less formidable because of it.

"Naruto is it? So you've finally stopped calling me by my last name? And a private conversation? Come with me to the roof and I'll conversation your brains out." The horned blond leered.

Instead of acknoledging his perverse implications, she just turned around and marched back down the hall to the roof access stairway.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Soooo..." Naruto started in a drawl. "What did you want to talk about?"

Turning to face him, Takami made sure to keep her gaze on his creepy slit-pupiled eyes instead of his bare chest. Funny how that bare chest had barely registered to her not very long ago, but now it seemed to be attempting to pull her eyes towards it. Stupid teenaged hormones.

"I'll agree to go with you to this empire you're planning to create, provided you answer some of my questions." She finally said.

Naruto grinned. He'd known that this was coming after their last encounter and had been waiting for it. That was why he'd told Homura to arrange for a dinner with Miya after all.

"Ask away."

"You told me that you're going to create this empire so that the Sekirei will be able to live in peace, without being hunted by greedy governments. From what I've seen you're plenty powerful enough to threaten them into backing off. I don't believe that you need to create an empire to protect them, so why are you really doing it."

Naruto raised an eyebrow at her, surprised by her perception. He'd known she was smart, but he hadn't thought she'd figure that out. "True enough, I could do that. But Xanna wanted to build an empire either way and it's her turn to pick what we get to do."

"So you lied to me?" Takami said disapprovingly, her opinion of him plummeting. His blunt honesty had always been one of his better qualities.

"Not really." He rebuffed. "While the power hungry schemes of this world's politicians aren't an insurmountable problem, threatening them into compliance is far from being an optimal solution. The other option is to simply subjugate the entire planet, but then Xanna and I would have to deal with endless attempts at rebellion. The people here are far too used to taking their many freedoms for granted."

This time it was Takami's eyebrow that rose, though hers was a lot more cynical. "So you're going to subjugate a planet with a primitive people because they'll just accept your rule instead of causing problems?"

"I'm certain that I could do a better job of ruling the world than what the corrupt fools currently leading it are doing. I find it hard to imagine how I could do worse, but people tend to resist changes to their way of life quite stubbornly, even if they are good changes. All of that aside, if it wasn't for the Sekirei, Xanna would likely have suggested we take over Earth, either this one or another, specifically because of the challenge it would be. But with the Sekirei being in the picture, this planet simply has too many problems that I'm not willing to keep them exposed to."

"Such as?"

Naruto sighed and turned to look over the Shinto Teito skyline. "Why don't you tell me what you see when you look over the city?"

Frowning at the non-sequitur, she nonetheless did so. She figured that there was a point to this somewhere.

"It's a city." Takami shrugged. "I see, buildings, cars, people, that kind of thing."

"And that is exactly what it is." Naruto agreed, much to Takami's surprise. She'd expected that he would make some philosophical argument.

"And your point is...?" She prompted.

"What kind of city is it?" He continued without answering.

Forehead creasing in confusion, she tried to figure out what exactly he was getting at, but could come up with nothing in particular. "...a metropolis?"

"What kind of metropolis?"

Becoming ever more puzzled, she ventured another guess. "...a Japanese one?"

"What kind of people live in it?"

"Japanese people, obviously." Was her dry answer, needing no thinking to answer that one.

"As opposed to Chinese, Norwegian, Egyptian, Iranian or American people I suppose?"

Blinking in confusion at the seemingly random list of nationalities, Takami was annoyed to note that she still had no idea what he was driving at. "Well there are minorities living in certain parts of it, but other than that yes, it's mostly populated by Japanese people."

Naruto gave her a small smile that was very unlike one of his usual feral grins. It made him seem a lot more attractive. Stupid hormones.

"I like this world Takami, there are a lot of interesting things about it and every corner of it has something unique to show, not to mention the endless number of ways that its people find to amuse themselves, I like that too."

"Is there some point to this discussion?" She asked tiredly, starting to get fed up with his constant digressing.

"But this world is rotten and I don't want that rot spreading to the Sekirei any more than it has already."

Her head snapped over to him at the sudden flat disapproval in his tone.

"Its people divide themselves from each other in a thousand ways. By religion, By the color of their skin, the country they were born in, the city they live in and a number of other ways. I thought this was a problem where I came from, but here it's a thousand times worse. Having the Sekirei stay here would make them a target for every bit of petty, narrow minded racism you can imagine. I can protect their bodies, but many of them are so very innocent. They deserve better than to be hated because they aren't from this planet or envied because of their powers."

"I know that's a problem, but is it really so bad that you'd call the world rotten?" She asked, feeling oddly intimidated. For all his antics and displays of power, she'd never been afraid of him before now.

"Do you have any idea how easy it would be to destroy the tenuous peace that most of the world currently enjoys? All it would take is openly declaring myself a god, showing a few magic tricks to prove it and then doing something that even remotely threatened to upset the status quo."

"I'm actually impressed that a blowhard like you managed to refrain from announcing your godhood on an international news network." Takami said cynically.

Naruto gave her a mysterious smirk.

"What?" She demanded.

His smirk only widened further at her confused suspicion. "Oh, nothing."

"Right." She said suspiciously, having the distinct feeling that she was missing something but unable to come up with any solid idea as to what that might be. "Well then just don't declare yourself a god."

"I wasn't planning on it, but there are plenty of other reasons why I'm taking them somewhere else." He explained, though his lips twitched into another smirk. "The system of law is flawed, giving the truly innocent nothing but a false sense of security at best while it coddles criminals and protects the rich and powerful. I never expected it to be perfect since people are learning as they go, but I most certainly did expect it to get better instead of worse."

"I know, but if the laws were harsher, it would strip away civil liberties and cause more harm than good. That's why they've become more lenient over time." She defended half-heartedly, knowing perfectly well that the system didn't work as well as it should. Minaka alone had committed more than enough crimes to earn himself the death penalty, but he got away with it because he was too rich and powerful.

"I know you don't really believe that, but nevermind. How about this insane system of loaning money and charging interest for it then? Pretty much every nation on the planet is heading towards economic collapse if it isn't there already, while a relatively small handful of people are looking forwards to it because it'll make them even richer."

"isn't that one of those conspiracy theories about the world being controlled by private bankers?" Takami asked sceptically.

"Yes...theories." He drawled, eyes shining with dark amusement.

"Are you saying it's true?" She asked in shock.

"I'm not saying it's false."

She looked at him suspiciously at the vague phrasing. "Are you messing with me on this?"

"I'm always messing with everyone Takami." He told her cheekily. "Besides, the truth doesn't matter since you're coming with me."

"You never seemed to have a problem killing people as a solution before, so if it is true, you might as well do it to them too before we leave."

"How ruthless of you!" He exclaimed in delight. "But pointless I'm afraid. The nature of the system would only serve to corrupt whoever replaces these people who may or may not control the world from the shadows."

Rolling her eyes, Takami just huffed and let it go. In all likelihood it wasn't even true and he really was just messing with her. Probably. Maybe. Damnit.

"Conspiracies aside, I also don't want all these cute Sekirei living on a planet that is slowly becoming uninhabitable."

"Couldn't you undo that, being a god and all?" Takami asked sarcastically.

"I could." He admitted. "But that would just give everyone an excuse to continue doing it, because obviously, if a magical solution to their problem happened once, they'll think it's going to happen the next time too."

Takami had to concede that this was true. It would even give confirmation to all the wilfully ignorant people claiming that global warming didn't exist. At best it would just postpone the problem and make it ten times worse the next time it happened.

This was actually a problem that MBI might have been able to help with, since one of the technologies recovered from the Sekirei space ship were some extremely efficient solar panels and capacitors. Using those would have made a large dent into the need to continue burning fossil fuels. It had been a sobering experience to see just how little use was actually made of that technology worldwide despite having bought it from them at great expense.

"Another huge problem on this planet is-"

"Okay, I get it, things are bad and you could do better." Takami interrupted. "I'll agree to come with you, just stop explaining to me how screwed up Earth is. I don't want to brood over it the whole time until we leave."

"...fine." He said sulkily. He'd been looking forward to pointing out the flaws of democracy. The many, many flaws of democracy.

"Why are you upset?!"

"Once I bring you out of temporal stasis, you're going to need to learn that the mad scientist always has to let the dictator they work for monologue." He told her.

"I've never let Minaka monologue to me and I'm certainly not going to let you do it." Takami said firmly.

"But I'm better than him!" Naruto insisted.

"I'm sure you are." She replied dryly, smothering a smile. The annoying blond was clearly just continuing this argument for fun at this point.

Silence reigned for a few minutes while they looked over the city, the wind making their respective lab coat and haori flap dramatically. And then Naruto broke it by speaking up.

"You want to celebrate our joining forces by having steamy hot sex?"

Takami's hormones screamed an enthusiastic yes, sparking erotic images in her mind of their near sex the other day as well as imagined scenes of what going all the way might be like.

"No." She said firmly, ignoring the slight dampening of her panties. It didn't help that this conversation had given her a new insight into what kind of man he was. His methods might be extreme and even brutal, but his heart was in the right place and he somehow managed to make those methods work without causing too much collateral damage.

He was also far too good at pleasing a woman, a fact which Takami was remembering with unfortunate vividness.

"One of these days, you are going to listen to your poor, lonely vagina and realise all the fun you've been missing out on."

By force of sheer gut reaction, Takami brought her leg around in a what was a rather impressive kick for a scientist and booted him off the roof.

Naruto fell towards the ground with a scream, causing Takami an instant of instictive horror that she had just killed a man before remembering what he was.

"Annoying, oversized, perverted ox." She muttered to herself and made her way back, intending to talk to her daughter now that she had time. It was simply unfair that he could always tell when a woman was turned on around him and unlike Minaka, her kicks did nothing but amuse him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A few days later.

It was finally time for the long delayed dinner with Miya and Naruto found himself grinning in anticipation.

The purple haired landlady hadn't said anything about it being just him and Xanna, so he was bringing some extras. Granted, she had probably assumed that it would be just them, but Miya should have been wily enough to know what happens when you assume.

The extras in question were Karasuba, Takami and Akitsu.

The Black Sekirei wanted to come because she was sure that it was going to be amusing. They'd had one of their fights mere hours ago, so she was quite mellow right now and wouldn't try to provoke Miya to violence like she might have usually done. Her presence would also add tension between her and Miya to the tension between Miya and him...and the tension that Xanna caused everyone that didn't know her.

Takami had wanted to see her erstwhile son. Naruto was more than happy to bring her because she would add to the tension because of her history with Kazehana, who he knew was also going to be there. It was also another opportunity to seduce her.

Akitsu...well she had given them that pleading 'please let me come with you' look that told them she would be upset if they left her behind but wouldn't even consider complaining. It was remarkably hard to say 'no' when she did that.

Some others had wanted to come too, such as Kusano, Yukari and Yashima. Kusano had been convinced to stay at the hotel when he told her that there might be some fighting, as the little girl had a serious aversion to combat of any sort. Naturally, this meant that Shiina needed to stay with her and that also meant Yukari. The perverted teen Ashikabi had huffed and puffed over it for a while before capitulating, she had seen her brother not that long ago after all.

Yashima had wanted to go because she was curious about the enigmatic #01, as well as wanting to see Musubi again. The two of them had known each other in the labs too and had met again not long ago when Naruto had brought Musubi and Tsukiumi over for lunch after the spar he'd promised them.

Both of them had insisted on further spars, determined to eventually defeat him. Naruto was reminded strongly of Lee by that incident.

The hammer wielding Sekirei had elected to also stay at the hotel when she learned that Naruto was intending provoke the powerful Sekirei. She could meet or at least get a look at the mysterious Miya later, when there was less chance of dismemberment.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was finally time and Miya found herself uncommonly nervous. She hadn't had a meeting with equals since leaving the homeworld.

She may have adopted the customs of Earth and treated its people with respect, but they were not equals and neither were any of her feathers. Respect as a fellow sentient was all well and good, but power was power. Since she was the only Pillar left, she had never expected to converse with an equal ever again and had accepted this fact, but by all accounts this Uzumaki Naruto and Xanna were plenty powerful enough to match her.

Takehito had been the only one to have impressed her enough that she had considered him anything close to equal. His vast intelligence and kind heart had made enough of an impression that she had even fallen in love with him and decided to adopt his culture. Miya would admit to herself that she had not been a very pleasant individual to be around before falling in love with him.

Her slight case of nerves was not helped by the fact that she knew that Uzumaki at least was playing some kind of game with her. First he was vulgar in the extreme and then he was suddenly respectful, it made no sense and was thus suspicious.

Nobody else seemed to share her nervousness though, which kind of irritated her if she were honest. It was unseemly for the strongest person at the inn to be the most nervous.

Musubi was nearly bouncing off the walls because of Naruto's pending visit and was in serious danger of making herself sick through sheer excitement. She'd been gushing about how strong 'Naruto-sama' was and how great of a teacher he was, since she had learned a lot of new combat tricks from her spar with him and the short instruction he'd given her.

Miya knew that the naive fist fighter didn't mean anything by it, but she couldn't help feel an irrational surge of irritation that Musubi had apparently learned more from Naruto than from her. It wasn't as if Miya herself was a hand to hand specialist, while Naruto clearly knew his stuff if what she'd heard of him was true, but it still annoyed her to see Musubi so happy because of that shameless pervert. Who knows what he could have been teaching her.

Kazehana was also clearly looking forward to his arrival, though she was not nearly as excitable about it as Musubi. The Wind Sekirei was simply lounging around and occasionally drinking some sake while glancing at the clock.

Uzume and Chiho were also looking forward to seeing their savior again, though Chiho looked a bit upset at her Sekirei and Uzume looked a bit mopey. She knew exactly why that was thanks to her many rubber duckies filled with listening devices scattered around the inn.

Uzume had tried to cajole the innocent Chiho into agreeing to an orgy with the horned duo and was now in the doghouse for it. Miya approved. Chiho was such a good girl.

Homura was just sitting there, looking as if he was resigned to the fact that the world would end soon.

Matsu had been chuckling to herself perversely at random intervals, clearly looking forward to Uzumaki's arrival. That one always did get her kicks from watching people argue.

The last person in the inn, one Sahashi Minato, seemed to be the only one sharing her nervousness, though unlike her he was completely inept at hiding it.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. The guests had arrived and Miya firmly crushed her nerves with an iron self-discipline. There was no room for weakness when talking to people as dangerous as they were, even if they were going to be pretending that they weren't all killers(for a while at least).

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OMAKE

"I hope you're happy now Naruto." Takami said sarcastically, reclining in her chair with her feet on the desk. She really wished she could smoke too, but the annoying bastard of a god that she was talking to wouldn't let the tobacco ignite because it irritated his nose.

"Well I'm pretty happy on a regular basis, but you seem to think I should be happy about something in particular." Naruto commented back, deciding to disregard the obvious sarcasm.

"Most of Europe has declared you a legitimate deity, America is still arguing about it but is probably going to do it too, Russia has already done it but is politely asking you to stay away, Canada is doing the same but even more politely, Australia doesn't give a shit, portions of Africa would like you to take over the continent, while the remaining portions want you to stay out and you already know the reactions of Asia." Takami elaborated.

"Really? Why would portions of Africa want me to take over?" He asked, puzzled.

"It may have something to do with the fact that you've turned every bit of desert on the continent into stupidly fertile grassland and forest." Takami sarcasmed again and then continued even more sarcastically. "Nice job on that by the way, obviously people will appreciate it instead of going to war over it in an attempt to grab as much as possible for themselves."

"It's not my fault that people are dicks." Naruto shrugged.

Takami had to concede that this much was true at least. "But why would you do that anyway? You had to know that it wouldn't end well."

"Two reasons. One, I dont like deserts and two, I saw hungry looking people."

Silence descended for a short while as both occupants gazed out the window in contemplation. Eventually the silence was broken.

"You really should consider stopping your wife sometime soon." Takami commented idly, not really caring anymore.

"Why?" Naruto asked curiously.

"Israel keeps trying to send us dozens of tons of ice cream every day and I suspect she had something to do with it."

"What makes you say that?" He asked, knowing perfectly well that it was indeed his wife that was to blame for it.

"Because this started happening right after a Youtube video about God speaking to the masses in Jerusalem went viral."

"That hardly seems like a reason to stop her."

"Then how about the fact that most of Islam is now considering her to be the End of Days?"

"Then I guess they'll be pulling a lot of..." Here Naruto made a dramatic pause for effect, pulled on a pair of sunglasses and then finished in a sly voice."...all nighters."

"YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH"

Takami looked around for the source of that 'YEEEAAAAHH' but predictably found nothing. Finally, she sighed and looked at Naruto in exasperation.

"One of these days, I really hope I can find whoever introduced you to the internet and murder them."

Though she had to admit the pun was sort of funny. Still terrible, but funny.

"It was a catgirl in the previous dimension whom I accidentaly threatened to rape and then gave her a diamond pussy as an apology."

Takami facepalmed and muttered almost indistinctly through her hands. "There are just so many things wrong with that sentence."

Silence descended once more, but this time it was much shorter and it was Naruto that broke it.

"Where is everyone by the way? The whole building is empty except for you and Minaka."

"I gave the entire company a paid vacation of indefinite length."

"Ah, I see you're finally finally taking advantage of the fact that everything will be undone...eventually." Naruto stated in realisation.

Takami nodded but didn't speak.

"Well since you've embraced the dark side, how about you help me pick my next target for mockery?" He proposed.

Takami gave it a few moments of thought before picking another one of those weird religions at random.

"Scientology."

"What the fuck is Scientology?" Naruto asked quizzically. It sounded weird.

"You've never heard of them?" Takami asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nope, can't say that I have." He confirmed.

"Well I suppose that's not too surprising, they're mostly based in America after all." She said pensively.

"America again, what is it with that country?" Naruto muttered.

"It's like you said about the Westboro Baptist Church, too much religious tolerance." Takami pointed out. "Every nutjob with a half baked idea can write a book, dupe a few people to believe him and then demand that it be treated as a religion and the government just rolls over and goes with it."

"That's retarded." He frowned.

"Tell me about it and the best part is that the so-called 'church' of Scientology doesn't even have to pay taxes despite the fact that everyone with half a brain can see that it's just a marketing scam wrapped in religious hocus pocus." She added sardonically. "Though that one is a fact of life in more than just America, but there are at least a few countries that classify them as a cult or commercial enterprise."

"But why would religious organisations be exempt from paying taxes?" He asked, very much puzzled. He'd never bothered doing any actual research on religion.

Note to self, prevent the formation of organized religion in the coming empire. He said to himself mentally. That he and Xanna were going to end up worshipped was damn near inevitable and he didn't actually have too much of a problem with that, but he drew the line at building churches and making elaborate rituals. Useless waste of time and resources in his opinion and that was putting it mildly.

Pragmatism was one of the few things about being a ninja that he was actually good at.

"In theory so that the state can't interfere with religion and that religious organisations can't endorse political candidates, but in practice they do it anyway, they're just more sneaky about it." She explained with a fair dose of cynicism.

"And you wonder why I think democracy is a crap system?" The horned man asked dryly. "People in power make laws and then sidestep them when they become inconvenient, to say nothing of how corrupt it is. No wonder that only about half of the population actually bothers voting."

Takami shrugged, having nothing to say in defense of the system, particularly in light of the rather poignant fact that Minaka had been able to practically buy the Japanese government. Especially since she was one of those people that had never bothered voting. Whoever was in charge of the country had always been a non-issue to her, she just did her science and left politics to other people. In retrospect, perhaps she should have paid more attention to what Minaka was doing.

"But getting back to the point, what the hell is Scientology?" Naruto prompted.

"Read this." She told him and brought up a website that explained the basics of the rather hokey 'religion'.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Later.

A group of like minded Scientologists had just finished up one of their meetings. Ironically enough, the main topic of conversation had been the horned duo and whether or not they were what Scientology classified as Thetans, omniscient, intristically good, non-material entities capable of unlimited creativity.

In the end they were leaning towards no, because Naruto and Xanna did not give the impression of being particularly good.

"So, you guys basically charge people money in exchange for making them relive traumatic events in a doomed effort to 'unlock' supernatural abilities that you couldn't possibly have, because you think that everyone is some kind of all powerful godlike thing that got trapped in a physical body after they created the universe." A voice drolled as if reading from a script.

Everyone turned to the voice and was shocked to see the very man that had been the object of their recent discussion. He was holding a pile of papers and examining them with intense scrutiny.

What they didn't know was that the papers were just a prop and the only thing written on it was a recipe for noodle soup.

Next to him sat a silver haired woman of Asian descent, dressed as a scientist and looking on with slight amusement.

"Well, are you going to actually do anything?" Naruto finally asked in exasperation, having gotten bored of their shocked staring. He'd deliberately cast aspersions on their beliefs in the hopes of provoking them and it was annoying that they were too stunned at his appearance to take offense.

"Why are you here?" The group leader asked warily. He'd seen what this...creature...was capable of on the news.

"I came to tell you that all of your mothers suck in bed." Was the mocking response, which could be taken in two equally offensive ways. Sometimes, Naruto simply loved the beautiful ambiguity of the spoken language.

More than one face reddened with anger, but there were several people that didn't react to the rather juvenile insult.

"What are you?" One of the younger and more curious members asked.

"Horny." Was Naruto's standard, knee jerk reply to that question.

"What do you want?" The group leader asked, this time irritably.

"I'd like to show you something." The horned man said and held up a finger to indicate that they should give him a second. These guys were just too lame and he had decided to do something rather extreme

The group went silent in curiousity, wondering what this strange being intended to show them. They'd had a lot of trouble classifying him, so this whole thing was a very interesting experience for them despite the fact that he was irritating as hell.

Their curiousity was replaced by shock and horror when he grabbed his neck with clawed digits and ripped his own head off with a spray of gore that had them all covered in blood within moments.

Their shock was enhanced further when the now decapitated head shouted at them. "RUN MOTHERFUCKERS, MY BODY IS OUT OF CONTROL AND IT'LL RIP YOUR HEADS OFF NEXT! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!"

The frantic screaming and stampeding out the door that followed was expedited by the madly cackling head that was thrown after them and the clumsy, zombie-like lumbering of the headless body.

Meanwhile Takami was staring in incredulous shock at what the crazy horned idiot had just done. She'd expected that he'd mock the Scientologists, not traumatize them for life. It didn't take her too long to calm down though, after which she brushed this off as another one of the things that Naruto did just because he could.

"Are you going to put your head back on now?" She asked blandly. At least he'd directed the blood spray away from her so that she was spotless even if the rest of the room looked like a slaughterhouse.

"Nope." The still decapitated head spoke and then vanished in a burst of fire, a new one growing from his severed neck so fast that you could barely even see the regeneration. Then he proceeded to stretch his neck to both sides in a cacophony of sickening cracks.

"Do you have to do that?" Takami asked irritably, cringing when another series of cracks that sounded as if someone had thrown a bone into a woodchipper came from his neck.

"New vertebrae always feel weird if I don't stretch them." Naruto explained.

"Maybe you shouldn't go about ripping your own head off then." She snarked, having been startled by the act just as badly as the Scientologists he'd just traumatized. The only difference was that she knew the horned nutcase and was made of much sterner stuff than those wimps. "How can you even do that without dying?"

She'd kind of expected that decapitation would kill even him, she just hadn't thought that there was anyone that could actually do it.

"My existence isn't bound to my body anymore, so I can do whatever I want with it." He explained again, giving his neck a final roll and grunting in satisfaction when it no longer felt weird.

"But if you don't need your body to exist anymore, then why do you still bother with one?" She asked curiously, scientific interest now overcoming irritation.

"Have you even seen my wife?" He asked back incredulously. "No way am I ever going to stop tapping that ass."

"That's it?" She asked in disbelief. "You're keeping a physical form so that you can have sex?"

"Pretty much." He shrugged. "Besides, non-corporeality is overrated. Who the hell would want to float around as a formless spirit for all eternity?"

"Scientologists apparently." Takami said with snide amusement. "You do know that you technically personify the ultimate goal of their religion and you reject it for sex?"

"Well if you're gonna reject a religion you might as well do it for a good reason." He said sagely.

It got him a flat look from the scientist, whose definition of 'good reason' was vastly different.

"Wait, does that mean that Xanna does need a body?"

"Have you even seen how sexy I am?" He asked incredulously.

"Ugh." Was the only response that Takami could muster to that. Really, she should have seen that coming.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

OMAKE, part 2.

Somewhere in Europe.

Having gotten bored of the Middle East, Xanna had abandoned it and relocated to Europe with the intention of starting a religion of her own, because there was just no way that Naruto's religion was going to be better than hers.

Much to her chagrin, it would appear that her earlier rampaging was attracting only particularly irritating people.

Such as various crazy Satanists that wanted to end the world and people who were of the opinion that Islam needed to be exterminated. She didn't actually care about Islam, as it had just been a minor distraction to her but everyone else was obviously taking it too seriously. Honestly, you kill a few hundred people that insult you and declare war on you and suddenly everyone thinks that you intend to bring about the end of the world.

None of that was of any particular importance to her right now though. At the moment her attention had been grabbed by the utter refusal to believe in her godhood that a man with very funny hair was displaying.

Seriously, it was strange hair, sticking up all over the place and giving the middle aged man a rather crazed look when he got excited.

Neither herself nor Naruto had ever really considered poking fun at Atheists in the same way that they had done to the various religious groups. Granted, this was mostly because Atheism had no convenient central organisation where you could easily find groups of them to poke fun at, but one reason was as good as any other.

But this funny haired man was exactly the type of Atheist that could be fun to mock and he was ever so conveniently right in front of her.

He was not the type of Atheist that took a cursory look at various religious writings, decided that it was a load of nonsense and dismissed it, but was willing to keep an open mind and not be unduly hostile to people that were religious.

No, this was the type of Atheist who took the existence of religion as a personal insult and missed no chance to insult, harass or rage at anyone that so much as mentioned religion in his presence. This was the type of man who got angry if you told him 'God speed' before he went on a trip or said 'God bless you' when he sneezed.

Basically, while he was quite correct in his assertions that religion was a load of bull(in this particular Universe at any rate), he was also a massively irritating asshole about it.

Xanna decided that she liked Europe. It had all the best food, sweets and there was always something going on that was at least passably interesting. Such as the idiot currently trying to prove that she was some kind advanced alien life form that had come to Earth in an attempt to subjugate Humanity.

Yes, he also considered himself an amateur scientist because he could use a few complex sounding words and understood that the Universe was very big but made of things that were very small.

"Just admit it! You must be the vanguard of an alien invasion, advanced scouts to soften up our planet before the main force arrives. That's why you're spreading this religious bullshit, to dumb down our civilization." He insisted.

"Why would the world need softening up if such was the case?" She asked pointedly. "Any race that has mastered space travel could subjugate you from orbit without needing to send a single foot soldier on the ground."

"Because you need the planet in one piece! You can't just bomb it from orbit." The man declared triumphantly.

"Furthermore, why would this pitiful world need softening up if I were a typical representative of this alien species you insist I am part of. I am easily capable of subjugating this world by myself." She argued further instead of bothering to refute the point. Orbital bombardment would still keep the planet relatively whole.

"I don't believe you!" He insisted.

"Oh? Then explain my powers." Xanna asked archly, pointing a clawed finger and levitating him.

"P-Psychokinesis!" He stuttered, shocked and afraid, but unwilling to concede the argument. "It is theorised that an advanced enough organism should be capable of moving things with their mind."

Dropping him painfully on his ass, she conjured a ball of fire.

"Pyrokinesis!"

A ball of water.

"Hydrokinesis!"

A ball of lightning.

"Umm..err..." The man stuttered, clearly looking for the right word. "Fulmokinesis?"

Next she created a pyramid made of rock, which in retrospect may or may not have been a good idea. It was funny seeing him nearly pass out though.

"You! You were the one who created the pyramids. It was all just a big conspiracy! For thousands of years you've been meddling with human development! That's why demons are always depicted with horns isn't it?!"

At this point, Xanna came to understand that aside from being rabidly opposed to anything even vaguely religious, that the man was also an alien conspiracy nut. Fun.

"Yes, I created the pyramids, but do you know why?" She said with a sigh, deciding that arguing with this one was simply pointless. Mind you, a reality probably existed somewhere in the infinite multiverse where he was correct, but that had no bearing on the here and now.

Why did Naruto have all the luck with such things? It couldn't possibly be a problem with her, because she was perfect and anyone who failed to recognise this fact was a fool.

Alright, even she knew that she was overdoing it with the arrogance that time, but her idiot husband really did have too much luck. It was a supernatural power completely separated from his godhood.

Meanwhile, the sceptical alien conspiracy nut with funny hair was warily staring at the now floating miniature pyramid and thinking of her question. Now that she had finally admitted to her role in the creation of the original pyramids in Egypt, he couldn't wait to ask her some questions that would help him prove that religion was just a massive hoax designed to keep humanity stupid.

"I would assume that they were meant to serve as examples of power to the primitive humans of the time." He ventured.

"Wrong, they were used to squash groups of idiots who annoyed me." She said flatly and propelled the mini pyramid towards his head at terminal velocity, breaking his neck as a consequence. Usually she wouldn't have killed someone over such a thing(seeing as she had been the one to start it), but the man had been really annoying and time travel would undo the act anyway, so the only effect was that it made her feel better.

"Note to self, institute a no tolerance policy for this type of defective idiot in the coming empire."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

OMAKE, part 3.

"So I've been going over the list of minor religions that I haven't mocked yet when I came across something very interesting." Naruto was saying to Takami.

"How have you not gotten bored of doing this yet?" She asked back in disbelief.

"Because people still get upset over it." He admitted.

Rolling her eyes, she decided that sarcasm was merited. "So what is it this time? Are you going to mock the Church of Google?"

"Don't you dare make jokes about Google and most especially not his sister Booble." He snapped, but was unable to keep from grinning, which ruined the joke.

"What the hell is Booble?" Takami asked in confusion.

"It's like Google, but for porn." He explained wryly.

Takami gave him a very odd look and continued speaking in a wary tone that might have been used when a caveman saw fire for the first time. "You're surrounded by beautiful women day in and day out, but you still watch porn and presumably masturbate to it?"

"First of all, real men don't masturbate, THEY FUCK THEIR FIST!"

While the scientist was blinking in shock at suddenly having that yelled in her face at ear splitting volume, Naruto continued.

"And secondly, no I don't watch porn, but I was curious when I first started using the internet." He explained in a much more normal tone of voice. "Some people on this planet are fucking sick by the way and that means a lot coming from me."

About ten seconds passed in silence, before Takami finally shook her head and decided that it would be best to just pretend that the last two minutes had never happened. "So which religion did you pick this time?"

"Pastafarianism. I knew that I had to do something with that as soon as I saw it."

"Isn't that the parody religion that worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster?" She asked with an amused smile.

"Oh yes, but I'm not going to mock them. Those guys have a sense of humor, which means there's no way that I could possibly upset them by poking fun at their religion."

"Then what are you going to do?"

Naruto grinned widely.

"No, just no." She said firmly.

"Do you even know what I'm planning?" He asked, amused.

"I don't need to know what you're planning, that stupid grin of yours is telling me everything."

The stupid grin in question widened even further.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Italy was known the world over as the land of pasta, which was the main reason that Naruto was there.

Standing invisibly on a building that overlooked a large urban square in the city of Rome(whose name he hadn't bothered to look up), Naruto prepared for his latest stunt. He'd needed to wait a little so that it was actually daytime in this part of the world, but now it was finally time.

At least the delay had given him time to learn how to speak Italian.

The customary crowds that customarily walked around the square looked around in confusion as a deep note sounded, as if some great horn had been blown. Then someone screamed in fright while looking at the sky, naturally getting everyone's attention. More screaming followed as they beheld the descent of His Divine Noodliness the Flying Spaghetti Monster, dripping meatball juice and waving His undulating noodly appendages while His googly eyes surveyed those beneath Him.

Naruto spoke before full fledged panic could ensue, infusing his voice with a calming compulsion while he was at it. There was no way that anyone was going to actually calm down without the compulsion. "Be not afraid, the Flying Spaghetti Monster does not seek to do harm. Rather, He is here to spread the joy of Noodles and has as such chosen this land, knowing that it is the people of Italy who most well know the joys of Pasta."

The crowd calmed and looked towards the horned man standing under the Flying Spaghetti Monster with more curiousity than fear, in no small part due to the compulsion Naruto had used.

At this point, Naruto felt that he should lay off the compulsion and spoke without it, but still kept his voice boomingly loud to make sure he was heard. "To understand the Divine Spaghetti Monster, one must eat the Divine Spaghetti Monster."

Upon saying this, large cups full of spaghetti and meatballs descended into the hands of those below, filled with steaming, delicious smelling pasta and meatballs. There was even a fork provided.

The people were more than a bit dubious of this, despite the mouth watering aroma wafting from the cups. Fortunately, there was always that one brave(or reckless) soul that was willing to give it a try.

"This is amazing!" The young man in his early twenties exclaimed as he shoveled some of the pasta and meatballs into his mouth. He'd missed lunch. "The best pasta I've ever had!"

"Let me tell you the tale of how I came to know the joy of noodles." Naruto continued once he saw that more and more people were giving it a try and discovering it to be among the best things they'd ever eaten.

"I was but a boy of seven at the time, orphaned and alone, having not eaten in days and having nowhere to take shelter from the rain. I came upon a food stand then and wished only to rest my feet for a few minutes somewhere dry. There I met the prophetess Ayame and her father, who gave me food despite having nothing to pay them with and that food was noodles."

The crowd was firmly attentive by then, occasionally slurping up a stray noodle. Most everyone had a soft spot for stories of orphans in need and the kindness of strangers.

"Over time I came to know Ayame and she became as dear to me as a sister, for her heart was golden and she wished only to see people smile when they ate her noodles. The name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was not known there, but His purpose was and Ayame knew it without needing to be told. That purpose was to feed the hungry without heed of who they were."

"What happened to her?" One curious soul shouted out.

"Alas, she was murdered along with her husband and infant child, by a man who cared nothing for her kindness and sought only power. But her legacy lives on, while he is reviled and will soon be forgotten by all who knew of him. Join me if you will, in a moment of prayer for her departed soul."

The crowd did so, because no matter how ridiculous it was to say that someone was the prophetess of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it was disrespectful in the extreme to point that out when you were asked to pay your respects to what sounded like near saintly young woman.

"Flying Spaghetti Monster who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

Thy meatballs come,

thy noodles be done,

in cups as they are on plates.

Give us this day our daily sauce

And forgive us our cheese,

As we forgive the cheese for its unhealthy nature.

And lead us not into obesity,

But deliver us from hunger.

RAAAAmen."

There were many titters of laughter from people who found the 'prayer' hilarious but weren't sure if it would be wise to laugh or not.

"It is blasphemy in the eyes of the Noodle God to force down laughter." Naruto declared, grinning when people laughed more openly.

Ayame would be pissed at him if she knew that he'd just turned her into a religious figure, but she would also laugh and hug him...after she brained him over the head with a frying pan.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Meanwhile, somewhere else.

Xanna looked into the distance with a frown.

"My husband is doing something ridiculous again."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The phenomenon that would later become known as 'The Noodle-ing' continued uninterrupted for some time yet, with ever more people coming to see the Flying Spaghetti Monster and partake of His bounty. Included in this number were a great many homeless looking for a free meal.

Eventually though, it was interrupted by a sinister shadow obscuring the sky.

The titanic form of the Ten Tails hovered across the city and towards the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it's many tails undulating in a manner similar to the noodles of its prey, but spreading across vast tracts of the city.

Xanna would have preferred to stomp towards it, but that would end up destroying all of Rome, which might have been just a bit excessive. And it would also turn a joke into the slaughter of millions.

Predictably, people freaked out, forcing Naruto to once more use a calming compulsion in his voice to prevent a panic.

"Hold, you are in no danger!" He had to quickly wrack his mind for an explanation to this event. He knew that Xanna was trying to ruin his little bit of fun for her own amusement and he intended to spin it in such a way that she failed. "This creature is called the..umm...Omnomnivore and has been lured here by the delicious smells of the Flying Spaghetti Monster."

The people watched in shock and horror as the Flying Spaghetti Monster was devoured whole by the immense one eyed creature, disappearing down its gigantic, fanged maw. Even the calming compulsion was not enough and the crowd scattered in panic.

When everyone had fled, Xanna shrunk back into her usual humanoid form.

"Husband, did you just refer to me as a 'creature'?" She asked pointedly, not bothering with the booming voice as they were now alone in the square.

"You ruined my religious noodle experience." He said accusingly, not responding to her question.

"Yes." She said unrepentantly and without offering any explanation.

"You know you're lucky that you're a goddess, or else your ass would qualify as a celestial body from eating that much spaghetti and meatballs." He said wryly, conceding that she had one upped him this time.

"Have you learned nothing my foolish beloved? My ass has always been celestial, as it is part of my celestial body."

Naruto blinked, grinned and snickered. "Oh, I see what you did there."

"As well you should." Xanna said haughtily, turning away slightly in an obvious snub.

Naruto wasn't going to let it happen that way though, so he grabbed the aforementioned celestial ass and rotated her back towards himself for a kiss.

She didn't fight him too hard and instead returned the kiss. When the kiss ended, Naruto sprayed a gout of water in her face.

"You splashed me." She said disbelievingly, as if she didn't quite believe that he'd dared do such a thing. Sure, he'd done it plenty of times before, but she honestly hadn't expected it this time.

"Vengeance is mine!" He cackled and chakra skated away at a ludicrous speed.

Growling at his retreat, she dried herself and shot after him, intending to retaliate with ten times the force. Splash her and then flee by using the very trick that she had taught him will he? He would rue the day that he decided to poke holes into her ego!